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Yesterday was my IV’s class, which the class I do pointe in. The class before us is the II’s, which three girls from Instep are in. (I just ended two sentences with a preposition. I apologize.)
The II’s got their pointe shoes over the holiday’s, and yesterday was the day they got to put them on and get them approved. I loved getting to watch their excited faces, as well as a few of those who were undoubtedly questioning what they’ve gotten themselves into. Some of them seemed to have troublesome feet, some of them just have absolutely tiny feet. Regardless, it was fun to observe anyway. Some of the girls in my class started coming in and would chime in their stories of the day they got their shoes. One couldn’t remember the day, which made me laugh. One of the mom’s was complimenting one of the girls from my class on her dancing. She is so beautiful to watch and just has the natural grace about her. I was glad she said something to her, because it’s true. She obviously didn’t know how to take the compliment, which was cute, but really, she’s one of the girls I watch and try to be more like. I love having her in class. (Plus she’s hilarious.) But she was one of the girls who kind of took me in, so I’m really grateful.

We started off at the barre yesterday. Ms. Lori was focusing on the details, which we don’t always do, but I was very glad we did. It’s something that many of the other girls know but I haven’t really been taught. I was glad for the slow and detailed, and even more so when she walked around looking at us and said, “That’s right, good!” to me. Especially cause I wasn’t sure I was doing it right, hah.

We also got started on our recital piece yesterday. There are 13 of us, and we are in 3 groups of 3 and one group of 4. Each of the groups have a different colored costume; light blue, orchid, mint, and light pink. The tallest are in one group which is where I fall, and we got to choose first on the color costume. We decided to go with blue, taking into consideration all of our skin tones and the fact that at least two of us were in the orchid shade of purple and didn’t want that again. Not to mention another group really wanted it. I’m excited because the tutus are detachable and will be great for photo shoots. Win!
One of the girls wasn’t there, which was fine for yesterday but makes me nervous in the grand scheme of things, because she was the one I had issues with during Nutcracker. Great girl but I feel she brings my dancing down. She doesn’t always pay attention and can lead to impaired and unprepared dancing. Then they frantically look to us, and I don’t want that responsibility and stress on me. The other girl holds her own really well. I like dancing with her.

The dance is more of a Balanchine’s Serenade style of dance, which is new and exciting for me.
There was a moment when we were blocking that Ms. Lori was trying to figure out the next set of counts where she just ignored the rest of us and moved. It was beautiful, breathtaking, even. I loved just watching her as her brain created the next set that would be ours to dance.

So far my favorite is this section we do in waves where the first three groups do an arabesque into a kneel in turn, and we do an arabesque and run forward to do a hand fancy thingy (yeah, perfect terminology, right?) that’s different from the others. Plus we get to be seen. (yay tall people seen!)

The music is all strings, from the Vitamin String Quartet. I don’t know the name because all Ms. Lori was told was “Tribute” which is really vague for this particular artist because all of their music is a tribute. I want to sit down and try and find it, though, but when I have more time.

I got complimented on my feet yesterday, which made me feel really good. It also kind of surprised me, because when beginning ballet I didn’t think I would have much give in me since I’m so old and you kind of peak at sixteen or so. Yet it seems that I have gained in flexibility quite substantially in the last three years, and the fact my feet are improving makes me really happy.

Until next time.

❤

Yesterday was our first class back. And boy was I happy to be there!
It’s cold here (okay, okay, compared to most it’s not that cold, but for us it is! Especially the wind!) so most of us were lagging a little bit and the class was only about half-full, but it was a great class.

I realized on my way to the studio as I mentally went through everything that I would face, that this is the first time in this studio knowing as many people as I know. Our Nutcracker rehearsals are done at the Corpus Christi Ballet studio downtown, and the last time I was here at Munro Ballet Studios, I didn’t know near as many people. I was curious to see what would happen with that, if anything. Usually I sit and read until someone I know shows or until class starts, whichever happens first.

