Tag: Nutcracker

Nutcracker 2024

I feel like writing this post is something for which I have all and none of the words.

I was nervous going into this season. Last season held so many changes and differences that really made it difficult to endure. I was afraid that was the new norm and that Nutcracker would no longer be something I actually enjoyed, but rather something to which I was obligated. The thought of this broke my heart, and I started the season having to put my dog–my best friend–down on audition day. It was already not looking like it was going to be the favorite season of my life.

Now here we are at the end of it. Final bows have been taken, costumes have been hung, props put back into storage. Chapters have been written and signed off in the books of personal history, and here I am, bursting with gratitude.

The difficulty and struggle is not the new norm; it’s simply a blip on the radar of my experiences, something I endured and lived to tell the tale. This year felt redemptive. Of course, it wasn’t perfect, no experience ever is. Honestly, I think if it was, I wouldn’t value it as much. Something about a little struggle makes you really take inventory about how much something means to you. But this year is definitely one I treasure. I know I’m not the only one who feels a bit of redemption, many of the dancers have overcome their own personal challenges for which this year has brought them full circle as well.

Over the first weekend, we had CCB’s very first Clara and Fritz as our Mother Gingers. Mrs. Lori, my first ballet teacher when I came over to Munro, was that first Clara. I haven’t seen her since I took her class ten years ago and was a little worried she wouldn’t remember me. So much can happen in ten years, and she only knew me for that one year of it, leaving me uncertain. I banked on the fact that I look the exact same and got bold enough to say hi when she was talking to Ms. Munro and Mrs. Alex, needing to mention something to Mrs. Alex anyway. When she finished whatever story she was telling and noticed me standing there, she said, “Oh, my glittering girl!” and opened her arms wide to me. I melted like a little kid seeing her favorite teacher; so much of what I learned in her class are still things I apply when I teach students. She was the first teacher to really see me, and the first to point out my hips weren’t square. It was also that year I learned about my leg length discrepancy and the two curves in my spine and started using a shoe lift. Getting to see her backstage, practicing for Mother Ginger, deciding what character she would bring to the role and making sure everything was perfect brought a smile to my face. A professional, through and through.

Party Scene was so much fun. I had all new party boys for the first time this year, as my beloved Michael aged out of the role, which brings in different elements. Having an entirely new set of kids can be a challenge, but in this case it was so much fun. We laughed, made up little jokes throughout the scene, each kid bringing their own personality into it. It never once felt boring or redundant. At one point when John and I are dancing, I said, “This year is so much fun,” and he looked at me and replied, “I know you mean that, because you don’t always say that.” And he’s right. Of course there’s bits I enjoy about every year, and I love my party kids so much, but some years the joy comes more easily, and this was one of those years. From doing the Macarena during the interlude music, to joking that the doll box smoke was Joshua farting, to “this cake doesn’t have nuts”, to Aubrey actually falling asleep in the scene where they’re supposed to pretend, to learning the new kids slang–it’s all been so wonderful.

This is my tenth season with the Corpus Christi Ballet, and I truly believe that it was the best season we’ve had since I’ve been here. Everyone was on their A game, working really hard and dedicating their all to make the show beautiful. It fills my heart with pride to see these dancers rise in their potential. The Clara’s, of course, but also the other roles as well. Many, many of the dancers really seemed to come into their own between last year and this year and it’s excited to watch and speculate where they may go from here. Having been here this many years now, I’ve gotten to see the young ones grow up to be the older ones. Speculations at the beginning have been realized, and getting to see that development is beautiful. There does need to be special compliments paid to the Clara’s, though. All four of those girls really worked their tails off, giving performances that were utter delights to watch each night, supporting and helping each other, and fully embodying the joy of the character. It was like seeing each of their little kid versions living their best lives out there on stage–I’m getting goosebumps just remembering it!

My second season with CCB, I was Rat Queen. Three of my mice are still dancing, two of whom are Seniors this year. I’ve managed to actually let my cold, dead heart thaw a few times the last couple weeks, and one of them was in watching Kaitlyn and Paige dance in Dew Drop (in a trio with Magen), knowing that these nuggets that have been here with me nearly my entire time here are now not only the incredibly talented dancers they are, but are such wonderful people to boot. They are kind and considerate, funny and creative, and positive influences on the younger dancers who watch them with eyes full of wonder. That’s the beautiful thing about the current state of the studio; the older dancers have a grasp of their influence and use their “powers” for good. Seeing them interact with the younger dancers, knowing what it means to them and knowing they know it too, is something that warms my heart.

