ballet – Another Night at the Barre

50th Anniversary Gala

As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the Grand Tier section, row AA (the best row) of Selena Auditorium watching rehearsal for our current show, Dracula. A good chunk of these dancers were at the Country Club last night, where I was also, attending the Corpus Christi Ballet 50th Anniversary Gala, which also celebrated Ms. Munro’s 40th anniversary of being with CCB. I’m, obviously, exhausted so I can’t even begin to imagine how they must feel.

This week has proved long and demanding, with Thursday’s rehearsals lasting late into the night–longer than typical for our spring shows–and Friday’s school show having an early call time. We thankfully didn’t have rehearsals Friday, as the school show acted as a rehearsal since we did the entire show for the school performance, which was a nice break for the girls to have a bit of time off.

Since I’m not in this show, I got to watch the school show performance from the audience. Dracula notoriously doesn’t sell very well in the school shows as it’s a bit darker and most of our attendees are elementary schools. We usually come up on the issue of school standardized testing happening around the same time as our Spring Performances every year, so shows don’t sell as well as Nutcracker regardless, but Dracula has its own extra layers. The show itself is absolutely wonderful story telling, and the dancers this year especially do a great job bringing it to life. Getting to watch from the audience during a performance was a real treat. Particularly, there’s a part where the Wolves come up from the back of the audience, and since the numbers were smaller, they didn’t notice it for longer than usual, and the reaction was absolutely perfect. Hearing the gasps and squeals and, in some instances, screams, was really fun for me. The audience was small, but they were gracious, giving the dancers plenty of reaction to play off. I sat with some of my favorite dance moms, many of whom have daughters I taught when I was still teaching. I don’t often get to see them for longer than answering questions in the office or a passing greeting, making this a really nice reprieve.

I had a few things to do at the studio between school show and the Gala, so it didn’t really make sense for me to drive all the way home, even though I was pretty wiped out at this point. I was grateful to have the ability to just sit during rehearsals, handling things from the auditorium as needed, but not having to climb stairs to dressing rooms and emote on stage, standing on the hard floors, like I usually do. The last few weeks have been particularly trying in my personal life, draining more energy than I’m used to emitting. I noticed I was feeling nauseated by 9pm, and dizzy by 9:30, solely because my body was telling me it was done. A far cry from what it used to be able to do, but that’s no surprise. I got home around midnight, and to bed around 1am, but my body woke up at 6 the next morning regardless.

I figured this would happen, the general anxieties of what goes into a show swirling around my head, trying to remember everything there is to remember, going over lists, all of it circling around and around in ways that don’t truly end until the show is over. I prepare for these things as much is possible, still there will be things you can’t predict or can’t do anything more to help except just take it as it comes and deal with the repercussions.

After school show, I went to lunch with some of my favorite people, then ran a few errands before going over to the studio. My phone was pinging with texts and calls from people about last nights Gala or show tickets or other various things to remember or handle or figure out. (Please appreciate that after I wrote the previous sentence, I had to pause to tell one group they were finished and didn’t have to stay, and then was asked to help rethread elastic in the pant legs of one of our youngest cast members. I was successful. Please hold your applause.) I told myself after I handled all the actual work I had to make myself lay down if I had any hope of surviving the night. After 20 minutes, I gave up the hope of sleep, but still stayed laying down, telling myself that bit of rest was better than nothing. I was nauseous and dizzy (this being 2:30pm) and tried to let myself not think about ballet stuff, but of course that was a hilarious notion. I had plugged my phone in to charge when I pretended to rest, so I grabbed it and had missed texts with people needing various things for the Gala, even just a few hours out. I did have the forethought of picking up ice cream during the errands I had to run before coming to the studio, and I was grateful I had. I sat on my floor, laptop propped up on a pillow, eating ice cream and handling business. An entire mood, really.

I got ready for the Gala at the studio, curling my hair, fully expecting it to fall before I arrived, and somehow managing to zip my dress up myself. It’s the little things, y’all. I was a bit nervous walking into the Gala, as attending an event like this isn’t something I have done in a good long while, the person I was back then being completely different from the person I am now, having to remind myself it is okay that I do not exist in a body now that looks like the body I existed in then. The old, familiar thoughts were ringing loud and clear, but I have the advantage of having been through a lot of therapy these days, and was able to face it all in spite of everything going on in my head. Thankfully, I arrived around the same time as my glorious assistant, Emily James, who walked in with me which gave me a bit more confidence having someone I trust alongside me.

We walked in the door of the Country Club, a place I’d never been, and the dancers who were there in tutus to help seat attendees saw us and almost collectively shouted, “Oh my God, Ms. Emilee!” going on about how much they loved my dress and how pretty I was, etc etc.

Listen. That’s not something I strive to hear from people or hang my hat on or whatever, but–especially in that moment–it was really nice to hear and gave me the extra confidence I needed to endure all the exhaustion and uncertainty of the night. I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear it continuously throughout the event, but it meant a lot, the voices of those I love helping reinforce the positive words I was trying to tell myself and drown out the ugly voices in my head pointing out all the flaws or thinking of opinions certain matriarchs may have if they were there or when I show them pictures, all of this typically more intense when i’m exhausted.

When the tutu-clad girls had changed into their own beautiful dresses for the night, they found me and asked for me to take pictures with them. This always makes me feel so good. So often I have felt I’ve had to really work hard to have a place in the environments I frequented, and most of my life I never quite felt like I found them and if I did it felt like it was just because of how I made the people feel or what I did for them, and not for who I am as a person or for what they also could offer to me in the friendship. Once I started setting boundaries, people began fading into the shadows, some slowly disappearing little by little, some essentially falling off the face of the planet. It felt like nothing was actually as it seemed, and I questioned the authenticity of most everything. Some people from previous seasons in my life have proven to be genuine, making the effort to stay connected even if it’s distantly as we navigate the natural ebbs and flows of life. Some of the girls I used to dance with will visit, making a point to come and see me and catch me up on their lives. I cherish these. Much like the dancers we have now that make sure we get pictures together, hyping me up and making me feel so loved–I am grateful.

One of the girls that was dancing a few levels above me when I first came to Munro was at the Gala last night. She graduated the year that ended up being my last year dancing with the company, and I haven’t seen her since (though her mom is one of my absolute favorite board members). It was so great seeing her, hearing about her life, catching her up on mine, and just spending time with her. A genuine soul, I got to tell her how its the fault of her and her mother that I’m at Munro as a twist of fate put the two of them at the same park I was in with another dancer for a photo shoot years ago, and we struck up a conversation where I told them my studio was closing and her mother told me about the great adult ballet classes at Munro. And here we are, 12 or so years later. Alex is just as kind now as she was when I first arrived on the scene, one of the girls that accepted me into the fold and was considerate of the new girl in town even though most people don’t know what to make of me. A true testament to the fact that what you do in your life, even if it seems small and unassuming, makes a difference in ways you may never even imagine.

Later on in the night, some of the younger-older girls approached me, asking me to come dance with them on the dance floor. There were about six of them in total and even though I am the epitome of an introvert with these things, I couldn’t resist. These girls are basically my nieces, some of them my former students or party girls or both, and having them requesting me to join them in what is arguably a right of passage for girls their age really fills my heart to feel chosen and know that these girls love me as much as I love them.

There was a moment where they were showing the mini documentary that was created in honor of Ms Munro (absolutely wonderfully done) where I looked around and took it all in. I thought about all the things I’ve been through and everything that has brought me to this moment. I thought about how lucky I am to be a part of this Company, surrounded by these people, and get to call this place a home. Ballet has been a big part of shaping me into the human I am, and this Company has played a huge role in that.

At this point of writing, I’m in the green room during our evening performance, various dancers coming and going with costume repairs or moral support needed, and I am more than happy to be there for these kids. Even now, some of my favorite people are lacing up costumes, one of them making sure I’m not working and when I explain about the blog and another asks if I’ll dance in other shows and I explain briefly about my health limitations and she says how she’s so glad that I’m here even still which really meant a lot to me. Now another group of my nuggets are here as it’s intermission and being chosen by so many loves makes me feel like maybe I’m doing something right in life.

On that note, I’m going to end this gushy post of sappiness so that I can add pictures and pay attention to my loves.

This is the life ❤

Nutcracker 2024

I feel like writing this post is something for which I have all and none of the words.

I was nervous going into this season. Last season held so many changes and differences that really made it difficult to endure. I was afraid that was the new norm and that Nutcracker would no longer be something I actually enjoyed, but rather something to which I was obligated. The thought of this broke my heart, and I started the season having to put my dog–my best friend–down on audition day. It was already not looking like it was going to be the favorite season of my life.

Now here we are at the end of it. Final bows have been taken, costumes have been hung, props put back into storage. Chapters have been written and signed off in the books of personal history, and here I am, bursting with gratitude.

