Month: April 2016

I was able to make class again yesterday, which was the one I really wanted to make considering I missed it last week, will probably miss next week, and then the week after is the first day of “Selena week” (The Selena Auditorium is the theatre we perform in.) 

There were a few sections I was able to catch up on, and she was able to give us a new part for those of us that were still waiting to be given a part of this section. I’m not sure if it’s simple because I’m in the section or what. I appreciate it though. Id rather have something simple and clean than something complex and messy. I wrote it all down after class so I can have something to jog my memory after I’m finally back in class again. 

Most of the dancers will be gone for Festival starting on Thursday. This means we don’t have rehearsals this weekend, which is a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to have some (quickly filled) time, but sucks to be missing those precious days we could be rehearsing. 

The girls helped me with bits of swan I’ve been struggling with while we waiting for our section of recital to be worked on. I appreciated it. Even if I don’t get to perform it, I don’t want to look a hot mess if I have to jump into another rehearsal. We have one more weekend before theatre week and it’s long past time of looking a fool and time got serious and make sure I for sure know it. 

After class I went into the smaller studio to work on the pirouette prep Ms Munro had helped me with in Monday’s class. Going into it, I wondered why i wasn’t doing this more. When I got into the studio, I realized why. 

I don’t look in the mirror. Rarely, at least. Sometimes it’s simply because there are people in the way of my line of sight, and sometimes I’ll catch glances when I can to see where my turn out is or how my line looks. But typically, I avoid it. When I’m working on something like this where I need to make sure I’m not leaning one way or the other, and that I don’t lose my turn out as I releve and every other thing I need to be thinking of as I execute this, I have to look at myself to make sure I’m doing it right–there’s no one else around to see it for me. 

And it was hard. Because when I saw my reflection, I struggled to get past the fact that I’m double the size of the other girls in class. My eyes went to the bits of me that jiggled as I sprung from the floor rather than how I got there. Regardless of how good I may or may not be, it draws away from the art of the movement. 

And I know I largely can’t help it. I know my health is still just an issue that I’m trying to avoid and pacify until I have the time and money to look into it more, after the last time lead to another dead end; albeit a closer end than before. I know that my build is just one that’s stockier rather than my lean classmates. I know that walking every day could help some with this, but I also know that I don’t have the time to spare to do more than I’m doing right now and even that is a stretch. 

I know all these things, but I still couldn’t fight off that feeling that I’m seen as nothing more than just a cute little thing with a dream that we humor because we’d be terrible to shoot her down when she wants this so badly. 

Or whatever. 

I know I’m working against some difficult obsticals. That there are people out there who would have given up long ago. I know that there are certain things that are impossible. I know that my passion will make up for most of what I lack. But, I know too that I just have to play the cards in dealt. 

But if I don’t face this reality, if I just ignore this, then I for sure won’t go anywhere. I’ll be nothing more than the image I avoid. If I face the music and look at my reflection, I can see where I lack and try to work hard to improve to be what I want to be. I have to work harder to make them see past the things I can’t change. 

And I will. 

It’ll take work. It’ll take vulnerability. But it will happen. 

Once upon a time, I was in college, and I had some really wonderful mentor-friends in my life. (Shout out, they still are, but then they lived a stones throw away) and these mentor-friends had limitless wisdom. 

One of the friends told me something that has stuck with me ever since. A quote of sorts, to help you stay centered and realistic in circumstances when you really don’t want or feel like or things don’t seem to be that way. 

Anyway. 

“Correction is not rejection but direction.”

So often it can seem like a correction is targeted at us. That it’s a fault seen and held against us. But really, it’s simply a bit of direction. A piece of advice to help us become better; a bit of confirmation that we show enough promise to invest time and energy into. 

We had a sub in class today. I was halfway bummed I couldn’t do pointe today due to a gnarly blister that popped, but secretly a little happy cause it would have been hard. Though, I would have liked that challenge. Especially in this class. 

She went back to the basics of technique. So often I think this is overlooked at our level, when in reality it should be focused on that much more. I got a correction that my second position wasn’t wide enough. Previously I had been told it was too wide so I would have gone on the rest of my “career” thinking this smaller second was correct when really it was too small. Now I know. And it makes sense. 

Ms Munro popped her head in here and there which made me feel a bit of pressure. Especially since I wasn’t in pointe shoes and she had brought up before how I didn’t wear them. (She had seen me in the advanced class, which I don’t wear them for.) I tried to make my movements clean and intentional and still managed to flub up here and there. 

After class she came up to me and said, “you’re not even on pointe!” I thought she meant my shoes, so I started to explain. She said, “no, in your turns!” And had me go to passé and explained how I don’t get all the way over my leg so it throws me off. “You’re never going to have clean turns if you can’t do that!” She asked me why I wasn’t and I said I probably wasn’t thinking about it in the right way, which proved true, because when I did it when she asked, I did it correctly. 

I thanked her, and really was glad she said something because I had no idea. I thought my turns felt decent today. But imagine how much better and more secure they’ll be if I can implement this correction and improve. Now I want to try and work on getting all the way over my leg properly so that it becomes a habit and my muscles are worked the correct way. 