Yesterday was no different. Okay, I guess there was a slight difference. This time when some of the girls were showing one of the others how to use a stretch band, and it was funny, I could laugh and not look like a creeper. Because I knew the girls and man was it hilarious!
I was actually okay with it being like this. I didn’t want anyone talking to me just because of pictures (feeling obligated to, or like they could milk some special treatment out of me, etc. Dancers like pictures of them dancing, it’s just how it is. And photo shoots can be expensive. Or just cost money at all. When, let’s face it, most mom’s or little siblings or cousins–especially those uninterested in dance–don’t always get the best shots.) But it was normal, if anything, the air was friendlier. Nothing was awkward. It was wonderful.

We get into class and get started. All of us are freezing, so warming up was loads of fun. (hah.)
From the first plie in first, I noticed something. I looked down at my feet and saw that, hey, wait, those weren’t always that far apart, were they? Continued on and we got to the grand battement section. Mine usually aren’t extravagant, and I remember them being slightly below 90 degrees starting at Munro. But yesterday I noticed that I could see my foot in my peripheral vision. (this doesn’t usually happen.) So I started paying attention, while making sure my hips stayed square and didn’t go all crazy and I wasn’t leaning and all that, and wouldn’t you know it my foot was higher than 90 degrees! Not super high, but that’s irrelevant. Getting above 90 is a pretty big deal and quite the milestone. In this class, especially, the teacher will say, “oh, just keep it at 90” and I laugh because getting it there doesn’t typically happen, but now it does! I’m pretty excited.

I had noticed last year when I came back from one injury or another that kept me out for a couple weeks that when I’m gone for some time, and come back, I’m stronger. My flexibility increases. My focus is better. And I used to panic when I had to miss because I didn’t think I could afford lacking any classes because I was so behind in comparison, but really, it helps me.

I didn’t practice any ballet over the break. (aside from the occasional ronde jambe in the grocery store aisles or tendu in the closet) I did go walking when the weather was nice and stretched a few times, but even with that my foot and ankle started hurting so I couldn’t do much. (the cold, maybe?) And maybe I had hit these things during Nutcracker. I know I could feel my turns getting stronger and other things. Maybe I just didn’t notice these happening.

Whatever the case, I’m glad to be back!
(Pointe on Thursday!)

Nutcracker has come and gone and we have been on break since the closing show on December 21st.
(Uuuuuugh, I miss balleeeeeet)
It’s given me time to sort through the pictures I took at the show, get them hosted, and try to collect emails to get them out to people who want them.
In doing so–and also throughout the rehearsals and performances–I’ve gotten to know more of the dancers, which has been really cool.

When Instep first closed and we had to find a new studio, I felt good about Munro. Maybe because I had two friends who took there. Maybe because I used to pass it on the way to Instep. Maybe because Ms. Munro is British. Maybe it was that lady I met in the park with her niece when I was doing a photo shoot who told me she took adult classes there. (I have yet to see her again.) Regardless, not having Instep was an extremely difficult thing to process and being able to go into a studio that was brand spankin’ new to me and not panic was comforting. (And really saying something, I’m prone to panic.)
Ms. Munro was very kind to us and let us check out the classes to find our fit; even if we weren’t in the same age bracket, she let us do what we needed to get the training on the level we were. How many places do that? Not many, not many at all.

I figured out what classes were right for me and tried not to be awkward. I stuck with the few people I knew and seemed to gain a bit of cred for knowing Annika, which was awesome. (she goes to school with a few of the girls, so even though all of one talked to me before Nutcracker, they seemed to ease up around me. Tensions released. I was grateful.) I was grateful for my teacher who was bad at names because it gave me a chance to learn names along with her without being embarrassed at forgetting. The rest I picked up from rehearsals and asking around.

