Month: March 2024

Queen Rehearsals.

Today wasn’t my first rehearsal as Queen, but it was my longest and most intense rehearsal so far. I think I learned everything I do today? I’m assuming anyway.

Since I was in the studio the entire rehearsal day either on stage as the Queen or sitting watching the rest of the scene after I exit, I had a lot of time to soak in everything happening.

It’s fun to reflect back on last time we did Swan Lake in 2016, but it’s also fun to take in all the moments that make this run so special.

I’ve grown a lot in the last 8 years as a person. Age (and therapy) will do that to you, but even so it’s been really such a great experience for me overall and i’m extremely grateful.

Some fun little moments I want to remember:

• Channeling my inner Miranda Priestly a la Devil Wears Prada while being the Queen. It’s fun to get to portray a character in a light that maybe isn’t true to your own form, plus it’s just hilarious to give these girls the fakest grin and most judgmental face knowing that they’re the sweetest things and also that i’m actually sitting there watching them shine from the literal best seat in the house.

• Hearing the comments some of the girls will whisper to me when they come near the throne in Act III.

• Laughing with Sean, who had been kindly filling in as the Prince and also doing his own part as Baron Von Rothbart. Seeing how he holds himself differently depending on the role is so fun and make getting to do this even more enjoyable. I’m so glad Sean is still dancing. He was the Rat King the year I was Rat Queen and has always been so kind and encouraging throughout the years. Plus getting to watch him improve and grow has been a delight.

• Seeing the younger dancers watching and imitating the older dancers, remembering back when the older dancers were themselves the younger dancers. The cycle continues, and these kids are in good hands.

• One of the little ones I didn’t teach coming up to me and saying, “I saw you yesterday taking pictures in your Queen costume” and telling me she thought they were beautiful. I melted. She’ll never know what that meant to me.

• Getting to know the other adults in the production. It brings my heart such joy to be able to spend time with them and hear their stories and how dance came into their lives. One of them is wearing my Huntswoman costume from last time that I adore, and it looks so great on her. Such cherished friendships being made.

• Having the dancers not only accept a correction i’ll give them, but also see them apply it. It feels good to know they want to be their best and that they feel my opinion holds any sort of weight. What’s more is the surprise I had when one of the older dancers asked if I had any corrections for her. I truly didn’t because it looked so flawless to me I was just sitting back and enjoying watching her dance—I seriously could watch her all day, she is a true delight—but I did promise to watch more closely and see if there’s anything I could get nit-picky about.

Overall, this show has made me feel valued, appreciated, and loved. It’s been so nice to be around these dancers and get to be a part and have fun with them. No show is perfect, but overall I truly feel that this experience is a positive one on the whole and for that i’m grateful.

We had our program pictures yesterday and, i’ll be honest, I was nervous. As much as I try to be, i’m still not where i’d like to be in regards to confidence since I gained weight waiting for surgery a couple years ago. It takes a fun little spiral since I can’t do much to control any of that given all my health issues, especially the fatigue, and I have just resigned to rarely look in the mirror to keep my mind from being unkind to me. The consequence is I forget that i’m in a bigger body now and it becomes a bit of a shock when I see pictures and am reminded. It’s not bad, not at all, i’m just adjusting and having to work through some mental blocks because of it. Growing up in the late 90s, early aughts, was quite a difficult time and many of the things drilled into my brain like to echo even one my most resilient of days.

Thankfully, Mrs Alex is a wizard with a camera and when she showed me the shots we got I didn’t recoil. I was actually quite pleased with them, even in seeing all the differences I have now from 3 years ago. It helped, which I truly wasn’t expecting. I expected to go into it with a blank mind and a numb outlook and likely disassociate through the whole thing to preserve my mental state, but I came out of it feeling content. Even so, it made me—maybe not hopeful, but perhaps a smidge less negative or fearful of the reality i’m facing in doing this. I don’t think i’ll be able to handle watching the recording for a while and i’m hoping that I don’t recoil at show pictures, but that’s something I can work on in the lead up as well. (Bless my therapist, yall.)

That being said, the fatigue is real and i’m feelin’ it. it’s so frustrating and honestly upsetting to be so exhausted over so little by comparison to what I used to be able to tolerate. I try not to be too hard on myself over something I can’t control, but some days are better than others.

Still, i’ll hold on to the beautiful moments, from which I have plenty to choose, and keep my heart open for the future moments that undoubtably lie ahead.

What a privilege.

I’m just so happy yall.

If you know me, you know i’m prone to reflection.