The difficulty and struggle is not the new norm; it’s simply a blip on the radar of my experiences, something I endured and lived to tell the tale. This year felt redemptive. Of course, it wasn’t perfect, no experience ever is. Honestly, I think if it was, I wouldn’t value it as much. Something about a little struggle makes you really take inventory about how much something means to you. But this year is definitely one I treasure. I know I’m not the only one who feels a bit of redemption, many of the dancers have overcome their own personal challenges for which this year has brought them full circle as well.

Over the first weekend, we had CCB’s very first Clara and Fritz as our Mother Gingers. Mrs. Lori, my first ballet teacher when I came over to Munro, was that first Clara. I haven’t seen her since I took her class ten years ago and was a little worried she wouldn’t remember me. So much can happen in ten years, and she only knew me for that one year of it, leaving me uncertain. I banked on the fact that I look the exact same and got bold enough to say hi when she was talking to Ms. Munro and Mrs. Alex, needing to mention something to Mrs. Alex anyway. When she finished whatever story she was telling and noticed me standing there, she said, “Oh, my glittering girl!” and opened her arms wide to me. I melted like a little kid seeing her favorite teacher; so much of what I learned in her class are still things I apply when I teach students. She was the first teacher to really see me, and the first to point out my hips weren’t square. It was also that year I learned about my leg length discrepancy and the two curves in my spine and started using a shoe lift. Getting to see her backstage, practicing for Mother Ginger, deciding what character she would bring to the role and making sure everything was perfect brought a smile to my face. A professional, through and through.

Party Scene was so much fun. I had all new party boys for the first time this year, as my beloved Michael aged out of the role, which brings in different elements. Having an entirely new set of kids can be a challenge, but in this case it was so much fun. We laughed, made up little jokes throughout the scene, each kid bringing their own personality into it. It never once felt boring or redundant. At one point when John and I are dancing, I said, “This year is so much fun,” and he looked at me and replied, “I know you mean that, because you don’t always say that.” And he’s right. Of course there’s bits I enjoy about every year, and I love my party kids so much, but some years the joy comes more easily, and this was one of those years. From doing the Macarena during the interlude music, to joking that the doll box smoke was Joshua farting, to “this cake doesn’t have nuts”, to Aubrey actually falling asleep in the scene where they’re supposed to pretend, to learning the new kids slang–it’s all been so wonderful.

This is my tenth season with the Corpus Christi Ballet, and I truly believe that it was the best season we’ve had since I’ve been here. Everyone was on their A game, working really hard and dedicating their all to make the show beautiful. It fills my heart with pride to see these dancers rise in their potential. The Clara’s, of course, but also the other roles as well. Many, many of the dancers really seemed to come into their own between last year and this year and it’s excited to watch and speculate where they may go from here. Having been here this many years now, I’ve gotten to see the young ones grow up to be the older ones. Speculations at the beginning have been realized, and getting to see that development is beautiful. There does need to be special compliments paid to the Clara’s, though. All four of those girls really worked their tails off, giving performances that were utter delights to watch each night, supporting and helping each other, and fully embodying the joy of the character. It was like seeing each of their little kid versions living their best lives out there on stage–I’m getting goosebumps just remembering it!

My second season with CCB, I was Rat Queen. Three of my mice are still dancing, two of whom are Seniors this year. I’ve managed to actually let my cold, dead heart thaw a few times the last couple weeks, and one of them was in watching Kaitlyn and Paige dance in Dew Drop (in a trio with Magen), knowing that these nuggets that have been here with me nearly my entire time here are now not only the incredibly talented dancers they are, but are such wonderful people to boot. They are kind and considerate, funny and creative, and positive influences on the younger dancers who watch them with eyes full of wonder. That’s the beautiful thing about the current state of the studio; the older dancers have a grasp of their influence and use their “powers” for good. Seeing them interact with the younger dancers, knowing what it means to them and knowing they know it too, is something that warms my heart.

My absolute favorite thing is the one rehearsal when we don’t have Cherubs, Angels, or Cooks, so the Company girls have started filling in while the music plays so Drosselmeyer and Clara have someone to play off of. It’s hilarious watching them in their various costumes, and adorable now remembering how some of these girls were once these very roles not so long ago. (also hilarious seeing which ones boss the others around on where they’re supposed to be at different parts in the scene.)

I also loved getting to see some of my friends from when I was dancing who came back to visit and/or watch for the 50th anniversary. Moving on is a part of life, but it means so much when they’re able to come back, especially when they take a moment to say hello. I still tell stories of memories we made during our years, and try to keep up on social media, but I’ve become more removed from that in recent days which makes it more difficult to keep up. Just thinking of them makes me so happy.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me this past weekend to be standing around during party scene, and to have Kaitlyn J, Paige, Alenka, McKenna, and whoever else was there call me over because they wanted pictures with me. Usually I jump in to theirs, or make them take pictures with me (they have yet to protest), but this time they asked me and suddenly I felt way cooler than I ever have any business feeling. These girls we have truly are such wonderful people. Not only the ones I’ve mentioned, either. They’re supportive and kind and helpful and just delights to be around. One of my favorite parts of any show was hearing them cheer for each other, supporting their friends in whatever role they happened to have, giving encouragement, holding each other up. So often people get caught up in competition with each other, but these girls are girls girls. I’m so proud of them.

I teared up at different points every single night, but on the drive in to the last show, one lone, dramatic tear managed to escape my eye at the thought of how special this cast and this experience really is. I have more stories than I could ever truly tell, but each of them have a home in my heart. My life is a pretty dark place on the regular, and it’s easy for me to feel rather consumed by it. But as I told my therapist, “My life is dark, but these kids are the light.” Seeing the wide eyed tiny dancers, hearts full of dreams; the slightly older dancers whose eyes are still wide yet are starting to come into their own, mapping out the stories of their lives; the older dancers whose dreams have now been realized, soaking up every moment of this experience that has been so much of their lives all these years, it’s all enough to melt even the coldest of hearts. I’m so proud of them, of who they’ve grown and are growing to be. I’ve loved getting to know their parents and families and having the privilege of being even the smallest of parts in their stories. Seeing them feel so fulfilled is in turn so extremely fulfilling.

And the greatest gift I could have been given this year is the hope with which I’m left.
This, the kindness and joy, is the norm. This is what I have to look forward to in future seasons. This is why I keep coming back. This is what fills my heart and makes my life feel like it has a greater purpose.

This is the light in my darkness. I’m not foolish enough to think that I’ll always have it, especially since I almost lost it once already, but I’m grateful for every moment and memory that I do have it, and for every person I get to meet along the way.

An ode to Clara

Nutcracker season is upon us once again.

I don’t write as frequently as I did when I began this blog, but I do find there are certain moments or happenings that beg my fingers to dance across the keyboard and memorialize the moments happening before me. Last weekend was one of those times.

Our cast list came out a couple weeks ago at this point, and when anyone asked me who I thought would get the role of Clara, I gave noncommittal answers, partially because anything can happen, and partially because I had no clue. Sure, I had my personal hopes and assumptions, and maybe part of me didn’t want to jinx anything, but I truly felt they could take it so many different ways that it was impossible to guess what decision they would land on. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to come up with the cast list–it’s a job I definitely don’t envy.

When I saw the cast list, I was stunned into a shocked silence, which didn’t matter considering I was alone in my house watching Mary Tyler Moore therefore no one knowing the difference in my reaction. I was stunned in the best way, each of these girls having such a special place in my heart. So special that I’m dedicating this blog post solely to them.

First up, Lilly S.
Lilly was my party girl the second year I was a party mom. Back then, the loss of dancing was still pretty fresh, but I remember being so excited to have her and Lola as my “children” (Lola’s real dad being my party husband). They were so cute and tiny back then, but even in those early days they showed promise and talent. I taught Lilly’s little sister, who was five-turning-six at the time, and I even attended her birthday that year, her mom now being one of my closest friends.
I’ve had the immense privilege of watching Lilly grow up all these years between. I’ve stayed with her and her sister overnight when their parents go out of town, “stolen” her for different fun days out, and given her rides home. When I was still teaching, she and Lola were my assistants for a few years in a row, becoming vital parts of my ability to get through those times when my health was at its worst. Lilly (likely) would have been Clara two years ago, but unfortunately she suffered a mishap when she dislocated her kneecap during her school’s dance class mere days before auditions. It was a complete unexpected accident and it baffled all of us. I watched Lilly as she recovered, both physically and emotionally, and saw her cheer on her friend’s successes when I knew she must also be grieving her own loss. She was so impressive and admirable to witness her grit and determination, facing her fears in the comeback, and even jumping in to a role she hadn’t done in years when a Polichinelle got sick one weekend (and we have to have 8 Polichinelles!) She dedicated herself to her physical therapy, joining in on our spring show of Cinderella and setting her sights on the next year’s Nutcracker auditions. Surely, this would be her year, right?
As luck would have it, wrong. Lilly made it through auditions beautifully, full of pride and hope, only to have her kneecap dislocate the next day at a rehearsal for our dance festival we attend in the spring. Absolutely gutted, not to mention shocked, she found herself in this position again. Doctors told her she didn’t need surgery, but they got a second opinion–the last thing she wanted was for this to happen a third time. She bravely faced surgery, joined Nutcracker that year as a Maid again, and watched on as her friends fulfilled the dreams she so deeply also hoped to one day fulfill only to have two straight years of setback. When I say I hope to be half the person Lilly is, I mean it. She has such grit and determination and such a love for her friends. She never once complained or lamented her luck, she rolled with the punches and followed doctors orders and now finally this is her year. A redemption story for the books. She is opening night on Gala weekend of the 50th anniversary show and gets to perform a school show. That usually doesn’t happen, since Gala weekend is typically the second weekend of shows, but in a twist of fate, she gets all these wonderful experiences she wouldn’t have had if she had been Clara either of the two years before. I feel for Lilly its a true “absence makes the heart grow fonder” situation where she appreciates being able to bring this role to life in a way most people will never know.

