Month: December 2014

Theater week, night one

Tonight was the first night for rehearsal in the theater, and let me tell you it was impressive. 
The theater I was used to is a very old theater next door that usually houses plays; This one had ceilings several stories high, a giant stage, all sorts of back drops and everything. Massive. I felt like a part of history. 
So many of the other dancers have been doing this all their lives. Even some of the ten-year-olds are on nutcracker four and five and have been dancing as long as I’ve been out of high school. (9 years, folks.)
This was the first time I was in a situation where we were all interacting and mingling with each other, I felt kind of intimidated to be full on approached with some of the “older” dancers. It can be a sort of awkward place for me since I’m older in age but so much younger in skill set; I feel like I should know so much more than I do, which is exemplified by the the fact that so many people have done this so many times (especially my age) that they don’t have the kinds of questions I do. In critiques, I spoke up about how we were told we did awful, and was told to stop digging a hole (not by my teacher, but by someone else) but by that time it was too late and I had already sounded like an idiot. But what are we supposed to do if we keep getting told that we are off the music, when we’ve never been told the proper placement on the music we are supposed to be doing? Not everyone can (or cares to?) try to figure out the music placement, and I don’t want to look like an idiot, ya know? But the group one age set younger than us got to break it down with the music and now they’re so improved and for some reason we can’t get it. And it’s not excruciatingly difficult, I just don’t think we know.
But, my friend Lillian made a good point, “take in everything. Take in the good, take in the bad, and take in the good again. You’ll never have this experience again.” So I’m gonna try to get past my embarrassment of how I feel like I’m starting a new high school off on the wrong foot, or how I’m older and should know/feel/be better and look at the good again.
When we were doing barre warm up, I ended up at the barre with some of the younger ones. One of them asked what I was and I told her and the others that began listening that I was Chinese. They kind of looked at me like “that’s it?” So I told them I’ve only been on pointe a year, and only had the proper shoes since September and only been in ballet 3 years and they told me they’ve been dancing 8 years. And my other Chinese role friend said, “yeah, she’s 26! And only been dancing 3 years and she’s amazing!” Which made me feel really good. ‘Cause I don’t always feel amazing. She later told me I had really good calves, which made me laugh.
Annika and I stuck together most of the time. We were both trying to get a feel for it all, and I kind of am at a disadvantage since I don’t go to school with all these girls like she does. Do I talk all hip? Do I give away how old I am? Where’s the line and what do I say and why is this so hard and weird? But it was fine. The girls were kind. 
One of our Chinese girls is an old soul. She doesn’t get caught up in the drama of everything, but instead focuses on working hard and improving and being her best. She tends to stick close to me and today she told me she tends to get along with older people. I like having her around. You can also see her hard work paying off. This girl can balance on releve literally forever. 
While we were backstage, I caught myself looking at the ceiling often. The whole place was huge and amazing. How cool is it that someone who started ballet at 23 is able to dance in the nutcracker?  Like, how is this possible? I’m a no body. Most places if I were to try and do ballet at this age, I wouldn’t really have much of a chance to grow and improve; it would be recreational and not much more than that. But thanks to Instep, I was able to come in, be vulnerable, look like an idiot, and learn in a safe and nurturing environment that allowed me to grow. There is so often the stipulation that you can only get out all your awkward learning moments when your young and past that you’re just screwed. This is also why I only do ballet. I would love to branch into other styles, but most aren’t able to take the time for adult beginners. Although, there was a 3-month time span where I was able to do tap and jazz at a little studio in a tiny town near my parents house that was so much fun. But to think of how a mere 3 years ago, I was recovering from an injury do to a car wreck, skipping the Holiday Showcase because I was new and sucked too much to even pretend I could get on stage, and here I am now in the Nutcracker, getting compliments from people I hardly know–it’s a place I never thought I would be.
There was a moment when we were working on the final part of the finale where it all felt real; it’s like my mind rewound to last year when I watched nutcracker from the audience, and here I am dancing nutcracker on the stage. How did this happen?  How did I get here? What an incredible opportunity this is! I just felt it, and I don’t know if there are words to explain it, but it blew my mind a little.
Overall, it’s a pretty amazing experience. I only wish I could have had more years of this but ya know, maybe I wouldn’t see the value it has if I had grown up in this. I don’t know, but I’m glad to be here now.

spaced brain.