My absolute favorite thing is the one rehearsal when we don’t have Cherubs, Angels, or Cooks, so the Company girls have started filling in while the music plays so Drosselmeyer and Clara have someone to play off of. It’s hilarious watching them in their various costumes, and adorable now remembering how some of these girls were once these very roles not so long ago. (also hilarious seeing which ones boss the others around on where they’re supposed to be at different parts in the scene.)

I also loved getting to see some of my friends from when I was dancing who came back to visit and/or watch for the 50th anniversary. Moving on is a part of life, but it means so much when they’re able to come back, especially when they take a moment to say hello. I still tell stories of memories we made during our years, and try to keep up on social media, but I’ve become more removed from that in recent days which makes it more difficult to keep up. Just thinking of them makes me so happy.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me this past weekend to be standing around during party scene, and to have Kaitlyn J, Paige, Alenka, McKenna, and whoever else was there call me over because they wanted pictures with me. Usually I jump in to theirs, or make them take pictures with me (they have yet to protest), but this time they asked me and suddenly I felt way cooler than I ever have any business feeling. These girls we have truly are such wonderful people. Not only the ones I’ve mentioned, either. They’re supportive and kind and helpful and just delights to be around. One of my favorite parts of any show was hearing them cheer for each other, supporting their friends in whatever role they happened to have, giving encouragement, holding each other up. So often people get caught up in competition with each other, but these girls are girls girls. I’m so proud of them.

I teared up at different points every single night, but on the drive in to the last show, one lone, dramatic tear managed to escape my eye at the thought of how special this cast and this experience really is. I have more stories than I could ever truly tell, but each of them have a home in my heart. My life is a pretty dark place on the regular, and it’s easy for me to feel rather consumed by it. But as I told my therapist, “My life is dark, but these kids are the light.” Seeing the wide eyed tiny dancers, hearts full of dreams; the slightly older dancers whose eyes are still wide yet are starting to come into their own, mapping out the stories of their lives; the older dancers whose dreams have now been realized, soaking up every moment of this experience that has been so much of their lives all these years, it’s all enough to melt even the coldest of hearts. I’m so proud of them, of who they’ve grown and are growing to be. I’ve loved getting to know their parents and families and having the privilege of being even the smallest of parts in their stories. Seeing them feel so fulfilled is in turn so extremely fulfilling.

And the greatest gift I could have been given this year is the hope with which I’m left.
This, the kindness and joy, is the norm. This is what I have to look forward to in future seasons. This is why I keep coming back. This is what fills my heart and makes my life feel like it has a greater purpose.

This is the light in my darkness. I’m not foolish enough to think that I’ll always have it, especially since I almost lost it once already, but I’m grateful for every moment and memory that I do have it, and for every person I get to meet along the way.

Jackie and I
Party family from 6 (?) years ago
Lilly and I
Lauren in the wings
Company dancers as Angels
Company dancers as Cooks
snow
snow
Catherine and I
Sallee the saluting Nutcracker
Lilli and I
Madi and I
Amy
Sallee and I
Lola and I
opening scene, always made me laugh
Paige
the dancers in the darkness
empty auditorium
Haeleigh, featuring feet
Khloe and I
Kaitlyn J, Paige, and I
Paige and I
Kaitlyn J and I
Alenka and I
Mckenna and I
Paige and Kaitlyn H
Alenka in the wings
Kaitlyn H
sugar tutu
the face I made to try and make Kaitlyn laugh while we’re supposed to be frozen
Ayla and I
McKenna hugging Lauren
Alenka and I, sad she’s graduating
McKenna and I
Alenka and I
McKenna and Alenka

An ode to Clara

Nutcracker season is upon us once again.

I don’t write as frequently as I did when I began this blog, but I do find there are certain moments or happenings that beg my fingers to dance across the keyboard and memorialize the moments happening before me. Last weekend was one of those times.

Our cast list came out a couple weeks ago at this point, and when anyone asked me who I thought would get the role of Clara, I gave noncommittal answers, partially because anything can happen, and partially because I had no clue. Sure, I had my personal hopes and assumptions, and maybe part of me didn’t want to jinx anything, but I truly felt they could take it so many different ways that it was impossible to guess what decision they would land on. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to come up with the cast list–it’s a job I definitely don’t envy.

