Month: April 2015

Center yourself.

Ms. Lori is just one of the greatest humans on the planet.
So forgive me if I talk about her too much.

In yesterday’s class, Ms. Lori had us do a few combinations at the barre, then hold releve passe (or a couple different positions as well) and take a second to close our eyes while we held it, then open them to finish.
We did it, and it was weird. (I have this thing where if I close my eyes, I can be completely fine, but I’ll start to second-guess my balance and throw myself off if I don’t open them before too long. It was fun to challenge that.)

But she had a good pointe

She asked us if we felt different when we were on stage. The lights, the vastness of it, all the things that were different–did that make us nervous? Does it shake us up?
She wanted us to close our eyes. To find a way to center ourselves, no matter what is going on around us. That even if the world was shaking, we could still remain composed and not let it shake us.

Ms. Lori always has such great analogies and wisdom.
And the girls in this class really soak it up.
And it shows.

To say I’m grateful would be a vast understatement.

It could be worse.

This weekend had me laying flat on my back most of the time.
The pain in my back seemed to only be increasing, or at least remaining the same. Thankfully I didn’t have rehearsals or any really strenuous activity scheduled, so I was able to stay in bed and edit pictures and crochet while watching movies that ripped my heart out followed by Parks and Rec to take the sting out (until I get to the season finale, at least.)

We had the V’s class yesterday. I was a bit nervous to say anything to the teacher because she seems to be the most passive out of all the teachers I have. Not that she doesn’t care, because I truly believe she does. I think she just has a different teaching style than most. I don’t believe that I am wasting my time or anything by taking her class. I learn a lot and she will even correct me if I need it. This just isn’t something she does as commonly as other teachers may. Sometimes, though, approaching her feels a little awkward. Maybe it’s because she’s closer to my age, I’m not sure, but I was nervous about saying something and looking stupid. (I really hate the feeling of looking stupid.)
She wasn’t there, for some reason, so instead we had Ms. Munro. I was able to tell her daughter about what was going on before class which I was grateful for since I’m not sure if my appointment today will cause me to be late or not, but this was a good time to tell Ms. Munro as well and not feel awkward. I told her the brief synopsis of what was going on and she understood and I started class feeling good. There was a moment when she caught herself going to get onto me, but then remembered my arabesque could go higher but probably shouldn’t right now.

My hip was hurting by the time class was over. At first I wasn’t sure if it was actually hurting more or if I just noticed the pain more. I have this thing where once something is pointed out to me, I notice it. It has it’s pros and cons, but since Thursday it has been a bit overwhelming. Mix that with (what I’m told is) a high pain tolerance, and things can get interesting. There are two ways I do know if a pain is something I should pay attention to. If it makes me tear up, or if it makes me groan. And not just groan out of complaint, but an actual involuntary response. (There’s a difference. I know the difference. It’s hard to explain.) Thursday was one of the “tear up” days and it turns out I was right to pay attention to it, so now I want to make sure I don’t overuse it and make things worse. Especially with Oz and recital so close.

I’ve had this irrational fear that something would happen to make me have to sit out one or both. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen it happen to people, or because I know my body is sort of angry at me all the time and there seems to always be potential for something to go wrong. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m so darn accident prone, I don’t know, but this year it’s felt heightened. I want to be careful to not make anything worse and do everything in my power to help my back improve.

I’m hopeful that in the long run this will be really good for me, maybe even help my dancing. It is also really encouraging to know that some of the places where I was lacking weren’t due to anything I was doing wrong or not doing well enough, but rather because of this underlying problem that can be fixed.

I’m also hopeful that I can get a full understanding of what is expected of me so that I can work to correct this issue and get back to dancing to my fullest potential. I’m a little nervous of how much maintenance this will require, but beyond grateful it doesn’t require surgery or to stop dancing.

It could be so much worse. I just feel really blessed to be where I am in life.

I’m glad my back started hurting.

Remember that one post where I said I was scared the knee pain was more than just knee pain?