Most had no clue that I’m actually 26, which was kind of funny. Sometimes they’d look at me like, “Why are you in that class?” Because they thought I was their age, or at least in high school, some thought beginning college. But when we would get into conversation and someone would ask my age and I would tell them, they would then say, “Oh my gosh, I thought you were insert-age-here!” Then ask, “How long have you been dancing?” Which was when I could tell them “Three years in October” and follow up with, “I’ve been on pointe a year, but haven’t been able to dance more than three minutes until I got these shoes which was late September.” and then their eyes get wide and I feel like maybe where I am is okay. I find myself having to remind myself that these 9-year-olds doing doubles while I’m excited about landing a single well have been dancing longer than I have, even though they’re so young. And even so, this season has been my first that has been challenging me to be better. I was challenged a bit before, but not near as often as here. Bigger studio, more people, more challenge.

Well, now the pictures are starting to make their rounds and some of the principal dancers have given me their emails and I’ve sent over the links. The pictures are straight from camera, so sometimes I get a little embarrassed at their quality, but try to tell myself that it’s okay. The reactions I have gotten from the dancers has been nothing but encouraging. I was nervous about this, too, especially since I knew of a dancer that used to be here who also did photography. I didn’t want to come in and take pictures and really actually suck in comparison and look like I thought I was big stuff when I really wasn’t. (does that make sense?)
Anyway.
One of the principals was asking about pictures she had seen posted, so I sent her the links and felt horrible because I thought I had gotten more of her, but turns out I got the other girl she was sharing the role with more which is just the luck of the draw, but still. She was kind still, and one of the pictures she had seen was taken by my friend from the audience, so I was still able to find it for her and get it for her so she’s thrilled.
Here is some of what she had to say in our conversation,

You took so many! I feel spoiled! I had no idea you took so many!
Now I know who to go to when I need good dance shots!
Be sure and tell Mrs. M and Robin they are always looking for photographers!
And I hope you are auditioning for Wizard of Oz I know Julie would love to have you around!!
The Arabian ones are perfect! No worries thank you for the ones you did take that’s more than I could have hoped for!!

It really made me feel good to hear this. I don’t want to step on any toes or over any bounds while trying to find my place at this studio and in the company, so to hear such praise from a principal really warmed my heart. (And she’s not the only one. I’ve seen people make my pictures of them their profile pictures on social media and get so excited and it really makes me feel good.) Especially that she said she hoped I was auditioning for our spring show. It’s the first time we’re doing this show, so no one knows what to expect. I have no idea if there will even be a role for me. Based on who was cast in last years show (albeit very different than this one) it was the level I don’t do pointe in and higher that had the roles. So I’m not sure if I would even be considered. But maybe? I don’t know. I guess we’ll see what’s needed and what happens. Regardless, I would love to take pictures for them anyway.

And taking the pictures, honestly, I don’t do it with the intentions to get people to like me, or to try and show them I’m awesome or whatever. Honestly, sometimes I think I fall short and am mediocre because I am always seeing the people who are better than me that I know. (Even my friend with the picture the one dancer saw.) If you have the eye, photography is a lot about being in the right place at the right time.
I had never been in a place that allowed me the opportunity to get shots from the wings, and I think it is a very special kind of shot; especially for the dancer. It comes from the point of view they experience the show from, rather than the point of view they are portraying. (Which can also be good, but still.) So with this show, I wanted to try and break out of the box and challenge myself with my photos by taking what was in front of my and trying to display the beauty in it. To know that I took this challenge and people accepted it makes me feel like I’m doing something right in the world.

I shared the photos for a few reasons:

One was so that people wouldn’t write me off as a creeper–taking all these pictures and no one ever seeing them anywhere. It helps make them more open to take their picture (especially since I’m new to everyone) and warms them up to me.

Two was the fact I’ve known so many people to die that never had pictures of the things they loved doing, or did and that is what the family held to. Or people who grow older and have no proof or point of contact to show their children/grandchildren. And as I started passing the pictures around, I heard more than once of girls who were Clara who didn’t have a single picture to show for it, or older dancers who have no photos of their career. That is sad to me.

Which leads to Three. I’m there anyway, my camera is my second left arm. It’s so easy for me to take these pictures and host them for them to download and have. If it’s so easy and absolutely no skin off my nose, why wouldn’t I do it? If it’s effortless and noninvasive and does something for the betterment of someone else, how could I not?