When I saw the cast list, I was stunned into a shocked silence, which didn’t matter considering I was alone in my house watching Mary Tyler Moore therefore no one knowing the difference in my reaction. I was stunned in the best way, each of these girls having such a special place in my heart. So special that I’m dedicating this blog post solely to them.

First up, Lilly S.
Lilly was my party girl the second year I was a party mom. Back then, the loss of dancing was still pretty fresh, but I remember being so excited to have her and Lola as my “children” (Lola’s real dad being my party husband). They were so cute and tiny back then, but even in those early days they showed promise and talent. I taught Lilly’s little sister, who was five-turning-six at the time, and I even attended her birthday that year, her mom now being one of my closest friends.
I’ve had the immense privilege of watching Lilly grow up all these years between. I’ve stayed with her and her sister overnight when their parents go out of town, “stolen” her for different fun days out, and given her rides home. When I was still teaching, she and Lola were my assistants for a few years in a row, becoming vital parts of my ability to get through those times when my health was at its worst. Lilly (likely) would have been Clara two years ago, but unfortunately she suffered a mishap when she dislocated her kneecap during her school’s dance class mere days before auditions. It was a complete unexpected accident and it baffled all of us. I watched Lilly as she recovered, both physically and emotionally, and saw her cheer on her friend’s successes when I knew she must also be grieving her own loss. She was so impressive and admirable to witness her grit and determination, facing her fears in the comeback, and even jumping in to a role she hadn’t done in years when a Polichinelle got sick one weekend (and we have to have 8 Polichinelles!) She dedicated herself to her physical therapy, joining in on our spring show of Cinderella and setting her sights on the next year’s Nutcracker auditions. Surely, this would be her year, right?
As luck would have it, wrong. Lilly made it through auditions beautifully, full of pride and hope, only to have her kneecap dislocate the next day at a rehearsal for our dance festival we attend in the spring. Absolutely gutted, not to mention shocked, she found herself in this position again. Doctors told her she didn’t need surgery, but they got a second opinion–the last thing she wanted was for this to happen a third time. She bravely faced surgery, joined Nutcracker that year as a Maid again, and watched on as her friends fulfilled the dreams she so deeply also hoped to one day fulfill only to have two straight years of setback. When I say I hope to be half the person Lilly is, I mean it. She has such grit and determination and such a love for her friends. She never once complained or lamented her luck, she rolled with the punches and followed doctors orders and now finally this is her year. A redemption story for the books. She is opening night on Gala weekend of the 50th anniversary show and gets to perform a school show. That usually doesn’t happen, since Gala weekend is typically the second weekend of shows, but in a twist of fate, she gets all these wonderful experiences she wouldn’t have had if she had been Clara either of the two years before. I feel for Lilly its a true “absence makes the heart grow fonder” situation where she appreciates being able to bring this role to life in a way most people will never know.

Next, Jackie.