Next, Jackie.

Jackie is my first former student to be cast as Clara. Where Lilly was my former party girl, she’s the second former party girl to be Clara. Jackie is the first former student–someone I will reference for the rest of my days when I speak of Nutcracker much like I do when I tell everyone that Brooke was the first party girl. She joins a rank of my personal story that only so many can reach. I first started teaching Jackie when I subbed her class on a Saturday when she was seven. I tried to go back and see if I blogged about that class since it was such a memorable one, but I wrote so much back then I kept getting distracted and it was difficult to sort through (It was the 2016-2017 dance year, and it would be a Saturday subbed class where she called me “Supergirl”, if you want to take a stab at it). Even back then, I could tell Jackie loved dance and had a decent enough amount of skill. The next dance year, the teacher who usually taught her class had moved and I requested to teach the class in hopes Jackie would enroll in it again. When the year started and she wasn’t on my role sheet, I was so sad. Did she quit dancing? Maybe she just moved to the weekday classes–that would be good for her since she shows promise, I can’t be mad if that’s what happened. I let it go. About a month later, in walks Jackie, After class her mom told me, “We wanted to be in your class but I realized I didn’t know your name, I only knew you as Supergirl! It took me all this time to figure out who you actually are!” I’ll never let Jackie live this one down! Since then, I’ve kept up with her, even after I stopped dancing. I’d find her at recital and backstage of Nutcracker when I could. She joined spring shows my first season back post-covid-shut-down-year, which was the season I almost didn’t come back for (thank you Catherine and Macey for convincing me) and I remember seeing her as the highest level villager and making everyone notice her feet, as if they could ignore how great they are. Last summer, Jackie asked to do private lessons with me, and we worked diligently. I wish I had documented where she was in the beginning versus the end because the difference is impressive. Whereas at the beginning she struggled doing a single pirouette en pointe, by the end she was doing fairly consistent doubles. She improved by leaps and bounds, her dedication evident, the type of student a teacher loves having. At one point last season, Jackie told me, “You’re like the Taylor Swift of CCB” and that is a compliment I will carry the rest of my life. An honor truly. She’s also told me that she doesn’t get nervous having Ms. Munro or Mrs. Alex watching her, but when I do she does, “because I know you’re watching me, not just watching everyone” and she’s right. When I sneak in to a rehearsal, I watch the kids I work with so I know what we need to address or correct next time. If the student is teachable, I give them corrections right then and there because I know they’ll take them and apply them and honestly, when they get older and watch the recordings, I don’t want them to see these simple things we can easily fix. I want them to look back and think, “Wow, I was really good!” That’s the goal. She’s never let me down so far! Jackie is one of those kids you know absolutely loves ballet, one you don’t have to remind to work at home because it’s evident that she does, one who comes the next lesson prepared so we’re able to build instead of revisiting things we’d previously fixed. I was hoping they’d pick her this year, my assumption being that they were watching her considering the specific corrections she had gotten last season. Having her chosen this year is so rewarding, knowing how hard she’s worked and how much it means to her. Truly deserved.

Next up, Lilli G.

Lilli is a nugget I first met when she was a party girl the year that was supposed to be my last year as party mom. She wasn’t my party girl, but she is one I remember. A cute little thing in the green dress, she’s in the picture I posted with my “last” blog post, looking up at me in the back of a little pack of girls on stage. I love that picture so much. When I started working in the office, she was one I got to know that first season. An absolute bundle of joy, I looked forward to her saying hi to me when she’d get there for rehearsals, her mom a dance mom I looked forward to seeing. Lilli is such an encourager, but also a kid who takes no crap–a beautiful balance. Last spring, after Cinderella, I asked her and her mom if I could work with Lilli in the summer. I could see she had so much potential but felt like she was just getting lost in the fold. I didn’t know if it would help, but I wanted to try. They enthusiastically agreed, and Lilly showed up diligently, eager to work each lesson. The first thing I noticed when we went through barre is she 100% knows what she’s doing. She has the ability, she has the knowledge, but there was some sort of disconnect when we got to center. We worked that summer on finding how to hold her positions and which muscles to use given her hyper mobility and finding the different ways to think about the steps we were doing in a way that leant to what we were trying to accomplish. She worked her butt off, and by the end of summer had shown so much improvement. We also talked through the emotional and mental side of dance, discussing strategies to set ourselves up for success in such a complex environment. I showed her some of the Clara phrases in hopes she’d feel more prepared going into auditions and would have a basis of confidence. Auditions came and went, and she didn’t feel good about it at all. She got her roles, took them gracefully, made the most of it. She enjoyed the year as much as she could while sorting through everything else that comes with disappointment. I stood on the sidelines, watching and correcting mainly because I knew she’d take it. And she did, she’d take it and improve and by the time show day came she looked fantastic. Gone were the days of standing out for quirks in technique and here she was, a proper corps de ballet dancer that blended in as you’re supposed to. No matter the outcome, I was proud of her. I knew she worked hard even when her heart was sad and she made the most of it all to (in my opinion) great success. This summer came and went, auditions happened, and Lilli goes in filled to the brim with confidence. She comes out smiling ear to ear, “I decided I wasn’t going to worry about it and was just gonna have fun!” and you could tell she truly did. Then, my dog died, and I mention that because it wrecked me in ways I never expected or could have prepared for. That first day I was able to drive by the ER vet, I arrived to my location to have a text from Lilli waiting for me. She had written a speech for class and sent me a picture of it. It was about her ballet story, how we worked together last summer, how difficult that season was, and how she decided to take what I had said to heart and went in to this years auditions with a clear mind and a heart full of confidence. I cried. It meant so much to me, and especially in that moment was something that really brought me to a place of grounding. There’s not much more rewarding as an instructor or teacher or mentor or what-have-you than seeing your student put in the work and succeed. Whatever “success” looks like to them, it is the joy of my life seeing their hard work pay off. They do that. They could just as easily take what I say and shove it in the bottom of the depths of their dance bag never to see the light of day again. They can drag their feet and be mad at the world when things don’t go their way. They can let it go in one ear and out the other. Or they can apply it, see what happens, put in the effort, and give it their best shot. Is it a guarantee that things will work in their favor? Not at all. There’s so much of life not in our control, we can only do what we can do. However, if we don’t do what we’re able, it’s a guarantee that it will never happen. Lilli was one I was really hoping would get the role, but I didn’t know if she would. I felt more confident with her confidence after auditions, but still you just never know. When I saw her name, that’s when I was stunned. I wouldn’t say “shocked” because I knew she was capable, but “stunned” because everything she worked so hard for, everything she’d hoped for actually finally happened. She did it. She showed up and showed them and they saw. For most of my life I have been someone who was overlooked, the memories of it still sting even all these years removed. I know much of it was simply school politics, but in a sense knowing I couldn’t control it made it more difficult. This felt redemptive. I knew she was in an environment that is fair. It’s unpredictable, but its fair, and that if she really worked hard she had a chance. Seeing her success is absolutely rewarding.

and finally, Khloe.

Khloe was new to me that first season back after I almost quit. She was cast as a party girl, even though she was one of the older girls (the gift of being shorter, I guess) that year, which was her first Nutcracker. Its easier for me to get to know the new girls if their party girls, and she seemed like such a sweetheart. Always attentive, polite, kind, she definitely made a good impression. She’s one of the quieter girls, but over the last few seasons I’ve gotten to be around her more and get to know her. I started noticing her dancing that spring show after her first Nutcracker, she being in the same group as Jackie. They were two of what I would consider the leaders, although I don’t know how things were officially. I just noticed that they were two who were confident and knew what they were doing and that other dancers looked to them when they were uncertain. I watched her the last two seasons I’ve been working at the studio, seeing her potential. That first season I was backstage for the studio’s recital and remember being absolutely blown away by her in this lyrical piece some of my girls were in. They said their goal was to make me cry, and they succeeded–one solitary tear. Khloe specifically showed so much emotion, making this dance her own, really conveying to the audience what they wanted to drive home. This last season, I watched her a little more closely. During Swan Lake, I got to sit on the throne as the Queen, giving me the best seat in the house for that Act. Khloe was Neapolitan and while the whole group did well, the timing at the end of the dance was something they struggled with. Not Khloe. She and the girl next to her, in my opinion, carried that dance. Her face absolutely beaming, her choreography confident. There was not a moment where she questioned what she was doing and it showed. Even in rehearsals, she retained the steps and was able to help others when they weren’t so sure. I knew Khloe was a good dancer, a great jumper. I knew she had potential, but this was when I really started watching her. As I said in the beginning, I had no clue how this years casting was going to go, but I was hoping Khloe was one they were watching and seeing as well and when I read her name I was so pleased to see it. She absolutely deserves this role and I have not a single doubt whatsoever that she will make everyone proud with her performance.