This may sound silly, but it makes me feel like my life is worth something; like I’m doing something good in this world. I don’t feel that often and really struggle with the thought of my life not having meaning, and I swear I’m not as shallow as that sounds. But still. I have one life and I want to do as much good with it as possible. I want to fill my days and not just let them pass me by. Once they’re gone, they’re gone.

It’s why I dance. It’s why I shoot.
I want to take parts of me and give them to people. Whether it’s an image or an experience.

As I’ve thought of what I wanted to write for our final show, I have trouble finding words.

What started out as a simple decision to try something new since I’m already at a new studio turned out to be one of the greatest things I’ve ever done.

I’ve faced fears–so many fears–right in the face and overcame them. I’ve tried so many new things and met new people. I was able to take pictures backstage throughout the whole thing and give them to the dancers and/or their parents. I’ve been welcomed in a warm way, which has been more of a relief than I even hoped for.

Last night’s show wasn’t my best (I’d say Saturday’s was) but to think of how far I’ve come from the beginning of this, my “not best” greatly surpasses my hope for a maybe best when this started.
Does that even make sense?
It was a late night and I’m at work and still on a Nutcracker high.

I’m really sad it’s over, but so beyond grateful to have been a part of this wonderful production; and in it’s 40th year, no less!
One of those moments when you just feel the reality of the moment you’re in happened again last night. I was on stage, during the finale (which we actually did right!) and you could see the top of the conductor’s head, forehead scrunched in concentration as he led the musicians. A perspective I’ve never seen but in movies. It was amazing.

So, since words are failing me, here are some pictures. 😀

while we were warming up, some of the kids started getting there. The curtain was open, and they sat and watched us with eyes of wonder. I kept thinking how cool it was to be a part of something that is inspiring children, something that’s a tradition for so many families.
When the show was over, we got to do a meet and greet. We waved as the kids walked by and gave high fives and the sort. I loved seeing their faces light up when your eyes met theirs. So sweet.

After the second show, one of the girls in my group, Emerson, said a little kid told her our part was their favorite. Day = made.

My brain spaced and I forgot to add in key points about Thursday’s class in my last post. But, oh well. They’re in the journal. That’s what matters, right?

Remember that Autoimmune Paleo diet? Yeah, it ended up getting the better of me. I wound up really sick on Saturday night/Sunday morning and was debating going to the ER. Thankfully, I somehow managed to fall back asleep and woke up without the crippling nausea (I can’t throw up–long story–so it makes me a little scared when it gets like that.) I was really weak and had dropped 7 pounds in four days, and 4 of those pounds were over night somehow. Really scary stuff.

I still went to Nutcracker Rehearsals, and just told my teacher about it before hand so she was aware if I had to hold back any. She said I could wear my flat shoes if I wanted, so I did. I was so grateful that she was so understanding about it. I didn’t want to look weak or unable to keep up. I don’t want to be, like, a liability or whatever, and I didn’t want her to be upset that I had never told her about this before if I’ve been dealing with it for so long. But it wasn’t like that at all, and sometimes the movement of activity somehow helps? I don’t know.

Good news is, I didn’t pass out. I was able to make it through the rehearsal and be okay and today I’m feeling loads better, so I’m hopeful. I know my part is quite minimal compared to the other members, but still. Doing that much when you feel like crap is probably more than I should have done. Oh well.

This week is our Auditorium Rehearsal week! Because, ya know, we have two school performances on Friday, and then our first weekend on Saturday and Sunday! I’m excited and nervous, and will probably feel a lot better after a few full run-throughs. This is my first show ever. I mean, I’ve done recitals and I’ve done plays, but those are different. Our finale is ROUGH but we kinda weren’t properly shown what to do and can’t seem to get the timing right… I’m really hoping everything comes together. Chinese seems to get a bad rap, and I want to do the best I can to change that.

Also, my friend was called out during corrections after rehearsal for giving it her all during Roses, going full out, then telling Ms. Munro she has two bruised toenails that are falling off… Ms. Munro was impressed. hehehe

There’s those dance days that make you feel defeated, and then there are those days where you surprise yourself and leave feeling like you can take over the world.

