Here’s some pictures from photo day yesterday
One of the dear moms asked if the covers could take pictures just to have. Mrs Alex was gracious enough to offer her time and we were able to. It was fun to flip around and goof off with these girls. I love them. They make it fun.
I have lots of thoughts and feelings, but I don’t think it necessary to share them here. So I shall leave you with these pictures and keep truckin’.
Last night, I was thinking.
About tomorrow.
About what may or may not happen.
I thought about how I didn’t want to think about this.
How it makes me so anxious I end up sick.
How it’s completely out of my hands.
I prayed.
Talked to God like old friends.
My prayers are rarely, “Dear Lord, XYZ, In Jesus’ Name, Amen” Or whatever formula it typical. Instead, it’s a conversation. Being honest, telling Him how I feel about things and learning what I should be thinking and feeling and doing about it.
“God, I know it’s out of my hands. I know there’s nothing more I can do than I’ve already done. Let them see what needs to be done. Let them remember me. Let my hard work speak for itself. And whatever happens, help me to have a good attitude. I don’t want to be bitter or upset or have a crappy attitude. Help me to see the good in all this. Help me learn everything I can.”
Etc, etc.
I tend to handle things better if I think through the realities before they happen.
“Reality is, they may not change anything. Reality is, if they change something, they could pick someone else. How will I handle this? If either of these things happen, you will still be okay.”
I talk myself through these things so when push comes to shove, I don’t fall apart. I give myself pep talks and council and whatever other words you can find. Because it’s true; no matter what happens, I’ll be okay.
Then God and I had a talk about the hope I feel.
I’m terrified of it, honestly. Terrified that I’ll end up crushed again, and it’ll all be because I set myself up for it. I don’t want to have to go through any of that again.
But is hope so bad a thing? Without it, what do we have?
I thought through scriptures I knew that had the word “hope” in them.
Most also contained the word “trust” or some synonym of the word.
I realized that whatever happened, God is in control, and I can trust Him. Whether it’s in my favor or against, this is an experience to help me learn and grow. If nothing else, I’m reminded of how important it is to lean on Him in these kinds of things, and that He truly can be trusted.
I may be upset or confused or whatever, but I still have peace. Even when anxiety tries to take over, the inner peace is still there.
I caught myself singing an old hymn from my childhood church. I can’t remember the last time I thought of it, but it came back clear as a bell.
“Unto Thee, oh Lord, do I lift up my soul
Unto Thee, oh Lord, do I lift up my soul
Oh, my God, I trust in Thee
Let me not be ashamed,
Let not mine enemies triumph over me.”
I literally sang it until I fell asleep, which I can’t remember the last time I’ve done that, either. (Until I sat bolt upright and remembered I never took a polaroid that day. It’s okay, it was just past 11pm, so I got it in time 😉 )
(For those of you who don’t know, I take a polaroid every day.)
Today I decided to look up the hymn and found it had more verses.
I also found that it is based off Psalm 25.
So I looked up Psalm 25.
1 In you, Lord my God,
I put my trust.
2 I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.
There’s that word again–hope.
Hope is safe.
It’s not something to be afraid of.
It’s not a guaranteed fall.
It’s seeing the good in the world. Acknowledging that there is a potential for something wonderful to happen. The world isn’t perfect, so there’s no way to guarantee that the something wonderful is sure. But the hope itself, it’s safe.
I won’t be put to shame.
Whatever happens, God is still good. He’s still working things out for me. He’s still teaching me and helping me be a better person.
He still has me.
And if there’s anything I could be or should be doing better, He’ll let me know.
I looked up the word “treacherous,” curious of what the intention behind the word was.
1.
characterized by faithlessness or readiness to betray trust; traitorous.
2.
deceptive, untrustworthy, or unreliable.
3.
unstable or insecure, as footing.4.
dangerous; hazardous:
4 Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
It’s funny hearing people tell me how they read my blog and the varying degree of addiction it causes them. I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to it, let alone understand why people actually enjoy reading such nonsense. Nonetheless, I still write this nonsense. So I guess there’s that.
(Hi, y’all, glad to have ya!)
