Month: April 2024

Had you asked me on Wednesday if I was excited about Swan Lake, I would have said no.

I would have been thinking how i’m rethinking if I should have agreed to be a part at all, if I should have told my family to come, uncertain if I would regret any and everything that doesn’t involve behind the scenes stuff.

I love being on stage, I love being part of productions, I miss all of this so much. But with Swan Lake, there was so much riding on it. We did this show 8 years ago—I was a swan cover, an “ugly duckling” as we called ourselves—and I had high hopes of making this show the redemption arc I never expected.

Here we are, Swan Lake 2024 officially behind us, i’m laying in my bed with my feet up and I can officially said, it was everything I dared to hope it could be.

I definitely didn’t feel confident going into theater week. I still was so unsure of what I was doing, which made me anxious. I had yet to do it correctly and knew the Prince would be here and he probably would be relying on me for guidance on the acting bits. How could I teach him something I didn’t know myself?

Plus, there was a smidge of anxiety for a few things office-wise that I couldn’t predict in how they would go. Ads make me so nervous, but thankfully I haven’t heard of any being incorrect or missing. (I haven’t checked the emails, but still.) i’m hoping each show that goes well, the anxiety will lessen a little and i’ll feel more confident than afraid.

We rehearsed Thursday for the school show, which is a shortened version—Acts 3 & 4. Act 3 was the one I was most nervous about coming out of studio rehearsals since I couldn’t seem to get the faint correct. Thankfully, having The Prince there seemed to do the trick. I messed up one bit, but we were able to figure it out and once I fixed it, the school show went off without a hitch. Friday I was daring to start to feel a smidge of confidence. After the school show, I went out to find a school that had a backstage tour and got caught by a bunch of kids filing out of the auditorium. I guess i’m so used to being a party mom where the kids hardly register you even existed on stage, so when they all were absolutely enamored by my presence, my cold dead heart started to melt. they all wanted hugs, high fives, and pictures. They told me I did great, told me my costume was pretty, that I looked beautiful. I allowed myself to listen to and accept these compliments instead of listening to the doubt that’s been plaguing my thoughts for weeks. (my therapist would be proud. shout out, Dr Barnes!) Kids are honest—they wouldn’t say those words, have those reactions, if they didn’t mean it. I chose to believe them and dare to hope.

Saturday I was nervous because my family was coming. my parents have never seen me as party mom, i’ve never asked them to come, but I asked them for this since it was a substantial acting part. I wanted to do it justice, but I was still nervous I would forget something or mess up the timing. I kept a cheat sheet on me that had notes for both of the acts I was in so I could reference before I went on stage.

By today, the reference sheet was more a superstition than a necessity. John (the prince) and I had it down and both felt confident, and I was able to visualize everything I was supposed to do in my head without referencing the cheat sheet. Because of that, I was able to really get into it and allow myself to be confident in what I was doing. As the rehearsals carried on, I recognized the corrections I was getting sounded like they were due to a lack of confidence. I see it in dancers I work with—they have the skills, and what they do is good enough, but if they could just have that bit of confidence in themselves and their training, it would take it to the next level. I decided to take my own advice.

My brain is still a bit mush, so all of this is way out of order, but i’m going to reference some of the little moments I want to remember; the little things that really stuck with me and helped make this whole show and experience one worth remembering.

First off, on Saturday I was talking with Mrs Alex and Ms Munro about some semi-serious issue we were trying to resolve. As I went to text the person who was being the voice box for us with it, I noticed a text from my friend Kelly. it said, “SOGNED CDS LIMIT 1 PER”.

Mid conversation, I instantly went to Taylor Swift’s website and clicked the merch store. Kelly, as well as another friend (also named Kelly), was keeping an eye out for signed stuff and offered to get me one since she knew my weekend would be extremely busy. the fact she text me, and I happened to see it right away, wasn’t on stage, wasn’t consoling a dancer or doing something business-y that couldn’t be interrupted was a stroke of luck. I got it in my cart, fought the captcha, and managed to secure the signed cd. Ms Munro asked if I sent the text and I said, “one second, taylor swift is releasing signed cds” and they just said, “okay!” and waited. I love where I work, lemme tell ya. I got the goods, text the person I needed to text, and all was right in the world.

