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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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2018

Days leading up to the new year has had me sort of taking stock and evaluating the year ahead of me. To do so, i look at the years behind me and sort of gauge what I might be able to expect, and what things I’d like to change.

This is normal, right?

This last year really did a number on me, and I don’t know that I let myself fully process or feel any of it. Maybe that’s what makes New Year’s Day so difficult.

As I sit back and evaluate, I try to get myself in the best form of preparation for work. Our busy season begins in January, with it being one of the most difficult months, at least for me. Maybe it won’t be as difficult once I really get the hang for all the yearly reports and things, but it’s still complex. This year, everything is made more complicated because of the hurricane, and next year the laws are going to change. I try to do what I can in advance to make sure I’m the most on top of my game as possible, including choreographing the recital pieces Im responsible for during break, even if I don’t start teaching my students yet. It’s one less things for me to have to worry about getting done when I don’t have any extra time to spare.

Looking ahead to this year was weird for me. It’s the first year that i know going into it that I’m not currently dancing. Yes, I’m still teaching, but depending on how the busy season goes I may or may not have it in me to keep going ahead like I am.

Not being able to dance is the most disheartening thing. Expression is my way of handling how crappy life can be, and dance had become my main avenue for that. I haven’t painted in years, even if I wanted to I can’t sit for that long any more. I write, but I don’t have the time nor the brain power to do so as much as I would like. Before, I would just push through and endure and make the most of things by filling my life with things that made me happy and surrounding myself with people who made me happy, but this past year has made that far more difficult than I ever expected.

It makes me not want to speak, to write. It makes me feel I should stay silent because all I ever do is complain about the same things over and over again. That I don’t have anything to write in a blog post since I’m not even dancing, and things aren’t getting any better or more hopeful, they’re actually getting worse.

But I don’t want to stop this blog. I don’t want to stop my dance story. I may not be able to actively participate currently, but it’s still so much a part of me. It’s in my blood.

I was excited last night to find a favorite online store of mine had a ballet shoe sweater and ballet dancer blouse and dress on sale, so I bought them for myself. It helped me feel a little more connected, even if it is in such a silly way. That maybe this isn’t my end. Maybe I’m not becoming entirely irrelevant. And maybe this year won’t be full of hopeless anti-progression.

We’ll see.

Until then, I’ll do my best to do my best and keep moving forward.

This entry was posted in dance.

4 comments on “2018

  1. Kimmie says:

    Happy New Year!

    I am new to your blog. I hope that you are able to keep dancing and find hope and encouragement in everyday! Best of luck to you!

    Kimmie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Kimmie! I really appreciate it. Glad to have you along!

      Like

  2. vtgem24 says:

    I’m thinking of you and praying for you! I’m glad to hear you won’t stop writing. All we can do is try to keep moving forward. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my friend! ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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