Thankfully, yesterday’s class was the latter.

Although, we still didn’t get to have Mrs. Lori, she did pop in and go over some recital stuff with us.
She played us the song we’ll be dancing to and showed us a couple different options for costumes. There was this one that had three different colors–a rose, a soft blue, and a gold– and lots of detail, then there was one that was a leotard and a (romantic) tutu separate, but had many more color options. When she asked our opinions, no one really said anything, so I spoke up, “I like the detail in the first one, but–coming from a photographer stand point–I really like that the second one is separate. I can use it for photo shoots.” One of the girls really didn’t want the first ones, and everyone else seemed to like the second ones, so we went with it. They look like this:

Then we had to choose between the gemstone colors and the pastels. She played the music, which is by the Vitamin String Quartet and I immediately freaked out because strings just do something to me I can’t explain and I was so excited, and said she saw it as pastels, and we all agreed. So then we all wrote down our top three favorite colors of our choices so Mrs. Lori could decide how she would order them and choreograph according to the colors. Let me just say, I am beyond excited.
The music just makes me feel alive; like this is what I am here to do. Like I will be able to do this well and portray the picture in my heart that has been aching to be seen for years. I’m really hopeful about it. I’m pumped.

So the girls passed the paper around, picking their colors, changing their minds, talking possibilities and saying “Orchid” as “Orchard.” When it got to just be dilly-dally conversation, I put the papers back in their folders, closed the book, and took it to Ms. Nancy. The girls wanted to keep looking at it and comparing things, but we were already starting class late, (Some of my Instep girls from the class before got approved for pointe shoes!!! I’m so proud!!) and now this was taking up time. I didn’t want us to lose the whole class, and Mrs. Lori was in the other studio, so I just did it. (One of the girls later told me she liked that I did that. hehehe) Ms. Munro came in and we got the class started.

I’m having to do this Autoimmune Paleo diet thing to try and get my intestines to function normally, and I started on Wednesday. Let me tell you, day two has been the worst I have felt in a long time. I hate it. I had energy, but I felt drained. When we did a back cambre, my head immediately started pounding. I felt like I couldn’t get enough breath, and at one point when I tried to catch up with deep breaths, the room started spinning and I lost vision for a second. It was scary and I hated it.
But somehow, even with all this, it was one of the best classes I’ve had.
Maybe because the feeling in my stomach took my focus away from the feeling of fear.

I was able to do complex pique combinations with ease. I successfully managed pirouettes on both sides. I even was able to do a plie rollup on one foot into arabesque and then into front attitude. These used to scare the crap out of me, and here I was, doing them.

At one point, after my group had already done a combination, I watched the feet of one of the girls dancing after me. It was an interesting moment where it hit me–those things I see other people’s feet doing, those gifs I watch online or the combinations in rehearsal. I’m doing those. I’m dancing pointe. My feet are doing what this girls feet are doing. Successfully. My feet look like hers. I’m dancing en pointe.

I guess sometimes I waste all this effort thinking about how much I want to accomplish and how difficult it’s going to be, instead of thinking of how far I’ve come and what I’m doing now. It doesn’t matter how long it takes me to get to x,y,z. Look at where you are now. Look at the ground you’ve covered in this year–heck, the last 3 months. It’s a lot to be proud of and grateful for.

So, once again, ballet reminded me of why I like life. And for this I am eternally grateful.

I had lunch with my old dance teacher and a couple of dance friends on Saturday. We–of course–talked about dance and where we were and what she was up to. She told us of some former students of hers who are now at companies, and some of the students she has now that are absolutely new to dance and how different it is for them. The contrast was immense.
One of my friends brought up the “rivalry” between our studio and another studio (we tend to be rivals with all the other studios? I don’t know.) and how my friend had noticed an atmosphere difference. She described the girls as “snooty” whereas at our new studio, they were warmer.

Jilissa pointed out that the girls who may come across as snooty could actually just be very focused. Many dancers can come off that way, solely because they are so determined to do their best and work their hardest. It’s all about them, not because they’re selfish, but because it takes so much work on yourself to improve.

