This past week

Mrs. Alex wasn’t in class on Wednesday, so we had a sub. I ended up sneaking out towards the end, embarrassed by the fact I couldn’t do what she was asking. She was teaching more on the advanced side and I could do it—or at least try it—on flat, but on pointe it was impossible. It is a bit frustrating to have the class taught to a level farther than what we are capable of (and more so when most of the class is the lower level) but I understand with subs its hit and miss. (And not all the time.) She didn’t know me. She didn’t know I’m an adult and incapable of “just try” ing like the younger girls in my level. They rocked it and learned and tried, but I can’t do that. My body doesn’t always let me. Or it’s an addition onto something I have yet to master, even if the other girls have. Which I just have to accept, and know when to pick my battles. It was okay, I know where I stand and know what I need to do and have a plan on how to achieve it.
I had to miss Saturday’s rehearsal due to a wedding I was booked to shoot. It was laid out oddly, so I was actually able to swing by the downtown studio for a bit of the Rat Queen rehearsal. I was really grateful to get to see it one more time. It also worked out as Ms. Munro needed a couple pictures for the Beeville shows and I had my camera on me and was able to get them.
Sunday’s rehearsal went relatively smooth. We figured out a solution to the missing Petit Fleur issue (we being not us, just to clarify. Mrs. Alex and Ms. M are rockstars. Especially with how chaotic this year’s casting has become) and were able to help Ileana learn the extra role and Hannah and/or Nina did well switching spots (so well I couldn’t tell who actually switched.) Now we should be able to clean it up.
They didn’t have the air on, and there’s this fun thing my body likes to do where if I get too hot, I get sick. (My sister is opposite. If she gets too cold, she gets sick) I tend to have to be able to feel air blowing, but I try not to think about it because sometimes if I don’t think about it I can trick my body into not reacting. But it went a little too long Sunday, and I felt it hit while we were at the barre. I tried to ignore it, but by the time we started running rehearsals, my face felt really hot and Mariela said I looked red. This is a good sign, because if I’m pale it means fever, so I knew it was probably just the being-too-hot thing. I had to step outside for a bit to feel the air flow, and still felt pretty crummy. I knew chances were once we started dancing I’d forget about it, so I tried to hold out. Elizabeth showed me where in the studio you could feel the air blowing most so I stood there during corrections. Everyone was a bit hot, and Elizabeth found one of the Spanish fans to fan herself with after running Sugar Plum. She came over and stood next to me so I could get some of the air too, which I really appreciated. She is so good to me.
(Sometimes I sit back and am blown away by the quality of people I have in my life now. I got so used to having people who leave me or just want to use me that to have kind people who stick around, it’s still kind of shocking at times. I’m super grateful.)
We had another flower roll her ankle. I haven’t heard yet what the final verdict is, but hopefully it’s something she has time to come back from and can still dance in the show.  I got home that night and was putting stuff away in my house when I misjudged and hit my toe on a suitcase. Ten years ago, I hit this same toe on a suitcase wheel in Paris and broke it. I hobbled around Paris and London when we continued on there. It was super cute. It’s the toe next to the pinkie toe, which always blows my mind. Why this one? Why not the toe farthest on the end? How did that one escape injury again?(Maybe because it’s hunched over from when it too was broken when I was 13 and hiked on it not realizing. *shrug*)
I’m not going to lie; I sat on my bed and cried. I was terrified it was broken. That I, too, had become the next victim of the falling flowers and would have to be replaced by God-knows-who since we’re officially out of spares. It didn’t swell, and the bruise is only on top, so I convinced myself to calm down and got an ice pack for it. In the morning, you could see it was bruised, but only a little bit. I can bend it, but I could bend my pinkie toe as well when it was broken. I could point my foot, so I decided I’d go to class and at least try barre and see what happened. I told my teacher, Ms. Catherine, and she said, “You just can’t catch a break, can you?” I wanted to thank her.  So often these things will happen and my head tells me that I’m just being dramatic and should push through things and suck it up, when really I should take my time with them, even if it seems to be all the freaking time.
I could releve, but only if my weight stayed completely over the big toe. I could plie, but gingerly where I kept pressure off of it. I could point my toe, but only if it was slow enough to be careful so I ended up doing half the stuff rather flexed on that foot, and nixed the releve on the other. It was frustrating.
I skipped the second half of class, afraid of jumping on it, and skipped Jazz V. It made me sad, but I’d rather be safe—especially with Nutcracker at risk.
With perfect timing, I received my shirt I ordered from Marissa Milele which says, “Never Give Up!” When I emailed her to order it she told me to send her a picture, so I had one of my friends get a picture of it and send it to her.

She’s so great. So kind and encouraging. And I love this shirt. I think it’s a mantra I can really get behind.

I’m still going to class tonight, mainly because I told Adrienne I would help her work on fouette’s after ballet. Plus, I can watch and learn that way. Get it in my brain and all. 
Hopefully my toe will be okay by the weekend on next week. It really doesn’t look that bad. 
All else fails, if I can hike on a broke toe, I can dance on one right?

