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Emilee

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I just posted a super difficult blog post that I’ve been trying to write for a few months. I also thought about waiting until the summer to post it, but feel that now is the best time. The details are there, but essentially this is my last year teaching. I also won’t be active on this account anymore. It’ll remain live, as will my blog, but I won’t be checking in on it. This has been an extremely difficult decision to have to come to, but it’s one I can’t avoid anymore. If you’d like to keep up with me, please feel free to follow my personal account @emileeayers or my poetry account @forthestranger (or my “nerd” account if you’re into that, @thenerdjacket ) I love y’all so much and am super grateful for the friends I’ve made over the years through ballet. Super proud of y’all and everything you’re accomplishing every day. (Thanks to Mrs Gigi for this picture from nutcracker this year. It’s super special to me.)
I’ll have a proper post after the trip when I can blog. I’m the meantime, please enjoy this photo of @ballerinakay that I am properly obsessed with. ❤️
Two years ago today, I met @allie_on_pointe in person! In NINE DAYS we’re going to London together! I truly cherish the friends being in the dance world as an adult has given me. ❤️
Caught the train, heading back to hogwarts. See you witches (and wizards) there!
The dance season started up this week! My classes started today, and I wrote a blog post about it. Now I’m gonna go sleep. Link in bio
I was at a Harry Potter convention this weekend with my best friend and had an unexpected ballet encounter. I wrote about it if that’s your sort of thing. Link in the bio. 💛🖤

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2018

Days leading up to the new year has had me sort of taking stock and evaluating the year ahead of me. To do so, i look at the years behind me and sort of gauge what I might be able to expect, and what things I’d like to change.

This is normal, right?

This last year really did a number on me, and I don’t know that I let myself fully process or feel any of it. Maybe that’s what makes New Year’s Day so difficult.

As I sit back and evaluate, I try to get myself in the best form of preparation for work. Our busy season begins in January, with it being one of the most difficult months, at least for me. Maybe it won’t be as difficult once I really get the hang for all the yearly reports and things, but it’s still complex. This year, everything is made more complicated because of the hurricane, and next year the laws are going to change. I try to do what I can in advance to make sure I’m the most on top of my game as possible, including choreographing the recital pieces Im responsible for during break, even if I don’t start teaching my students yet. It’s one less things for me to have to worry about getting done when I don’t have any extra time to spare.

Looking ahead to this year was weird for me. It’s the first year that i know going into it that I’m not currently dancing. Yes, I’m still teaching, but depending on how the busy season goes I may or may not have it in me to keep going ahead like I am.

Not being able to dance is the most disheartening thing. Expression is my way of handling how crappy life can be, and dance had become my main avenue for that. I haven’t painted in years, even if I wanted to I can’t sit for that long any more. I write, but I don’t have the time nor the brain power to do so as much as I would like. Before, I would just push through and endure and make the most of things by filling my life with things that made me happy and surrounding myself with people who made me happy, but this past year has made that far more difficult than I ever expected.

It makes me not want to speak, to write. It makes me feel I should stay silent because all I ever do is complain about the same things over and over again. That I don’t have anything to write in a blog post since I’m not even dancing, and things aren’t getting any better or more hopeful, they’re actually getting worse.

But I don’t want to stop this blog. I don’t want to stop my dance story. I may not be able to actively participate currently, but it’s still so much a part of me. It’s in my blood.

I was excited last night to find a favorite online store of mine had a ballet shoe sweater and ballet dancer blouse and dress on sale, so I bought them for myself. It helped me feel a little more connected, even if it is in such a silly way. That maybe this isn’t my end. Maybe I’m not becoming entirely irrelevant. And maybe this year won’t be full of hopeless anti-progression.

We’ll see.

Until then, I’ll do my best to do my best and keep moving forward.

This entry was posted in dance.

4 comments on “2018

  1. Kimmie says:

    Happy New Year!

    I am new to your blog. I hope that you are able to keep dancing and find hope and encouragement in everyday! Best of luck to you!

    Kimmie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Kimmie! I really appreciate it. Glad to have you along!

      Like

  2. vtgem24 says:

    I’m thinking of you and praying for you! I’m glad to hear you won’t stop writing. All we can do is try to keep moving forward. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my friend! ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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