Before class started yesterday, I leaned over to two of my friends and said, “let’s treat this like an audition and see what happens.” If you remember my previous post, Ms. Munro made a comment that we all do so well at auditions and then slack off in class. So I’ve been running an experiment of what would happen if I took her advice.
The results have been astronomical (Imagine that!) and yesterday seemed to be the best thus far. Not only was I getting corrections, I was getting compliments. And not just ones I’ve heard before, but new ones on things I’ve been really working on. Mrs Alex said my arms were light and that I presented correctly and did the arm transitions well. I even got one by name. We were doing a combination at the barre where we did slow develope’s and ended with a tendu in fondu. (I think. Somethings like that.) it was a nice, slow, even tempo combo and felt really good to do. Everything seemed to click so I really did my best to do everything I’ve remembered being taught as well as implementing the corrections as she said them–heel forward, turn out from the hip, shoulder down, really present, straight knees, and on and on.
She happened to look at me at a develope to the back and my thigh happened to be lifted the proper was as I did the movement and she said my name when she complimented me. Then after even said my name again and that me and another girl were the ones she saw had it correct. Like. What? It felt so good, I can’t even find words for it.
I feel like I have to work really hard to prove myself. To show that I am capable and able to do what they ask of me. That I am listening to and want their direction. That I take this seriously and want to improve. That this is more than just some recreational thing. That this is something much deeper.
I was talking to one of my dance mom friends about some stuff going on and made the comment, “it’s just a dance, I shouldn’t be so upset about it.” And her reply really hit me.
“It’s not though. You spend as much time there as you do your job. And you are emotionally invested. For you it isn’t just dance.”
That brought so much peace to me. I’m so used to being told that I have to be strong. To suck it up and just get over it. To just take it. So used to it that when I find myself with these real emotions through something like this that it translates into “I must have done something wrong.” That I’m not enough. That I have to be better. That I can’t let them see me cry. And yes, I shouldn’t let it get to me enough that I get emotional in front of everyone. Dramatics are uncalled for. But I have to give myself room to be human. And it’s okay to do such.
Yesterday’s class made me feel like I am doing all I can to prove myself. That they see it. That however this cookie crumbles, I have done all I can. And that is something I can be proud of and that no one can take away from me.
(Hi. Hello. It’s me.)
I deal with perpetual depression and anxiety.
Now that that is out of the way.
I woke up this morning pretty panicky. For no good reason, but I couldn’t shake it. All I wanted to do was dance, but deep down I was nervous that dance might make it worse. (Probably me jumping to worst case scenario there. Typical.) I tried to go into the class day with an open mind and giving myself room for faults.
Ballet went fairly well. I was able to hold a few balances I usually suck at and do the fouetté prep at the barre I used to really do terribly. We got to center and I still struggled a bit with balancing but was able to see little bits of improvement here and there. Overall, it wasn’t bad. I appreciated that she gave us combinations that were easy on the brain but still challenging our bodies. I think that helped make it better.
Jazz-but-really-lyrical class went fine. Not all the girls were there so we still haven’t changed it up to the final way we’re gonna have it yet, but the new girls that have added on are doing well. They retain the choreography, which is super great. Ms Heidi said she might pull me and either Savanna or Valerie to be another duo, or separate singles–she’s still playing with ideas–and one of them sort of play off Ileana.
As we were standing there while she was figuring out a part for another group, my mind began to wander as it does. I was watching Ileana and wondering what I would do if I was having to sort of mirror her.
And it hit me.
This terrible wave of whatever you want to call it that I hadn’t felt in a good long while.
I thought of being in the audience, watching this piece, it being she and me, and thinking, “that one girl is so good and absolutely gorgeous. Shame they paired her with the bigger girl, she’s not as good I kinda feel bad.”
It’s a dialog I’m sure I’ve heard said of someone on a stage once somewhere. And it’s probably part of the subconscious that stuck in my head growing up and lead me to make decisions I made that lead me to stop eating until I was really thin because I was terrified I would be that person. The “bigger girl” that was seen as a terrible thing. As lesser. As not enough.
And I realized that I would be that should Ileana and I be paired.
And I realized that there are bits in Julie’s recital piece that I am that.
And I realized that at some point my perspective had changed from that negative way of thinking to one of what-can-I-achieve-if-I-work-hard.