Jackie is my first former student to be cast as Clara. Where Lilly was my former party girl, she’s the second former party girl to be Clara. Jackie is the first former student–someone I will reference for the rest of my days when I speak of Nutcracker much like I do when I tell everyone that Brooke was the first party girl. She joins a rank of my personal story that only so many can reach. I first started teaching Jackie when I subbed her class on a Saturday when she was seven. I tried to go back and see if I blogged about that class since it was such a memorable one, but I wrote so much back then I kept getting distracted and it was difficult to sort through (It was the 2016-2017 dance year, and it would be a Saturday subbed class where she called me “Supergirl”, if you want to take a stab at it). Even back then, I could tell Jackie loved dance and had a decent enough amount of skill. The next dance year, the teacher who usually taught her class had moved and I requested to teach the class in hopes Jackie would enroll in it again. When the year started and she wasn’t on my role sheet, I was so sad. Did she quit dancing? Maybe she just moved to the weekday classes–that would be good for her since she shows promise, I can’t be mad if that’s what happened. I let it go. About a month later, in walks Jackie, After class her mom told me, “We wanted to be in your class but I realized I didn’t know your name, I only knew you as Supergirl! It took me all this time to figure out who you actually are!” I’ll never let Jackie live this one down! Since then, I’ve kept up with her, even after I stopped dancing. I’d find her at recital and backstage of Nutcracker when I could. She joined spring shows my first season back post-covid-shut-down-year, which was the season I almost didn’t come back for (thank you Catherine and Macey for convincing me) and I remember seeing her as the highest level villager and making everyone notice her feet, as if they could ignore how great they are. Last summer, Jackie asked to do private lessons with me, and we worked diligently. I wish I had documented where she was in the beginning versus the end because the difference is impressive. Whereas at the beginning she struggled doing a single pirouette en pointe, by the end she was doing fairly consistent doubles. She improved by leaps and bounds, her dedication evident, the type of student a teacher loves having. At one point last season, Jackie told me, “You’re like the Taylor Swift of CCB” and that is a compliment I will carry the rest of my life. An honor truly. She’s also told me that she doesn’t get nervous having Ms. Munro or Mrs. Alex watching her, but when I do she does, “because I know you’re watching me, not just watching everyone” and she’s right. When I sneak in to a rehearsal, I watch the kids I work with so I know what we need to address or correct next time. If the student is teachable, I give them corrections right then and there because I know they’ll take them and apply them and honestly, when they get older and watch the recordings, I don’t want them to see these simple things we can easily fix. I want them to look back and think, “Wow, I was really good!” That’s the goal. She’s never let me down so far! Jackie is one of those kids you know absolutely loves ballet, one you don’t have to remind to work at home because it’s evident that she does, one who comes the next lesson prepared so we’re able to build instead of revisiting things we’d previously fixed. I was hoping they’d pick her this year, my assumption being that they were watching her considering the specific corrections she had gotten last season. Having her chosen this year is so rewarding, knowing how hard she’s worked and how much it means to her. Truly deserved.

Next up, Lilli G.

Lilli is a nugget I first met when she was a party girl the year that was supposed to be my last year as party mom. She wasn’t my party girl, but she is one I remember. A cute little thing in the green dress, she’s in the picture I posted with my “last” blog post, looking up at me in the back of a little pack of girls on stage. I love that picture so much. When I started working in the office, she was one I got to know that first season. An absolute bundle of joy, I looked forward to her saying hi to me when she’d get there for rehearsals, her mom a dance mom I looked forward to seeing. Lilli is such an encourager, but also a kid who takes no crap–a beautiful balance. Last spring, after Cinderella, I asked her and her mom if I could work with Lilli in the summer. I could see she had so much potential but felt like she was just getting lost in the fold. I didn’t know if it would help, but I wanted to try. They enthusiastically agreed, and Lilly showed up diligently, eager to work each lesson. The first thing I noticed when we went through barre is she 100% knows what she’s doing. She has the ability, she has the knowledge, but there was some sort of disconnect when we got to center. We worked that summer on finding how to hold her positions and which muscles to use given her hyper mobility and finding the different ways to think about the steps we were doing in a way that leant to what we were trying to accomplish. She worked her butt off, and by the end of summer had shown so much improvement. We also talked through the emotional and mental side of dance, discussing strategies to set ourselves up for success in such a complex environment. I showed her some of the Clara phrases in hopes she’d feel more prepared going into auditions and would have a basis of confidence. Auditions came and went, and she didn’t feel good about it at all. She got her roles, took them gracefully, made the most of it. She enjoyed the year as much as she could while sorting through everything else that comes with disappointment. I stood on the sidelines, watching and correcting mainly because I knew she’d take it. And she did, she’d take it and improve and by the time show day came she looked fantastic. Gone were the days of standing out for quirks in technique and here she was, a proper corps de ballet dancer that blended in as you’re supposed to. No matter the outcome, I was proud of her. I knew she worked hard even when her heart was sad and she made the most of it all to (in my opinion) great success. This summer came and went, auditions happened, and Lilli goes in filled to the brim with confidence. She comes out smiling ear to ear, “I decided I wasn’t going to worry about it and was just gonna have fun!” and you could tell she truly did. Then, my dog died, and I mention that because it wrecked me in ways I never expected or could have prepared for. That first day I was able to drive by the ER vet, I arrived to my location to have a text from Lilli waiting for me. She had written a speech for class and sent me a picture of it. It was about her ballet story, how we worked together last summer, how difficult that season was, and how she decided to take what I had said to heart and went in to this years auditions with a clear mind and a heart full of confidence. I cried. It meant so much to me, and especially in that moment was something that really brought me to a place of grounding. There’s not much more rewarding as an instructor or teacher or mentor or what-have-you than seeing your student put in the work and succeed. Whatever “success” looks like to them, it is the joy of my life seeing their hard work pay off. They do that. They could just as easily take what I say and shove it in the bottom of the depths of their dance bag never to see the light of day again. They can drag their feet and be mad at the world when things don’t go their way. They can let it go in one ear and out the other. Or they can apply it, see what happens, put in the effort, and give it their best shot. Is it a guarantee that things will work in their favor? Not at all. There’s so much of life not in our control, we can only do what we can do. However, if we don’t do what we’re able, it’s a guarantee that it will never happen. Lilli was one I was really hoping would get the role, but I didn’t know if she would. I felt more confident with her confidence after auditions, but still you just never know. When I saw her name, that’s when I was stunned. I wouldn’t say “shocked” because I knew she was capable, but “stunned” because everything she worked so hard for, everything she’d hoped for actually finally happened. She did it. She showed up and showed them and they saw. For most of my life I have been someone who was overlooked, the memories of it still sting even all these years removed. I know much of it was simply school politics, but in a sense knowing I couldn’t control it made it more difficult. This felt redemptive. I knew she was in an environment that is fair. It’s unpredictable, but its fair, and that if she really worked hard she had a chance. Seeing her success is absolutely rewarding.

