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Emilee

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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.

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Dreams.

I used to dream of one day dancing ballet. Of working hard and earning pointe shoes and dancing on stage in beautiful costumes.

Then I decided to start classes and work towards that dream.

Slowly, I started progressing. Slowly, I started taking more classes. Two years in, I earned pointe shoes and started the work of improvement in this new area of ballet.

My studio closed, I found a new one. Before I knew it, I was in shows, on stage in beautiful costumes. There were moments when my breath would leave me realizing I was the person walking backstage in such a way to try to not make a lot of noise in my pointe shoes or move the backdrop with my beautiful costume.

I dreamed, I fought, I saw them happen.

Life was literally a dream come true.

These days, I dream of waking up and not already feeling exhausted. I dream of being able to go grocery shopping by myself because it means i won’t need someone to help me lift things. I dream of being able to stay up past 9 without repercussions for the next week from not sleeping enough. I dream of being able to be put in stressful situations, handle them, and not pay for it for the next however long. I dream of being able to eat, lay down, and not have it come back up simply because of the position I’m in. I dream of being able to sit up without my hips hurting or feeling like it’s taking too much energy if I’m sitting on a chair without a back to lean against. I dream of standing for longer than 30 minutes without being in pain. I dream of muscles and joints that don’t cause me pain in my sleep, or because I stayed in one position too long, or because of who knows what else. I dream of not having to choose between things most people can accomplish in a day because washing dishes is too exhausting to also try to put away laundry.

I dream of taking ballet classes again, of doing shows and wearing pointe shoes and beautiful costumes. I dream of getting through barre without feeling like my brain won’t work anymore. I dream of doing arabesques without risking nerve damage in my back. I dream of hearing music and moving to it simply because I can.

There isn’t much I can do to work towards these dreams like before, but I still dream them. At the same time, I take time to be incredibly grateful for the things I can still do. I can still drive, I can still live by myself. I can still work and make money to pay my bills. I can still teach tiny baby ballet dancers and be inspired by them. I still have breath in my lungs that I can breathe in and out without pain. I can still sleep most nights.

And I can always, always, look back and remember all the things I was able to accomplish because I dared to dream in the first place. And not just passively, but chasing them in the face of fear until they were my reality.

I made my dreams come true once.

I sincerely hope they will come true again.

This entry was posted in dance.

2 comments on “Dreams.

  1. vtgem24 says:

    I hope so, too! You are just so inspiring and I wish all the best for you. We must never lose sight of our dreams. Continuing to pray for you, friend! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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