But still I found myself standing there tonight with a different kind of panic. What would I do? I can’t lose any more weight than I have. I’m doing my best to improve with the hand life dealt me. How can I not be “that girl” ?
I told myself I couldn’t think that way. Tried to push it out of my mind.
Mere minutes later, the newest new girl and I were learning a bit we had just been shown. I didn’t really know what I was doing but was trying to decode the struggle, so to speak, and she looked at me and said, “man you’re really good. Like, you’re so talented. I know I’m new and all, but I hope I can be as good as you.”
In my head I said, “are you blind? Like. I can’t do anything she’s asking us to do. I’m trying not to panic because I know I can’t do a firebird or a leap in second. I’ve never tried them. I’m gonna look a hot mess, and if I can’t do it how am I gonna teach you to do it? I’m terrible. I’m new to this class and much of it is way over my head. Have you seen me? I’m not exactly the dancer type.” But instead I replied with, “thank you!”
She didn’t have to say that. She could have kept it to herself. Sure, it’s safe to say the entire class is better than me in skill, but whose to say I’m not good in my own right? She didn’t see me as the “bigger girl in the class full of skinny, good girls.” She saw me as “talented.”
*mind blows*
I may still struggle.
I may feel like I don’t really do anything right.
I may feel like I’m just a 5 year old playing a giant game of pretend and all the adults just think “aww how cute” cause it’s cute when a 5 year old makes a fool of themself.
I may feel like I keep missing out on roles and parts and accomplishments because I must just not be good enough.
I may feel like I don’t have enough time to get to “enough.”
But to her, I was enough. I was the “goals.” I was talented. I was the one to be like.
Who am I to limit myself with my own judgements?
Today was my turn for costume fittings.
I still have no clue what our roles actually do, but I think it is safe to say I like them a whole lot more after costume fittings today.
We did Court Ladies first, which have these hoop skirts and dresses in three pieces made to look like the time of the story.
I first tried on one that was pink and blue. It was really pretty, but just a bit too short in the torso for me. (I have a pathetically long torso and my waist is really high. The struggle. It’s so real.) We tried a second one that is various blues. Oh my gosh I love it so much. Abarrane said I looked like Felicity from the American Girl Dolls, which–lets be real–who doesn’t want to be her? I feel so regal in it. It’s like seeing all those period movies and wishing you could be in them and now I get to via ballet. The arms are a little tight, and the torso is actually a little short, but I told Mrs Jane I have a blue leotard if I need to wear it and she said there’s a bit of space where she can make it longer. I’m so excited.
The second fitting was for the Hunts Woman. Once again, no clue what we’re actually doing. But we get to wear big feathered hats and it’s pretty much the greatest.
Mrs Jane handed me specific dresses both times. I’m not sure if it’s just what’s best to my measurements or if she was trying to get me the best ones because really I got the best ones in my opinion. (Although some of the other ones are great too. Mine are just my favorite.)
It fit perfectly and I don’t think needs anything done to it. I knew it looked like something but I couldn’t put my finger on what. My sister said Buttercup from The Princess Bride. Bam. Heck yes.
Overall I’m really excited.
It was nice to be the one in the fitting that just fit the costumes. If you recall from last year, it was quite a struggle to get the costumes to work for me. (Did I write about that? I thought I did but just tried to find the post and failed. Maybe it was too personal for me and I kept it to myself. Oh well.) I felt so very defeated. But this year that wasn’t the case. And it felt even better to know they don’t have to do as many alterations to mine either.
We have pictures next weekend and I believe our first rehearsals for these the next weekend. I don’t expect them to be too complicated since we only have one rehearsal for them before we rehearse all of swan lake together.
A little bird told me that there are over 70 villagers all together. How they’ll all fit on stage, I have no idea. Good thing the kids are small? Haha
Here’s a few more pictures from today. Mostly compliments of Lillian 🙂
This morning I woke up feeling anxious.
I couldn’t shake it. One of the girls even mentioned before barre that I didn’t seem myself. I found myself fighting off panic attacks at the barre and it only escalated into rehearsal.