(also, just re-read this and it reads really funny. Like it’s just notes of what all I really wanted to say. I’ve been in a funk, I guess, and keep embarrassing myself. So anyone who encounters me right now, my apologies. I’m a mess and not saying the right things and blah)


Hey, remember that one time? (SYTYCD)

If you’ve been with me a while, you’ll remember my obsession with So You Think You Can Dance last year.
You’ll remember how I last minute got to go to the tour in San Antonio and accidentally happened to meet them.
I grew up in a small town that’s only now starting to grow a bit to where some artists will stop there. And even then, some find it still too small and will cancel shows because of it. Houston and Dallas were just to far of a drive for my parents to justify so we never had the opportunity to go to things like this.
Last year, I made it a point to do all the things I never got to do and had found myself making excuses about in the name of adult responsibility.
(Pro tip: Screw that.)
I filled my year with incredible experiences and adventure, beginning with winning the pointe shoe fitting contest that literally changed my dancing “career,” followed by last year’s SYTYCD tour, and rounding out in July with a trip to Europe (that I’m still paying off but oh my gosh worth it.) (Guys. Harry Potter Studio Tour.)
Things got pretty overwhelmingly busy in my life, and I wasn’t able to follow this season as closely as I wanted to. Jackie (my best friend) would DVR them for me, so I got to see two episodes one day when I was able to drive the 45 minutes to see her, but the rest of them time was too tight. (sad. day.)
I figured maybe it was a good thing–I wouldn’t get emotionally attached to this season and be sad when I wouldn’t be able to go to the tour because really how would that ever happen twice, right?
Still, I followed along on social media: following my favorites from last season that made it through this season, looking up the social media accounts of the dancers everyone was buzzing about, a dance clip here and there when I had a spare minute.

Fast forward to last week.

This is Judy. She is one of the sweet 12-year-olds I met last year’s Nutcracker when she was an 11-year-old. It was my first season with this new studio attached to this company and I wasn’t hip to the groove with the older kids (yes, hi, I talk like a grandpa sometimes) but I love the younger ones anyway so it was a great time. We took a few classes together this summer when they combined levels and I found it to be very encouraging. (Why would I be afraid when the 11-year-old next to me wasn’t, right?) I’ve really seen her grow a lot here recently, especially this summer, and she shows so much promise for the future. Her love for dance is really developing and she’s dedicating herself more than ever before.
Her Mom is a sweet lady who helps me unknot my yarn when it gets crazy while I’m crocheting (I’m 87 I swear) and is overall a kind lady. She’s invited me along to pointe shoe fittings (which sadly I wasn’t able to attend) and overall very inclusive, which I find to be so very kind and wonderful.
For Judy’s birthday, her Mom wanted to take her to a concert she had been dying to see. Unfortunately, Mom ended up in the hospital and had to have surgery. Judy was such a sport through it all (she is seriously such a great kid) which really touched her mom’s heart. Judy has gotten all A’s, and usually for a reward for an A, she gets $10 per A. (My parents did the same thing. Totally works.) This time her Mom wanted to give her something extra for all her hard work and understanding as well as helping her Mom through this tough time. The kicker? She still can’t move her neck enough to drive to San Antonio.
Last week, Mom approached me and asked if I had driven to San Antonio by myself before (she is so considerate) and if I’d be willing to take Judy to SYTYCD. She said she’d buy my ticket and help with gas, and told me her heart in the matter.
Words can’t describe how honored I was that she would trust me with her sweet girl. That she thought of me, and offered to pay my way as well. I checked my schedule, considered the dance class I would miss, and agreed. (I mean, so hard, right?) (My teacher is out of town and it’s the class I’m probably going to switch around anyway.)
She told Judy, got the tickets, and we counted down the days this last week on instagram in excited anticipation.

Little did Judy know that I had insight from last year that would *hopefully* get us to meet them this year.
(And Mom was okay if we came back at 2:30 in the morning.)

We head out after she gets out of school and I get off work yesterday. GPS was being weird and got us a bit turned around, but nothing substantial. We laughed it off with a “remember the time we went the wrong way as soon as we left for SYTYCD?”
We worked on her math, science, and art homework and by the time she finished we were nearly there. We talked excitedly of dance and how cool it was that we were getting to go. I love this kid.

When we arrived, I pointed out the side street near the parking garage.
“See those buses? Those are theirs.  And after the show, if we wait by them, usually they come out and say hi.”
She. Was. Elated.
We got into the parking garage, took the elevator down to the ground floor, and entered the Majestic.
As we waited to show our tickets, an usher said, “Ladies and Gentlemen! Photography is allowed as long as there is no flash.” To which I said, “Can you imagine the pictures I could have gotten with my big camera had I know?!” (Seriously, though. They would have been poster worthy, and not because I’m awesome. We. Were. That. Close.) Judy said, “You could get a picture of Gaby’s feet!” (They’re impressive, y’all.)
We gave our tickets to the lady and she scans them, as she does Judy’s, she says to her, “Are you a dancer?” Judy answered, “Yes.” and the lady said, “You hold yourself like one!”
I’m absolutely beaming in pride. Someone we don’t know saw in Judy what I can see in her. That part that is starting to show and just needs a little bit more to fully come out. Her untapped potential. Judy was so flattered.
We get in line at the merch table and start really getting excited. As we checked out, the lady that helped Judy asked if we were sisters. I said, “Not technically, but basically.” Because really, close enough. The lady said, “You two favor each other!”
We hadn’t even made it to our seats and we’re already so happy.

We show the usher lady our tickets (oh, ps, a lovely usher lady pointed us kindly in a shortcut part of the merch line. I think Judy’s red hair was luck for us) and she tells us it’s all the way down towards the front and to the right. (aka, center)
We were in Row C, seats 115 and 113.
Ya know, third row in the center.
What. Is. Life.
We’re so flipping excited it’s insane.

