If you don’t like rants, don’t read this.

I’ve been putting off writing an update because, honestly, I don’t have anything flowery or happy to say right now.
I tried yesterday, but that just led to this update window being up for 6 hours before I finally closed it, knowing nothing was going to be posted that day.

I’ve been having a difficult time in my life; mentally, emotionally, physically.
And I know it won’t last forever, and I know I’ll be fine eventually, but right now I’m not. And it’s something I just have to get through. But I used to have this horrible habit of bottling things up and ignoring them until they exploded, or I did something I shouldn’t do, or whatever, and I can’t do that anymore. Instead I have to go through the unpleasant process of actually letting myself feel things. And it sucks. And it can be dark. and I don’t typically like taking people there with me. But it’s part of the process, and this is my story, so whatever. I can’t be any different than who I am. I can strive to be better, which is what I am doing, but I must remember that I am still human.
I will never not be human.

And I’ve been struggling heavily with appearance lately. And the hardest part is that I am extremely limited as to what positive action (or action at all, really) that I can take with this. This makes it more difficult, because I inevitably don’t have much control over the situation. Not as much as I need, at least.

You see, I haven’t been well since I was 14. And there are all sorts of theories and such as to why. I know part of it was due to the fact that I didn’t really eat for four years, but no doctor is doing anything about it. Surely there has to be some kind of something we can do to help my body? Something? Whatever. (It should be noted that my family practitioner has done everything she can. But she’s limited. Heart of gold, though.) So, I’ve been tested since I was 19 and finally went to the doctor about it all. Fast forward to me now at 26, and I’m better than I was then, but not much. (I am also missing an organ I had back then, so there’s that.)
In all this nonsense, I have found it very difficult to lose weight. The way it has escalated, if I don’t eat enough–which feels like too much–I get really light headed and feel weak and cloudy-brained. Which, of course, isn’t good for ballet. I also get tired really easily, especially if I am not able to get copious amounts of sleep. If I eat the wrong thing, I can feel really nauseous, or like it’s just sitting in my stomach, which makes me feel really lethargic and sluggish. (And is horrible for ballet.) Sometimes I really struggle with being able to use my core at all. Sometimes (most of the time) I get really light headed after doing a back cambre, (thanks for the spelling tips, justanotherbunhead! 🙂 Just wish I could get the accent mark on that e…hmm… ) or a “circle” as we call it. I’ll lose vision for a couple seconds, and won’t really be able to think, yet still have to keep up with the moves so I don’t look lost. When I eat the wrong thing, now I can’t tell if it’s some odd reaction to not having a gallbladder, or something else. Sometimes the only way to keep the feeling away is by continuing to eat. Sometimes I just don’t want to eat anything at all, but I have to. There are all sorts of theories and possibilities, but one stomach specialist (who made me feel like utter and complete ignorant crap) told me, “I don’t know what else to do for you.” The next one agreed with the first and just put me on anxiety medication (It’s what they give diabetics to rewire their brain into thinking that what’s pain isn’t pain.)
Okay. Great. Thanks, jackasses.
So, back at square one. I don’t know what’s wrong, my gallbladder crapped out in the process, and I still feel like crap 97% of the time. I don’t know what normal is anymore, I don’t enjoy food or eating, yet I don’t want to not eat enough and pass out. It sucks, and I’m stuck.

Also, I’m currently living at my parents home, where there isn’t room for me. It’s only temporary, but it should have been finished by now. And there’s nothing I can do to speed up time, so I just have to wait.
This also limits how much I can practice, being that I don’t even have the space to work on splits or do a sit up or anything currently. I really need to work on my pirouette’s for Nutcracker, and I just can’t. And it’s all getting closer and makes me panic.
Not to mention that I really want to improve. I want to get better. But there is literally nothing I can do at home.
And the only way for me to lose weight is to walk. But I haven’t been able to for a while because a. I was injured when the weather was nice and now b. the mosquitoes are either too bad or it’s raining, which causes more mosquitoes because we freakin’ can’t get a cold enough cold front to get rid of them and c. we live in the country, so a gym membership is a joke. And my clothes aren’t fitting and my leos are problematic and they hardly make them big enough for me as it is.

My solutions are seemingly simple but still unattainable.
I still don’t know what’s making me sick, but I can’t try these different remedies since I don’t have any space in the kitchen. It’s gotten to where there are days I just have to go without eating all together (which SUCKS after a long dance day) because no one warned me, mom didn’t cook anything (and didn’t tell me) or cooked something I can’t eat without getting sick. (You must understand that I don’t have space to put anything to plan this out in advance. I can’t eat most “ready-made” things. It really sucks.)
Also, there is no seeming rhyme or reason let alone a patter to what I can and can’t eat, so it’s really difficult to find things.

Needless to say, it’s stressful.
And no one understands the amount of sleep I need, and how important it is, and that I’m not just whining, but this is legit. Because most people can’t even tell I’m sick, they just think I’m lazy if they see anything.

And I feel a lot of pressure to be better than I am. Because I’m freakin’ 26, and I’ve “been on pointe” for a year, even though I just got the right shoes, which have been causing blisters so I still have a ways to go to figure all of that out. So I feel extremely behind, and I really just want to be better.
And then I have people saying, “they know you’re only dancing for like, a minute, right? I don’t want them to be disappointed, paying all that money and you’re not dancing for very long” whenever I excitedly sell another ticket to a friend who wants to see me. Which makes me want to be better at the minute I am on stage, so no one is disappointed, or I don’t make a fool of myself on stage. Because I should be better. It shouldn’t hurt this badly. Gah, keep it together, Emilee.
And then people asking if I get to wear a tutu and be like a real ballerina, and seeing their faces drop as I have to explain, “It’s more of a character part” and make it sound as good as possible so they won’t be disappointed that I’m only there a short time in second act. And I don’t want people to come and see me and have it in their mind that I’m great only to see me and it seem juvenile or easy. Because it’s not. Not for me.

And then I have freaking friends die, and people complaining to me about how mentally and physically drained they are, and I have no empathy. And other people who are so happy and I want to be happy with them, but inside I’m really very sad. And feeling rather hopeless. And I know it’ll get better, but it’s not yet, and that’s probably the worst thing, because I feel like an idiot or like I’m weak for feeling these things.

So, moral of the post.
If you find yourself rowing a similar boat.
You’re not weak
You’re not hopeless
It will get better, but it’s not yet, and that’s okay
It’s okay to feel these things
You are human, after all.
Leave yourself room to be human.
Days will come when everything is perfect. Fight for those days.
But when they aren’t here, that’s okay too.
It’s okay. 


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