Nutcracker season is upon us once again.
I don’t write as frequently as I did when I began this blog, but I do find there are certain moments or happenings that beg my fingers to dance across the keyboard and memorialize the moments happening before me. Last weekend was one of those times.
Our cast list came out a couple weeks ago at this point, and when anyone asked me who I thought would get the role of Clara, I gave noncommittal answers, partially because anything can happen, and partially because I had no clue. Sure, I had my personal hopes and assumptions, and maybe part of me didn’t want to jinx anything, but I truly felt they could take it so many different ways that it was impossible to guess what decision they would land on. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to come up with the cast list–it’s a job I definitely don’t envy.
When I saw the cast list, I was stunned into a shocked silence, which didn’t matter considering I was alone in my house watching Mary Tyler Moore therefore no one knowing the difference in my reaction. I was stunned in the best way, each of these girls having such a special place in my heart. So special that I’m dedicating this blog post solely to them.
First up, Lilly S.
Lilly was my party girl the second year I was a party mom. Back then, the loss of dancing was still pretty fresh, but I remember being so excited to have her and Lola as my “children” (Lola’s real dad being my party husband). They were so cute and tiny back then, but even in those early days they showed promise and talent. I taught Lilly’s little sister, who was five-turning-six at the time, and I even attended her birthday that year, her mom now being one of my closest friends.
I’ve had the immense privilege of watching Lilly grow up all these years between. I’ve stayed with her and her sister overnight when their parents go out of town, “stolen” her for different fun days out, and given her rides home. When I was still teaching, she and Lola were my assistants for a few years in a row, becoming vital parts of my ability to get through those times when my health was at its worst. Lilly (likely) would have been Clara two years ago, but unfortunately she suffered a mishap when she dislocated her kneecap during her school’s dance class mere days before auditions. It was a complete unexpected accident and it baffled all of us. I watched Lilly as she recovered, both physically and emotionally, and saw her cheer on her friend’s successes when I knew she must also be grieving her own loss. She was so impressive and admirable to witness her grit and determination, facing her fears in the comeback, and even jumping in to a role she hadn’t done in years when a Polichinelle got sick one weekend (and we have to have 8 Polichinelles!) She dedicated herself to her physical therapy, joining in on our spring show of Cinderella and setting her sights on the next year’s Nutcracker auditions. Surely, this would be her year, right?
As luck would have it, wrong. Lilly made it through auditions beautifully, full of pride and hope, only to have her kneecap dislocate the next day at a rehearsal for our dance festival we attend in the spring. Absolutely gutted, not to mention shocked, she found herself in this position again. Doctors told her she didn’t need surgery, but they got a second opinion–the last thing she wanted was for this to happen a third time. She bravely faced surgery, joined Nutcracker that year as a Maid again, and watched on as her friends fulfilled the dreams she so deeply also hoped to one day fulfill only to have two straight years of setback. When I say I hope to be half the person Lilly is, I mean it. She has such grit and determination and such a love for her friends. She never once complained or lamented her luck, she rolled with the punches and followed doctors orders and now finally this is her year. A redemption story for the books. She is opening night on Gala weekend of the 50th anniversary show and gets to perform a school show. That usually doesn’t happen, since Gala weekend is typically the second weekend of shows, but in a twist of fate, she gets all these wonderful experiences she wouldn’t have had if she had been Clara either of the two years before. I feel for Lilly its a true “absence makes the heart grow fonder” situation where she appreciates being able to bring this role to life in a way most people will never know.
Next, Jackie.