My brain spaced and I forgot to add in key points about Thursday’s class in my last post. But, oh well. They’re in the journal. That’s what matters, right?

Remember that Autoimmune Paleo diet? Yeah, it ended up getting the better of me. I wound up really sick on Saturday night/Sunday morning and was debating going to the ER. Thankfully, I somehow managed to fall back asleep and woke up without the crippling nausea (I can’t throw up–long story–so it makes me a little scared when it gets like that.) I was really weak and had dropped 7 pounds in four days, and 4 of those pounds were over night somehow. Really scary stuff.

I still went to Nutcracker Rehearsals, and just told my teacher about it before hand so she was aware if I had to hold back any. She said I could wear my flat shoes if I wanted, so I did. I was so grateful that she was so understanding about it. I didn’t want to look weak or unable to keep up. I don’t want to be, like, a liability or whatever, and I didn’t want her to be upset that I had never told her about this before if I’ve been dealing with it for so long. But it wasn’t like that at all, and sometimes the movement of activity somehow helps? I don’t know.

Good news is, I didn’t pass out. I was able to make it through the rehearsal and be okay and today I’m feeling loads better, so I’m hopeful. I know my part is quite minimal compared to the other members, but still. Doing that much when you feel like crap is probably more than I should have done. Oh well.

This week is our Auditorium Rehearsal week! Because, ya know, we have two school performances on Friday, and then our first weekend on Saturday and Sunday! I’m excited and nervous, and will probably feel a lot better after a few full run-throughs. This is my first show ever. I mean, I’ve done recitals and I’ve done plays, but those are different. Our finale is ROUGH but we kinda weren’t properly shown what to do and can’t seem to get the timing right… I’m really hoping everything comes together. Chinese seems to get a bad rap, and I want to do the best I can to change that.

Also, my friend was called out during corrections after rehearsal for giving it her all during Roses, going full out, then telling Ms. Munro she has two bruised toenails that are falling off… Ms. Munro was impressed. hehehe

A good day.

There’s those dance days that make you feel defeated, and then there are those days where you surprise yourself and leave feeling like you can take over the world.

Thankfully, yesterday’s class was the latter.

Although, we still didn’t get to have Mrs. Lori, she did pop in and go over some recital stuff with us.
She played us the song we’ll be dancing to and showed us a couple different options for costumes. There was this one that had three different colors–a rose, a soft blue, and a gold– and lots of detail, then there was one that was a leotard and a (romantic) tutu separate, but had many more color options. When she asked our opinions, no one really said anything, so I spoke up, “I like the detail in the first one, but–coming from a photographer stand point–I really like that the second one is separate. I can use it for photo shoots.” One of the girls really didn’t want the first ones, and everyone else seemed to like the second ones, so we went with it. They look like this:

Then we had to choose between the gemstone colors and the pastels. She played the music, which is by the Vitamin String Quartet and I immediately freaked out because strings just do something to me I can’t explain and I was so excited, and said she saw it as pastels, and we all agreed. So then we all wrote down our top three favorite colors of our choices so Mrs. Lori could decide how she would order them and choreograph according to the colors. Let me just say, I am beyond excited.
The music just makes me feel alive; like this is what I am here to do. Like I will be able to do this well and portray the picture in my heart that has been aching to be seen for years. I’m really hopeful about it. I’m pumped.