This past weekend, the Clara’s had their costume fittings. I got to be there for it and though it’s not the first time I’ve been there for a Clara costume fitting, this one was absolutely surreal. These girls I’ve essentially watched grow up, filled with hopes and dream, were now the ones getting to live it. The light in their eyes and the excitement emanating from their every being was a delight. Seeing the moms that were there tearing up was so precious, knowing what this means to them as well.

That evening, they did a rehearsal with just them. I know Jackie says I make her nervous and I didn’t peek in at auditions for that very reason, but now that she has the role I’m gonna watch, hah! All four of them did so well it blew my mind. I don’t know that I’ve watched the Clara rehearsal before to have anything to compare it to, but I was so happy with what I saw. Each of the girls took to the choreography like a fish to water. They all four get along so well and are helpful to each other, making sure each gets a turn in things they share and helping each other understand more complex bits. I popped in and watched a bit of Snow which impressed me on the whole, arguably looking the best this early on possibly of any of the years I’ve watched or been involved and the Clara’s were no exception.

Last year’s season was a difficult one for me personally, and I was a smidge anxious going in to this year not knowing if it would be much the same. So far, however, I’m having the time of my life, absolutely thrilled with how well all the girls are doing and enjoying seeing each of them step into their own and tackle their roles. I’m excited to be excited and hopeful about this year, letting myself dare to not be afraid of the things I can’t predict, reminding myself I’m surrounded by such wonderful people, and reveling in the fact such wonderful things are happening on an anniversary year.

I’m so excited to see what is to come throughout this season, and hopefully will be able to post a blog or two to have to look back on.

Swan Lake 2.0

Had you asked me on Wednesday if I was excited about Swan Lake, I would have said no.

I would have been thinking how i’m rethinking if I should have agreed to be a part at all, if I should have told my family to come, uncertain if I would regret any and everything that doesn’t involve behind the scenes stuff.

I love being on stage, I love being part of productions, I miss all of this so much. But with Swan Lake, there was so much riding on it. We did this show 8 years ago—I was a swan cover, an “ugly duckling” as we called ourselves—and I had high hopes of making this show the redemption arc I never expected.

Here we are, Swan Lake 2024 officially behind us, i’m laying in my bed with my feet up and I can officially said, it was everything I dared to hope it could be.

I definitely didn’t feel confident going into theater week. I still was so unsure of what I was doing, which made me anxious. I had yet to do it correctly and knew the Prince would be here and he probably would be relying on me for guidance on the acting bits. How could I teach him something I didn’t know myself?

Plus, there was a smidge of anxiety for a few things office-wise that I couldn’t predict in how they would go. Ads make me so nervous, but thankfully I haven’t heard of any being incorrect or missing. (I haven’t checked the emails, but still.) i’m hoping each show that goes well, the anxiety will lessen a little and i’ll feel more confident than afraid.

We rehearsed Thursday for the school show, which is a shortened version—Acts 3 & 4. Act 3 was the one I was most nervous about coming out of studio rehearsals since I couldn’t seem to get the faint correct. Thankfully, having The Prince there seemed to do the trick. I messed up one bit, but we were able to figure it out and once I fixed it, the school show went off without a hitch. Friday I was daring to start to feel a smidge of confidence. After the school show, I went out to find a school that had a backstage tour and got caught by a bunch of kids filing out of the auditorium. I guess i’m so used to being a party mom where the kids hardly register you even existed on stage, so when they all were absolutely enamored by my presence, my cold dead heart started to melt. they all wanted hugs, high fives, and pictures. They told me I did great, told me my costume was pretty, that I looked beautiful. I allowed myself to listen to and accept these compliments instead of listening to the doubt that’s been plaguing my thoughts for weeks. (my therapist would be proud. shout out, Dr Barnes!) Kids are honest—they wouldn’t say those words, have those reactions, if they didn’t mean it. I chose to believe them and dare to hope.

Saturday I was nervous because my family was coming. my parents have never seen me as party mom, i’ve never asked them to come, but I asked them for this since it was a substantial acting part. I wanted to do it justice, but I was still nervous I would forget something or mess up the timing. I kept a cheat sheet on me that had notes for both of the acts I was in so I could reference before I went on stage.

By today, the reference sheet was more a superstition than a necessity. John (the prince) and I had it down and both felt confident, and I was able to visualize everything I was supposed to do in my head without referencing the cheat sheet. Because of that, I was able to really get into it and allow myself to be confident in what I was doing. As the rehearsals carried on, I recognized the corrections I was getting sounded like they were due to a lack of confidence. I see it in dancers I work with—they have the skills, and what they do is good enough, but if they could just have that bit of confidence in themselves and their training, it would take it to the next level. I decided to take my own advice.

My brain is still a bit mush, so all of this is way out of order, but i’m going to reference some of the little moments I want to remember; the little things that really stuck with me and helped make this whole show and experience one worth remembering.

First off, on Saturday I was talking with Mrs Alex and Ms Munro about some semi-serious issue we were trying to resolve. As I went to text the person who was being the voice box for us with it, I noticed a text from my friend Kelly. it said, “SOGNED CDS LIMIT 1 PER”.

Mid conversation, I instantly went to Taylor Swift’s website and clicked the merch store. Kelly, as well as another friend (also named Kelly), was keeping an eye out for signed stuff and offered to get me one since she knew my weekend would be extremely busy. the fact she text me, and I happened to see it right away, wasn’t on stage, wasn’t consoling a dancer or doing something business-y that couldn’t be interrupted was a stroke of luck. I got it in my cart, fought the captcha, and managed to secure the signed cd. Ms Munro asked if I sent the text and I said, “one second, taylor swift is releasing signed cds” and they just said, “okay!” and waited. I love where I work, lemme tell ya. I got the goods, text the person I needed to text, and all was right in the world.

Also, that morning I managed to get my fake eyelashes on perfectly first try. this never happens! it felt like a good omen of sorts. Follow that up with scoring the signed stuff—I was really starting to feel good.

Saturday’s rehearsal went well and seemed to iron out all the wrinkles in everything. I didn’t give the flowers too early, we filled all of our time well, everything seemed to be falling into place. Mix that with the high I was riding from school show when I went off stage after act 3 and Ms Munro said, “that was great!” I about fainted for real. Aloria heard it, so I know it wasn’t a figment of my imagination, and I told her to put it on my tombstone. Also, I found it super stinking cute that when Ms Munro gave me a correction at rehearsals, she wouldn’t call out my role, she’d say, “Queenie”. I would love for this to stick.

Throughout all of this, the sweet Villagers really made it for me. There’s about 60 of them in total, ranging in age from 8-14 years old. I absolutely loved that they would come up to me backstage, curtsy, and say something like, “your majesty” while giggling. It absolutely made me feel way more at ease about it all having them all there, believing in me and cheering me on. Kids whose names i’m not even sure of (and I try really hard to know all their names) would come up and hug me every time they saw me. It felt so good to have all of that. Plus, when I came on stage, it translated and made it super fun to interact with them all as I entered and exited stage. This is the next generation. This is the next group I get to watch grow up, and i’m excited for it.

Today’s show, especially, we were all backstage before curtain call taking pictures with each other. It was so sweet to see the girls getting pictures together, seeing the groups ebb and flow and people be included. It made me feel way cooler than I have any right to feel when they’d ask me to be in pictures with them. I’ve watched these girls grow up and am so proud of them; to have them want me in their memories too? I’m not worthy!

They’ve also been some of my biggest supporters, which has been so rewarding. Having them believe in me helped me to believe in myself, which is a gift.

This year was also a big year for graduating dancers. One of our biggest groups to date are either graduating or in college but not coming back for one (valid) reason or another. I tried not to think too much about it—denial, I guess—but at the end of the show today, it hit.

Some of these girls have been dancing in shows since my first one ten years ago. i’ve watched them grow up from tiny little villagers themselves, now to soloists, constant figures in my memories. Some of them were my party girls, some were my assistants when I taught classes, even. Most of my dance memories include them to some degree. It’s an odd thing, having come into dance as an adult and realizing something that I knew was true but hits different this year—this is these dancer’s childhoods. I’ve been here, a spectator, watching them learn and grow and become such wonderful people—what a privilege! It’s not the first group of girls i’ve danced with that have graduated, but it feels different now. These aren’t just my “peers”, kids I dance alongside. These kids feel like my nieces, like family, constants, and now they’re all going off in different directions to figure out who they are and what life has to offer them. To say i’m proud of them truly is an understatement. They have been delights to have every week, and seeing how much they’ve grown as people as well as dancers…it’s been my honor. (and yall better come see me when you’re in town or else i’ll riot. and i’m the queen. so like. what I say goes.)