Jackie is my first former student to be cast as Clara. Where Lilly was my former party girl, she’s the second former party girl to be Clara. Jackie is the first former student–someone I will reference for the rest of my days when I speak of Nutcracker much like I do when I tell everyone that Brooke was the first party girl. She joins a rank of my personal story that only so many can reach. I first started teaching Jackie when I subbed her class on a Saturday when she was seven. I tried to go back and see if I blogged about that class since it was such a memorable one, but I wrote so much back then I kept getting distracted and it was difficult to sort through (It was the 2016-2017 dance year, and it would be a Saturday subbed class where she called me “Supergirl”, if you want to take a stab at it). Even back then, I could tell Jackie loved dance and had a decent enough amount of skill. The next dance year, the teacher who usually taught her class had moved and I requested to teach the class in hopes Jackie would enroll in it again. When the year started and she wasn’t on my role sheet, I was so sad. Did she quit dancing? Maybe she just moved to the weekday classes–that would be good for her since she shows promise, I can’t be mad if that’s what happened. I let it go. About a month later, in walks Jackie, After class her mom told me, “We wanted to be in your class but I realized I didn’t know your name, I only knew you as Supergirl! It took me all this time to figure out who you actually are!” I’ll never let Jackie live this one down! Since then, I’ve kept up with her, even after I stopped dancing. I’d find her at recital and backstage of Nutcracker when I could. She joined spring shows my first season back post-covid-shut-down-year, which was the season I almost didn’t come back for (thank you Catherine and Macey for convincing me) and I remember seeing her as the highest level villager and making everyone notice her feet, as if they could ignore how great they are. Last summer, Jackie asked to do private lessons with me, and we worked diligently. I wish I had documented where she was in the beginning versus the end because the difference is impressive. Whereas at the beginning she struggled doing a single pirouette en pointe, by the end she was doing fairly consistent doubles. She improved by leaps and bounds, her dedication evident, the type of student a teacher loves having. At one point last season, Jackie told me, “You’re like the Taylor Swift of CCB” and that is a compliment I will carry the rest of my life. An honor truly. She’s also told me that she doesn’t get nervous having Ms. Munro or Mrs. Alex watching her, but when I do she does, “because I know you’re watching me, not just watching everyone” and she’s right. When I sneak in to a rehearsal, I watch the kids I work with so I know what we need to address or correct next time. If the student is teachable, I give them corrections right then and there because I know they’ll take them and apply them and honestly, when they get older and watch the recordings, I don’t want them to see these simple things we can easily fix. I want them to look back and think, “Wow, I was really good!” That’s the goal. She’s never let me down so far! Jackie is one of those kids you know absolutely loves ballet, one you don’t have to remind to work at home because it’s evident that she does, one who comes the next lesson prepared so we’re able to build instead of revisiting things we’d previously fixed. I was hoping they’d pick her this year, my assumption being that they were watching her considering the specific corrections she had gotten last season. Having her chosen this year is so rewarding, knowing how hard she’s worked and how much it means to her. Truly deserved.
Next up, Lilli G.
Lilli is a nugget I first met when she was a party girl the year that was supposed to be my last year as party mom. She wasn’t my party girl, but she is one I remember. A cute little thing in the green dress, she’s in the picture I posted with my “last” blog post, looking up at me in the back of a little pack of girls on stage. I love that picture so much. When I started working in the office, she was one I got to know that first season. An absolute bundle of joy, I looked forward to her saying hi to me when she’d get there for rehearsals, her mom a dance mom I looked forward to seeing. Lilli is such an encourager, but also a kid who takes no crap–a beautiful balance. Last spring, after Cinderella, I asked her and her mom if I could work with Lilli in the summer. I could see she had so much potential but felt like she was just getting lost in the fold. I didn’t know if it would help, but I wanted to try. They enthusiastically agreed, and Lilly showed up diligently, eager to work each lesson. The first thing I noticed when we went through barre is she 100% knows what she’s doing. She has the ability, she has the knowledge, but there was some sort of disconnect when we got to center. We worked that summer on finding how to hold her positions and which muscles to use given her hyper mobility and finding the different ways to think about the steps we were doing in a way that leant to what we were trying to accomplish. She worked her butt off, and by the end of summer had shown so much improvement. We also talked through the emotional and mental side of dance, discussing strategies to set ourselves up for success in such a complex environment. I showed her some of the Clara phrases in hopes she’d feel more prepared going into auditions and would have a basis of confidence. Auditions came and went, and she didn’t feel good about it at all. She got her roles, took them gracefully, made the most of it. She enjoyed the year as much as she could while sorting through everything else that comes with disappointment. I stood on the sidelines, watching and correcting mainly because I knew she’d take it. And she did, she’d take it and improve and by the time show day came she looked fantastic. Gone were the days of standing out for quirks in technique and here she was, a proper corps de ballet dancer that blended in as you’re supposed to. No matter the outcome, I was proud of her. I knew she worked hard even when her heart was sad and she made the most of it all to (in my opinion) great success. This summer came and went, auditions happened, and Lilli goes in filled to the brim with confidence. She comes out smiling ear to ear, “I decided I wasn’t going to worry about it and was just gonna have fun!” and you could tell she truly did. Then, my dog died, and I mention that because it wrecked me in ways I never expected or could have prepared for. That first day I was able to drive by the ER vet, I arrived to my location to have a text from Lilli waiting for me. She had written a speech for class and sent me a picture of it. It was about her ballet story, how we worked together last summer, how difficult that season was, and how she decided to take what I had said to heart and went in to this years auditions with a clear mind and a heart full of confidence. I cried. It meant so much to me, and especially in that moment was something that really brought me to a place of grounding. There’s not much more rewarding as an instructor or teacher or mentor or what-have-you than seeing your student put in the work and succeed. Whatever “success” looks like to them, it is the joy of my life seeing their hard work pay off. They do that. They could just as easily take what I say and shove it in the bottom of the depths of their dance bag never to see the light of day again. They can drag their feet and be mad at the world when things don’t go their way. They can let it go in one ear and out the other. Or they can apply it, see what happens, put in the effort, and give it their best shot. Is it a guarantee that things will work in their favor? Not at all. There’s so much of life not in our control, we can only do what we can do. However, if we don’t do what we’re able, it’s a guarantee that it will never happen. Lilli was one I was really hoping would get the role, but I didn’t know if she would. I felt more confident with her confidence after auditions, but still you just never know. When I saw her name, that’s when I was stunned. I wouldn’t say “shocked” because I knew she was capable, but “stunned” because everything she worked so hard for, everything she’d hoped for actually finally happened. She did it. She showed up and showed them and they saw. For most of my life I have been someone who was overlooked, the memories of it still sting even all these years removed. I know much of it was simply school politics, but in a sense knowing I couldn’t control it made it more difficult. This felt redemptive. I knew she was in an environment that is fair. It’s unpredictable, but its fair, and that if she really worked hard she had a chance. Seeing her success is absolutely rewarding.
