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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Tough.

I’ve had tons of thoughts to post on here.

Informative things Jilissa has told us
Interesting perspectives
Insight.

But, I’m not gonna back track and type all that.
Not now.

I had a conversation with Jilissa Thursday:
Me: I’ll be 25 next year. My goal is to be on pointe by then. Do you think this is possible?
Her: *Gimmace*
Me: I’m consistently in 2 times a week now. Work is letting me do that. I want to do 3 times a week as soon as possible…
Her: Let’s shoot for January and see where you are.

I was pretty excited.
This made me feel like I have something to strive for.
My dreams and goals in sight.
And this is bigger than just some fleeting bucket list idea
This is something I have wanted since I can remember
Something my grandpa used to ask me about
He’s gone now…
This links me to the parts of childhood that were happy.
About the only parts I haven’ questioned here recently…

Today, I was trying really hard
To focus, pay attention, soak up everything I can.
I couldn’t help but feel like I have a long way to go…
My flexibility needs major improvement
My turn out is pathetic
And sometimes when I get over zealous, it messes up my knee…

I got in my car after today’s class, thinking about all the ways it would be easier to focus if things were different.
Then I thought,
“I think sometimes you just have to lack something before you can really appreciate it. Lack makes you want it.”

Hah.
Is that what I’m going through in my life?
All this other hardship and questions and tears and breakdowns…
Is this the lack, making sure I really want it?

I guess we shall see.

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