We looked at our programs, and I asked her to point out her favorites and had her school me on who everyone was. She explained how the Street Vs. Stage went this year and who was which team.

The show began.
(Keep in mind these are on my cell phone… If I had my pro camera, they’d be legit. But honestly, I’m kinda glad I didn’t. You can see the raw moments in these blurry photos. They may not be poster worthy, but they do my heart good. Therefore, they are fab.)

My mind is completely blown.

Last year, I went into it knowing what dances to expect and with hopes of which of my favorites I would see. I knew everyone’s name and could point them out easily. I knew which dance was which by the first 3 seconds in (if that) and the whole thing was a wild ride. This time, coming in not knowing really who can do what or which dances were done this season (except for one I saw in a clip) proved a very different experience. A wonderful one.
There were surprises around every turn, dance moves I didn’t even know existed, perfect technique and executions. My right hand was on my face with my mouth open just about the whole time when I wasn’t taking pictures on my phone.
(I was sort of glad to not have my pro camera. Sure, the pictures would have been wonderful, but it’s no different than seeing it on TV. You’re experience is through a screen. This way I could just enjoy it, only getting a shot here and there for posterity.)

We were so close that the dancer’s could see us when the lights were bright towards us. How do we know? They would make eye contact and wink and stuff. It was so cool.
You could really see how much they put into their art form–the expression, the emotion, the force and passion. You could hear them breathing and see their mouths sing along at appropriate times. You could see their muscles contract and the details of their technique. You could hear them breathing and see the sweat drip off their faces onto the floor or glistening down their backs. You could even hear their feet hit the stage as they landed at times.
I was so glad Judy was there to see how they connected with each other and emoted so well.
There was even one incredible dance they did where it started out with one dancer and a sole lantern on stage. Next thing you know, there are two dancers with lanterns at the foot of the stage. Then two more down the aisle from there, and two more from there. Gaby was literally a couple feet from us, and Hailee not far behind either. Judy was beside herself, these were two of her favorites. The concept of this piece had to be one of my favorites, although favorites are hard to pick. Ever moment is absolutely incredible, with no dead space anywhere between.

I still can’t get over some of the things these people were able to do. I am #teampotato all the way in comparison, haha! But seeing them made me want to be better.

What I really appreciate about SYTYCD in particular is the wide variety of dancers.
In ballet, it tends to be one specific body type that’s favored. You can still dance without that body type, but more often than not if you don’t fit the mold you fall away. Thankfully, this is a stereotype that’s falling away a bit, but it is still very much the norm. Here, I can see dancers of all different body types doing all these different dance styles. I see one girl with thighs like mine, albeit more toned. Her stomach looks like mine, too. Toned, but not necessarily what someone may always consider “flat.” This particularly has been a hard one for me to accept lately because I know before I could get my stomach flat and “beautiful,” but at the expense of my health. If I’m hydrated, it expands a little. I was always made to believe that meant I was lazy, that I was incapable. But clearly it doesn’t. Here was this dancer before me, absolutely beautiful and slaying every single move in every dance she did. You wouldn’t even notice that her stomach wasn’t just like everyone else’s unless it’s something you question in yourself and therefore notice in others. She was perfect.
I looked up at her, watched her danced, and saw that if I continue to work hard it is possible for me to be like that, too. I can work harder on my thighs, stick to the game plan I have. I know I don’t have to worry about my stomach if I’m doing everything I need to do. I know that strength is where I need to work now that my body isn’t rejecting things as much and finally starting to feel normal for the first time in years. And now I had proof that it’s possible to be these things I dream.
(Thanks, Alexia. You really changed a person just by being who you are. I appreciate that more than you could ever know. Keep doing what you’re doing and inspiring lives.)

I also couldn’t get over how well everyone showed emotion and commitment to their roles. Specifically Hailee. She owned each and every part she did with such intensity, I couldn’t comprehend it. She reminded me of my friend Brieanna, whom I met at Bible School and is now starting to break out in the music scene. She’s incredibly talented and has always been a fierce friend that I am grateful for. (Check out Brieanna Grace’s “Good Machine” on Bandcamp.) That same spark Brieanna has always had is in Hailee, too, and dooms them to do great things with their art. I love it so much.

When the show ended, Judy and I decided to beat the crowd and exit out the side door.
As we walked out, I realized we were in the exact place where we needed to be in hopes to meet them.
We lingered a few minutes and one of the workers there told us, “It’ll be about an hour before they can come out. If you want to wait, please do so past the prop boxes so we can get them loaded.” So we did just that.
(I also saw Ray, whom I saw last year and follow on instagram, and a girl who was with them last year whose name I couldn’t remember. It made me happy, almost like I was seeing old friends, even though they have no idea who I am. I have a mad respect for them.)

Judy was exhausted and said she was going to sleep the whole way home. We talked about school she waiting for her the next day and the test she had to look forward to in third period. Time seemed to pass by pretty quickly and we made friends with a few people next to us. I realized that this time there were way fewer people waiting than last year. They didn’t even set up the little cable things to keep us in line or anything.

The dancers would come out and take their stuff to the bus, then come back and see us. Nothing separating us; mingling like old friends.

First person we met was Jaja, who was one of my favorites when she auditioned last year but didn’t make it through.

