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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Last studio rehearsal. 

This weekend is our last rehearsals at the down town studio. 


Which is where I am currently. 

Yesterday we ran the whole show all the way through in costume. I completely forgot about getting pictures, but it went better than I was expecting. I wasn’t sure at all how my body would handle it, and I was shaking by the time we were doing the center part of warm up. 

I forced myself to keep a positive attitude. To not let my anxiety win out. I made myself take deep breaths before we went on for our first dance, hoping that it would encourage me to remember to breathe the entire dance. Apparently it worked, because I did the best I’ve done so far. It made me feel better about going into theatre week, but now I have to make sure I do the best I can to stay as healthy as I can be going into this week of long rehearsals and work deadlines and show weekend. 

Honestly, I’m not letting myself think about it all. Because if I think about it all, then I realize how overwhelming everything I’m doing really is. Not to mention the pressure I feel people are putting on me to keep up with everything I have on my plate without showing any inch of wear. It’s exhausting. I can’t even let myself think about things past shows and deadlines, because if I do that I get this tightness and panic that sits in my chest and doesn’t help anything. 

We’re here for another 3.5 hours. It’s our last bit of fine tuning and really getting the kinks out. Wednesday we begin rehearsals in the theater, and Friday is the school show. I won’t be in it, so I get released from rehearsal early Thursday as well. 

I hope to make updates throughout, but I’m not sure if that will happen. But there will be pictures! 
I hope you are all doing well! 

This entry was posted in dance.
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