I bit my lip until it cracked and dug my nails into my side until someone distracted me with a question. Thankfully. Because I’m sure I would have broken skin without even thinking.
That’s something people don’t know or realize about me, I guess. The darkness of my past. It typically stays there, but sometimes it can creep back into the present and the fight is exhausting.
Today was one of those days.
Only one girl wasn’t there, and another one wasn’t feeling well so she sat out. Ms Munro had girls who hadn’t run it go in so I was marking it from the sidelines. It wasn’t all that bad, like no worse than usual at least. Part of me was grateful to not have to be “on” but the other part of me knows that I don’t have the luxury of getting to be off. Not right now.
I really appreciated one of the moms coming up and encouraging me. I had really gotten inside my head at that point. Why am I here? Why do I even try? What is the point of it all if I work my hardest and nothing comes of it? Who am I kidding? If I’m not good enough now what makes me think I will be later? Whose to say I’ll even have a later? I was so beyond frustrated and I hated myself for it. The battle was real, and the “dark place” was rampant. But she came up and encouraged me without even realizing what she was doing. Well, part of it I’m sure she did. But really, I was so grateful.
I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be upset or frustrated or bitter or anything. I just want to dance.
After that point, I stood there and asked myself some questions.
Why am I upset? Because I didn’t get to be a swan.
Yeah but you’re still in Swan Lake. Yeah, but I wanted to be good enough to be this role.
Okay but you can’t change anything now. So what are you going to do about it? Well. I’m gonna work hard and do my best.
Cause really. Why am I here? What drives me to show up every day, even if I’m not a swan? I do it because I love dance, I love the art form. I love getting to be here and try new things and learn and grow. And aren’t I getting to do that still?
I get out of this what I put into it. And sure it sucks that some of the other girls don’t even bother to show up or put in effort. But Mrs Alex is right–I’d rather be a good person than a stellar dancer. At least dance is something you can work to improve upon.
So it can really suck being a cover. It’s hard and exhausting and really emotional. But it’s what I am. It’s what I signed up for. And I made a commitment. I don’t want to go back on that just because the cards didn’t fall in my favor. That would be immature. Now my goal is to be the one they can count on. To do everything I can to know the parts so I can be relied upon should anything happen. I want to put a good taste in their mouth, make their jobs easier.
Even if I don’t get to dance swan, I can still tell them a lot of my character by my actions.
They had swan fittings after. We didn’t have to be there but I was to wait for my friend who is a swan. It was cool getting to see them all together. The costumes are gorgeous. I really am proud of how good it’s looking and how well they’re really coming together. I got to actually watch it today. It’s really neat.
A few of my friends 😊
Here’s a few before class.
I’ve been rather contemplative lately, in a funk of sorts. This tends to be when I get reflective and such, which has only been heightened by the excitement of a domain name, instagram account, facebook page, and everything else that has come about with the blog actually being a .com.
Looking back, I realized this time last year, most people still didn’t know me.
It was largely Wizard of Oz that actually introduced me to everyone in the studio. I knew a few after Nutcracker, but mainly just the girls in Chinese with me. Which was about, ya know, 7 people. Oz added on the Crows, other Winkie Guards, a teacher, (who was our director) Munchkins, their siblings, the dance mom’s, and eventually the other dancers. (I think Crows opened up majority of that.)
It’s funny to see the difference.
How now, everyone knows me. They know my name. They know I’m not in High School, a good deal of them have figured out my story, or at least bits of it.
Honestly, sometimes I can’t tell which I prefer.
Getting less-than-stellar roles is definitely easier when you don’t know anyone. It’s not as personal. The sting is only within yourself and doesn’t typically have other people attached. It’s less to fake until you can work through your emotions. It’s less tears, really.
There’s less confusion about how you rank on level since so many other opinions are now interjected. You don’t have as many people you feel responsible fore; You don’t have to be “on” as much when no one knows you.
On the other hand, there’s less encouragement. Less people who care about your accomplishments and help you when you’re struggling. There’s less support. You don’t have people to bounce thoughts off of, or to ask to watch you do this or that move and see if it’s correct. You don’t have someone there to pull you back to reality when you get caught inside your own head, no one to shoot down the lies you tell yourself. No one to build you up when you get knocked down. There’s no one there to ask for advice. No one to share ballet puns with. No one to read your blog and get excited with you over new beginnings or small victories.