So the girls passed the paper around, picking their colors, changing their minds, talking possibilities and saying “Orchid” as “Orchard.” When it got to just be dilly-dally conversation, I put the papers back in their folders, closed the book, and took it to Ms. Nancy. The girls wanted to keep looking at it and comparing things, but we were already starting class late, (Some of my Instep girls from the class before got approved for pointe shoes!!! I’m so proud!!) and now this was taking up time. I didn’t want us to lose the whole class, and Mrs. Lori was in the other studio, so I just did it. (One of the girls later told me she liked that I did that. hehehe) Ms. Munro came in and we got the class started.

I’m having to do this Autoimmune Paleo diet thing to try and get my intestines to function normally, and I started on Wednesday. Let me tell you, day two has been the worst I have felt in a long time. I hate it. I had energy, but I felt drained. When we did a back cambre, my head immediately started pounding. I felt like I couldn’t get enough breath, and at one point when I tried to catch up with deep breaths, the room started spinning and I lost vision for a second. It was scary and I hated it.
But somehow, even with all this, it was one of the best classes I’ve had.
Maybe because the feeling in my stomach took my focus away from the feeling of fear.

I was able to do complex pique combinations with ease. I successfully managed pirouettes on both sides. I even was able to do a plie rollup on one foot into arabesque and then into front attitude. These used to scare the crap out of me, and here I was, doing them.

At one point, after my group had already done a combination, I watched the feet of one of the girls dancing after me. It was an interesting moment where it hit me–those things I see other people’s feet doing, those gifs I watch online or the combinations in rehearsal. I’m doing those. I’m dancing pointe. My feet are doing what this girls feet are doing. Successfully. My feet look like hers. I’m dancing en pointe.

I guess sometimes I waste all this effort thinking about how much I want to accomplish and how difficult it’s going to be, instead of thinking of how far I’ve come and what I’m doing now. It doesn’t matter how long it takes me to get to x,y,z. Look at where you are now. Look at the ground you’ve covered in this year–heck, the last 3 months. It’s a lot to be proud of and grateful for.

So, once again, ballet reminded me of why I like life. And for this I am eternally grateful.

Act II rehearsals.

We had rehearsals with all of Act II on Sunday.
These make me nervous, because all of the “older” kids are watching. And honestly, with everyone that’s been hurting themselves this season, I’m afraid of risk.
(I mean, I always seem to be afraid, but this is like, more. Whatever, judge me.)

Sunday’s rehearsal was very tense. Overall it seemed like there was a strained air about the studio. Ms. Munro was sharper and no-nonsense, injured dancers nervous of their injuries, but doing their best, dancers goofing off panicking when they don’t know what’s going on, frustration all around at these people. At this point in the game,we should have our stuff together. I can understand the bigger numbers needing loads more work and direction, being that it’s longer, more complicated, and contains many more people. But our little pieces should be together by now. Especially when it’s not all too difficult.
(Stupid pirouette is still scaring me. And my toes are dying. And I’m not sure what else to do for them or if you just kind of get used to it.)

We went through it twice and we were supposed to do it in costumes the second round, but we ran out of time and ended up just running through it.

After the first time, they huddled us together really quickly for corrections. The first thing Ms. Munro said was,
“Emilee is the only one smiling the entire time! You all look like you’re miserable.” Then she did these little sound effects to indicate misery. “You all need to be more,” *insert happy sound effects*

First Ms. Alex, and now Ms. Munro.
Not one mention of not having the pirouette down on pointe, although I really want to do it, for myself ya know? I don’t want to cheat. I want to improve and I want to take risks. I also want to build up my strength in my feet and ankles.

I guess overall in life I feel rather defeated currently. I’ve noticed my tolerance is lacking, and I’ve found it difficult to deal with all the things that I can’t control; especially when people are calling me lazy with it and saying I’m just making excuses.

People suck sometimes, and they are rude and careless. And these are days I want to become a recluse. Because trying to explain won’t do anything for them, because they actually don’t care, but they also won’t keep their noses out of things.

I’m hopeful for this season.