(but for real, I love yall to bits and am so proud of each of you.)

My favorite part of being the Queen was getting to sit on the throne the entire act 3. I swear, i’m spoiled now; having the best seat in the house at the front of the stage, watching my friends dance so well, making eye contact, whispering encouraging words when I could, getting to give my honest facial reactions because it’s part of being a character actor, making eye contact occasionally—I smiled so hard my cheeks hurt. I only wish I could have taken pictures while sitting there. The moments I got to witness are precious to me. So many triumphs.

While sitting there, Von Rothbart would be next to me at times. we would make casual, in character conversation, the funniest of which is a joke none of us can remember. I made some off handed remark that made James laugh so hard, but he had to stay in character with a serious straight face, which of course made it funnier. We had such a good time, Sean and I joking about “trade relations” or whatever other jokes we could make throughout. it was so much fun.

I also appreciated John Mingle, our prince. He is such a professional which made everything go so smoothly this weekend. People would compliment me on my acting, but honestly I was able to do what did because he gave me so much to work with. It was easy for me to pretend my son was going through everything the prince goes through when he’s showing me the pain in his face as Odile betrays him. This goes for so many of the dancers as well. Both of our Odile’s are great actresses, which made interacting with them come easy. Mix that in with the Court Ladies and all the dancers from the different countries acting and reacting—it made my job easier, and more fun!

I was super grateful to be in a dressing room with some of my favorite people. One of them I knew before Swan Lake but the other two I met because of the show. it was so refreshing and encouraging to know that I would be around those lovely women who were kind, helpful, hilarious, and would check in on me to make sure I wasn’t overdoing anything. To know that room was a safe place no matter what happened this weekend was a gift. I could be my weird, morbid, exhausted, unfiltered self and it was just fine. I cherish them so deeply.

I was also so happy to see who came out to the show. Saturday, my sweet Alexis came and found me in the dressing room. I was so moved by this. so often you dance with these girls, spend so much time with them, then they go off to become their own adults and you never see them. sometimes they’ll come back to watch a show, but if so I rarely get to see them. When I do, it’s so incredibly special. The fact she sought me out specifically? I became a puddle. Alexis is a gem; i’m so proud of the person she is and love all the experiences we’ve gotten to have throughout dance. She was one of my first little ones to grow up and fly and i live in awe of her every day. My heart is so happy.

I also got to see Krystal, who was the Queen when we did Swan Lake in 2016. It was her shows that I watched the recordings of to figure out what the heck I was supposed to be doing. I was so grateful for them because she did such a great job it made it easy for me to try to copy and emulate. If anything, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it justice. When I saw her she told me how hard it was for her because she felt like she didn’t know what she was doing; that she was told that she was doing it wrong but no one could tell her how to do it right. I was so glad to hear this, because I felt the same, but when watching her she looked so regal I found myself wondering how in the world she managed to do it and if they gave her exact directions. She looked to confident. To know she felt everything I did in the lead up was so extremely helpful. i’m grateful.

I also got to see my family, former dancers Grace and Jasmine, Alexis and her mom, another mom i’m not supposed to admit because her daughter would be so mad she went without her, my sweet co worker Joanna, my quilting friends Robin, R2, and Bryan, as well as so many sweet dance friends and former students. it made me so happy.

i’m also so grateful to have Elizabeth and Chrisi. Elizabeth was Odette and Chrisi was Odile on Sunday and for school show. Last time we did Swan Lake, Elizabeth was a huge support for me in my disappointment with it all. I ended up going in as a swan when someone got hurt and was so thrilled that I got to dance a scene with Elizabeth. Now that I was the Queen, it was so rewarding having Elizabeth there to celebrate with me, knowing how much this full circle meant for me. I cherish her. I was also so thrilled because Chrisi came to us after I had to stop dancing, and I was so sad to not have had a scene with her properly. With this show, we had an entire act—and one that played to both of our strengths. We both had the same Theater Director, the legend Charlotte Brown, and for both of us to get to flex our acting chops in the same scene was so rewarding. I was so grateful to have this completion of dancing in scenes with my friends, an opportunity I may not have had otherwise.

What a wonderful experience to have, living this life. I never would have guessed 8 years ago that I would have the opportunity to be in Swan Lake again—I never expected to be in it the first time! and this show specifically since the day after the show ended in 2016 was the day I woke up and have never felt the same since. That show weekend was my last weekend as a “normal” human, as far as health goes. Two years later I was pricing wheelchairs, giving up teaching, figuring out how to give up this thing I loved, that i’d fought so hard for, that i’d struggled to find my place in. Now, here I am, working here, surrounded by ballet, completely immersed in it, finding such fulfillment in being a part of this world I so dearly love.

These kids will grow up, and more with come in as tiny little things, wearing the costumes they wore, learning the steps they knew, and i’ll get to watch them grow up, too. and getting to be a part of that is a privilege I hope to never take for granted.

had to add on these fantastic pictures Lola got on a digital camera. because, ya know, kids these days love the vintage feel of a digital camera. and now I feel 87.

Queen Rehearsals.

Today wasn’t my first rehearsal as Queen, but it was my longest and most intense rehearsal so far. I think I learned everything I do today? I’m assuming anyway.

Since I was in the studio the entire rehearsal day either on stage as the Queen or sitting watching the rest of the scene after I exit, I had a lot of time to soak in everything happening.

It’s fun to reflect back on last time we did Swan Lake in 2016, but it’s also fun to take in all the moments that make this run so special.

I’ve grown a lot in the last 8 years as a person. Age (and therapy) will do that to you, but even so it’s been really such a great experience for me overall and i’m extremely grateful.

Some fun little moments I want to remember:

• Channeling my inner Miranda Priestly a la Devil Wears Prada while being the Queen. It’s fun to get to portray a character in a light that maybe isn’t true to your own form, plus it’s just hilarious to give these girls the fakest grin and most judgmental face knowing that they’re the sweetest things and also that i’m actually sitting there watching them shine from the literal best seat in the house.

• Hearing the comments some of the girls will whisper to me when they come near the throne in Act III.

• Laughing with Sean, who had been kindly filling in as the Prince and also doing his own part as Baron Von Rothbart. Seeing how he holds himself differently depending on the role is so fun and make getting to do this even more enjoyable. I’m so glad Sean is still dancing. He was the Rat King the year I was Rat Queen and has always been so kind and encouraging throughout the years. Plus getting to watch him improve and grow has been a delight.

• Seeing the younger dancers watching and imitating the older dancers, remembering back when the older dancers were themselves the younger dancers. The cycle continues, and these kids are in good hands.

• One of the little ones I didn’t teach coming up to me and saying, “I saw you yesterday taking pictures in your Queen costume” and telling me she thought they were beautiful. I melted. She’ll never know what that meant to me.

• Getting to know the other adults in the production. It brings my heart such joy to be able to spend time with them and hear their stories and how dance came into their lives. One of them is wearing my Huntswoman costume from last time that I adore, and it looks so great on her. Such cherished friendships being made.

• Having the dancers not only accept a correction i’ll give them, but also see them apply it. It feels good to know they want to be their best and that they feel my opinion holds any sort of weight. What’s more is the surprise I had when one of the older dancers asked if I had any corrections for her. I truly didn’t because it looked so flawless to me I was just sitting back and enjoying watching her dance—I seriously could watch her all day, she is a true delight—but I did promise to watch more closely and see if there’s anything I could get nit-picky about.

Overall, this show has made me feel valued, appreciated, and loved. It’s been so nice to be around these dancers and get to be a part and have fun with them. No show is perfect, but overall I truly feel that this experience is a positive one on the whole and for that i’m grateful.

We had our program pictures yesterday and, i’ll be honest, I was nervous. As much as I try to be, i’m still not where i’d like to be in regards to confidence since I gained weight waiting for surgery a couple years ago. It takes a fun little spiral since I can’t do much to control any of that given all my health issues, especially the fatigue, and I have just resigned to rarely look in the mirror to keep my mind from being unkind to me. The consequence is I forget that i’m in a bigger body now and it becomes a bit of a shock when I see pictures and am reminded. It’s not bad, not at all, i’m just adjusting and having to work through some mental blocks because of it. Growing up in the late 90s, early aughts, was quite a difficult time and many of the things drilled into my brain like to echo even one my most resilient of days.

Thankfully, Mrs Alex is a wizard with a camera and when she showed me the shots we got I didn’t recoil. I was actually quite pleased with them, even in seeing all the differences I have now from 3 years ago. It helped, which I truly wasn’t expecting. I expected to go into it with a blank mind and a numb outlook and likely disassociate through the whole thing to preserve my mental state, but I came out of it feeling content. Even so, it made me—maybe not hopeful, but perhaps a smidge less negative or fearful of the reality i’m facing in doing this. I don’t think i’ll be able to handle watching the recording for a while and i’m hoping that I don’t recoil at show pictures, but that’s something I can work on in the lead up as well. (Bless my therapist, yall.)