On Sunday, I went with one of my best-non-dance friends to Austin to meet our favorite author. This was my first time to attend such an event, and I was really excited, especially since I felt like I could relate to him in so many ways.
There was a question and answer segment, during which he nonchalantly divulged the wisdom that guides who he is as a writer and a person. During this, he made a comment about how, when writing the final book of this trilogy, he tried to seclude himself to get what he needed out. He went to his parents cabin with hopes and visions of walking around nature, taking it all in, and being able to get the story out. What he found was the exact opposite. Being alone was of no help, and instead he found what he needed when he surrounded himself with the people he cares most about. The ones who encourage him and are honest with him.
It may be difficult, there may be times I want to just be alone, and that’s okay. Especially being largely introverted. But what it boils down to is that I’d be nothing without the people in my life, without this dance family I have found myself among. They push me and encourage me and help me accomplish the things I’ve set out to do. They celebrate my successes and grieve my disappointments right along side me.
Though I’m sure I’ll find myself in days when being alone is what I need, I can’t let myself cut off from the very people who have helped me get as far as I am.
I love the people in my life. And I cherish these days that I get to have them close to me. Every year brings new changes–heck, everything could change tomorrow–so while I have them, I want to hold them close and make the most of it.
Hi, hello, new platform here. Bear with me as I move things around and change things up and get comfortable in my new home.
I’m excited 🙂
Tuesday nights class was cancelled since almost everyone is part of Festival and they had an adjudication that night. Four of our choreographers each have a dance they showcase and go head to head against each other, two pieces being chosen to go to Festival in April.
I had seen a few of the rehearsals. Some of them started off really rough, but I was really impressed with how well the girls (and Sean) all did. I think it’s safe to say this was the best they’ve done it and it all looked so good. I’d hate to be the adjudicator. He’s got some tough decisions ahead of him.
I was particularly proud of a few of the girls that had really been put through the ringer. Overcoming challenges and having to really pick themselves up and fight for it. And they did. And it proved worth it. And it took everything in me not to scream in excitement when they nailed it. (Especially since I was working the adjudicators camera) (hah)
The evening did start with a class. Anyone in company could take the class. I wanted to, but since I was out of town Sunday, I didn’t have time to wash my tights and leotards before so I literally threw them in the wash Tuesday morning and asked mom to hang them up for me.
(Thanks mom!)
It was cool to get to watch, though. To see not only the “good dancers” that everyone knows is awesome, but to see the up and comings. To see the ones in my level that stand out and be able to try and figure out what is different about them and how I can be more like that.
Once again, I was very proud of my girls.
The whole night was really fun. Even though I didn’t get to take class, I was glad to be there. And to be able to really take it all in.
I’ve found myself doing that in class as well. Taking a step back and appreciating what I have and who I have. Next year, things will be different. Heck, they could all change tomorrow. But we have right now. And right now is pretty great.
Class yesterday went really well, too. I’m really getting the hang of pirouettes en pointe, and even attempted some en dedans. They weren’t so successful, but I didn’t break apart. I accepted it and determined to keep working.
We did some adagio and I was actually able to keep my balance, which I have struggled with. It’s still not perfect, but I can feel myself improving. And that’s a wonderful thing.
We worked a bit on recital, even though quite a few people are missing. I was grateful, though, especially since it’s getting closer to when I’ll have to be working lots of overtime and missing class. Plus, I love seeing the piece come together, even if it is a bit chaotic right now with so many people and half of them missing.
While waiting for our next bit of instruction, I found a quiet moment and a bit space around me so I decided to try to work on the en dedans.
And wouldn’t you know, I did it.
On both sides.
I literally stopped and made a face and my friend asked if I was okay cause she thought something was wrong. Oh no, nothing wrong. Just why couldn’t I do that earlier? Haha. But it’s good, I think I’m finally grasping them, so I tried a few more. It seems my placement in the plié was what held me back, and when I do it right I get the force I need to turn. Little victories!