Also, that morning I managed to get my fake eyelashes on perfectly first try. this never happens! it felt like a good omen of sorts. Follow that up with scoring the signed stuff—I was really starting to feel good.

Saturday’s rehearsal went well and seemed to iron out all the wrinkles in everything. I didn’t give the flowers too early, we filled all of our time well, everything seemed to be falling into place. Mix that with the high I was riding from school show when I went off stage after act 3 and Ms Munro said, “that was great!” I about fainted for real. Aloria heard it, so I know it wasn’t a figment of my imagination, and I told her to put it on my tombstone. Also, I found it super stinking cute that when Ms Munro gave me a correction at rehearsals, she wouldn’t call out my role, she’d say, “Queenie”. I would love for this to stick.

Throughout all of this, the sweet Villagers really made it for me. There’s about 60 of them in total, ranging in age from 8-14 years old. I absolutely loved that they would come up to me backstage, curtsy, and say something like, “your majesty” while giggling. It absolutely made me feel way more at ease about it all having them all there, believing in me and cheering me on. Kids whose names i’m not even sure of (and I try really hard to know all their names) would come up and hug me every time they saw me. It felt so good to have all of that. Plus, when I came on stage, it translated and made it super fun to interact with them all as I entered and exited stage. This is the next generation. This is the next group I get to watch grow up, and i’m excited for it.

Today’s show, especially, we were all backstage before curtain call taking pictures with each other. It was so sweet to see the girls getting pictures together, seeing the groups ebb and flow and people be included. It made me feel way cooler than I have any right to feel when they’d ask me to be in pictures with them. I’ve watched these girls grow up and am so proud of them; to have them want me in their memories too? I’m not worthy!

They’ve also been some of my biggest supporters, which has been so rewarding. Having them believe in me helped me to believe in myself, which is a gift.

This year was also a big year for graduating dancers. One of our biggest groups to date are either graduating or in college but not coming back for one (valid) reason or another. I tried not to think too much about it—denial, I guess—but at the end of the show today, it hit.

Some of these girls have been dancing in shows since my first one ten years ago. i’ve watched them grow up from tiny little villagers themselves, now to soloists, constant figures in my memories. Some of them were my party girls, some were my assistants when I taught classes, even. Most of my dance memories include them to some degree. It’s an odd thing, having come into dance as an adult and realizing something that I knew was true but hits different this year—this is these dancer’s childhoods. I’ve been here, a spectator, watching them learn and grow and become such wonderful people—what a privilege! It’s not the first group of girls i’ve danced with that have graduated, but it feels different now. These aren’t just my “peers”, kids I dance alongside. These kids feel like my nieces, like family, constants, and now they’re all going off in different directions to figure out who they are and what life has to offer them. To say i’m proud of them truly is an understatement. They have been delights to have every week, and seeing how much they’ve grown as people as well as dancers…it’s been my honor. (and yall better come see me when you’re in town or else i’ll riot. and i’m the queen. so like. what I say goes.)

(but for real, I love yall to bits and am so proud of each of you.)

My favorite part of being the Queen was getting to sit on the throne the entire act 3. I swear, i’m spoiled now; having the best seat in the house at the front of the stage, watching my friends dance so well, making eye contact, whispering encouraging words when I could, getting to give my honest facial reactions because it’s part of being a character actor, making eye contact occasionally—I smiled so hard my cheeks hurt. I only wish I could have taken pictures while sitting there. The moments I got to witness are precious to me. So many triumphs.

While sitting there, Von Rothbart would be next to me at times. we would make casual, in character conversation, the funniest of which is a joke none of us can remember. I made some off handed remark that made James laugh so hard, but he had to stay in character with a serious straight face, which of course made it funnier. We had such a good time, Sean and I joking about “trade relations” or whatever other jokes we could make throughout. it was so much fun.