and finally, Khloe.

Khloe was new to me that first season back after I almost quit. She was cast as a party girl, even though she was one of the older girls (the gift of being shorter, I guess) that year, which was her first Nutcracker. Its easier for me to get to know the new girls if their party girls, and she seemed like such a sweetheart. Always attentive, polite, kind, she definitely made a good impression. She’s one of the quieter girls, but over the last few seasons I’ve gotten to be around her more and get to know her. I started noticing her dancing that spring show after her first Nutcracker, she being in the same group as Jackie. They were two of what I would consider the leaders, although I don’t know how things were officially. I just noticed that they were two who were confident and knew what they were doing and that other dancers looked to them when they were uncertain. I watched her the last two seasons I’ve been working at the studio, seeing her potential. That first season I was backstage for the studio’s recital and remember being absolutely blown away by her in this lyrical piece some of my girls were in. They said their goal was to make me cry, and they succeeded–one solitary tear. Khloe specifically showed so much emotion, making this dance her own, really conveying to the audience what they wanted to drive home. This last season, I watched her a little more closely. During Swan Lake, I got to sit on the throne as the Queen, giving me the best seat in the house for that Act. Khloe was Neapolitan and while the whole group did well, the timing at the end of the dance was something they struggled with. Not Khloe. She and the girl next to her, in my opinion, carried that dance. Her face absolutely beaming, her choreography confident. There was not a moment where she questioned what she was doing and it showed. Even in rehearsals, she retained the steps and was able to help others when they weren’t so sure. I knew Khloe was a good dancer, a great jumper. I knew she had potential, but this was when I really started watching her. As I said in the beginning, I had no clue how this years casting was going to go, but I was hoping Khloe was one they were watching and seeing as well and when I read her name I was so pleased to see it. She absolutely deserves this role and I have not a single doubt whatsoever that she will make everyone proud with her performance.

This past weekend, the Clara’s had their costume fittings. I got to be there for it and though it’s not the first time I’ve been there for a Clara costume fitting, this one was absolutely surreal. These girls I’ve essentially watched grow up, filled with hopes and dream, were now the ones getting to live it. The light in their eyes and the excitement emanating from their every being was a delight. Seeing the moms that were there tearing up was so precious, knowing what this means to them as well.

That evening, they did a rehearsal with just them. I know Jackie says I make her nervous and I didn’t peek in at auditions for that very reason, but now that she has the role I’m gonna watch, hah! All four of them did so well it blew my mind. I don’t know that I’ve watched the Clara rehearsal before to have anything to compare it to, but I was so happy with what I saw. Each of the girls took to the choreography like a fish to water. They all four get along so well and are helpful to each other, making sure each gets a turn in things they share and helping each other understand more complex bits. I popped in and watched a bit of Snow which impressed me on the whole, arguably looking the best this early on possibly of any of the years I’ve watched or been involved and the Clara’s were no exception.

