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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Movin’ on up.

This weekends rehearsals went fairly well. We had Winkie Guards on Friday and Saturday and Crows on Sunday. We learned a few more scenes for Winkie Guards, so we’re getting some progress done. Yay progress!
There was an unknown Winkie Guards solo they were casting during auditions that we only found out about this weekend. And even then, we weren’t even sure if it was specific or not. It was so casual at first no one thought anything of it. As soon as Mrs. Julie showed Emerson (!!!!!!) the blocking, I knew it had to be specific. And I was SO proud!! Like. It’s been almost a week and I still can’t contain my excitement for her and my pride for how well she completely NAILS IT.
It starts with a soute, glissade, grand jete. (I suck at grand jete’s. Emerson does them absolutely beautifully.) Then it’s a double en dedans pirouette. Then it goes into a bunch of sissonnes that throw in some temps de cuisse which we hadn’t been shown before really, but aren’t difficult. The sissonnes are quick and change direction and I would have probably needed to think about them for a second.
Not Emerson.
She was shown and nailed it first try with pointed feet and perfect technique.
It makes me so happy because Emerson is so talented. I stand next to her at the barre and I see her improve every week. But she’s not one of the outspoken girls in class. She’s quieter and really sweet. Usually, those are the types to get overlooked, especially with all the bold girls in our class specifically. But they didn’t. They saw her and gave it to her and she is completely rocking it.

A few girls have missed a lot of rehearsals and it’s gonna be rough catching them up. I’m fairly confident in my knowledge of what we learned but with only six more weeks of rehearsals and half of those being full cast, we don’t really have time to teach them everything we learned. I’ve noticed when the girls next to me aren’t confident in what they’re doing, it makes me anxious. I’ve noticed this lately throughout life in general, and I’m not sure if this is the new normal or if it’s situational, but it’s exhausting currently. I love my friends and I want to support them, and it’s not all the time. I think it’s when someone is anxious over something that doesn’t have to be that way. Like if it’s something that could have been avoided or something they just need to face. I get anxious over things like that, too, (currently it’s over having to figure out how to get a new passport picture. Our post office is failing.) but if I have to face my anxieties, I guess I don’t see it as fair that they don’t. Meh. oh well.

Anyway. I was talking to Mrs. Julie after class one of the days and she mentioned how Emerson is the one that takes the extra classes and works really hard to get where she is.
I want to improve. I want to take extra classes.
Like, really really want to.
So I looked into it. I thought about it for a bit to see if it was realistic and checked the pricing. Surprisingly it’s not too steep and I should be able to tighten up enough to make it work. Yesterday before my V’s class I asked Ms. Nancy about it. Ms. Munro was there, too, and her face lit up when she heard what I was asking. She asked, “Do you pay for all of this yourself?” To which I replied that I did and she asked where I worked and I told her. Most people who dance come from wealthy families because it’s expensive. I’m by no means wealthy, I’m just fortunate to have parents who don’t charge me rent until the back house is done and even then it won’t be much. Somehow it works.

Now, with rehearsals and everything, it looks like most weeks the only day I won’t be dancing is Wednesday.

I’m incredibly excited!

Hoping my body doesn’t give out on me.

Then, in class yesterday, one of the girls my age (who is more advanced and also a teacher) was standing behind me at the barre. We had a lot of quick-footed combinations, and even if I didn’t execute them perfectly, I was able to do my best and keep time.
She made a comment, “I like standing by you! I can follow you!”
Which made me feel like maybe I don’t suck as badly as I feel I do.
Also, did a better Grande Jete across the floor so even if it’s still sub-par, at least I’m getting better.

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