As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the Grand Tier section, row AA (the best row) of Selena Auditorium watching rehearsal for our current show, Dracula. A good chunk of these dancers were at the Country Club last night, where I was also, attending the Corpus Christi Ballet 50th Anniversary Gala, which also celebrated Ms. Munro’s 40th anniversary of being with CCB. I’m, obviously, exhausted so I can’t even begin to imagine how they must feel.
This week has proved long and demanding, with Thursday’s rehearsals lasting late into the night–longer than typical for our spring shows–and Friday’s school show having an early call time. We thankfully didn’t have rehearsals Friday, as the school show acted as a rehearsal since we did the entire show for the school performance, which was a nice break for the girls to have a bit of time off.
Since I’m not in this show, I got to watch the school show performance from the audience. Dracula notoriously doesn’t sell very well in the school shows as it’s a bit darker and most of our attendees are elementary schools. We usually come up on the issue of school standardized testing happening around the same time as our Spring Performances every year, so shows don’t sell as well as Nutcracker regardless, but Dracula has its own extra layers. The show itself is absolutely wonderful story telling, and the dancers this year especially do a great job bringing it to life. Getting to watch from the audience during a performance was a real treat. Particularly, there’s a part where the Wolves come up from the back of the audience, and since the numbers were smaller, they didn’t notice it for longer than usual, and the reaction was absolutely perfect. Hearing the gasps and squeals and, in some instances, screams, was really fun for me. The audience was small, but they were gracious, giving the dancers plenty of reaction to play off. I sat with some of my favorite dance moms, many of whom have daughters I taught when I was still teaching. I don’t often get to see them for longer than answering questions in the office or a passing greeting, making this a really nice reprieve.
I had a few things to do at the studio between school show and the Gala, so it didn’t really make sense for me to drive all the way home, even though I was pretty wiped out at this point. I was grateful to have the ability to just sit during rehearsals, handling things from the auditorium as needed, but not having to climb stairs to dressing rooms and emote on stage, standing on the hard floors, like I usually do. The last few weeks have been particularly trying in my personal life, draining more energy than I’m used to emitting. I noticed I was feeling nauseated by 9pm, and dizzy by 9:30, solely because my body was telling me it was done. A far cry from what it used to be able to do, but that’s no surprise. I got home around midnight, and to bed around 1am, but my body woke up at 6 the next morning regardless.
I figured this would happen, the general anxieties of what goes into a show swirling around my head, trying to remember everything there is to remember, going over lists, all of it circling around and around in ways that don’t truly end until the show is over. I prepare for these things as much is possible, still there will be things you can’t predict or can’t do anything more to help except just take it as it comes and deal with the repercussions.
After school show, I went to lunch with some of my favorite people, then ran a few errands before going over to the studio. My phone was pinging with texts and calls from people about last nights Gala or show tickets or other various things to remember or handle or figure out. (Please appreciate that after I wrote the previous sentence, I had to pause to tell one group they were finished and didn’t have to stay, and then was asked to help rethread elastic in the pant legs of one of our youngest cast members. I was successful. Please hold your applause.) I told myself after I handled all the actual work I had to make myself lay down if I had any hope of surviving the night. After 20 minutes, I gave up the hope of sleep, but still stayed laying down, telling myself that bit of rest was better than nothing. I was nauseous and dizzy (this being 2:30pm) and tried to let myself not think about ballet stuff, but of course that was a hilarious notion. I had plugged my phone in to charge when I pretended to rest, so I grabbed it and had missed texts with people needing various things for the Gala, even just a few hours out. I did have the forethought of picking up ice cream during the errands I had to run before coming to the studio, and I was grateful I had. I sat on my floor, laptop propped up on a pillow, eating ice cream and handling business. An entire mood, really.
I got ready for the Gala at the studio, curling my hair, fully expecting it to fall before I arrived, and somehow managing to zip my dress up myself. It’s the little things, y’all. I was a bit nervous walking into the Gala, as attending an event like this isn’t something I have done in a good long while, the person I was back then being completely different from the person I am now, having to remind myself it is okay that I do not exist in a body now that looks like the body I existed in then. The old, familiar thoughts were ringing loud and clear, but I have the advantage of having been through a lot of therapy these days, and was able to face it all in spite of everything going on in my head. Thankfully, I arrived around the same time as my glorious assistant, Emily James, who walked in with me which gave me a bit more confidence having someone I trust alongside me.