We’re also starting to have the studio loaded with boxes; recital costumes coming in slowly. Turns out ours had to be changed, and the ones we’re using came in. I made eyes at Mrs. Alex to sort of ask what they were so she told us and showed us and honestly I love them.
The color is so rich, and I think it really goes well with the music and the piece and I’m just so happy! The other ones were nice, but these are just incredible.
It was really nice to have a good class yesterday. My jetes still need work, but that’s okay. Every day I hope to be a little better leaving than when I came in. It’s a struggle, but I really want to do everything I can and work as hard as possible. Especially since I’ve been feeling so well lately. I want to do because I can. (I even tried jumps!) (and was successful! Just. Ya know. Need to beef up my stamina.) Theres not much worse than knowing you’re capable to do things, but your body holds you back so you physically can’t. All while people around you are being lazy in doing them. I want to shake them and scream, “if you’re able, please do it!!!” Thankfully, everyone as a whole yesterday seemed to be on their a game.
It was a good day.
During warmup at rehearsal on Saturday, Ms. Munro made a comment.
It is clear that learning a part as complex as the Swan corps is way more difficult as a cover than as an actual swan. I sometimes find myself wondering if the girls know how lucky they truly are to have their place set and sure, not having to worry about what the other groups are doing.
I was Abarrane for part of the rehearsal Saturday since she had ACT testing in the morning. It wasn’t too difficult, since she was the opposite of Adrienne, except for the bits I couldn’t remember. Oops.
But that’s okay. We got it fixed and worked out and all is well.
When Abarrane got there, I tried to watch for the people I know will be out coming up, and it got complicated. They are each something different. Then I come to the realization that even being this proactive won’t guarantee I’ll get the spot if someone drops. It could be a matter of height. These other covers are dedicated to learning it as well.
Instead of being overcome by bitterness, fear, and jealousy, I approached the girls with an idea: Let’s for some kind of group as the covers to make sure we enjoy this instead of just sitting on the sidelines sad. “Let’s be so cool the other girls wished they were us.” Haha.
Catherine and Maddie came up with a clever name–The Ugly Ducklings.
In the story, the ugly duckling tries so hard to be like the swans he sees, but just can’t be. (Until he grows up and realizes he was a wan all along, just needed a little growth.)
We want to make shirts. It’s gonna be great.
The girls are excited about it, as am I. We even have a fun little hand sign thing.
It still stings a bit to not be a swan. Seeing and hearing the other girls get so excited for costume fittings and photo day and all, knowing I just have to watch from the sidelines again. But it is what it is. There’s nothing we can do about it.
Instead, I had Ms. Heidi look at my shoes, and asked her what she thought. I’ve been told I don’t pull out of my shoe, but I don’t know what else to do to be better about that. She was able to explain what I need to think about, and give me some things to try at home to help me get better. It’ll take time, but if I start now it’ll be very beneficial.
In her Jazz/Lyrical class, we had a new girl, Valerie. She paired her with me since my partner wasn’t there to work on recital. I taught her our bit and we did it side by side instead of mirrored. I had no idea that the only dance training she had was dance class in high school. She took the adult ballet and said it was really fast, but she wanted to dance so she’s gonna stick with it. She really liked the Lyrical class, which was good. She picked things up really well and was able to just go with it, even though she didn’t know what half the stuff was. I was really impressed. She told me how she wished she would have started dancing younger, but was excited to start now. She’s from Austin, and down here for school. She seems like a great person, and it was fun to actually have someone in the class understand my cultural references from when I was a kid. (Lookin’ at you, Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century.)
Valerie is going to do recital, so Heidi was trying to think of how to work with the new numbers. She might have Valerie take my spot, and teach me a new thing entirely, thinking it may be easier to learn since I won’t be here a lot from work coming up. Which is exciting, but also a bit nerve wracking.
It was refreshing having Valerie in class. It reminded me of what I felt when I first started–that bit that can get lost in all the striving and stress. I still have a ways to go, and loads to learn, but I’ve come so far from that first anxiety-ridden day. And it’s not all about hitting one certain goal, it’s about the process. It’s about every day, working hard–not just one show or role. It’s about being better today than I was yesterday. If I can do that, I am successful.
(Repeat to myself when I’m starting to feel the sting again.)
Another Night at the Barre 