It’s been three years since I started this blog.
I never expected to have the memories and experiences I have since beginning dancing, and especially since beginning this blog.
I’ve danced in shows on a real stage with real costumes and lights and audience numbers in the hundreds. I’ve met friends through Instagram–some even in person (shout out Allie, Joanna, Hannah, and Jana!)– who continue to be some of my favorite people. I’ve gotten the opportunity to teach ballet to young kids, I’ve gotten to do so many fun ballet photo shoots, I’ve set goals for myself and achieved them.
I’ve also been given diagnosises I didn’t expect and seen these things I worked for taken from me seemingly overnight (even though it was a slow fade.)
Even as I type this, in laying in bed sick, unsure if it’s from overdoing it with the chronic illnesses or if I’m “normal people sick” which is making me even more emotional and pathetic, honestly. Emotions are good, but I’m hitting that pitiful point where it’s better to just sleep than deal with myself.
I don’t write as much, partially because my camera on my phone has been broken since September and I don’t have any updated pictures, partially because I have less to say, partially because having energy to write blogs is harder to muster these days, and partially because remember what I used to have that I no longer do is harder than I expected it to be.
There’s so many layers to a diagnosis, and I’m still unfolding them. As soon as I think I’ve figured out how to handle it and come to terms with my new reality, something hits like a load of bricks and I find myself muddling through all the feelings again.
I don’t want to let this go entirely.
I love the friends I’ve made through ballet.
I love the opportunities it’s given me.
I love the connections this common thread forms.
I love teaching the little ones.
I love getting to be involved with shows, even if it’s minimal.
I love being surrounded by something so timeless.
So how do I handle it all when I’m so limited now?
I’m still learning, and I thank you for sticking around as I find out, even when most of the days are filled with silence.