Cat to Canary

When I was a kid, i’d always wanted to learn ballet and earn pointe shoes. I was taken out of ballet class two years before I could get my pointe shoes, and thus at 23 decided it was now or never. I began classes with the goal of earning pointe shoes within two years, so by my 25th birthday. One week before, I got my permission slip.

My other childhood dream was to learn violin. I’m not entirely sure what about the violin drew me to it, but I do enjoy listening to stringed instruments and asked my parents if I could take lessons. Our neighbor was notorious for playing anything with a string, yet the lessons never happened.

At 23, when I was living on my own, making my own decisions with my life, I considered my two unfulfilled dreams. I decided to go with attempting ballet first, made a facebook post (el oh el) asking if anyone knew somewhere that taught adult beginners, and was given the name of Jilissa Cotten and her studio, Instep Dance Studios. If you’ve been around, you know the story.

At 35, i’m glad I went with ballet first, especially considering i’m no longer physically able to dance like before. I was given so many opportunities through ballet and in the dance world that little Emilee never even would have dared to dream, and had I waited I may never have been able to accomplish those.

But now, at 35, I have found someone who will teach a completely beginner adult violin.

Friends, today I bought my first violin.

I’ve had it in the back of my mind for a while, and even recently began telling my dream to some of the dance moms at the studios. Many of them homeschool and told me that the people who taught their kids also taught adults as many of the moms joined in their kids music classes. Still, I struggled to find someone who could teach me. That is, until I was at work at the courthouse one day.

There’s an office on the same floor as mine that has a lovely lady working in the office, Sylvia. I popped by one day to say hello and we got to talking and catching up when somehow violin was mentioned and she said her husband used to be a music professor. She also mentioned he teaches violin private lessons. I asked if he taught completely new beginners and she said, “all the time” and told me of a new navy pilot student he took on two years ago that’s thriving with the instrument now.

My eyes got as big as saucers as I realized, this was it. This was the opportunity i’d been hoping for. This was my chance. I told her i’d come back by after Swan Lake and talk to her again and that moment came last week. I got David’s number and gave him a rang on Tuesday, and starting this upcoming Wednesday, i’ll be learning the violin.

Today, I went to South Texas Music Mart, per David’s suggestion, and got my very first violin. I have yet to name her, but she’s beautiful and it still doesn’t quite feel real that she’s mine and this is all actually happening.

As I got ready to leave the house, I found myself incredibly nervous about going to buy the violin. I have no reason to be, of course, but new things tend to scare me. As I sat on the bed trying to hype myself up, going over in my head what David told me to get and ask for, I reminded myself of how much I wanted this. I also felt nervous calling David, but as soon as he answered I felt completely at ease, he just as excited as I am. “If I could do that”, I told myself, “I can buy this violin. I want this more than i’m afraid of it”.

I also reminded myself of that day back in 2011, when I was so nervous to email Instep Dance Studios about classes. I remember the reply I got from Leslie, and going in that first day, scared as scared could be, but doing it anyway. I wanted that more than I was afraid of it, too.

The person who helped me (I don’t know his name, but do know he has a sister named Emilee) was extremely kind and made me feel at ease about everything. He was honest and direct with the options, not pressuring me into buying something more expensive just for funsies. The other person working told me his wife is 34 and just got her first violin as well. He said his advice, as he had to learn violin for his degree, is to push down hard enough with the bow, play closer to the top, and to not be afraid of sounding like a dying cat at first. It’s part of the process. I replied with, “I guess you have to sound like a dying cat before you can sound like a canary”.

And you do. Beginning is so hard. Starting something and daring to not be good at it is difficult, especially when we’re older. I feel we’re expected to know what we’re doing with age, unlike childhood where people make room for mistakes as you’re learning literally everything in life for the first time. (Though some could due to remember this about children more than they do). We have to give ourselves permission to be beginners; to make mistakes, to play around, to figure things out, to ask questions when we don’t know the answer, to not be a natural at things.

I’m extremely excited today, the day I bought my first violin, but i’m sure there will be days when I want to throw it. Those days I have to remember how ballet was hard too, and the moments I panicked in corners because I didn’t understand, but that asking for help and continuing will get you out of those corners. You have to be brave enough to begin, and then remember that learning is downs as well as ups. The down days remind you why you want to be there and make the up days that much sweeter.

So, here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to childhood dreams being realized. Here’s to daring to try something new and be bad at it until you’re okay at it, and then be that until you’re good at it. Here’s to the hope of one day being great.

Here’s to sounding like a dying cat, so we can one day sound like a canary.