If you’ve been here a while (or just found me recently and have found yourself down a rabbit hole), you’ll know about my experiences with Swan Lake the last time the Corpus Christi Ballet performed it back in 2016.

Eight years ago, I was in a much different place in life. It was my first tax season at my new job for a CPA office after having been fired from my last job (long story), I was newly sans gallbladder but didn’t know about the medication to help all the post surgery complications, and I was in my second season with my new studio and company after my first ballet studio closed down and in the middle of my fourth year of ballet, still trying to find where I fit.

It seemed as soon as I felt I may have figured it out, a wrench was thrown at me; I finally get the boldness to sign up for ballet classes and I get injured in a car wreck and have to miss the rest of the month of classes. I finally am able to take classes and start to feel comfortable at the studio and it closes. I find a new studio and start to get comfortable and then get too sick to dance.

Swan Lake was the show that marks a pivotal moment in my life. The mix of the stress of my first tax season (with no formal training) with the intensity of the ballet while also hardly being able to eat because of post surgery issues made a perfect cocktail of stress in my body. I woke up the day after shows unable to get out of bed. I took the first sick day i’ve ever taken in my adult life and have not been the same since.

The memories of that show are mixed, but isn’t that how life goes? Perfection doesn’t exist. Life hands us the cards it does and we’re left to play the cards we’re dealt. It’s up to us if we decide to let the negative parts determine everything, or if we choose to see the positives and make the most of it all.

Last go around, I was cast as a swan cover. I was disappointed as I so desperately wanted to be cast with my friends and be such an iconic role—an opportunity I never expected in the first place. I wanted to prove to them and to myself that I was good enough to dance in the corps de ballet. I fell short, but I worked hard and showed up and made the most of it. The five of us covers banded together to still enjoy ourselves, calling ourselves the Ugly Ducklings in jest, learning the parts all the different ways just in case. Three out of the five of us ended up going in the week of shows as injuries happened. It was extremely rewarding to work so hard not knowing if we’d get to perform it, and be able to blend seamlessly when the opportunity arose.

Emilee then never could have guessed life would turn out how it did. Emilee then was terrified of what her body was doing to her and the things she felt she couldn’t control. Ballet was the one thing in the world she desperately wanted, and she was trying to find where she fit in a world where adult ballet dancers weren’t really a thing. We were blazing trails 💁🏼‍♀️. Hah. But seriously, trying to find where I belonged where I was dancing with 14 year olds, but the same age as the principal dancers was a weird dynamic to navigate.

I couldn’t have landed in a better place. i’ve never once not been welcomed or made to feel like I wasn’t wanted. The girls befriended me, the principal dancers took me in, I made friends.

By the next year my world had come crashing down as my body started betraying me slowly but surely, leading to me having to quit; dance, my job, everything.

Eight years ago me never could have guessed life would take the turns it did.

Eight years ago me would be thrilled.

Now, I work for the Company that took me in. I’m surrounded by dancers of whom many have become my chosen family. Now, i’m not only in Swan Lake again, but i’m cast as the Queen. The principal dancers are still my friends and somehow the corpse de ballet dancers still think i’m cool and laugh at my jokes (thanks for that, Brooke 😉). I go to the studio happy as a clam. The fact I even still get to go to the studio is a gift I hope I never take for granted; sweet former students running into my office as soon as they come in the door to wrap their arms around my neck and hug me so tight. I hear about their lives, am asked to watch them and give corrections, get to pour into their lives and fill my heart lighten in the process.

I look back over all the years of uncertainty, when I had no idea where I belonged, when I was looking at the expiration date of the one thing i’d always wanted and never wanted to give up, and i’m just so grateful. I feel like these posts have become much the same, but i’m just so happy to know that all the difficulties, all the nights of uncertainty, all the fear was short lived. That the place I’ve ended up is back in the place where my soul feels most alive, surrounded by people who fill my life with joy.

The kids who were the tiny nuggets last time are the graduating seniors this time. One, Swan Lake in 2016 was her first spring show, and this time is her last before she goes off to college. Talk about full circle!

I’m so proud to see how they’ve grown, so honored to be a part of it, and just so happy for where my life has taken me.

Back in 2011 when I made the decision to follow this silly little dream i’d always held, people made fun of me. They criticized me, told me I was wasting my time and money, that nothing would come of it, that I needed to stop dancing and start thinking seriously about my future.

Joke’s on them.

My first Queen rehearsal is tomorrow. I’m so dang excited for how fun this is going to be.