 I was so glad she came back and auditioned, and especially that she did so well. Meeting her was something I never thought would really happen. I almost wished I would have met her after a few other people first because I was so awkward and had no idea what to say and so tongue tied and everything. But she was kind, and so wonderful. Judy was really excited to meet her since she also had red hair. The whole drive home she’d go back to her picture with Jaja and stare at it, beaming. To say she left inspired is an understatement. Meeting these dancers started to show Judy the commonalities she shared with them and the potential she has in herself. I am so grateful to them, more than I could say.

Next up, we got to meet Derek.

I was particularly taken by him during his solo that night. He had these balances unlike anything I have ever seen.

**There’s a picture but my thing is being stupid and not loading it? But his face is clear but the rest of him is blurry HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN.

Next we got to meet Megz.

Okay, first off, her jacket is perfect. And I told her this. She was team Street, and one of the only people who was actually older than me. I was really impressed with how well she did any style she was given, and how fluid she can make her body look down to her fingers. (That was my favorite.) She was also one of Judy’s favorite’s, so she was really excited to meet her.

JJ skipped passed us while we were with Megz to keep the momentum going, so next we got to meet Neptune.

 Man, he was so cool! So down to earth and extremely friendly. Not to mention, his dancing was so sick. Like, my mind was blown. He was so kind and really loved Judy. A lot of the dancers did, which was so great. It really meant so much to her, which makes my heart burst with good things.

Next we got to meet Edson.

He had quite the cheering section the row in front of us during the show, and honestly I can see why. His skill level was incredible. He had a really warm personality and was very kind. I think the cheering section girls were there and had just met him. I can see why they were fans!

Next we got to meet Moises.

He was one of the alternates that was able to come, which is pretty cool. I love that they do that. I made him draw himself as he signed my program, and when he did he said, “This is my leg, and this is my foot. Look at how pointed my toes are! This is my favorite move.” It was hilarious. He was really nice and had gotten to do a solo which was really great.

After that, I saw JJ and she wasn’t with any of the other people. It looked like she was looking around to see if there were any more people, so I shouted, “JJ! Wait! Don’t leave us!” She laughed and smiled and came right over to meet Judy and I.

She talked with us about dance and Judy complimented her and talked about dance. She asked, “So you are team stage then?” We said yes, and she had complimented Judy’s dress, which had stripes, and so did her sweater so she said, “We can be team stripes!” She was so incredibly kind. And her sweater was insanely soft. It was crazy to think this was the same fierce team street dancer we had seen tearing up the stage not long before, seeing that she was as sweet as sugar! I love how she is the full package, all wrapped into one! I really enjoyed meeting her.

Next we got to meet Marissa, who was also an alternate.

I kept forgetting that the alternates were alternates. I mean, I had them all draw themselves, but I kept forgetting that they weren’t just like everyone else. They’re so insanely talented, and Marissa was no exception. She really blew my mind, and when I first saw her before consulting my program to figure out who she was, I couldn’t believe she wasn’t top 10. I can tell you, I’d hate to be one of the judges.
She was really friendly, asking how we liked the show and talking with us. I had her draw herself as well and she said, “Oh, I haven’t seen these yet! Can I look at it?” I said of course! And she looked through it. We got a picture and she said she wanted a copy of it. I told her I could tweet it to her, so she wrote her twitter handle by her picture in my program. I love how personable she is. I really felt like we were friends, and not just a fan meeting a dancer. That is a great skill to have, and I’m grateful to have met her. (When I tweeted her the picture the next day, she replied right away. Which I found really kind and also impressive that she was awake so early. hehe. 🙂 )

Next we meet Yorelis, who was another alternate.

Again, can’t believe they are alternates. How these judges decide is beyond me because all of these dancers were mind blowing.
Yorelis really stood out to me, partially because she has such amazing hair and I kept thinking of all the amazing pictures that could come of photo shoots, but mostly because of her insane amount of skill. She also drew herself on the program and we talked about dance. I told her I didn’t know how she does this every day. I mean, they must be so exhausted, we’re wiped out just after Nutcracker I can’t imagine this much intensity. She said, “It’s really not that bad! But I’m really grateful I get to do what I love every day.” And I said, “yes. Never stop doing that. Like, ever.” This really stuck with me, given my current work situation and the potential opportunities I have to (finally) leave there and do more of I love, which is hinging on the fact that what I love doesn’t bring enough income in to really justify quitting the place the sucks up all my times and damages my spirit. But this makes me want to press on. To fight to do what I love and endure until it’s what I can do full on. That I’m not being foolish to prioritize what makes my soul come alive over what society tells me I need. And I’m really fortunate to have the opportunities I have been given to get income doing what I live, even if it’s minimal. Every bit helps.

Next up came Jim, which Judy and I were internally freaking out over.

Judy and I do ballet, so obviously we would be excited about the dancer from Houston Ballet. (duh.)
He was so kind. I told him about Ms. Munro and how she used to be affiliated with Houston Ballet back in the day. (Ballet Mistress. I had to ask yesterday, hahaha) Judy told him he should totally be our Sugar Plum Cavalier since we only have a handful of guys, and we told him about Michael Levine that comes and dances with us. (Corpus Christi Ballet, if anyone is wondering.) We talked ballet and Nutcracker and dance and it was really cool. He was so nice and made us feel like we were just visiting with a friend, not meeting this dancer that has become a legend in the ballet world lately. We got pictures with him and when it came time for him to continue on he said, “I hope to see you again soon!” (Of course I told Ms. Munro about it all and dropped hints that we should totally have him in.)

Next we met Gaby.

