Category: nutcracker 2015

Nutcracker Casting 2015

The day is upon us.
That fateful day when our Assistant Director walks in the door clutching the very thing dreams are made of.
It also happens to be the crusher of dreams.
For me, it’s just, “meh.”

(Okay, not meh but way less exciting than for the younger girls.)
(Or… so I thought.)

If you have been following along in my ballet story, you will know that there were certain roles that I was hoping for. These were goals I had set out to accomplish, hoping it would give me a leg up for Swan Lake, which is really what I want to accomplish.
I knew going into it that in the hierarchy that is Nutcracker, my next role in line would be Petit Fleur. After that, Lilac, and after that, Rose. Typically, if you’re a flower at all, you’re also snow. My goal was to pass up Petit Fleur–which is typically more posing than dancing–and go to Lilac. It was a stretch, but the summer felt promising and I was really improving. Ms. Munro has been watching me. I was allowed to take the VI’s class, which I wasn’t expecting but was very exciting.

The list goes up. I step to the back and let the girls see first. I hear squeals and everyone looks at Annika. She got Clara! We weren’t expecting that, since she’s so good, so I went forward to see who the Clara’s were. And it’s a fabulous group of them–really strong dancers that will impress this year. Annika, Lauren, Alyssa, and Maddison. I’m so beyond thrilled for these girls. I feel some of them may have felt they missed their shot last year when the age range for Clara’s went down so much, but this year it’s their time to shine, and shine they will.

I glanced at the Lilacs. I glanced at the Lilacs continued page.
My name wasn’t there.
I looked at Petit Fleur.
Bingo.

My heart sank a little bit.
I think I knew deep down I wouldn’t get to skip up, but it was given hope when in Oz I was doing the same roles as one of the girls that level above me, and doing them well, and then also when I was allowed into VI’s. Not to mention, everyone telling me I could totally do it. I was sad, but I tried not to show it. I stepped back and waited to look where everyone else ended up.
Emerson came back to me and said she was Petit Fleur and Snow. I was glad to know at least I’m with my girls again. They really make it fun. I asked if she saw my name for Snow, and she said she didn’t.
Wait, what? Usually when you’re one, you’re both? I asked one of the other girls from my class, and she was also both. Why am I not both? I can totally do both. What gives?
Whatever. I’ll look at the list when people file out a bit more. Maybe she just didn’t see it. It’s no big deal. I’ll have fun regardless.
At this point, I’m not like, freaking out or anything. I’m not upset or mad or whatever. Just kinda there.
I’m watching all the other girls find out their roles and watching their reactions, which is a welcomed distraction in my waiting.
Then Annika comes up to me and says, “Emilee! You’re Rat Queen!”
WHAT.
I just looked at her. I asked, “Are you sure?” and she said, “I mean, pretty sure!”

I find my way to the board and try to find where Rat Queen is listed.
Sure enough, there’s my name.
Sharing with Jessica, one of the best dancers in the studio.
(And also someone that has been really inspiring for me. Her work ethic is insane, and I’ve gotten to watch the results that come from it. It gives me the motivation to work hard, knowing it’ll happen for me too in time. I really appreciate having her in class.)
So then I’m freaking out.
That’s why I’m not Snow. I’m freakin’ Rat Queen!!
I remember last year hearing someone complain about being this role. (why do people always complain about the roles I am?) And I remember sitting in the seats and hearing her and thinking, “Give it to me, if you don’t want it. This role is awesome!”
It’s an absolute blast.
You have on the giant rat head, and get to be super sassy, and interact with the Rat King and Nutcracker and the other rats and rat princesses and mice and stuff.
Did I mention I get to be sassy?
I’m really excited to get to be sassy.

The more that this set in, the more I was really pleased with my casting.
Especially with what the doctor had told me earlier that day:
We got into discussion about my knees hurting. I told her the whole happenings with the chiropractor and my back and my legs being uneven and showed her the xrays and she asked me questions about it and I answered them. I told her how they told me 3 1/2 years ago that I had arthritis and sent me for physical therapy. She asked if they mentioned my leg being longer then, and I told her no.
She examines my knee. Asked if this and that hurt, which it didn’t. She poked here and there, and again no pain. She asked where the pain was, and I told her it shoots under the knee cap. It typically doesn’t hurt when it’s at rest, but with use and during class when I plie a lot. She looks at the right knee and pokes this one part. “You can see the right knee is swollen. See this? That’s fluid.”
Oh.
So it’s not arthritis, I have fluid on my knee.
She wants to get an MRI and look into it more. I’m glad she is so invested in me and interested in all of the issues instead of just surface or what I tell her. She investigates, and she cares that I get better.

