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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Pre-Summer?

It’s funny to me how what I end up writing and how I end up wording things can vary based on how I write it. If its on paper, it’s one thing, if it’s on a computer, it’s another, if it’s types on my phone, it’s a completely other thing. 

Anyway, irrelevant. 

There aren’t classes since its summer, but they are offering a few to the older dancers, just to keep us up on it all. 

The IV’s were invited along, which ended up being good since the class was so much smaller this time. They work hard, too, and focus, so that was really nice. But, of course, it’s gonna be the ones who really want it and work hard who will come to voluntary summer classes. Some of my fellow adult friends were also there, which made me happy to see them. Eloise was the lone VI in the class. 

I thought Matthew would be teaching his class as well, or at least taking it, but he wasn’t which was sad. Though Ms Munro taught, which was good. I like having a good Ms M class. She really grills ya and works with you. I was poorly placed between two good, younger dancers, so I wasn’t seen as much, but I still got corrections and really tried to implement them. It was complicated when I was limited due to ailments. I felt really stupid, but there isn’t much I can really do about it. I wish I could make my left leg grow a quarter inch. Just a quarter inch, that’s all. 

My right hip has been hurting, as well as my right knee. I sat out of one jump sequence, but did the second since it was more glissades than actual changements and stuff. A tiny bit easier on the knees. (Enough to risk.) we learned a new thing, but tough luck to try and type it out. She hardly said the proper term (it had a long name) and there’s no way I could remember it, let alone try to spell it. (Though I do need to learn French, especially since I have a friend in France.) I was able to do it, though, and it had a beat in it. It was actually a fun step, and for the first time I could actually feel myself beating my thighs and not just trying to get the ankles to cross. I still need to work on them, but it felt good to be able to do them. 

I’ve been getting pretty sick again and can’t seem to figure out how to combat it. It was becoming problematic in class and hindering me from doing as much as I should be able to do. I push through so much that I forget that how sick I really am sometimes, and it’s hard to do anything about when doctors keep saying your tests are perfect, and you can’t afford to go for more extensive testing. Food sucks. And it hates me. And it’s a real problem to try and dance if you can’t eat anything without getting sick. And then it makes me dread it. It’s a terrible cycle. Anyway. Some days are better than others and yesterday was just a rough day. I was flubbing up the combinations and my technique started lacking and I couldn’t hold my core right. It was rough. I made it through and did the best I could,  but I know I can do better, and it’s frustrating not being able to do your best. 

Summer schedule is out and the teacher schedule came out yesterday. I will be teaching two 3-5 year old ballet classes this summer, which is really exciting. It can be a hard class to teach since they’re so itty bitty, but it can also be a fun class. As long as you know what you’re getting yourself into, it’s possible to be successful with it. (Plus I’m sure the other teachers who have been here a while are glad to be shot of it.) My boss is letting me leave a little early to make the class on time, which is exceptionally kind of them. I really work for great, supportive people. 

Since the baby classes I have are on Monday and Wednesday, and the advanced summer classes are Tuesday and Thursday, I’m going to do the Adult classes this summer. I’ll be there anyway, and it really is a long way to drive for just 45 minutes. Might as well stay for class. And it’s a long way to go for just one class. Plus, I feel like being in the adult class will help me solidify some of the things I’ve missed out on from moving up the ranks so quickly. I haven’t grown up in this, but I come with a higher maturity than the youngers (by default) making what I lack almost invisible. I should be able to do it, right? Plus they’ve just had more time than me. I feel I should take a step back and work on perfecting what I know before I try to learn more. Plus, having a solid foundation will make learning new things that much smoother. More attainable. 

We’re having Monday classes too, now, so if you’re level IV or higher classes Monday start at 7. We’ll keep having the Wednesday classes as well. 

Summer should be good. I’ve got a funk to work through and health things to try and figure out, but I at least have hope. 

I still get to dance, and that is a good thing. 

Throughout this summer, I’ll really be evaluating my life and what is best for me. I went hard this last year, and I want to be able to get the most out of my days without compromising what’s important. Also without giving up what I love. 

This entry was posted in dance.
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