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Emilee

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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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One year. 

   
    
 

Today marks a year since I found out about all of this mess. 

Turns out my hips are crooked because my legs are uneven, which curves the vertebrae in my back. Also, the vertebrae in my neck are inverted, and there is also calcified whiplash from a car wreck 4 1/2 years ago that makes it bigger than the other side. 

Initially the chiropractor said that it was fixable, but now we know it is not. One of the bones in my right leg is bigger than my left which causes the shift. 

It can make things complicated. It can make things entertaining. Like when I felt like I missed a step doing chaines because I forgot to compensate for the shorter side. 

Today I had a really bad tension headache at rehearsal. I don’t think it was from my wonky legs, but I’m sure it didn’t help. 

Today’s rehearsal was filled with a lot of things that make me grateful. Like the fact that I was able to make my ticket sales quota right on time, and the fact that I have so many great friends. 

8 girls were missing, two of them being covers, so the three of us there all got to dance. That was really nice. It helps keep up the intensity and stamina just in case. And even if not, it puts us that much farther looking ahead to next year. For that I am truly grateful. I could have just as easily been left behind in the dirt. I’ve learned new things, I’ve grown as a dancer, I’ve become closer to some girls, I’ve met new people–all in all its been wonderful. 

I had a rough week so I was a bit nervous that I would just be sort of emotionally drained going into today. But it actually went really well. I was a new part (well, I’d been her once, but really early on) for second act, and a familiar one for fourth act, which I think was really good to kinda keep myself well rounded and well versed in case I’d have to go in for a different part than I was used to. My left big toe ended up getting a blister that popped, so it was open and rubbing against my tights and toe of the greater part of rehearsal. I did my best despite but dang it hurt. 

There was a during corrections when I noticed Mrs Alex subtly standing up for me in a moment I decided not to say something, it that makes sense. Anyway. It was really nice. It felt really good to know that she saw that I knew what I was doing when what ms Munro saw was that we didn’t know what we were doing. (Half of our people were missing for that part, and one of the ones there has missed a lot of rehearsals so it was rough. Plus it was the new part.) then ms Munro complimented the covers on how well they were doing on jumping in to so many different parts and doing them well. She commented on how even though we won’t all be able to dance it, that we’ve been able to grow and learn and be able to become better dancers through this experience. I really appreciated her kind words and totally agree. I’m so grateful to be a part. It really meant a lot to hear it from her. 

There was also a moment when they were clarifying how to do this chug step. I wasn’t covering when they taught it, so I struggled to understand the fundementals of it. Mrs Alex took the time to break it down for me until I understood it, and the other girls were helpful as well so that I could do it correctly. And it may not even matter in the long run for the show, but for me as a person it matters. It makes me feel a sense of peace and takes away underlying frustrations being able to understand it. I really appreciate their time. 

Then after rehearsal she made a comment to me in passing, “you’ll have been just about every part by the end of this!” I was caugh of guard and didn’t know what to say, so I just said, “it’s fun!” As she walked by. And it so is! Even when it’s hard or painful or exhausting. It’s still fun. I still love this. I’m grateful for the experience. 

I think making my ticket quota was a huge weight off my shoulders. We know there’s a set amount we are required to sell, and it’s really not an unreasonable amount, but I was struggling to sell them this time around. So knowing that it happened really helped me relax about everything. One less thing to have to worry about! I think it makes me more excited, too, to have people that love me in the audience.

My family said that if for some reason I get to fill in for someone for a show, they’ll come. Which, if y’all have been a part of my blog for a while, you’ll know how much that means to me. They want to see what I’ve been working so hard on. They understand it might not happen and they’re okay with that too, maybe even relieved 😉 but just knowing that they are proud of me in this thing I love so much really means more than I have words for. And honestly, I don’t know if it would have gone that way had I been cast as a swan. 

So really, being a cover has been a gift. And I’m really starting to see that more now. And in thankful. 

I’ll be sad when it’s over. I won’t know what to do with myself when it’s over. But these last few weekends I have it i will cherish. 

Thanks to those of you reading this that are part of this experience. Y’all make it great! 

This entry was posted in dance.
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