The human body can be broken, but the human spirit is uncrushable.
If you decide you won’t let it be crushed.
I finally broke down and asked Jilissa about the pain in my knee.
It was tolerable, but has recently started getting worse.
I noticed a while back that when I bend my right knee, it felt like it was crunching under the knee cap. I had asked Jilissa about it, and she made a grimace face. Not good. She told me to watch it and try and be careful with it.
That was almost a year ago. For the most part it’s been okay, but I noticed last week that it was pretty consistently shooting pain in the same spot.
So I asked her.
Once again, grimace.
She said that under the knee cap, it’s not good. It could possibly need to be scraped. Dr’s usually say not to do the surgery unless it’s affecting your day-to-day like. “But, you’re a dancer, so.” She said that technology and modern medicine has come a long way, so I could possibly only be out for 3 weeks. But she’s not a Dr, so all of this could be way off.
I decided I’m gonna get it checked out anyway. Just to see.
I really don’t want to. I’m afraid I’ll be told not to dance. Or not to get on pointe. Which it my dream I’m working towards. Or that I wouldn’t get to do recital in June, which I have been looking forward to all year.
But, I can’t let this overwhelm me.
If I give up, then I really will never reach my dreams.
Sure, it’s a pretty tough pill to swallow to think that I may lose the one and only thing I really have left to hold on to. But I have to keep pushing forward.
Stopping ensures defeat.
I have a horrible habit.
When I focus really hard, I forget to breathe.
Whether it be while crocheting, reading, watching the turning point in a movie, something super specific…
Anything that demands my full attention.
Sometimes I’ll be on a long black train of thoughts and realize I’m not breathing.
It’s worst when I dance.
Trying to remember everything; turn out from the hip, use your core, pull up in your legs, chest lifted. Let alone trying to do a circular port de bras and rond de jambe at the same time. In releve.
If you forget to breathe, forget it. You’ll end a 30 second combination super light headed and beat down.
I was having a rough night this week, and a dear friend said simply, “Remember to breathe.”
When I get really upset, I’ll hold my breathe. I don’t even realize it.
But it’s like in dance when I’m really focused. I have to remember or else it’s going to make the next combination even more difficult.
I’m never going to be put through anything I can’t handle.
If I can remember to breathe, remember to think clearly, remember to dismiss the lies telling me of all the ways I fall short, then I will be able to endure. Then the next thing that comes at me will be endurable. I’ll know I can do it because I have before.
Remember to breathe.
Everything is better in the morning.
Recently in class, Jilissa has been working us pretty hard.
We’ve all gotten to the point where we’re pretty level in skill, so she’s been throwing new stuff at us and really pushing us.
Before, I probably would freak out at the fact that it’s new and I can’t do it, but recently that hasn’t been the case. I would panic if I didn’t get it the first or second time. Then I would shut down and not be very productive for the rest of the class.
But now, I’ve realized that is all in my head.
The Lord sat me down last year and told me, “The Holy Spirit is the author of all creativity. And if He lives inside of you, what makes you think you can’t do the things I’ve placed inside of you to desire to do?”
And that put me straight on my face. Okay, makes sense, I’ll have confidence.
That was last year. Fast forward to today.
Jilissa throws these new and difficult things at us, and instead of panicking when things get difficult, I’m able to have a confident approach. I know that if I can’t get it the first time, that’s okay. I can just put it on the back burner and figure it out on my time. The point is that I try.
And when I try, I amaze myself at how much I can actually do.
Instead of looking at it and seeing all the negatives, seeing all the ways I can mess it up, all the ways that I don’t do it well, I look at it and see the possibilities.
I know I’m not awesome yet, but I know I’m on my way. And if I never try new things, I’ll never get there. If I never fall flat on my face, I’ll never learn.
So when life seems the same, when things look really difficult, or impossible, or hopeless. Don’t look at it and see all the difficulties that you’ll face, look at it and see all the positives it holds. All the potential.
Don’t get upset that you’re not where you want to be yet, find ways to be grateful for where you are right now.
You’ll get there, eventually, on your own time.
Until then, enjoy the journey.
Jilissa pointed out that sometimes we seem to get caught up on one move we can’t master.
It’ll ruin the rest of our day.
she suggested just putting it out of your head. Take that move, that sequence, whatever it is you can’t seem to get. Accept it, put it to the side and keep going. you can come back to it later when you’re ready to try it again.
And that’s okay.
We aren’t gonna get everything exactly right the first time.
We’re gonna make mistakes, we’re gonna trip up.
There will even be things we have seemingly mastered that will just seem impossible on some days.
Let it go.
Don’t let it ruin your entire day.
Don’t let it drain you of the other things that have the potential to be beautiful.
Leave it to be contained in that one thing.
Don’t take it with you to everything.
Whatever it is that is haunting your thoughts
whatever seeming failures or mistakes or confusion
Just accept it, let it go, and move on.