That being said, the fatigue is real and i’m feelin’ it. it’s so frustrating and honestly upsetting to be so exhausted over so little by comparison to what I used to be able to tolerate. I try not to be too hard on myself over something I can’t control, but some days are better than others.

Still, i’ll hold on to the beautiful moments, from which I have plenty to choose, and keep my heart open for the future moments that undoubtably lie ahead.

What a privilege.

I’m just so happy yall.

If you know me, you know i’m prone to reflection.

If you’ve been here a while (or just found me recently and have found yourself down a rabbit hole), you’ll know about my experiences with Swan Lake the last time the Corpus Christi Ballet performed it back in 2016.

Eight years ago, I was in a much different place in life. It was my first tax season at my new job for a CPA office after having been fired from my last job (long story), I was newly sans gallbladder but didn’t know about the medication to help all the post surgery complications, and I was in my second season with my new studio and company after my first ballet studio closed down and in the middle of my fourth year of ballet, still trying to find where I fit.

It seemed as soon as I felt I may have figured it out, a wrench was thrown at me; I finally get the boldness to sign up for ballet classes and I get injured in a car wreck and have to miss the rest of the month of classes. I finally am able to take classes and start to feel comfortable at the studio and it closes. I find a new studio and start to get comfortable and then get too sick to dance.

Swan Lake was the show that marks a pivotal moment in my life. The mix of the stress of my first tax season (with no formal training) with the intensity of the ballet while also hardly being able to eat because of post surgery issues made a perfect cocktail of stress in my body. I woke up the day after shows unable to get out of bed. I took the first sick day i’ve ever taken in my adult life and have not been the same since.

The memories of that show are mixed, but isn’t that how life goes? Perfection doesn’t exist. Life hands us the cards it does and we’re left to play the cards we’re dealt. It’s up to us if we decide to let the negative parts determine everything, or if we choose to see the positives and make the most of it all.

Last go around, I was cast as a swan cover. I was disappointed as I so desperately wanted to be cast with my friends and be such an iconic role—an opportunity I never expected in the first place. I wanted to prove to them and to myself that I was good enough to dance in the corps de ballet. I fell short, but I worked hard and showed up and made the most of it. The five of us covers banded together to still enjoy ourselves, calling ourselves the Ugly Ducklings in jest, learning the parts all the different ways just in case. Three out of the five of us ended up going in the week of shows as injuries happened. It was extremely rewarding to work so hard not knowing if we’d get to perform it, and be able to blend seamlessly when the opportunity arose.

Emilee then never could have guessed life would turn out how it did. Emilee then was terrified of what her body was doing to her and the things she felt she couldn’t control. Ballet was the one thing in the world she desperately wanted, and she was trying to find where she fit in a world where adult ballet dancers weren’t really a thing. We were blazing trails 💁🏼‍♀️. Hah. But seriously, trying to find where I belonged where I was dancing with 14 year olds, but the same age as the principal dancers was a weird dynamic to navigate.

I couldn’t have landed in a better place. i’ve never once not been welcomed or made to feel like I wasn’t wanted. The girls befriended me, the principal dancers took me in, I made friends.

By the next year my world had come crashing down as my body started betraying me slowly but surely, leading to me having to quit; dance, my job, everything.

Eight years ago me never could have guessed life would take the turns it did.

Eight years ago me would be thrilled.

Now, I work for the Company that took me in. I’m surrounded by dancers of whom many have become my chosen family. Now, i’m not only in Swan Lake again, but i’m cast as the Queen. The principal dancers are still my friends and somehow the corpse de ballet dancers still think i’m cool and laugh at my jokes (thanks for that, Brooke 😉). I go to the studio happy as a clam. The fact I even still get to go to the studio is a gift I hope I never take for granted; sweet former students running into my office as soon as they come in the door to wrap their arms around my neck and hug me so tight. I hear about their lives, am asked to watch them and give corrections, get to pour into their lives and fill my heart lighten in the process.

I look back over all the years of uncertainty, when I had no idea where I belonged, when I was looking at the expiration date of the one thing i’d always wanted and never wanted to give up, and i’m just so grateful. I feel like these posts have become much the same, but i’m just so happy to know that all the difficulties, all the nights of uncertainty, all the fear was short lived. That the place I’ve ended up is back in the place where my soul feels most alive, surrounded by people who fill my life with joy.

The kids who were the tiny nuggets last time are the graduating seniors this time. One, Swan Lake in 2016 was her first spring show, and this time is her last before she goes off to college. Talk about full circle!

I’m so proud to see how they’ve grown, so honored to be a part of it, and just so happy for where my life has taken me.

Back in 2011 when I made the decision to follow this silly little dream i’d always held, people made fun of me. They criticized me, told me I was wasting my time and money, that nothing would come of it, that I needed to stop dancing and start thinking seriously about my future.

Joke’s on them.

My first Queen rehearsal is tomorrow. I’m so dang excited for how fun this is going to be.

Cinderella 2023

Now that I’ve had a few days to pretend like I’m recovering, I’m finally sitting down to type up the blog post for Cinderella.

We had one weekend of shows; a school show on Friday, an evening show on Saturday, and a matinee on Sunday with rehearsals at the theater peppered between.

There were many bits that were exhausting and overwhelming, but all things considered this show went substantially better than Nutcracker did this past December. Maybe because I’m more confident in what I’m doing, maybe because the cast is smaller, maybe because it’s only one weekend, maybe a combination of these things and others–who knows. All I know is I’m grateful.

I’m also extremely grateful for the dance parents who have been absolutely phenomenal in giving of their time and energy to help make this show run smoothly. I can guarantee that their efforts contributed to how smoothly these shows went, and how much less stressful it was for me personally. They’re rock stars and my gratitude knows no bounds.

These rehearsals were long, and many of the dancers are young and not used to it, yet they handled it with grace and endurance. Much of the time they ended up being released early, but even then it wasn’t something we could know until rehearsals got started and we knew what areas needed work and which looked good.

I was a “Wig Maker” in the show, helping one of the Step-sisters in the Dressing Scene by putting the wig on after two other dancers got her ball gown on. Roles like this are really fun for me as you get the opportunity to really make the role your own. With one of the step-sisters, we brainstormed little bits we could do to make it funnier, like getting giant tweezers and “tweezing her face” as well as filing her nails and such. I also brought a giant feather I had to act as a quill a la Lady Whistledown from Bridgerton. The whole scene lasted maybe three minutes or so, and they decided to let us bow at the end. This took me by surprise, as usually first act scenes don’t bow at the end of second act, especially a little bit part like this, but I can see why, given that if we didn’t we would literally be the only ones in the show not bowing.

I called my costume, affectionate, “The Potato” as it was this big brown thing. Mrs. Jane made me a really great bonnet to go with it and, coming in clutch, her husband Jim made me way better “tools” to use for the face plucking and nail filing. What I had before were long and sharp. How literally none of us recognized the danger these things posed is beyond me, but Mrs. Jane saved the day and have Mr. Jim make me big sparkly props that were absolutely fantastic–and in two hours, no less. I kept them, and am quite fond of them. Their entire family really means a lot to me, making sure I’m taken care of and informed, even walking me to my car after late shows since they know I’m alone. Little things that add up to a whole lot.

While I’m quite proud of the dancers as a whole, for their various personal triumphs and accomplishments, there’s two in particular I want to write about.

There were two sets of Step-sisters, the Saturday night set being a set of our Principal dancers, and the Sunday set being two of our soloists.

Jessica, in the green dress (the one I wigged up,) is a fellow adult ballerina, though she didn’t begin as an adult. She’s built her way up and when she and her husband moved to Corpus, she joined us here at CCB. I first met her last year when I wore a University of Kansas jacket and she came up and said, “Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk?” and I excitedly exclaimed, “Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk!” We’ve been friends ever since.

Last year I watched as she danced roles with some of the high school girls, having the best attitude and outlook on it all, lighting up the stage with her presence. I can’t even remember what her Nutcracker roles were, as some of the high school girls were no doubt cast above her, but when the cast list came out for Cinderella, I saw her name as a step sister and said, “oh, PERFECT.” Because it is. Casting Jessica as a step sister is absolutely perfect, which was only further confirmed with each rehearsal. The comedy she brought to the role often had me forgetting to go back to the office when I popped into the studio for something or another, instead being drawn in by her performance. So often in ballet, beautiful and talented dancers can end up overlooked for one reason or another, usually nothing personal though it can feel deeply as such, and seeing that happen can be really disheartening, let alone feeling it. But seeing Jessica completely nail this role so perfectly was extremely rewarding. She and Kaelin played off each other so well and you could tell they were having so much fun.