So, no. I’m not Lilac. I’m not even Snow. But the roles I have will be really good for my knee (Even though Petit Fluer is a lot of kneeling) and will help, I think.
And that doesn’t mean that I’m out of the running for Swan Lake.
I’m also not guaranteed. And I think my knee will be a big deciding factor.
I asked Mrs. Alex if she thought it would be more the older girls or if I had a shot, and she said it’s very uncertain right now.
Time will tell.
Meanwhile, I’ll work my hardest, do my best, and take it as it comes. If it doesn’t happen, I just have to accept it. This can be difficult as my entire life seems to have been  a constant battle of barely missing the mark and having to be happy for my friends as I watch them enjoy what I can’t have–for whatever reason. There’s been times it’s been wrongful exclusion from politics. This isn’t that. But it’s still rough. I felt it last year, I feel it now, but it’s okay. Now I just take a moment I need to grieve the fact I missed the mark, then I pull myself up and get over it, working my hardest to be the best I can. I also try and make the most of the situation.
What people don’t realize is that I’m so inclusive because I’ve known exclusion my whole life. And the times someone included me was a game changer. People think I must have such a wonderful and perfect history since I’m so nice and kind or whatever, but really it’s the opposite. I’ve known great loss and pain and injustice, so I do the best I can to help others through it. I try to be what I wish I would have had.
There are times when it’s just a lesson the person needs to learn, and that’s fine. But when I can lessen the blow, I try my best to do so. I’m also human and imperfect and will still miss the mark, but I’ll give my best effort in what I know and take the lessons as chances to learn and grow.
(I’m not snow, so no snow secret santa for me. But I’m trying to scheme up ways I can still have fun and make someones day in secret. Hehehe)

TL;DR
I’m really excited to be with my girls in Petit Fluer, and really super excited about Rat Queen.
I told my parents, and they were really excited that I get to use my drama skills with this. Like, Dad legitimately sounded excited.
(I really want to prance around in the costume.)
(PLUS I get to hang out with the kids!)
(and this means I’ll be able to take pictures of snow again!)
(really I can’t lose, y’all.)

SPEAKING OF PICTURES

I stole this from Adrienne’s snapchat. She’s a Maid and we’re pumped about it!

(stolen again)

(and stolen from Annika)

(fun fact, at first I had an excited face when she came up to me with her phone, but she said, “Look dead.” so this came of it.)

(perfect.)

(annika again)

The girls waiting anxiously

It’s blurry but YO HOME GIRL IS RAT QUEEN

And look! they spell it correctly!

So yes.
And I’m really freakin’ excited for Annika. She’s Clara, then also Russian and Spanish on nights she’s not Clara. So it’s new roles for her and really exciting. Plus, I just feel so proud. Like, here’s my baby Shrub, and she’s mine. And we’re from the same studio, and we came here and newbs, and now look at her. And she’s Clara. Two years ago, Nutcracker wasn’t even a thought. And now she’s doing this and all these people are so happy for her and celebrating her and I know how incredibly happy this makes her and it makes me happy. Because she’s so talented and it’s being utilized and she just keeps rising and my heart can’t take all the love! I fear I may burst!

Happy days 🙂

OH!!!!!
And Abarrane is a Mirliton!!!
She wanted this role so badly, and she was feeling pretty crappy at auditions but still managed to rock it anyway. And she got the role and my heart absolutely burst when I heard/saw. I’m so proud of her. She’s worked so hard and proven herself and overcome insurmountable odds to do so. I really hope she’s in class today so I can hug her.

Nutcracker Auditions 2015

The day has come and gone where everyone in the studio breaks into three groups by level and does our best to execute whatever combinations our director throws at us.

Thank God.

My Saturday actually began at the ballet studio (not the company studio) substitute teaching three classes; a 6-7-8 ballet, a 4-5 ballet, and a 6-12 tap.
That’s right, tap.

The first ballet class was in the big studio. Half of the girls couldn’t care less to be there, and the other half seemed interested enough to try. I had no idea how to structure this class. So I asked the girls if they typically started at the barre. I gave them really simple stuff and just went with it.
(Also, before I had a grandma ask if she could stay inside and watch. Um. No. But I’ll crack the door so you can get pictures.) (sigh.)
The girls were really distracted. Worse than some of my tiny ones. I’m amazed at how some of these teachers can keep them in line, since I’ve always seemed to struggle.
We made it through class, that’s over.

Then the 4-5’s rocked my world.
They focused better than any class I’ve had (save the 9-12 ballet) and actually participated. So much that I ran out of things to do before our time was up. I winged it (wong it? whatever.) and managed. They started losing focus towards the end, but that was the least of my worries since they did so well in the beginning.
(Mind you, they were still a little distracted. Just, nothing like my other classes.)

The tap class only had 6 girls in it. One was in my rambunctious ballet class from that morning, and her sister was another.We started off with some warm ups, then we ran a few things from notes one of the teachers left. (I youtubed and made my own notes and then, ya know, forgot them.)
(It was a mess.)
(But, a successful mess.)

