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Emilee

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Mischief Managed.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. #leakycon #leakycon2018
Y’all, check out my friend Baileys announcement!! I’m so excited for her and super pumped to watch this series she’s a part of! #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ The concept is simple: follow someone’s journey from surgery to stage. Showing the life of a mucus mutant. Showing the life of a bilingual Deaf family. Showing the life of a dancer and @companythreesixty dancers. It technically hits all the hashtags: #spoonie #deaf #adultballerina #bodypositive #chronicillness. It hopefully connects with many communities and provides another voice in the chorus of those wanting representation in media abound. It is positive: a positive network with a positive focus wanting to counter the negative swarmy troll farm that is most modern media to date. But... what if the concept becomes a reality? What if I show not just the recovery from latest rounds of surgeries... but the pain and swelling and funk between? What if I don’t fulfill some sort of diagnostic paradigm being that I am an Atypical diagnosis (and someone who hopes not to be defined by that anyways where I can)? What if we capture not just the invigorating process of putting together a show with women I ferociously admire and protect... but also, how totally messy dance life can be? What if we showcase a family that’s equal parts Deaf as hearing... yet our variable mix of signing, reading lips, caption and speech isn’t in keeping with what the world wants from us? Choosing to share our story has come with a lot of IFs... but we are braving it none the less. Although I can’t believe our pilot episode premiered TODAY and that I can finally announce the news... fear of judgement subsists. Can perspective, positivity and living an imperfect life as openly as possible actually be of benefit? The verdict is still out... but I’m excited to try. I’m excited to see. And I’m excited to get started.▪️Click Link In Bio To Watch The Pilot Or Go To: onlygood.tv▪️#CatchingBreaths
The builders weren’t out today, so I decided to have one last hoorah in our still empty, hurricane Harvey-Ed house. They’ve finally begun repairs, and I’m super pumped for it to be fixed, but also a bit sad at the loss of the house as we knew it and how it was growing up. Here I’m in our game room, the red wall is my bathroom, and to the right is my old bedroom, where I was the night before the storm came. The bed I slept on had ceiling and insulation fallen on it the next day. Still pretty surreal almost a year out. TL;DR I love my new @sodancausa dance sneakers I got from @cinqdanceessentials ! Super pumped for the new year!
We had a guest teacher in class last night. I wrote a blog post about it! Link is in the bio. (Spoiler. It was wonderful.) Thank you so much, @linds779 for teaching us! (Ps. My shirt is from @balletlibrarian ‘s book Cantique, you can totally still get ya one. It’s my favorite, obviously.) PD: photo of me and Lindsi Dec from Pacific Northwest Ballet after class.
Once upon a time, my toes used to touch the floor.

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2018

Days leading up to the new year has had me sort of taking stock and evaluating the year ahead of me. To do so, i look at the years behind me and sort of gauge what I might be able to expect, and what things I’d like to change.

This is normal, right?

This last year really did a number on me, and I don’t know that I let myself fully process or feel any of it. Maybe that’s what makes New Year’s Day so difficult.

As I sit back and evaluate, I try to get myself in the best form of preparation for work. Our busy season begins in January, with it being one of the most difficult months, at least for me. Maybe it won’t be as difficult once I really get the hang for all the yearly reports and things, but it’s still complex. This year, everything is made more complicated because of the hurricane, and next year the laws are going to change. I try to do what I can in advance to make sure I’m the most on top of my game as possible, including choreographing the recital pieces Im responsible for during break, even if I don’t start teaching my students yet. It’s one less things for me to have to worry about getting done when I don’t have any extra time to spare.

Looking ahead to this year was weird for me. It’s the first year that i know going into it that I’m not currently dancing. Yes, I’m still teaching, but depending on how the busy season goes I may or may not have it in me to keep going ahead like I am.

Not being able to dance is the most disheartening thing. Expression is my way of handling how crappy life can be, and dance had become my main avenue for that. I haven’t painted in years, even if I wanted to I can’t sit for that long any more. I write, but I don’t have the time nor the brain power to do so as much as I would like. Before, I would just push through and endure and make the most of things by filling my life with things that made me happy and surrounding myself with people who made me happy, but this past year has made that far more difficult than I ever expected.

It makes me not want to speak, to write. It makes me feel I should stay silent because all I ever do is complain about the same things over and over again. That I don’t have anything to write in a blog post since I’m not even dancing, and things aren’t getting any better or more hopeful, they’re actually getting worse.

But I don’t want to stop this blog. I don’t want to stop my dance story. I may not be able to actively participate currently, but it’s still so much a part of me. It’s in my blood.

I was excited last night to find a favorite online store of mine had a ballet shoe sweater and ballet dancer blouse and dress on sale, so I bought them for myself. It helped me feel a little more connected, even if it is in such a silly way. That maybe this isn’t my end. Maybe I’m not becoming entirely irrelevant. And maybe this year won’t be full of hopeless anti-progression.

We’ll see.

Until then, I’ll do my best to do my best and keep moving forward.

This entry was posted in dance.

4 comments on “2018

  1. Kimmie says:

    Happy New Year!

    I am new to your blog. I hope that you are able to keep dancing and find hope and encouragement in everyday! Best of luck to you!

    Kimmie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Kimmie! I really appreciate it. Glad to have you along!

      Like

  2. vtgem24 says:

    I’m thinking of you and praying for you! I’m glad to hear you won’t stop writing. All we can do is try to keep moving forward. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my friend! ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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