She is the Season 12 winner, and sweet as can be. I just started taking Tap this season when Mrs. Julie asked me to take her level III since a few of the older kids were taking tap for the first time and she didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable being the only older ones. “You’re good with patterns, you’ll pick it up just fine!” It’s been fun so far, I’m really grateful to get to learn. Seeing Gaby, especially in her solo, absolutely blew my mind. I literally cannot find words to express how intricate and precise her tapping is. On top of being insanely talented, she’s also good at keeping it interesting. Some people can find tap sort of flat, which I think is ridiculous, but she makes it something anyone can enjoy, even if they don’t realize how difficult what she is doing really is. She talked with Judy about dance and asked her what her favorite styles were. (Judy was pumped to meet her. One of her favorites all season.) She really encouraged her to keep with it keep doing her best.
This is what it’s about, ya know? These dancers inspiring the up-and-comings just by being who they are. A person’s positive influence is invaluable, and I am so grateful to these for being that for Judy. I believe she is really at a pivotal moment in her dancing where she’s about to make a huge breakthrough and show everyone what she is really capable of. The other girls in her class better watch out, because she’s coming for them! I’m also grateful for the inspiration these dancers are for me. More on that at the end.
In my picture with Gaby, Virgil photobombed, which is hilarious.

Next we got to meet Virgil and Alexia at the same time.

Virgil signed the program and Alexia drew herself wonderfully as she signed. (#meyeronfire) They were really fun and really nice. We talked with them and laughed and really enjoyed ourselves. (I wrote about Alexia above. She’s great. Supah fab. And from Utah, but we claim her here in Texas for sure. But Utah is close to Idaho and that’s where Emilee [my name twin] lives so we like it there to. I haven’t been to Utah yet, but it’s on my list.) Alexia seems like a really well rounded dancer. I’m hoping to get to go back and watch this season and see the full picture of how they got here from where they began with their SYTYCD story. Virgil was pretty great as well. Really funny. He was impressive to watch and thrived with anything given to him. He was another one of the really expressive ones that just seemed to stand out.

Lastly, (but we didn’t know it was lastly) we met Hailee.

She was Judy’s absolute favorite. When she walked up to us, I told her this, and she was so excited. She signed our programs and we got pictures with her and we talked with her like old friends. I told her how she was one of the most emotive dancers I have ever seen and how much I appreciate it. She thanked me and we got to talking about dance and all sorts of things. I asked about her knee, since she danced with a brace on. She said, “Funny story!” and showed us the epic floor burn on her knee. “It bleeds like a gun shot wound!” so they wrap it and then put the brace over it to help protect her knee from bleeding all over the place when she dances. She told us that the first night on the bus was a rough adjustment, but she had Netflix so it made it easier. I told her to look up documentaries to fall asleep to and she said she looked up one on dangerous animals in Australia, but it ended up keeping her awake because it was so interesting (and slightly disturbing!) She said she’ll be there in the morning with fun facts about the animals she learns about and that the scariest was this super venomous snake and how much she hates spiders. (same, though.) She really seemed to be such a genuine person (And reminded me of my friend Brieanna, which I wrote about earlier if you skipped all that) and was so warm and friendly. I love when I can leave things like with with a greater respect for the dancers after meeting them than when I arrived. This was definitely true for Hailee, and for all the dancers. Before she left us, she gave us another hug. This really resonated with Judy (and me, too.) Like. How cool is this? Here we are, dancers connecting with other dancers. This time it just happens to be that we are meeting these dancers that are known nationwide and have talent oozing from every part of them.

Everyone was so incredibly kind and friendly. Last year was great and all, but this year really blew me out of the water. They all took time with each of us and really connected with us. I really appreciate it, more than I think I could ever express.
For me, being someone who started dancing well after I could ever be considered for a career, seeing people like this from so many different styles of dance–it stays in my heart; in my soul. I see them, and think, “okay, if I can just work harder, I know I can attain this.” And it came at a good time, seeing that I had just heard back from my doctor and we think we’ve finally figured out what has been making me so sick all these years. Now I have these shining examples in front of me of what is possible if I work hard and I know I can push myself harder and really work for it without having to be afraid of what is going on internally. For the first time in almost 13 years, I can push myself and really work for what I want. Without fear.
Now to just get everything figured out with my back and knee. Hah. But it’s going better! So that’s good.

The world is small, and it’s full of people. We’re all connected in the fact that we’re all human, walking different walks in life, yet all sharing similarities if we take the time to look for them.
I’m blown away and so grateful for the serendipitous moments like these that connect people to people and give the opportunity for inspiration. They’re changing lives, doing what they’re doing. Art is such a deeply personal thing, whatever the medium, and dance is a universal language. Once you decide to be a dancer, you become part of a vast family. We’re connected in ways that are hard to explain unless you’re part of it. I’m grateful to have met these talented members of that family, and so excited for social media to be able to follow along with where they each go next.
I’m rooting for y’all!

Judy was so excited, we talked the whole way home.
She was so taken with how good the picture of she and Jaja came out. She was thrilled to know there was a dancer who had red hair like her. Representation is important. You as a person represent all the similarities you hold with seeming strangers. You can never be everything to everyone, but you never know what you mean to someone. Be you. Be you fiercely. Represent what you are. The world is better for it.

So You Think You Can Dance.