Last year’s season was a difficult one for me personally, and I was a smidge anxious going in to this year not knowing if it would be much the same. So far, however, I’m having the time of my life, absolutely thrilled with how well all the girls are doing and enjoying seeing each of them step into their own and tackle their roles. I’m excited to be excited and hopeful about this year, letting myself dare to not be afraid of the things I can’t predict, reminding myself I’m surrounded by such wonderful people, and reveling in the fact such wonderful things are happening on an anniversary year.

I’m so excited to see what is to come throughout this season, and hopefully will be able to post a blog or two to have to look back on.

Nutcracker, 2022

My intentions were to write one post for each weekend, full of all the little details I love to remember and hate to forget so I could go back on them in the future and remember this year of shows, but clearly that didn’t happen.

In truth, I was a bit afraid there for a bit that I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to write at all this year. That fact alone broke my heart to even consider. I decided, instead, not to force it and hope that time would relieve me of the block that was forming and allow me to have a post full of those happy little details, and one I actually want to look back on. Thankfully, that is what happened, and thankfully, that will be the majority of this post.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least reference what caused the shift in intentions last weekend. Turns out, it’s my own humanity. This is my first year actually working for the ballet, and while I had a general idea of much of what goes on, I didn’t fully know the execution. Most of it was fairly cut and dry on how to go about it all and make it happen, but there were a few things with which I didn’t really know what to expect.

Add into that mix the fact the internet went out the week things were beginning to come due, causing us to not have access to internet, phones, printing tickets, credit card machines, or our regular printer, all of which we eventually found clunky work-arounds to except for the phones, but not until I was already an entire weekend worth of turn ins behind and learning I put the wrong due date on a form.

Because of this, I put in extra hours to catch up, on occasion working nearly 80 hour weeks between my two jobs. If you’ve been here any length of time, you’ll know I’m chronically ill. If you’ve been here since the “before” times, you’ll know I had to quit my previous full time job because it was too much to handle with my health issues. Thankfully, I was able to manage decently enough health-wise, largely due to the help I had from volunteers, but I found myself heading home after long days with no memory of what I had done. I couldn’t recall the details, the brain fog settling so deeply I was basically going off muscle memory, relying on logs to keep the record my brain wasn’t able to do. It was frustrating and at times scary, not to mention setting off my newly diagnosed OCD since I felt I didn’t have the control over the situation considering I can’t do too much about what my body does when I’m pushing it to it’s limits.

And, of course, errors were made. They weren’t brought to my attention in ugly or hateful ways, the people were by and large extremely kind about it, or at least civil. By the point that happened on Saturday, I was at a breaking point I hadn’t even realized I was reaching. It wasn’t until I sat next to two of my friends who asked how I was that my throat tightened and my eyes betrayed me. I’m not one to cry, but once the dam broke I couldn’t seem to get it to stop. Then, my brain started to do a number on me, telling me all those things I was afraid of happening, happening, were because I was a failure, blah blah blah.

Thankfully, in all this, I’ve had wonderful people around me. I work for a company that doesn’t berate me or even blame me for what happened. Their concern is rectifying with apology and moving forward, learning from our mistakes and doing better next time. They understand we are humans and humans are flawed and that mistakes happen. I kept expecting to be chastised and verbally beat over the head like I had been at previous places of employment, but that never happened here.

When I first started teaching classes however many years ago, I was struck by how well I was treated there. It was teaching that showed me the standard I should hold for myself and gave me the boldness to leave former places of employment that weren’t at the level of how I deserve to be treated. And now, I’m finding the same is true on this side of things. To say I’m grateful is an understatement.

I also had an army of dance moms at my side, a choice few in an inner circle, gathering around me to support me and help pull me out of the spiral my brain began to take before it got too bad. Even as I was still allowing time to run it’s course and bring me back to the place of being “okay,” I was constantly floored by the kindness I was met with. The people we have here currently are gems, and I’m grateful to be among them.

Alright, so now that’s out of the way, lets get on to the many, many wonderful things this year brought. Considering this post is already this long, brace yourself for quite the lengthy continuation, though I’m sure some details will be forgotten since I waited. That’s okay.

When it came to school shows, I was working off a contact list that was from the “before times” of 2019. I did my best to update it, but wasn’t quite sure who to contact about reserving spots for the two performances. For a moment, there was even consideration to only have one show. However, the risk of having two shows proved worth it as the first was completely maxed out and the second was over half sold. The members of administration I worked with were absolutely lovely, making this learning experience a delightful one. They were also very understanding of all the complications with the prolonged internet outage.

