If you know me, you know i’m prone to reflection.
If you’ve been here a while (or just found me recently and have found yourself down a rabbit hole), you’ll know about my experiences with Swan Lake the last time the Corpus Christi Ballet performed it back in 2016.
Eight years ago, I was in a much different place in life. It was my first tax season at my new job for a CPA office after having been fired from my last job (long story), I was newly sans gallbladder but didn’t know about the medication to help all the post surgery complications, and I was in my second season with my new studio and company after my first ballet studio closed down and in the middle of my fourth year of ballet, still trying to find where I fit.
It seemed as soon as I felt I may have figured it out, a wrench was thrown at me; I finally get the boldness to sign up for ballet classes and I get injured in a car wreck and have to miss the rest of the month of classes. I finally am able to take classes and start to feel comfortable at the studio and it closes. I find a new studio and start to get comfortable and then get too sick to dance.
Swan Lake was the show that marks a pivotal moment in my life. The mix of the stress of my first tax season (with no formal training) with the intensity of the ballet while also hardly being able to eat because of post surgery issues made a perfect cocktail of stress in my body. I woke up the day after shows unable to get out of bed. I took the first sick day i’ve ever taken in my adult life and have not been the same since.
The memories of that show are mixed, but isn’t that how life goes? Perfection doesn’t exist. Life hands us the cards it does and we’re left to play the cards we’re dealt. It’s up to us if we decide to let the negative parts determine everything, or if we choose to see the positives and make the most of it all.
Last go around, I was cast as a swan cover. I was disappointed as I so desperately wanted to be cast with my friends and be such an iconic role—an opportunity I never expected in the first place. I wanted to prove to them and to myself that I was good enough to dance in the corps de ballet. I fell short, but I worked hard and showed up and made the most of it. The five of us covers banded together to still enjoy ourselves, calling ourselves the Ugly Ducklings in jest, learning the parts all the different ways just in case. Three out of the five of us ended up going in the week of shows as injuries happened. It was extremely rewarding to work so hard not knowing if we’d get to perform it, and be able to blend seamlessly when the opportunity arose.
Emilee then never could have guessed life would turn out how it did. Emilee then was terrified of what her body was doing to her and the things she felt she couldn’t control. Ballet was the one thing in the world she desperately wanted, and she was trying to find where she fit in a world where adult ballet dancers weren’t really a thing. We were blazing trails 💁🏼♀️. Hah. But seriously, trying to find where I belonged where I was dancing with 14 year olds, but the same age as the principal dancers was a weird dynamic to navigate.
I couldn’t have landed in a better place. i’ve never once not been welcomed or made to feel like I wasn’t wanted. The girls befriended me, the principal dancers took me in, I made friends.
By the next year my world had come crashing down as my body started betraying me slowly but surely, leading to me having to quit; dance, my job, everything.
Eight years ago me never could have guessed life would take the turns it did.
Eight years ago me would be thrilled.
Now, I work for the Company that took me in. I’m surrounded by dancers of whom many have become my chosen family. Now, i’m not only in Swan Lake again, but i’m cast as the Queen. The principal dancers are still my friends and somehow the corpse de ballet dancers still think i’m cool and laugh at my jokes (thanks for that, Brooke 😉). I go to the studio happy as a clam. The fact I even still get to go to the studio is a gift I hope I never take for granted; sweet former students running into my office as soon as they come in the door to wrap their arms around my neck and hug me so tight. I hear about their lives, am asked to watch them and give corrections, get to pour into their lives and fill my heart lighten in the process.
I look back over all the years of uncertainty, when I had no idea where I belonged, when I was looking at the expiration date of the one thing i’d always wanted and never wanted to give up, and i’m just so grateful. I feel like these posts have become much the same, but i’m just so happy to know that all the difficulties, all the nights of uncertainty, all the fear was short lived. That the place I’ve ended up is back in the place where my soul feels most alive, surrounded by people who fill my life with joy.
The kids who were the tiny nuggets last time are the graduating seniors this time. One, Swan Lake in 2016 was her first spring show, and this time is her last before she goes off to college. Talk about full circle!
I’m so proud to see how they’ve grown, so honored to be a part of it, and just so happy for where my life has taken me.
Back in 2011 when I made the decision to follow this silly little dream i’d always held, people made fun of me. They criticized me, told me I was wasting my time and money, that nothing would come of it, that I needed to stop dancing and start thinking seriously about my future.
Joke’s on them.
My first Queen rehearsal is tomorrow. I’m so dang excited for how fun this is going to be.
Another Night at the Barre 