Exhibit A.
I went to the chiropractor’s office yesterday after developing a really painful knot in my lower back. It was so bad I couldn’t even sit and having the ballet class I really needed to be at, I knew I couldn’t handle it. 
Sure, maybe push through this class, or skip it, but what if this doesn’t go away? It’s not just my back; it’s my knee, it’s my head, it’s my hip, it’s so many things I can’t think of them all while dancing to keep the pain away.
Well now we know why.
I called my Dad since he works on the computers of a chiropractor’s office in town and he was actually on the phone with them when I called. They were able to fit me in yesterday, and this is what we learned.
From the above picture: My left leg is shorter than my right.

I knew my hips were out of alignment frequently, but I had no clue that my left leg was actually shorter. A friend I grew up with had this issue and wore special shoes and everything, but I didn’t know I had it too.

Then my spine is all jacked up as you can see, and my hips way out of alignment, more than what can be fixed with a simple jerk to set them back (like my PT did two years ago.)
Hence the hips pain.
Then:
Yeah, my back is supposed to be straight up against the back panel thingy. 
It’s clearly not.
He called this a “cheerleader back” which made sense to me since my family has cheerleaders in it. This is probably due in part to my hips and back being misaligned, but also something I need to work on.
No wonder I have such a hard time tucking my tailbone in class.
The Doctor said they’re going to have to re-teach me how to stand.
Yeah, so, you can see a lot of the vertebrae that are misaligned. It’s causing a lot of strain and pressure and just really bad. (Also, you can see the sutures from my removed gallbladder. Kinda cool.)
See how the one side is bigger than the other?
Yep. Arthritis.
Apparently when I was in that car wreck (that caused most of this. But I had no clue. Cause the ER told me nothing? thanks ER.) the whiplash caused some damage and over time it calcified and caused arthritis. It doesn’t really affect me, but it makes my neck bigger on the one side. And no wonder my teachers tell me I hold all my tension in my neck. You can also see some of the vertebrae misaligned here too.
Your neck is supposed to curve.
Mine doesn’t. It goes straight up and down. The Doctor couldn’t even get the 3D model to do this, like, my neck shouldn’t be doing this. But apparently my vertebrae are backwards or something. He explained it, but I don’t remember the details since there was so much information to take in. But my neck is shorter than it should be, as well. To quote him, “God just made ya funny.” I like this Doctor. 
So this makes all the pain make sense.
I figured there was some connection since it was all happening on my right side. The impact of the car wreck was on the right side. I wish I would have known I needed to see him back in 2011 when it happened, especially since I had just began ballet two weeks before and could have helped my learning so much more, but thankfully this is all reversible. He says it’ll take about six months to get it all straightened out and I’m going to have to work hard, but I am just so thrilled to actually have a doctor give me an answer and not just pass me off as being dramatic like everyone else has. (spare my family practitioner. I like her.) 
This should also help my stomach, which is amazing. And it’ll help my dancing. 
He’s gonna try acupuncture on me too, which I’m oddly excited about.
He kept saying, “Such a tender age…” for all the things that were wrong. Which honestly, made me feel really comforted. So often people talk to me and treat me like I’m just being dramatic and just need to suck it up. The ones that were helpful were actually helpful to the extent of their knowledge (like taping the knee and using oils to help me through) but everyone else made me feel like I had no right to say anything. Even my boss made a comment like I was being dramatic or like it was all my fault and I should have fixed it years ago but I literally didn’t know. And it made me feel bad. Or like it was a competition because he has cancer and obviously this isn’t cancer, but it is painful and is going to take a lot of time and healing and work. And if I didn’t do anything for it, it would greatly affect my way of life, as it already is. 
I love this doctor. I love his care for his patients. I love that he loves and respects my Dad and is able to help me so much. I am very fortunate. 
I was also able to tell Ms. Lori about it all (I had asked her opinion last class) and she was very grateful that I did so now she knows what to look for and can better help me. 
Goodness, I’m so glad I have her as a teacher.
Things are actually working in my favor and it’s wonderful.

Confession

I’m afraid this knee pain is more serious than I want to believe and will cause me to have to stop dancing.

That may not be the case, as it wasn’t last time. But last time it had gone away by now.
Granted, last time there were dr visits and PT, but still.
I’m afraid they’re just gonna say it’s arthritis, and what if it’s not?

I’m 26.

It’s only sometimes, and I don’t have a reason this time. And I really just want to see a doctor who handles dancers and knows this kind of stuff but my home town sucks when it comes to doctors.

Weighing my options before I take action I can’t really afford.