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Emilee

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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.

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Now that I’ve had some time to digest.

I’ve told some of my older classmates, and talked to one of my closest dance friends, and I guess it’s starting to kind of hit.
There’s a meeting thing on August 3rd at the studio, and I’m sure it’s going to be a cry fest.
I’ve only been there for almost 3 years, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for those who have been there for 8.

But I am beyond grateful, to Jilissa and Instep Dance Studios, for giving me a platform to chase and achieve my dreams, and setting fire to this desire of mine.

I’m looking into taking classes at different studios. The difficult thing is it’s going to cost more than I can really budget in, and I don’t know how many hours I’ll actually get to dance. Competition seems to be steeper at other studios.

But you know, maybe change is good.
I have a feeling it’ll be good for some of the younger dancers who really want to propel themselves forward into a dance career.

I’ve been debating whether or not I should keep dancing. Nothing makes me feel more alive, but there are so many things to factor into the decision. I’ll have to re work my budgeting to see if it’s even possible, first off. Then I have to find a new studio and begin that whole process. (which is nerve wracking, to say the least.)
Then, you know, we’ll see.

So, my thoughts:

  • I’m so glad I didn’t let feeling sicker than a dog keep me from going to that last summer class.
  • I’m so glad I took so many pictures during recital
    • I’m also glad that other people took me camera and got pictures I was in, including–and especially–ones back stage of us acting goofy.
  • I’m so glad I took pictures in our last baby class.
  • I’m so glad that we got a video of the YMCA combo we did in our last class, even though everyone debated me on it. 
  • I’m so beyond grateful for the people I’ve met, the things I’ve learned, and the kindness I have encountered at Instep Dance Studios. It has helped give me a great foundation into pursuing my dreams of dancing ballet as an adult.
It’s still difficult, almost like mourning the loss of a friend, but I have great friends to support me and hope.
I have hope.
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