I also appreciated John Mingle, our prince. He is such a professional which made everything go so smoothly this weekend. People would compliment me on my acting, but honestly I was able to do what did because he gave me so much to work with. It was easy for me to pretend my son was going through everything the prince goes through when he’s showing me the pain in his face as Odile betrays him. This goes for so many of the dancers as well. Both of our Odile’s are great actresses, which made interacting with them come easy. Mix that in with the Court Ladies and all the dancers from the different countries acting and reacting—it made my job easier, and more fun!

I was super grateful to be in a dressing room with some of my favorite people. One of them I knew before Swan Lake but the other two I met because of the show. it was so refreshing and encouraging to know that I would be around those lovely women who were kind, helpful, hilarious, and would check in on me to make sure I wasn’t overdoing anything. To know that room was a safe place no matter what happened this weekend was a gift. I could be my weird, morbid, exhausted, unfiltered self and it was just fine. I cherish them so deeply.

I was also so happy to see who came out to the show. Saturday, my sweet Alexis came and found me in the dressing room. I was so moved by this. so often you dance with these girls, spend so much time with them, then they go off to become their own adults and you never see them. sometimes they’ll come back to watch a show, but if so I rarely get to see them. When I do, it’s so incredibly special. The fact she sought me out specifically? I became a puddle. Alexis is a gem; i’m so proud of the person she is and love all the experiences we’ve gotten to have throughout dance. She was one of my first little ones to grow up and fly and i live in awe of her every day. My heart is so happy.

I also got to see Krystal, who was the Queen when we did Swan Lake in 2016. It was her shows that I watched the recordings of to figure out what the heck I was supposed to be doing. I was so grateful for them because she did such a great job it made it easy for me to try to copy and emulate. If anything, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it justice. When I saw her she told me how hard it was for her because she felt like she didn’t know what she was doing; that she was told that she was doing it wrong but no one could tell her how to do it right. I was so glad to hear this, because I felt the same, but when watching her she looked so regal I found myself wondering how in the world she managed to do it and if they gave her exact directions. She looked to confident. To know she felt everything I did in the lead up was so extremely helpful. i’m grateful.

I also got to see my family, former dancers Grace and Jasmine, Alexis and her mom, another mom i’m not supposed to admit because her daughter would be so mad she went without her, my sweet co worker Joanna, my quilting friends Robin, R2, and Bryan, as well as so many sweet dance friends and former students. it made me so happy.

i’m also so grateful to have Elizabeth and Chrisi. Elizabeth was Odette and Chrisi was Odile on Sunday and for school show. Last time we did Swan Lake, Elizabeth was a huge support for me in my disappointment with it all. I ended up going in as a swan when someone got hurt and was so thrilled that I got to dance a scene with Elizabeth. Now that I was the Queen, it was so rewarding having Elizabeth there to celebrate with me, knowing how much this full circle meant for me. I cherish her. I was also so thrilled because Chrisi came to us after I had to stop dancing, and I was so sad to not have had a scene with her properly. With this show, we had an entire act—and one that played to both of our strengths. We both had the same Theater Director, the legend Charlotte Brown, and for both of us to get to flex our acting chops in the same scene was so rewarding. I was so grateful to have this completion of dancing in scenes with my friends, an opportunity I may not have had otherwise.

What a wonderful experience to have, living this life. I never would have guessed 8 years ago that I would have the opportunity to be in Swan Lake again—I never expected to be in it the first time! and this show specifically since the day after the show ended in 2016 was the day I woke up and have never felt the same since. That show weekend was my last weekend as a “normal” human, as far as health goes. Two years later I was pricing wheelchairs, giving up teaching, figuring out how to give up this thing I loved, that i’d fought so hard for, that i’d struggled to find my place in. Now, here I am, working here, surrounded by ballet, completely immersed in it, finding such fulfillment in being a part of this world I so dearly love.

These kids will grow up, and more with come in as tiny little things, wearing the costumes they wore, learning the steps they knew, and i’ll get to watch them grow up, too. and getting to be a part of that is a privilege I hope to never take for granted.

had to add on these fantastic pictures Lola got on a digital camera. because, ya know, kids these days love the vintage feel of a digital camera. and now I feel 87.