School shows are my favorite, as they tend to be packed out, and the kids are so responsive, laughing and clapping and gasping at all the right times. Sometimes you’ll hear a comment from the audience that just makes your heart swell as you know they’re completely immersed in what’s happening on stage. Everyone danced so incredibly well, and starting out the season with such responsive audiences did much to boost our confidence and I stood back and watched as the kids in our scene came alive as we went through what we’ve rehearsed for countless hours at the studio over the weeks in the lead up. The two Clara’s danced beautifully, clearly enjoying every moment of their dreams being realized, dancing the role they’ve hoped they’d one day have the opportunity to embody.

The first Saturday’s show was a great full show kick off. Lauren, the youngest of the Clara’s, went on stage like a seasoned professional, hitting every step and giving such wonderful facial expressions and characterizations sometimes I forgot this is a role I’ve done and watched from this same spot for, what, six years now? She embodied the role in a way that set the tone for a fantastic run, truly becoming Clara and not just going through the motions of a role she’s been tasked with. It was a joy to watch.

The first Sunday’s show was also a knock out, extra impressive when you add in all the quirks that seemed to try and plague it. For starters, the air wasn’t set at the right temperature and backstage was absolutely sweltering, making the dancers make adjustments to handle it, causing particular issues with those dancers with asthma who navigated it all with grace and boldness to where no one was the wiser that anything could possible be amiss.

Sophia danced beautifully, even navigating an issue with the sleigh without skipping a beat where other dancers may let the unexpected change get the best of them. She opened second act on the sleigh, and as they brought it around something happened with the mechanics of it and she had to go back on without it, something they’ve never practiced or ran through, with about 15 seconds warning. You wouldn’t know if you didn’t know that anything was other than it should be. Sophia is a dancer I’ve known since she was a party girl, and gotten to know well since last year. I’m so proud of her for all she’s accomplished and all she’s endured to get to this point in her dancing, absolutely beaming backstage as I watched on second act like a proud aunt or something.

Second weekend of shows brings in the live orchestra, with only one of the two Clara’s being able to rehearse with them. McKenna, the one without the rehearsal, opened us up on Saturday with one of the best performances I’ve seen. Everyone seemed to be on their A-game, and the audience was the best show audience we’ve had in recent memory. They laughed, they gasped, they applauded at all the perfect times, boosting all of our confidences on stage. McKenna is a dancer I’ve known since she was itty bitty and a former assistant of mine when I was still teaching. Her older sister, Kaelin, was a Clara back, I believe, five years ago, and when Covid shut everything down in 2019 I was hopeful she wouldn’t get passed over. Then last year she found herself out with an injury and we all hoped taking the time to step back and recover would mean she would come back stronger. That’s exactly what she did, and watching her finally after so many delays and drawbacks dance this role she’s dreamed of was something that lead me to tears. She was so incredibly beautiful that I was covered in goosebumps any time I’d watch her in party scene, and absolutely speechless backstage during second act. Then, seeing her older sister Kaelin as lead Spanish, and her younger sister Cassidy as a Lilac, dancing with her and hugging her after the curtain drop, you’d be hard pressed to find a dry eye; their sibling bond one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed. The entire family is absolutely lovely, and I’m so grateful to know them and watch the girls grow. To say I’m proud is an understatement.

Last night, at our last show, Kara was our Clara. Having recently moved from Austin to Corpus last year, she made the wise decision to audition for our spring show, Sleeping Beauty, where she could get a feel for how things run here and get to know some of the people. An absolute delight, we ended up being in scenes together and even next to each other for a big chunk of it, which I’m grateful for. I remember her asking about Nutcracker auditions and if it would be too late for her to try for Clara. I told her no, and to make sure she had great expression (which I had no doubt she would since she was so expressive in the spring show.) When cast list came out I was so thrilled for her, and even more so watching her dance her heart out this weekend. Orchestra weekend is often the most challenging since we usually rehearse to a recording and the timing difference of live music can throw some dancers off, however Kara handled it like a seasoned pro, giving the other dancers a great leader to follow in their dancing. She was absolutely beautiful, her dancing exquisite, and I’m so glad that she has joined our company as she truly is a wonderful human as well.