It was a different day, but really a beneficial one for me. I’m grateful I was able to make class at all, especially since there’s so few days left til tax season is up. Next week is our last full week to get it all done. Lots to do and tensions are high. 

We’re gonna make it. 

It seemed that a lot of the girls were gone today. It made jazz relatively difficult, which was unfortunate since it may be my last recital rehearsal for a while. But ms Heidi was able to give me a bit of choreography in a section we were leaving open to see what the number of dancers was gonna do. Today a decision was made and how my part has kind of gone for a few weeks now is gonna stay. I’m excited because I really like the feel of it. 

I only got to do the new bit once before we ran it for Ms Munro, and I spaced out at one part. But Ms Heidi helped me out and I made it work. I got out paper after class and wrote it down in case I’m not back again until after tax season (missing two classes.) there’s a good amount of things I need to work on and perfect that are just a bit out of my reach of what I know, but that’s what I like about this class. It sets the bar right out of my reach and challenges me to find a way to reach it. And reach it I will. 

All the girls really like this dance, myself included, and I think it’s part of what makes it great. It’s different, but we each take ownership of our separate parts and it comes together to make an interesting piece. 

I’m proud of it. 

   
    
 

Today marks a year since I found out about all of this mess. 

Turns out my hips are crooked because my legs are uneven, which curves the vertebrae in my back. Also, the vertebrae in my neck are inverted, and there is also calcified whiplash from a car wreck 4 1/2 years ago that makes it bigger than the other side. 

Initially the chiropractor said that it was fixable, but now we know it is not. One of the bones in my right leg is bigger than my left which causes the shift. 

It can make things complicated. It can make things entertaining. Like when I felt like I missed a step doing chaines because I forgot to compensate for the shorter side. 

Today I had a really bad tension headache at rehearsal. I don’t think it was from my wonky legs, but I’m sure it didn’t help. 

Today’s rehearsal was filled with a lot of things that make me grateful. Like the fact that I was able to make my ticket sales quota right on time, and the fact that I have so many great friends. 

8 girls were missing, two of them being covers, so the three of us there all got to dance. That was really nice. It helps keep up the intensity and stamina just in case. And even if not, it puts us that much farther looking ahead to next year. For that I am truly grateful. I could have just as easily been left behind in the dirt. I’ve learned new things, I’ve grown as a dancer, I’ve become closer to some girls, I’ve met new people–all in all its been wonderful. 

I had a rough week so I was a bit nervous that I would just be sort of emotionally drained going into today. But it actually went really well. I was a new part (well, I’d been her once, but really early on) for second act, and a familiar one for fourth act, which I think was really good to kinda keep myself well rounded and well versed in case I’d have to go in for a different part than I was used to. My left big toe ended up getting a blister that popped, so it was open and rubbing against my tights and toe of the greater part of rehearsal. I did my best despite but dang it hurt. 

There was a during corrections when I noticed Mrs Alex subtly standing up for me in a moment I decided not to say something, it that makes sense. Anyway. It was really nice. It felt really good to know that she saw that I knew what I was doing when what ms Munro saw was that we didn’t know what we were doing. (Half of our people were missing for that part, and one of the ones there has missed a lot of rehearsals so it was rough. Plus it was the new part.) then ms Munro complimented the covers on how well they were doing on jumping in to so many different parts and doing them well. She commented on how even though we won’t all be able to dance it, that we’ve been able to grow and learn and be able to become better dancers through this experience. I really appreciated her kind words and totally agree. I’m so grateful to be a part. It really meant a lot to hear it from her. 

There was also a moment when they were clarifying how to do this chug step. I wasn’t covering when they taught it, so I struggled to understand the fundementals of it. Mrs Alex took the time to break it down for me until I understood it, and the other girls were helpful as well so that I could do it correctly. And it may not even matter in the long run for the show, but for me as a person it matters. It makes me feel a sense of peace and takes away underlying frustrations being able to understand it. I really appreciate their time. 

Then after rehearsal she made a comment to me in passing, “you’ll have been just about every part by the end of this!” I was caugh of guard and didn’t know what to say, so I just said, “it’s fun!” As she walked by. And it so is! Even when it’s hard or painful or exhausting. It’s still fun. I still love this. I’m grateful for the experience. 

I think making my ticket quota was a huge weight off my shoulders. We know there’s a set amount we are required to sell, and it’s really not an unreasonable amount, but I was struggling to sell them this time around. So knowing that it happened really helped me relax about everything. One less thing to have to worry about! I think it makes me more excited, too, to have people that love me in the audience.

My family said that if for some reason I get to fill in for someone for a show, they’ll come. Which, if y’all have been a part of my blog for a while, you’ll know how much that means to me. They want to see what I’ve been working so hard on. They understand it might not happen and they’re okay with that too, maybe even relieved 😉 but just knowing that they are proud of me in this thing I love so much really means more than I have words for. And honestly, I don’t know if it would have gone that way had I been cast as a swan. 

So really, being a cover has been a gift. And I’m really starting to see that more now. And in thankful. 

I’ll be sad when it’s over. I won’t know what to do with myself when it’s over. But these last few weekends I have it i will cherish. 

Thanks to those of you reading this that are part of this experience. Y’all make it great!