Speaking of Kaelin, she’s the other one I want to write about in this post. The step sister with the orange dress, she and I didn’t interact in our small scene, other than a quick glance in character, but watching her had me absolutely beaming with pride.

Kaelin was one of the little nuggets when I first started dancing at Munro. I remember waiting for my classes and peeking in through the window to watch their level II’s class when they first barely got their pointe shoes. She was a villager my first Spring show in Wizard of Oz and it was quickly evident what a delight she was (and is.) I watched as Kaelin looked up to the “big girls” as she danced, watched her recital dances through the years, watched her be called up as a back up understudy in my last role in which I was an understudy put in the very first rehearsal, watched her take on the roles I did, and watched as she surpassed my skillset. I watched her do Dew Drop on an injury, trying to find the tricky balance between enduring while risking further injury and taking a step back for recovery. Having the injury so close to shows, she endured, and thankfully the risk was worth it. And now I had the extreme honor of watching her take the challenge of such an advanced role, shared with one of our top Principal dancers, and completely rock it, making it look easy, even. I watched the little dancers watch her, one of the “big girls,” and see how their faces glow as she acknowledges them, some of them her students, others not. I heard their whispers of how cool they think she is and saw them trying to do the moves she did in the aisles.

When you have a young group of dancers, you have thoughts about what these kids could grow to be. You see their skills and drive, or lack thereof, and can sometimes guess which ones will continue on and which ones won’t. Kaelin has always had the drive, and she’s honed her skills over the years by paying attention and making the most of every opportunity. She’s not a kid anyone would have expected to just be handed these things, but worked her way up through the ranks, a normal dancer who had the endurance and self discipline to keep going, and now she gets to reap the rewards of her hard work. It’s been an absolute joy watching her as a step sister, and also seeing her as the Fairy Godmother during school shows, and even stepping up to cover Lead Star when Haeleigh hurt her foot the week of shows while working on recital in class. (:( my heart is sad for Haeleigh.) She has risen to the occasion and I couldn’t be more proud.

There’s loads of dancers I’m proud of who have taken great responsibility and really risen up this show, and some who have endured some really difficult things, dancing while their heart is breaking. I wish I could do more to reward them for their efforts.

After school show, we brought back a school whose teacher used to dance with us. It was so much fun seeing their reactions to the costumes and backdrops and props up close, and even more fun seeing Chrisi, our Cinderella that show who also knew Holly, the teacher, talk the kids through what it takes to make a production happen. Their eyes filled with wonder and Chrisi’s gentle instruction was a joy to behold, some of our dancers even being entranced by her explaining how she prepares her shoes to dance. The whole scene was so magical and heartwarming.

On Sunday, we had a big thunderstorm roll through, causing some localized flooding and the power to flicker before shows started. We were all on pins and needles, unsure of what might actually happen during the show and hoping against all hope the power would stay on and the audience would still show up. Thankfully, we didn’t have the orchestra, as the basement definitely flooded, and the power stayed on past the one flicker about an hour before curtain.

On Saturday, one of my favorite stories I’ll tell forever occurred.

James, who was our Step Mother, had his dressing room on the same floor as the stage. Around the corner, in fact. Somehow, the lock engaged on the handle, making him unable to get inside his dressing room after the ball scene to change back into his regular dress. We asked security if they could get someone to unlock it. They tracked down the lady with the keys and she came to unlock it, but didn’t have the correct keys. I asked James what he would do, and he had me hook his dress back up and said, “I’ll just make it work” in such a calm and composed manner. A true professional. I told him I’d wait for her to come back and bring his dress over. His cue, of course, was on the other side of the stage, and I had absolutely zero clue when he went back on, but tried not to worry about it. The lady got back and, about four or five tries later, got the right key and opened it. I thanked her, grabbed the dress, and looked around for anything else, spotting his wig/headpiece combo and grabbing it as well. Then, I ran, waving the wig so he’d see me coming, trying not to clomp backstage as I was in my character shoes. Tim, a hairdresser who was also the Head Wig Maker in the production (among other things) got his dress unhooked. James stepped into the costume, I shoved in his petticoat as Tim started working on switching out the wigs and headpieces. I got James’s skirt hooked and tried to start on the dress, my hands shaking, when someone behind me said, “start at the top!” And thankfully they did, my brain spaced and I hadn’t even thought of that. I told James I would keep going until his cue. Joe, our stage manager, came over with a flashlight and I went as fast as I could, taking about two tries on each of these bajillion hooks and eyes, feeling more hopeful with each one. As I got the last one fastened, I let James know I was done, and literally without a second to spare, he walked on in perfect timing for his cue. I looked at Tim, and said something like, “did we just pull that off?” then doubled over as the adrenaline coursed through my body.

I couldn’t recreate that if I tried. Had I stopped long enough to doubt or wonder if I’d have enough time, had I not ran, had she not had the right keys the second time, had I forgotten the headpiece–any of it and I’m sure loads more–it wouldn’t have worked, yet James sauntered on as if nothing happened out of the ordinary and the audience was none the wiser.

I have no doubt had James gone on in his ball dress he would have made it work, but I’m glad we were able to pull it off.

…and I just answered the phone at my courthouse job as “Corpus Christi Ballet,” so on that note, I’m gonna leave you with pictures and sign off. Please note, we got a good laugh at my mix-up.

Nutcracker, 2022

My intentions were to write one post for each weekend, full of all the little details I love to remember and hate to forget so I could go back on them in the future and remember this year of shows, but clearly that didn’t happen.

In truth, I was a bit afraid there for a bit that I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to write at all this year. That fact alone broke my heart to even consider. I decided, instead, not to force it and hope that time would relieve me of the block that was forming and allow me to have a post full of those happy little details, and one I actually want to look back on. Thankfully, that is what happened, and thankfully, that will be the majority of this post.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least reference what caused the shift in intentions last weekend. Turns out, it’s my own humanity. This is my first year actually working for the ballet, and while I had a general idea of much of what goes on, I didn’t fully know the execution. Most of it was fairly cut and dry on how to go about it all and make it happen, but there were a few things with which I didn’t really know what to expect.

Add into that mix the fact the internet went out the week things were beginning to come due, causing us to not have access to internet, phones, printing tickets, credit card machines, or our regular printer, all of which we eventually found clunky work-arounds to except for the phones, but not until I was already an entire weekend worth of turn ins behind and learning I put the wrong due date on a form.

Because of this, I put in extra hours to catch up, on occasion working nearly 80 hour weeks between my two jobs. If you’ve been here any length of time, you’ll know I’m chronically ill. If you’ve been here since the “before” times, you’ll know I had to quit my previous full time job because it was too much to handle with my health issues. Thankfully, I was able to manage decently enough health-wise, largely due to the help I had from volunteers, but I found myself heading home after long days with no memory of what I had done. I couldn’t recall the details, the brain fog settling so deeply I was basically going off muscle memory, relying on logs to keep the record my brain wasn’t able to do. It was frustrating and at times scary, not to mention setting off my newly diagnosed OCD since I felt I didn’t have the control over the situation considering I can’t do too much about what my body does when I’m pushing it to it’s limits.

And, of course, errors were made. They weren’t brought to my attention in ugly or hateful ways, the people were by and large extremely kind about it, or at least civil. By the point that happened on Saturday, I was at a breaking point I hadn’t even realized I was reaching. It wasn’t until I sat next to two of my friends who asked how I was that my throat tightened and my eyes betrayed me. I’m not one to cry, but once the dam broke I couldn’t seem to get it to stop. Then, my brain started to do a number on me, telling me all those things I was afraid of happening, happening, were because I was a failure, blah blah blah.

Thankfully, in all this, I’ve had wonderful people around me. I work for a company that doesn’t berate me or even blame me for what happened. Their concern is rectifying with apology and moving forward, learning from our mistakes and doing better next time. They understand we are humans and humans are flawed and that mistakes happen. I kept expecting to be chastised and verbally beat over the head like I had been at previous places of employment, but that never happened here.

When I first started teaching classes however many years ago, I was struck by how well I was treated there. It was teaching that showed me the standard I should hold for myself and gave me the boldness to leave former places of employment that weren’t at the level of how I deserve to be treated. And now, I’m finding the same is true on this side of things. To say I’m grateful is an understatement.

I also had an army of dance moms at my side, a choice few in an inner circle, gathering around me to support me and help pull me out of the spiral my brain began to take before it got too bad. Even as I was still allowing time to run it’s course and bring me back to the place of being “okay,” I was constantly floored by the kindness I was met with. The people we have here currently are gems, and I’m grateful to be among them.

Alright, so now that’s out of the way, lets get on to the many, many wonderful things this year brought. Considering this post is already this long, brace yourself for quite the lengthy continuation, though I’m sure some details will be forgotten since I waited. That’s okay.

When it came to school shows, I was working off a contact list that was from the “before times” of 2019. I did my best to update it, but wasn’t quite sure who to contact about reserving spots for the two performances. For a moment, there was even consideration to only have one show. However, the risk of having two shows proved worth it as the first was completely maxed out and the second was over half sold. The members of administration I worked with were absolutely lovely, making this learning experience a delightful one. They were also very understanding of all the complications with the prolonged internet outage.