and finally, Khloe.
Khloe was new to me that first season back after I almost quit. She was cast as a party girl, even though she was one of the older girls (the gift of being shorter, I guess) that year, which was her first Nutcracker. Its easier for me to get to know the new girls if their party girls, and she seemed like such a sweetheart. Always attentive, polite, kind, she definitely made a good impression. She’s one of the quieter girls, but over the last few seasons I’ve gotten to be around her more and get to know her. I started noticing her dancing that spring show after her first Nutcracker, she being in the same group as Jackie. They were two of what I would consider the leaders, although I don’t know how things were officially. I just noticed that they were two who were confident and knew what they were doing and that other dancers looked to them when they were uncertain. I watched her the last two seasons I’ve been working at the studio, seeing her potential. That first season I was backstage for the studio’s recital and remember being absolutely blown away by her in this lyrical piece some of my girls were in. They said their goal was to make me cry, and they succeeded–one solitary tear. Khloe specifically showed so much emotion, making this dance her own, really conveying to the audience what they wanted to drive home. This last season, I watched her a little more closely. During Swan Lake, I got to sit on the throne as the Queen, giving me the best seat in the house for that Act. Khloe was Neapolitan and while the whole group did well, the timing at the end of the dance was something they struggled with. Not Khloe. She and the girl next to her, in my opinion, carried that dance. Her face absolutely beaming, her choreography confident. There was not a moment where she questioned what she was doing and it showed. Even in rehearsals, she retained the steps and was able to help others when they weren’t so sure. I knew Khloe was a good dancer, a great jumper. I knew she had potential, but this was when I really started watching her. As I said in the beginning, I had no clue how this years casting was going to go, but I was hoping Khloe was one they were watching and seeing as well and when I read her name I was so pleased to see it. She absolutely deserves this role and I have not a single doubt whatsoever that she will make everyone proud with her performance.
This past weekend, the Clara’s had their costume fittings. I got to be there for it and though it’s not the first time I’ve been there for a Clara costume fitting, this one was absolutely surreal. These girls I’ve essentially watched grow up, filled with hopes and dream, were now the ones getting to live it. The light in their eyes and the excitement emanating from their every being was a delight. Seeing the moms that were there tearing up was so precious, knowing what this means to them as well.
That evening, they did a rehearsal with just them. I know Jackie says I make her nervous and I didn’t peek in at auditions for that very reason, but now that she has the role I’m gonna watch, hah! All four of them did so well it blew my mind. I don’t know that I’ve watched the Clara rehearsal before to have anything to compare it to, but I was so happy with what I saw. Each of the girls took to the choreography like a fish to water. They all four get along so well and are helpful to each other, making sure each gets a turn in things they share and helping each other understand more complex bits. I popped in and watched a bit of Snow which impressed me on the whole, arguably looking the best this early on possibly of any of the years I’ve watched or been involved and the Clara’s were no exception.
Last year’s season was a difficult one for me personally, and I was a smidge anxious going in to this year not knowing if it would be much the same. So far, however, I’m having the time of my life, absolutely thrilled with how well all the girls are doing and enjoying seeing each of them step into their own and tackle their roles. I’m excited to be excited and hopeful about this year, letting myself dare to not be afraid of the things I can’t predict, reminding myself I’m surrounded by such wonderful people, and reveling in the fact such wonderful things are happening on an anniversary year.
I’m so excited to see what is to come throughout this season, and hopefully will be able to post a blog or two to have to look back on.
Another Night at the Barre 