Thoughts and stuff. 

Yesterday’s class was another small one. I, personally, liked it, but I know some girls prefer there to be more people. 

I was actually able to make it through the entire class without freaking out over or avoiding anything. (I didn’t jump, but only because my knee has been hurting again. Not terribly bad, but I don’t want to make it worse right now.) 

I was nowhere near perfect. I’d hardly even say I was decent. But I attempted things I’d never tried before, and pushed past excuses in my head of what I can and can’t do and just tried. It wasn’t always successful, but sometimes it was. That’s better than before. 

Our teacher gave us a good pep talk about Swan Lake, though I wish more would have been there to hear it. Still, it’s good to hear it from someone new, that we have to push our hardest and try our best even when it feels like we’re dying. We have to be on our A-game, because if you relax in the slightest, the audience can tell. And there are some who have it together the whole time, but they can’t carry the entire ballet. It’s up to everyone to do their best. 

I woke up a little panicked about the prospect of one of the swans not being able to dance and getting thrown in. Can I handle it? Will I screw up? That’s the hard part about being a cover. You could work on one part and think you’d get put in for it, and end up being an entirely different person and have to work on a different part. I just don’t want to get put in and completely screw up. I don’t want to not be confident and compromise the quality of dancing because of it. Worse than that, I don’t want to go forward in confidence and be completely wrong and just mess everything up. This isn’t rehearsal anymore. We start on stage today, and this is where the going gets tough. No more room for error, and I don’t want to be the one falling behind. 

Honestly, that’s what I feel like. I mean, I know I’ve improved since rehearsals began, but I still feel like I’m just behind everyone else. I feel like I’m not quite there, even with the improvements. I’m proud of myself, but I want to be able to do more. I want to push harder. I want to understand everything better so I can go at it more confidently and not cause any of the teachers to doubt me. Because, let’s face it, I can be pushing hard and get complimented at barre every rehearsal, but that isn’t necessarily what they’ll remember of me. They could simply remember my faults and where I lack rather than how far I’ve come. And I’ve seen it not be this way for everyone. And I don’t know what goes on in people’s heads. But I’m just afraid that is what would end up happening with me. 

The thought of watching Swans from the wings instead of doing it with everyone stings my heart a little. It’s like when I watched snow this last nutcracker. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m super grateful to have been Rat Queen, but there was something about being left out of snow. And I know it’s an intense part and there were so many people and it was a bit complicated this year, but I still couldn’t help but feel that I fell just short again. Although, it’s different this time, because I actually know the choreography of Swans and I don’t for Snow. 

I’m just so nervous. I don’t want to get put in and not be able to do it well enough. I don’t know how to try and prepare in case I do have to go in. I guess we’ll see where there’s are at rehearsal tonight. 

I can’t believe this show is almost over. It seems endless, and here we are staring show day in the face. 

Sometimes I wish I were different. Sometimes I wish I weren’t me. That I were better. That I were stronger. That I had started earlier or didn’t have so many issues or was able to understand things better or whatever. Sometimes I wish a lot of things. 

Recital is coming up, as well, and the dance I was most excited about it starting to make me nervous. I just got the choreography for the parts we were leaving open in case one girl showed up, but we just heard she’s not so I’ve had a class and a half, essentially, to learn it, and I think one run through each of the two classes. And I think there’s only two classes left. And I have to be so on my game with this. Not to mention, I have two entirely other classes I’m in recital for, and one isn’t even finished yet (show up to class, people.) I guess I feel a lot of pressure right now. 

There’s a lot I don’t understand. A lot I don’t think I ever will. But ya know, I think it’s impossible to fully understand anything. There’s always so many factors that you just can’t know. It’s funny because I used to obsess over what people think of me, and I’ve realized recently that I forget to think about it now. But in that I’ve realized that people could have opinions of me I never hear. They could say it to each other and form opinions or what have you and I be none the wiser. And if you know me and are reading this and think you know what I’m referring to, you’re more than likely incorrect so don’t even try. There’s just tons of stuff going on in my head and making a vague attempt of writing it out on a public platform seems to be the only way to process it currently. Yeah, good luck trying to understand that concept, too. 

I am excited for tonight. I’m excited for this week. I’m excited for recital. Especially now that work is going to larglely calm down. Regardless of what happens, it’ll be good. I’ll learn, I’ll grow, and I’ll continue to improve. The one thing that I really like is that even amidst all these nerves and uncertainty, I still largely feel peaceful. I may be trying to understand this that or the other, but in a way that betters me. Like when a good friend tells you a bit of a painful truth. I can’t make excuses and just get bitter or resentful. I need to take the corrected as direction and not rejection. At least I’m still getting corrected, right?