One of the girls flat out just lay on the carpet squares the whole time. Her sister joined her shortly after. They were only interested in the fun part.  Instead of insisting they joined, I just let them sit there, but no fun part if they didn’t participate. One of the older girls said she would rather work on things so that’s what we did. The three that cared got to learn new steps, and then do some of their favorite steps, and work on whatever they wanted to improve on. A fourth girl kinda went in and out on participating. When she did participate, she started showing improvement. She has potential, if she’ll work for it.
I was really proud of the three that participated. They learned new things and picked up on them really quickly. They improved on other things and really showed a lot of talent. Plus we had fun with it.
After class, the older sister who did nothing left class with the rest. I over heard a man’s voice who I think to be her Father say, “You need to apologize for wasting her time.” So she came in and apologized and I told her she was forgiven, but that next week she really needed to participate.
(Score one for Dad!)

I wasn’t feeling all that well to start off the morning, but I pushed through. By the time tap was over, I was getting pretty light headed. I went to get some lunch before auditions, but I was pretty hesitant. I knew I needed it to get through the hours of auditions, but I knew eating would make me sick. I ate anyway, hoping it would hit before they started.
It did. But then it didn’t.

I got there early, and was fine, until my stomach decided to digest at 2:57pm when auditions started at, ya know, 3pm.
It took everything in me to mind-over-matter enough to start that audition, my hope being that once we started I’d forget about it and push through.
(I did mention it to Elizabeth and told her if I looked pale to pull me.)
Barre went well. My stomach was angry, but I made it through. I did the grande plies and my knee was okay, I guess. I think I was too focused to notice too much.

When we moved to center, my stomach was forgotten about, but I was beginning to feel faint and fuzzy.
And of course I was in the first group. And of course Elizabeth was watching when I completely bombed the first thing we did.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Like. What else can I do? I’m sick and my knee is in pain and weak and I’m still auditioning. It’s rather comical in itself.

I did my best and did what I could. I’m a pretty terrible tester and therefore kinda suck at auditions as it is.
I have no idea what my face did. It could have been a perpetual “oops” or it could have looked like I was having the time of my life from laughing at myself.

We did these jete’s across the floor at one point. Four jetes. Arms in 3rd, arms in 5th, arms in 2nd, arms in 1st.
Apparently I switched 2nd and 1st, but I really don’t know arms so whatever. No one seemed to care. Everyone’s seemed different.
Now, I really suck at jete’s. I can’t get a good enough plie and my stomach sucks so whatever. But I did my best anyway. When we did them on the left side after a good firm scolding on how badly our arms sucked, I was off to a rough start (3rd person, ya know, after two claras from last year.) but I just went for it. At the end I heard Ms. Munro say, “Good arms!” and I finished off and was very pleased.
My jetes may suck, but I did what she asked, and I was the only one complimented.

So. That was nice.

We did parts from each dance, and I struggled with most. They know my knee is jacked up, though, so I did my best to do the combination anyway. I flubbed a few things, but oh well.
When it came to Russian, I sat out. Most of the work involved my bad knee and I know it’s not a role I’ll get anyway. I went up to Mrs. Alex and said, “Not because I don’t value the Nutcracker, but is it okay if I sit this one out? It’s on my bad knee.” She laughed and said of course and Emerson and I sat that one out. (She had sprained her right ankle pretty badly.)
Then the last thing they did was fouette turns which all of us had a choice in doing. I can’t do them on pointe, so I sat out.
Cheyanne, however, rocked them. I mean, everyone did well, but Cheyanne just blew it out of the water. I was so proud!

So, it’s over.
I’m pretty proud of how I did, even though it was rough. Just the fact that I could attempt this audition level was good for me. Last year there was no way I could. No way. The fact I’ve grown so much this year is enough for me.
They know how I dance, they know how I perform, they know what I’m capable of. They know I’m a hard worker and if I don’t know something I’ll figure it out. They know I’m reliable.
I’m not worried.

(But I’m so glad it’s over.)

At one point, when Ms. Munro showed us the Spanish variation, a swarm of girls all asked me different things at once. It was overwhelming, and I was uncertain myself. So I told them off, kinda. That this is an audition and they had to figure it out. Abarrane asked about an arm in one of the things, and it was something I knew the answer to and was simple, so I didn’t mind that. But man having everyone rely on me to the point I can’t take care of myself is too much.

It was an audition. It wasn’t a class. They’re watching everything you do. Act up and it could hurt you.

So yeah, it’s over, we should know in a week or two.
I’m not worried, but I’m also trying to not think about it. I did my best and I know they won’t give me something they don’t think I can handle. They’ll put me where they need me and I’m okay with that 100%.

Also, my audition number was 89, so Elizabeth and I decided that Taylor Swift was clearly my patronus that day.