It could be worse.

This weekend had me laying flat on my back most of the time.
The pain in my back seemed to only be increasing, or at least remaining the same. Thankfully I didn’t have rehearsals or any really strenuous activity scheduled, so I was able to stay in bed and edit pictures and crochet while watching movies that ripped my heart out followed by Parks and Rec to take the sting out (until I get to the season finale, at least.)

We had the V’s class yesterday. I was a bit nervous to say anything to the teacher because she seems to be the most passive out of all the teachers I have. Not that she doesn’t care, because I truly believe she does. I think she just has a different teaching style than most. I don’t believe that I am wasting my time or anything by taking her class. I learn a lot and she will even correct me if I need it. This just isn’t something she does as commonly as other teachers may. Sometimes, though, approaching her feels a little awkward. Maybe it’s because she’s closer to my age, I’m not sure, but I was nervous about saying something and looking stupid. (I really hate the feeling of looking stupid.)
She wasn’t there, for some reason, so instead we had Ms. Munro. I was able to tell her daughter about what was going on before class which I was grateful for since I’m not sure if my appointment today will cause me to be late or not, but this was a good time to tell Ms. Munro as well and not feel awkward. I told her the brief synopsis of what was going on and she understood and I started class feeling good. There was a moment when she caught herself going to get onto me, but then remembered my arabesque could go higher but probably shouldn’t right now.

My hip was hurting by the time class was over. At first I wasn’t sure if it was actually hurting more or if I just noticed the pain more. I have this thing where once something is pointed out to me, I notice it. It has it’s pros and cons, but since Thursday it has been a bit overwhelming. Mix that with (what I’m told is) a high pain tolerance, and things can get interesting. There are two ways I do know if a pain is something I should pay attention to. If it makes me tear up, or if it makes me groan. And not just groan out of complaint, but an actual involuntary response. (There’s a difference. I know the difference. It’s hard to explain.) Thursday was one of the “tear up” days and it turns out I was right to pay attention to it, so now I want to make sure I don’t overuse it and make things worse. Especially with Oz and recital so close.

I’ve had this irrational fear that something would happen to make me have to sit out one or both. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen it happen to people, or because I know my body is sort of angry at me all the time and there seems to always be potential for something to go wrong. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m so darn accident prone, I don’t know, but this year it’s felt heightened. I want to be careful to not make anything worse and do everything in my power to help my back improve.

I’m hopeful that in the long run this will be really good for me, maybe even help my dancing. It is also really encouraging to know that some of the places where I was lacking weren’t due to anything I was doing wrong or not doing well enough, but rather because of this underlying problem that can be fixed.

I’m also hopeful that I can get a full understanding of what is expected of me so that I can work to correct this issue and get back to dancing to my fullest potential. I’m a little nervous of how much maintenance this will require, but beyond grateful it doesn’t require surgery or to stop dancing.

It could be so much worse. I just feel really blessed to be where I am in life.


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