Today wasn’t my first rehearsal as Queen, but it was my longest and most intense rehearsal so far. I think I learned everything I do today? I’m assuming anyway.
Since I was in the studio the entire rehearsal day either on stage as the Queen or sitting watching the rest of the scene after I exit, I had a lot of time to soak in everything happening.
It’s fun to reflect back on last time we did Swan Lake in 2016, but it’s also fun to take in all the moments that make this run so special.
I’ve grown a lot in the last 8 years as a person. Age (and therapy) will do that to you, but even so it’s been really such a great experience for me overall and i’m extremely grateful.
Some fun little moments I want to remember:
• Channeling my inner Miranda Priestly a la Devil Wears Prada while being the Queen. It’s fun to get to portray a character in a light that maybe isn’t true to your own form, plus it’s just hilarious to give these girls the fakest grin and most judgmental face knowing that they’re the sweetest things and also that i’m actually sitting there watching them shine from the literal best seat in the house.
• Hearing the comments some of the girls will whisper to me when they come near the throne in Act III.
• Laughing with Sean, who had been kindly filling in as the Prince and also doing his own part as Baron Von Rothbart. Seeing how he holds himself differently depending on the role is so fun and make getting to do this even more enjoyable. I’m so glad Sean is still dancing. He was the Rat King the year I was Rat Queen and has always been so kind and encouraging throughout the years. Plus getting to watch him improve and grow has been a delight.
• Seeing the younger dancers watching and imitating the older dancers, remembering back when the older dancers were themselves the younger dancers. The cycle continues, and these kids are in good hands.
• One of the little ones I didn’t teach coming up to me and saying, “I saw you yesterday taking pictures in your Queen costume” and telling me she thought they were beautiful. I melted. She’ll never know what that meant to me.
• Getting to know the other adults in the production. It brings my heart such joy to be able to spend time with them and hear their stories and how dance came into their lives. One of them is wearing my Huntswoman costume from last time that I adore, and it looks so great on her. Such cherished friendships being made.
• Having the dancers not only accept a correction i’ll give them, but also see them apply it. It feels good to know they want to be their best and that they feel my opinion holds any sort of weight. What’s more is the surprise I had when one of the older dancers asked if I had any corrections for her. I truly didn’t because it looked so flawless to me I was just sitting back and enjoying watching her dance—I seriously could watch her all day, she is a true delight—but I did promise to watch more closely and see if there’s anything I could get nit-picky about.
Overall, this show has made me feel valued, appreciated, and loved. It’s been so nice to be around these dancers and get to be a part and have fun with them. No show is perfect, but overall I truly feel that this experience is a positive one on the whole and for that i’m grateful.
We had our program pictures yesterday and, i’ll be honest, I was nervous. As much as I try to be, i’m still not where i’d like to be in regards to confidence since I gained weight waiting for surgery a couple years ago. It takes a fun little spiral since I can’t do much to control any of that given all my health issues, especially the fatigue, and I have just resigned to rarely look in the mirror to keep my mind from being unkind to me. The consequence is I forget that i’m in a bigger body now and it becomes a bit of a shock when I see pictures and am reminded. It’s not bad, not at all, i’m just adjusting and having to work through some mental blocks because of it. Growing up in the late 90s, early aughts, was quite a difficult time and many of the things drilled into my brain like to echo even one my most resilient of days.
Thankfully, Mrs Alex is a wizard with a camera and when she showed me the shots we got I didn’t recoil. I was actually quite pleased with them, even in seeing all the differences I have now from 3 years ago. It helped, which I truly wasn’t expecting. I expected to go into it with a blank mind and a numb outlook and likely disassociate through the whole thing to preserve my mental state, but I came out of it feeling content. Even so, it made me—maybe not hopeful, but perhaps a smidge less negative or fearful of the reality i’m facing in doing this. I don’t think i’ll be able to handle watching the recording for a while and i’m hoping that I don’t recoil at show pictures, but that’s something I can work on in the lead up as well. (Bless my therapist, yall.)
That being said, the fatigue is real and i’m feelin’ it. it’s so frustrating and honestly upsetting to be so exhausted over so little by comparison to what I used to be able to tolerate. I try not to be too hard on myself over something I can’t control, but some days are better than others.
Still, i’ll hold on to the beautiful moments, from which I have plenty to choose, and keep my heart open for the future moments that undoubtably lie ahead.
What a privilege.
Another Night at the Barre 