School shows are my favorite, as they tend to be packed out, and the kids are so responsive, laughing and clapping and gasping at all the right times. Sometimes you’ll hear a comment from the audience that just makes your heart swell as you know they’re completely immersed in what’s happening on stage. Everyone danced so incredibly well, and starting out the season with such responsive audiences did much to boost our confidence and I stood back and watched as the kids in our scene came alive as we went through what we’ve rehearsed for countless hours at the studio over the weeks in the lead up. The two Clara’s danced beautifully, clearly enjoying every moment of their dreams being realized, dancing the role they’ve hoped they’d one day have the opportunity to embody.

The first Saturday’s show was a great full show kick off. Lauren, the youngest of the Clara’s, went on stage like a seasoned professional, hitting every step and giving such wonderful facial expressions and characterizations sometimes I forgot this is a role I’ve done and watched from this same spot for, what, six years now? She embodied the role in a way that set the tone for a fantastic run, truly becoming Clara and not just going through the motions of a role she’s been tasked with. It was a joy to watch.

The first Sunday’s show was also a knock out, extra impressive when you add in all the quirks that seemed to try and plague it. For starters, the air wasn’t set at the right temperature and backstage was absolutely sweltering, making the dancers make adjustments to handle it, causing particular issues with those dancers with asthma who navigated it all with grace and boldness to where no one was the wiser that anything could possible be amiss.

Sophia danced beautifully, even navigating an issue with the sleigh without skipping a beat where other dancers may let the unexpected change get the best of them. She opened second act on the sleigh, and as they brought it around something happened with the mechanics of it and she had to go back on without it, something they’ve never practiced or ran through, with about 15 seconds warning. You wouldn’t know if you didn’t know that anything was other than it should be. Sophia is a dancer I’ve known since she was a party girl, and gotten to know well since last year. I’m so proud of her for all she’s accomplished and all she’s endured to get to this point in her dancing, absolutely beaming backstage as I watched on second act like a proud aunt or something.

Second weekend of shows brings in the live orchestra, with only one of the two Clara’s being able to rehearse with them. McKenna, the one without the rehearsal, opened us up on Saturday with one of the best performances I’ve seen. Everyone seemed to be on their A-game, and the audience was the best show audience we’ve had in recent memory. They laughed, they gasped, they applauded at all the perfect times, boosting all of our confidences on stage. McKenna is a dancer I’ve known since she was itty bitty and a former assistant of mine when I was still teaching. Her older sister, Kaelin, was a Clara back, I believe, five years ago, and when Covid shut everything down in 2019 I was hopeful she wouldn’t get passed over. Then last year she found herself out with an injury and we all hoped taking the time to step back and recover would mean she would come back stronger. That’s exactly what she did, and watching her finally after so many delays and drawbacks dance this role she’s dreamed of was something that lead me to tears. She was so incredibly beautiful that I was covered in goosebumps any time I’d watch her in party scene, and absolutely speechless backstage during second act. Then, seeing her older sister Kaelin as lead Spanish, and her younger sister Cassidy as a Lilac, dancing with her and hugging her after the curtain drop, you’d be hard pressed to find a dry eye; their sibling bond one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed. The entire family is absolutely lovely, and I’m so grateful to know them and watch the girls grow. To say I’m proud is an understatement.

Last night, at our last show, Kara was our Clara. Having recently moved from Austin to Corpus last year, she made the wise decision to audition for our spring show, Sleeping Beauty, where she could get a feel for how things run here and get to know some of the people. An absolute delight, we ended up being in scenes together and even next to each other for a big chunk of it, which I’m grateful for. I remember her asking about Nutcracker auditions and if it would be too late for her to try for Clara. I told her no, and to make sure she had great expression (which I had no doubt she would since she was so expressive in the spring show.) When cast list came out I was so thrilled for her, and even more so watching her dance her heart out this weekend. Orchestra weekend is often the most challenging since we usually rehearse to a recording and the timing difference of live music can throw some dancers off, however Kara handled it like a seasoned pro, giving the other dancers a great leader to follow in their dancing. She was absolutely beautiful, her dancing exquisite, and I’m so glad that she has joined our company as she truly is a wonderful human as well.

It wouldn’t be live “theater” without the occasional happenings to cause adjustment to make sure the show must go on. First weekend didn’t have too many, besides the sleigh mishap, but second weekend made up for it. First, our Clara’s Mother ended up testing positive for Covid on Friday, our first day back at rehearsals. She got it from her husband, who tested positive earlier in the week, so there wasn’t an immense risk to the company or the fear she picked it up from someone there and she’s recovering well. We did a bit of party parent cast shifting, as one Party Mom became Clara’s Mom, and we recruited one of our teachers whose done the role a few years ago. Then, our Auntie ended up sick, so her daughter, who was a Maid, jumped in to fill the role. On top of all the party scene changes, we had a Polichinelle end up sick, so my love Lilly, who was unable to audition due to an injury but has been recovering well, jumped in. It was, of course, the smallest Polichinelle, and thankfully Lilly, who is super tall, fit the costume, so it worked out well. Lilly is a Maid and she’s also the Nutcracker that salutes at the end, but being able to actually dance for a show was so fulfilling. I was incredibly proud of her. Jumping in to a role you haven’t done in a couple years, at the extreme last minute, and doing it so well is quite impressive. There was also a Mouse who,

We also had other dancers enduring unimaginable things, yet still finding the mental strength to endure through the shows, even when it was extremely difficult to do. I’m so proud of these dancers, more than I have words for.

I’ve done party scene for longer now than I danced in the corps de ballet, which is a wild concept. I only did three Nutcracker’s in the corps, but I have done four years as party parent. It would have been five had Covid not, ya know, done what it did. When I realized I had been a party mom so many years now, it blew my mind a bit. Time is wild, y’all.

This group of party kids were my favorite. Usually you have a mixed bag of kids that are super fun and kids that are more nervous or just stoic, but this year every single one of them was out there having the time of their lives. Our party kids brought their own characters into it, which made it easier and more fun to act alongside them for such a long scene, adding in little quips we’ve never thought to add before but I’m sure will carry on now. And, of course, we do the macarena during the overture to help with the nerves. Now we’ve gotten to the point where former party girls are Clara’s, so they joined in each night, as well as other dancers who were backstage. It’s my favorite tradition we do. McKenna even told me that joining in helped her keep the nerves at bay before her Clara night, which made me so happy. Last night we even had some of the Soldiers joining in on the other side of the stage, such a fun sight to see all of us connected in this thing across all the different roles and levels.

This was also the most fun I’ve had in party scene as a whole. I don’t even know what made it so much better this year, but I found myself genuinely laughing most of the time at one thing or another, enjoying every second we’re up there.

Behind the scenes, I got to help a lot more than usual. It brought an extra layer of joy to my heart, especially after the rocky start I had mentally, to be able to jump in and help this department or that department. When I started dancing eleven (goodness) years ago, I was nervous as heck, feeling like there wasn’t really a place for me. I fought that fear and kept going anyway, finding myself with opportunities I never expected, including dancing for a pre-professional company. Right as I was starting to feel like maybe I’d somehow found a place for myself, I had to give it up because of my health. Thankfully, able to do it in doses instead of all at once, I held on to doing The Nutcracker, partially out of stubbornness. Then, when our Drosselmeyer died, I was prepared to give it all up, until two of my “babies” convinced me (with a simple, “Are you going to do party parent this year?”) to keep going last year. And now, here I am, working for the ballet company that took me in those years ago and gave me a place to belong, working among such wonderful people, meeting such lovely dancers and dance parents, getting to be a part of this beautiful world I fell in love with so long ago and had been made to give up. I never would have guessed it would find a way to draw me back in, and especially not to this caliber, but I couldn’t be more grateful than I already am.

I’ve gotten to know a few of the dance moms really well this season, which has made my heart extremely happy. The kindness I have been met with has been overwhelming in the best way, I’m almost in a state of shock by it all, not entirely certain what to do with it. But even when I get awkward in my adjustment to such kindness, I’m met with more kindness. Who knew places like this existed?

I know there will be challenges along the way, as I’ve already seen, but I also know that those challenges are ones worth facing, and that I’m safe here.

Overall, this Nutcracker season has been one for the books. I hope I never forget the look of joy on the kids faces, the way the conductor looks when I peek out from the curtains, the way I feel when we’re all having so much fun on stage, the exhilaration of seeing former dancers visit while in town, the feel of the tiny arms wrapping around my middle in many, many hugs–especially as these dancers grow. This is my favorite part of the holiday season, and I’m so grateful to still get to be a part of it.

	Emilee on Learning to Read (Music)
	JL on Learning to Read (Music)
	Emilee on Swan Lake cast list, 2024
	fizzielou on Swan Lake cast list, 2024
	Jody on Recital 2023