We walked in the door of the Country Club, a place I’d never been, and the dancers who were there in tutus to help seat attendees saw us and almost collectively shouted, “Oh my God, Ms. Emilee!” going on about how much they loved my dress and how pretty I was, etc etc.
Listen. That’s not something I strive to hear from people or hang my hat on or whatever, but–especially in that moment–it was really nice to hear and gave me the extra confidence I needed to endure all the exhaustion and uncertainty of the night. I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear it continuously throughout the event, but it meant a lot, the voices of those I love helping reinforce the positive words I was trying to tell myself and drown out the ugly voices in my head pointing out all the flaws or thinking of opinions certain matriarchs may have if they were there or when I show them pictures, all of this typically more intense when i’m exhausted.
When the tutu-clad girls had changed into their own beautiful dresses for the night, they found me and asked for me to take pictures with them. This always makes me feel so good. So often I have felt I’ve had to really work hard to have a place in the environments I frequented, and most of my life I never quite felt like I found them and if I did it felt like it was just because of how I made the people feel or what I did for them, and not for who I am as a person or for what they also could offer to me in the friendship. Once I started setting boundaries, people began fading into the shadows, some slowly disappearing little by little, some essentially falling off the face of the planet. It felt like nothing was actually as it seemed, and I questioned the authenticity of most everything. Some people from previous seasons in my life have proven to be genuine, making the effort to stay connected even if it’s distantly as we navigate the natural ebbs and flows of life. Some of the girls I used to dance with will visit, making a point to come and see me and catch me up on their lives. I cherish these. Much like the dancers we have now that make sure we get pictures together, hyping me up and making me feel so loved–I am grateful.
One of the girls that was dancing a few levels above me when I first came to Munro was at the Gala last night. She graduated the year that ended up being my last year dancing with the company, and I haven’t seen her since (though her mom is one of my absolute favorite board members). It was so great seeing her, hearing about her life, catching her up on mine, and just spending time with her. A genuine soul, I got to tell her how its the fault of her and her mother that I’m at Munro as a twist of fate put the two of them at the same park I was in with another dancer for a photo shoot years ago, and we struck up a conversation where I told them my studio was closing and her mother told me about the great adult ballet classes at Munro. And here we are, 12 or so years later. Alex is just as kind now as she was when I first arrived on the scene, one of the girls that accepted me into the fold and was considerate of the new girl in town even though most people don’t know what to make of me. A true testament to the fact that what you do in your life, even if it seems small and unassuming, makes a difference in ways you may never even imagine.
Later on in the night, some of the younger-older girls approached me, asking me to come dance with them on the dance floor. There were about six of them in total and even though I am the epitome of an introvert with these things, I couldn’t resist. These girls are basically my nieces, some of them my former students or party girls or both, and having them requesting me to join them in what is arguably a right of passage for girls their age really fills my heart to feel chosen and know that these girls love me as much as I love them.
There was a moment where they were showing the mini documentary that was created in honor of Ms Munro (absolutely wonderfully done) where I looked around and took it all in. I thought about all the things I’ve been through and everything that has brought me to this moment. I thought about how lucky I am to be a part of this Company, surrounded by these people, and get to call this place a home. Ballet has been a big part of shaping me into the human I am, and this Company has played a huge role in that.
At this point of writing, I’m in the green room during our evening performance, various dancers coming and going with costume repairs or moral support needed, and I am more than happy to be there for these kids. Even now, some of my favorite people are lacing up costumes, one of them making sure I’m not working and when I explain about the blog and another asks if I’ll dance in other shows and I explain briefly about my health limitations and she says how she’s so glad that I’m here even still which really meant a lot to me. Now another group of my nuggets are here as it’s intermission and being chosen by so many loves makes me feel like maybe I’m doing something right in life.
On that note, I’m going to end this gushy post of sappiness so that I can add pictures and pay attention to my loves.
This is the life ❤
Another Night at the Barre 