It wouldn’t be live “theater” without the occasional happenings to cause adjustment to make sure the show must go on. First weekend didn’t have too many, besides the sleigh mishap, but second weekend made up for it. First, our Clara’s Mother ended up testing positive for Covid on Friday, our first day back at rehearsals. She got it from her husband, who tested positive earlier in the week, so there wasn’t an immense risk to the company or the fear she picked it up from someone there and she’s recovering well. We did a bit of party parent cast shifting, as one Party Mom became Clara’s Mom, and we recruited one of our teachers whose done the role a few years ago. Then, our Auntie ended up sick, so her daughter, who was a Maid, jumped in to fill the role. On top of all the party scene changes, we had a Polichinelle end up sick, so my love Lilly, who was unable to audition due to an injury but has been recovering well, jumped in. It was, of course, the smallest Polichinelle, and thankfully Lilly, who is super tall, fit the costume, so it worked out well. Lilly is a Maid and she’s also the Nutcracker that salutes at the end, but being able to actually dance for a show was so fulfilling. I was incredibly proud of her. Jumping in to a role you haven’t done in a couple years, at the extreme last minute, and doing it so well is quite impressive. There was also a Mouse who,

We also had other dancers enduring unimaginable things, yet still finding the mental strength to endure through the shows, even when it was extremely difficult to do. I’m so proud of these dancers, more than I have words for.

I’ve done party scene for longer now than I danced in the corps de ballet, which is a wild concept. I only did three Nutcracker’s in the corps, but I have done four years as party parent. It would have been five had Covid not, ya know, done what it did. When I realized I had been a party mom so many years now, it blew my mind a bit. Time is wild, y’all.

This group of party kids were my favorite. Usually you have a mixed bag of kids that are super fun and kids that are more nervous or just stoic, but this year every single one of them was out there having the time of their lives. Our party kids brought their own characters into it, which made it easier and more fun to act alongside them for such a long scene, adding in little quips we’ve never thought to add before but I’m sure will carry on now. And, of course, we do the macarena during the overture to help with the nerves. Now we’ve gotten to the point where former party girls are Clara’s, so they joined in each night, as well as other dancers who were backstage. It’s my favorite tradition we do. McKenna even told me that joining in helped her keep the nerves at bay before her Clara night, which made me so happy. Last night we even had some of the Soldiers joining in on the other side of the stage, such a fun sight to see all of us connected in this thing across all the different roles and levels.

This was also the most fun I’ve had in party scene as a whole. I don’t even know what made it so much better this year, but I found myself genuinely laughing most of the time at one thing or another, enjoying every second we’re up there.

Behind the scenes, I got to help a lot more than usual. It brought an extra layer of joy to my heart, especially after the rocky start I had mentally, to be able to jump in and help this department or that department. When I started dancing eleven (goodness) years ago, I was nervous as heck, feeling like there wasn’t really a place for me. I fought that fear and kept going anyway, finding myself with opportunities I never expected, including dancing for a pre-professional company. Right as I was starting to feel like maybe I’d somehow found a place for myself, I had to give it up because of my health. Thankfully, able to do it in doses instead of all at once, I held on to doing The Nutcracker, partially out of stubbornness. Then, when our Drosselmeyer died, I was prepared to give it all up, until two of my “babies” convinced me (with a simple, “Are you going to do party parent this year?”) to keep going last year. And now, here I am, working for the ballet company that took me in those years ago and gave me a place to belong, working among such wonderful people, meeting such lovely dancers and dance parents, getting to be a part of this beautiful world I fell in love with so long ago and had been made to give up. I never would have guessed it would find a way to draw me back in, and especially not to this caliber, but I couldn’t be more grateful than I already am.

I’ve gotten to know a few of the dance moms really well this season, which has made my heart extremely happy. The kindness I have been met with has been overwhelming in the best way, I’m almost in a state of shock by it all, not entirely certain what to do with it. But even when I get awkward in my adjustment to such kindness, I’m met with more kindness. Who knew places like this existed?

I know there will be challenges along the way, as I’ve already seen, but I also know that those challenges are ones worth facing, and that I’m safe here.

Overall, this Nutcracker season has been one for the books. I hope I never forget the look of joy on the kids faces, the way the conductor looks when I peek out from the curtains, the way I feel when we’re all having so much fun on stage, the exhilaration of seeing former dancers visit while in town, the feel of the tiny arms wrapping around my middle in many, many hugs–especially as these dancers grow. This is my favorite part of the holiday season, and I’m so grateful to still get to be a part of it.