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Emilee

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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.

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When life is hard.

Recently in class, Jilissa has been working us pretty hard.
We’ve all gotten to the point where we’re pretty level  in skill, so she’s been throwing new stuff at us and really pushing us.
Before, I probably would freak out at the fact that it’s new and I can’t do it, but recently that hasn’t been the case. I would panic if I didn’t get it the first or second time. Then I would shut down and not be very productive for the rest of the class.
But now, I’ve realized that is all in my head.
The Lord sat me down last year and told me, “The Holy Spirit is the author of all creativity. And if He lives inside of you, what makes you think you can’t do the things I’ve placed inside of you to desire to do?”
And that put me straight on my face. Okay, makes sense, I’ll have confidence.

That was last year. Fast forward to today.
Jilissa throws these new and difficult things at us, and instead of panicking when things get difficult, I’m able to have a confident approach. I know that if I can’t get it the first time, that’s okay. I can just put it on the back burner and figure it out on my time. The point is that I try.
And when I try, I amaze myself at how much I can actually do.

Instead of looking at it and seeing all the negatives, seeing all the ways I can mess it up, all the ways that I don’t do it well, I look at it and see the possibilities.
I know I’m not awesome yet, but I know I’m on my way. And if I never try new things, I’ll never get there. If I never fall flat on my face, I’ll never learn.

So when life seems the same, when things look really difficult, or impossible, or hopeless. Don’t look at it and see all the difficulties that you’ll face, look at it and see all the positives it holds. All the potential.
Don’t get upset that you’re not where you want to be yet, find ways to be grateful for where you are right now.

You’ll get there, eventually, on your own time.
Until then, enjoy the journey.

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