My new dance teacher touched on the rivalry last night after we received a letter expressing frustration with our dancers and how they disrespected the other studio. Turned into a life like episode of Dance Moms, in turn just a bunch of misinterpretation and assumptions. (An adult even yelled at one of our Clara’s, who is seriously the sweetest thing in the world. And like, 12. Who does that?)

During rehearsal yesterday, we had a challenging warm up. The teacher who was leading it is the teacher from the advanced class, and he just says it once through and you do it. Most dancers got shook up by this, especially if they weren’t used to it, or new to it entirely. But Brian doesn’t mess around, and even though it was a bit challenging, I loved it. It would take some getting used to, but I loved it.
But I liked being with all (most all) of the company dancers. I seriously have visions of sugar plumbs dancing in my head. I want to work hard and be like that one day. These girls are absolutely beautiful dancers and captivating to watch. I loved being among them. Sometimes about being surrounded by someone better than you makes you strive to be better. I appreciated that.
On the same thought, it made me realize how lax so many people are. Maybe I have a different view coming at this from being older, but some of them just seem to take it for granted. They have this studio full of amazing teachers imparting such wisdom into them, yet they show disrespect, and talk about pointless stuff, and don’t pay attention and waste time. The ones who improve? The ones who become the advanced dancers? The ones who go on to become bigger and better dancers as whole? The ones who pay attention.
You can see it in the Clara’s. Anyone can want to be a Clara, but you have to work for it. Want isn’t enough. You have to strive.

Dictionary.com defines the following

Want:
to feel a need or desire for; wish for

Strive:
To exert oneself vigorously; try hard

See the difference? Those Clara’s work hard–and they have to. All the choreography they do, all the roles they play, all the rehearsals they have to attend. You have to be sharp and pay attention. You have to try hard.

Sure, you’ll still advance if you just dance during class. You’ll get better with time. But if you really work hard at it, you’ll be that much better that much quicker.
It’s the difference between someone going struggling to keep up, and someone who actually dances their part. The difference between seeing the fear, panic, and thought process on their face, and seeing the character.

The audience typically doesn’t know how difficult it is. It’s our job to make ballet look easy. That’s the beauty of it. To take the pain away from the viewer, to feel light as air.

You may not have the rest of your life to dance. You might not do this after you graduate. Sure, you miss some social things or whatever. Ballet is sacrifice. And honestly, the work you put into it won’t let you down. People let you down, heck your own body might even let you down, but hard work won’t. Not in something like this.

Yesterday I left rehearsal feeling better than I did going in.

During rehearsal yesterday, we got to watch the tail end of the Mirliton rehearsal before us.
One of my friends from my old studio was cast in this role, and I was absolutely beaming with pride at how she is taking on these roles and thriving. Like, seriously, I’m beyond proud.
So anyway, I was watching them rehearse, and it seemed like Ms. Munro was only getting onto Annika. Granted, most of these girls have danced this role for years and years and years, and this is Annika’s first time, so the poor girl has had her work cut out for her. But she takes the correction, and runs with it, and thrives, and *tears* so proud.
And the fact that she just turned 15 last week and new to this studio and already dancing soloist roles and keeping up with these girls that have done these roles for years blows my mind.
I had this thought process while watching Ms Munro correct her:
“You got this, Annika. Don’t let it bother you. She picks on the ones that show promise.”
Because, see, the other girls weren’t perfect either. But she kept correcting Annika. Whether it is because she knows the other girls temperaments, (they’re the ones late for class every week) or something else, she kept correcting Annika until she was perfect.
Because when she corrects her, she takes it, and does it.
Because she knows it’ll make her a better dancer.
Because she knows she’ll rise out of the sting of the correction and be better.

And it’s like life.
It seems that all the best people have the most junk thrown at them.
It seems like the people who just couldn’t care less are the ones doing alright.
Life picks on the ones that show promise.

Hold on, there, little Mirliton.
You’ll be better for all this.