Growing up, we were never the kids that got to go to the concerts or big events that we saw on TV, heard on the radio, and our friends were going to. Back then, nothing came south of Houston, and that was just too much for us to try to do. I never really regretted it or anything, but I kinda wrote off in my head that things like that were impossible.
Well, last night the impossible happened.
If you know me, you know I’m mildly obsessed with So You Think You Can Dance. I’ve always like it, but this season in particular was one that I followed closely; making notes throughout auditions on who I thought would go far, claiming favorites early on, watching those favorites make it into the top 4, and my other favorites past the top 10. I wanted so badly to go to the US Tour the top 10 does, but the Houston show was the same day as Bailando, and I knew I couldn’t miss that. They had a show in San Antonio, but it was on a Monday. It didn’t seem feasible to go and drive back the same night so I could make it to work on Tuesday, especially since I am notorious for falling asleep with my eyes open. Yeah, that’s not a good mix for driving.
I had a viewing party with two of my dance friends for the two-part finale. (Mainly because Directv doesn’t get Fox, and I really wanted to see this live, so, I mean, Andie wasn’t sad.) The first Wednesday night, another dance friend was texting me over how amazing the dances were. She told me that they were going to see the tour in San Antonio and how excited she was about it. At first I was overwhelmed with jealousy. This was something I wanted so much I couldn’t explain it. There’s something about dance that touches parts of the soul nothing else can touch. It connects people in ways like nothing else. This season was so special to me, and I really wanted to see it full through, I wanted to see it live. I half-jokingly told Natalia she should tell her mom to take me with them, to which she responded, “I can ask her!”
And she did.
And her mom was totally okay with it.
So I asked where her tickets were, and looked up one in the same vicinity. The app automatically picked the best seat unless you told it otherwise, so I just went with it. I was shaking at the fact that this was happening and couldn’t form thought process to try and think through anything, but I mean it would tell me, right? So I bought the ticket, freaked out, and just hoped this wouldn’t blow up in my face like most things do. All too often I’ll get my hopes up for something, just to have it shot down by one thing or another; but this, this looked hopeful. When I got home, I opened up my laptop and looked up the seating of the Majestic Theater to see where my seats were.
Turns out OR RGT C10 meant the freakin’ second row on the right side.
The second row.
Second row!
There’s no way!
Surely, there will be a boom camera or something blocking my view. There’s no way it was this easy. Maybe a pillar or something. There has to be some reason this ticket was there. After all, it was the only non-VIP seat in the row.
For being one all about documenting the journey, I sure have a way about keeping silent about how I really feel up until it happens and I know it’s sure. Thoughts to ponder there…
So anyway, Natalia and I are counting down the days, and when Monday finally arrives I’m nervous-excited at work all day. I met her at her house at 4:45 and we headed off for San Antonio.
Natalia and I are at different studios, now that Instep has closed, so it was really good to get to have the drive to spend time with her. Man, I miss my dance friends so much!

We get to San Antonio, and the Majestic is downtown leading us to have to wind our way around one way streets to try and find a parking garage that isn’t full. In doing so, we drive past a bunch of buses and semi-trucks. As we wait for traffic to move, we see Rudy among a bunch of Tech people.

(Total Creeper Shots)

Natalia is beside herself, but we refrain from jumping out and instead just go to find parking and head inside. We bought shirts and programs and just stood in awe of how beautiful this venue is. We tried to soak in every moment of this entire night, and let me tell you, there was so much to soak in.

(We are excited)

The little sounders to let you know the show is about to begin start tinkling so we make our way to our seats. When I asked the usher where to go, he told me, “Down this Aisle, look for row C on the right.”
So I did.
And as I got halfway down I realized I was just at row Q, and row C is like, way farther.
So I looked up.
No boom camera.
No pillar.
The only thing “in my way” was a lone cable from the stage that didn’t matter 99.8% of the time.
How is this really happening?
I get to my row, and the rest of the seats are filled with two excited little girls and their Grandmother, with a seat open for their Mother as well. We greeted like old friends, and the oldest proudly told me, “I’m gonna be on So You Think You Can Dance when I turn eighteen!”
“Well that’s amazing! What’s your name, so I know to look for you?”
“Maddie Wartsbaugh”
“Alright Maddie, I’m gonna be rooting for you the whole time! How many years do I have to wait until it’s your turn?”
“Eight, no…Seven years!”
“I’m looking forward to it!”
The younger sister piped up that she would also audition when she turned 18 and we all high-fived. The Grandmother told me that watching the show had become their girls night, and that they were surprised to see that tickets were still available when they bought theirs. By this time, the Mother had returned, and they said they thought they had balcony seats! We were all on cloud 9 the whole show. I couldn’t have asked for better seat mates!

(Maddie is in the pink)

I felt like I was watching dear friends up on that stage. From where I was sitting, you could see them in the wings before the show. They were so excited, and tired, and pumped, and just happy to be living life this way. 
From start to finish, I was blown away.
I don’t think I said much more than, “Wow!” the entire night. (honorable mentions were, “I love this one!” “How are they even real?” “What is life?” and “OH MY GOSH HER FEET.”)

I also found it mildly amusing that my seat was right below the point they spotted their corner. There were even times when the lights were dim that one of the dancer’s eyes met mine, and you know it wasn’t just them staring into the void. Their face changed for a second at the realization that there were real people out there and we all felt something together and this is what dance is all about.

When the show ended, my new friends and I were talking about how great it was. I mean, anyone can say a show is great, but this one literally took everyone’s breath away. 
“I feel like they took us to another level. This was other worldly.”
I agree, Grandmother. I agree.

And that’s what I love about dance. 
It makes you as a dancer feel alive, which in turn makes the audience feel like there is something more to this life. 

There were moments where I would look at the audience, and see what their reaction was. All the faces lit by the glow of the stage lights, captivated by what was before them; art at its finest.
I could hear the dancers breathe from where I sat, which is the sign of a good dancer. To lose yourself in it so much that the timing of your breath matches the movement not only helps you as you dance, but just emotes so much more and takes your dancing to another level. (Zach and Emilio were really good about this. Some of the girls, too.)
I loved that I was close enough to see the humanity of the dancers; the hair pins flying out during their pirouette’s, the glitter shaking off Tanisha’s silver sparkle costume, their freckles, bruises from countless rehearsals and performances, even cellulite. Now, granted, not on everyone. But, honestly, seeing that a top 10 dancer on my favorite dance show ever had cellulite too, and was built like I was, but was still regarded as beautiful and sexy and talented; it did so much for my confidence.
I try to remind myself of how I feel when I would see someone at a recital or in a picture or whatever that was shaped more like me; how it made me feel empowered. And how instead of beating myself up about how genetics shaped me, I wanted to try and face all the voices in my head with dynamics and try not to pick myself apart to much because there’s probably a little girl out there shaped the same way who feels “If she can do it, so can I.” And if there’s just one little girl that feels empowered, it’s more than worth it.

These are real people; normal people. They came from their normal lives, headed to an audition with a dream, and ended up here, doing what they love for thousands of people.
It’s amazing what can happen in a year.
And the fact that they’re real people just doing what they love is what makes me not only love them, but respect them. They are normal people, and they inspire other normal people. And this is what I hope to be like. And I had this worded perfectly in my head at 4:30 this morning as I fell asleep, so bare with me because I’m struggling to remember how it went now.
I know that they already saw 5 other cities worth of people, and that they have tons more ahead. I know that in the city I was attended, I was only one person out of a hundred. But for that moment, for that minute, they looked at me, they spoke to me, they cared about me. They made everything I felt this entire season of dances more real than I could have ever hoped. They connected with me, and I felt like I could do anything. That my point on this earth will be a good one, that I’ll accomplish everything I need to, that I can be that person to someone one day.
I’m going to change the world, I know I am.
And it’s not because I’m any better than anyone else; it’s because I’m not.
Real people need real people to show them it’s okay to be real.
I want to be that person.
And I may not have a huge platform for inspiring, but that’s okay. My life is a platform. And while it’s really nice to know thousands of people love you, it’ll be empty until you can appreciate when it’s just one person. If one person isn’t worth it, than who are you really? Why are you doing what you do? For what cause?
To me, it’s worth the one. It’s worth the people in my little world; because to them, it’s not so little.
And that’s what keeps me going. That’s what inspires me. That’s what makes life worth living.
This life is about people.

Oh yeah!  We totally happened upon the meet and greet by the fact that God loves us and was like, “here ya go!” hah.
We were walking to the parking garage and were trying to find stairs that weren’t congested. In doing so, we ended up on the side of the building we saw the buses.
And there was a group of people.
So we checked it out.
And this lady comes up behind us and says they always come out and talk to the fans that wait out there.
So we waited.

So, here is a recap of my sometimes awkward conversations with these amazing people I got to meet.

When they set up the barricade thing, they asked some of us to fill in the back. Most people were hesitant, but I jumped on it, since it was at the very end. This would either be a great idea, or a horrible one.
Turns out, the cast came out of the other door than where people started lining up.
Ya know, the door I was right next to.

(I swear I’m not a creeper.)

Rudy was the first to come out. I think I was so in shock that this was actually happening, I forgot to get a picture with him. But I did creeper-shot him. The girl next to me told him he smelled good, to which he mentioned they got to shower, to which I said, “Thank you for that.”
That’s right, I thanked him for showering.
Emilee Awkward at it’s finest.

They spread the cast out throughout the line, having some start at our end, and some at the opposite. all the while, the other members were ninjas in getting the the bus to drop off their stuff without being detected.

Next was Teddy, who was one of the ones who caught an obvious eye contact, as he smiled for my camera, which was the only one visible in our section at that time.
He wasn’t top 10, so I asked him to draw himself on the front.
“I’m doing a body roll, because it’s my favorite dance move.”


Then Zack came by.
At this point, it’s starting to sink in. He was one of my favorites from auditions, so I was slightly freaking out at the fact he was in front of me. I know we spoke, but I don’t remember about what. He was really nice.

Next, Marquette came through, which from the beginning I swore I knew him from somewhere. So much so, that I actually googled him. Still haven’t figured out why he seems so familiar. When he was talking to the girls next to me (Who were FREAKING OUT, it was adorable) one of them said, “I’m under so much pressure!” to which Marquette and I both sang, “Under Pressure!” at the exact same time. It was quite the moment. We fist bumped. He also drew himself 🙂

Next was Ricky, who was rocking Harry Potter glasses and shorter than I expected. (Which is the sign of a good dancer, fun fact.) He came to me first and was insanely kind. Just happy to be there and hilarious. A friend I made in the line was really excited to meet him, so I don’t remember exactly what we said because I wanted to make sure he didn’t miss out on seeing him.

Tanisha was the first of the girls I got to meet. And let me tell you, she is a gem. I was blown away during the show by how well rounded she really is. They put her in many of the roles that were originally danced by Allstars during the show, and she slaughtered it!
She was rather concerned for the girls next to me that were freaking out. One of them was so in shock she could speak. When she apologized for crying, Tanisha said, “I cry all the time, crying is the most real emotion.” This is something that will stay with me. I told her how amazing it was to see her take on those allstar roles and how she rocked it out there and was like the unspoken force that just came in and blew everyone away. We talked about the drive to Missouri, and how I’m driving to Kansas tomorrow, and she was just so kind. The other half of my friends I made in line got a really hilarious picture of her, too. It was great. She was great. A quality individual, for sure. When she signed Anne’s (the girl who was freaking out) program, she made a comment of how Marquette always signs by her face. I said, “It’s Marqnisha!” Then was all, “wait, what?” And she kinda looked at me, like, “Wait, what?” And I said, “I dunno, I was trying to put your names together. Marqnisha, Tanquette? No, definitely Marqnisha.” She said, “Oh that’s great, I’m gonna pass that one along!”

This was when my camera died. And I was so sad. But my new friends came to the rescue, and Valerie was so patient with me.

Valerie was the one I most looked forward to seeing, since she was my favorite from the beginning, and just so real. That’s what struck me about her. Real people are the best people. Before she got to me, everyone else was freaking out and she would say, “Guys, I’m normal! I’m just a normal person!” and when she got to me, I told her, “I think that’s what makes you so great, you’re a normal person. Thank you for that. Thank you for being who you are.” She was so kind, and hilarious, and sweet. I didn’t pass out or say anything embarrassing, so miracles happen, guys.

Next came Jessica, who I was also really excited to see and was the favorite of the 2nd half of my line buddies. She was also very genuine and kind and real. So refreshing. I told her I loved the songs she danced for her solos, and she told me, “You know what’s crazy is I didn’t even pick “All About That Bass.” I told her I loved that her songs were always encouraging songs, and that it really hit me when she danced to the Beyonce song, “I was here.” It really made a statement. She said, “Girl, I could dance to Beyonce all day!” To which I said, “Man, me too!” She was really warm and kind. Such a gem to meet.

I’ll be honest, I had a hard time telling the difference between Carly and Bridget. This happened all season and as soon as I thought I got it down, I’d mix em up. So I was probably most awkward with her. But man, she handles awkwardness like a champ. She was so kind, strikingly so. (Ps. It’s Bridget.)

Next was Casey. Literally, he came over to me and enveloped me in a giant hug. (The only one to do this. They hugged other people, but I tried to keep my cool and not be a fangirl HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA because I am. But he didn’t care. He wrapped his arms around me like we were old friends, and I just said, “How are you real?” He was really nice and funny and seriously, his face seems like it’s photoshopped. And his hair. How the heck is that real? I dunno. But he was really cool and kind and funny. (growing trend here? whatever.) It was great.

Okay, I was really excited about meeting Jacque, too. She is a ballerina so I automatically connected to her at auditions. I loved what Nigel had to say about her at auditions and his reverence for the art of ballet. (Not to mention, her solo was AMAZING.)  She also reminds me of my friend Rachael, who is the one who inspired me to dance and believed in me when I was too insecure to think it possible. She is seriously the sweetest person ever, and her faces on stage are dynamic. Her technique was spot on and her grace overflowed. Truly an inspiration to meet her. Insert fangirling here.

Last, but definitely not least, was Emily. (Ps. My duo line buddies waited for me to get the picture for me. And Emily almost missed us! But she was super kind and turned back around.) The first thing out of my mouth, “OH MY GOSH, YOUR FEET.” To which she responded, “Oh my gosh, thank you!” Which only dancers could have conversations like that. She was great. I told her how glad I was to hear she was coming on tour, because she was one of my favorites. I thanked her for taking her time out to meet us, to which she was all, “Oh of course!” and happy, ya know? It was so wonderful. I had her draw herself as well. She said, “Oh, I be Marquette started this, huh?” And I told her, “Actually, Teddy did! With his belly roll.” so then she was like, “Oh, it’s on.” And she drew herself with a sweet bun and earrings that looked like hair but we knew it was earrings. It was great.

The only people we didn’t get to meet were Carly and Emilio. Emily said that Carly wasn’t feeling well (which is amazing, because she danced impeccably well. But her ankle was wrapped, so I’m sure that was hurting her.) and Emilio was having dinner with his family. Because, ya know, he’s from Houston (:D) So that was okay.
All throughout the makeshift meet and greet, I would have moments of realization of “Oh my gosh, this is happening. Right now. It’s still happening.” And would freak out at “How the heck does this happen? This never happens to me. Ever.” And I was so grateful for the lady and her daughter who told us they always do the meet and greets if you know where to go and they take time out to meet everyone and take pictures. And I was even more grateful to Natalia’s mom for letting us stay, even though it meant getting back to Corpus at 3:07am.

Best night of my life. Seriously.
Words can’t describe what all that evening meant to me.
It felt so real. I felt so alive. It made me want to dance even more, and mad that my ankle is still messed up and I have work, but then happy that I’m alive and have the little life I do.
And I doubt any of them will remember me, (except maybe Tanisha. Ya know, Marqnisha.) But that’s okay. Because for that moment, they knew who I was. They may not have known my name, but they heard my stories and held conversation. Those are the moments that you know will stay with them as a whole, and stay with you. And that’s a beautiful thing.

I’m on cloud 9.

Edit: Upon re-reading this, I must apologize for the umpteen million typos laced throughout. I was clearly excited and wasn’t proof-reading. Oops.