There have been things in my life that have been sapping my strength and energy and focus, causing my brain to be rather cloudy and my reactions to be less than typical. I try to push through but I noticed myself losing focus during class yesterday.
(And people wonder why I try to keep my schedule rather clear. I can’t give all my time away when what I have for myself is used to tear me down to pure exhaustion.)
We had combined classes, and Mrs. Julie taught both of them. I was really excited when I found out she would be teaching. I’ve only had one actual class with her at the beginning of last semester, but I remember loving it. Then we had Oz which obviously was wonderful. We’re the same age and she’s really easy to work with, as well as a fun person, making her classes a great balance of enjoyment and work.
She pushes you. She expects no less than your best, and if you slack she’ll call you on it. But she does it all to make you better.
She worked us and worked us hard. She opened class saying that she understood this was a very mixed group, and she would give combinations starting with the most advanced. If it was too much for us, we could ask for option two and she’d give it. If that was still too much, she would give option three, and so on.
Sometimes they would ask, sometimes they were too shy.There were a few times when I asked if they wanted me to ask, but no one spoke up, so I didn’t. A couple of the girls still had deer-in-the-headlights looks in their eyes, so I asked if they were stuck on something. One of the quieter girls, who has recently started opening up, told me she just didn’t understand it. I broke it down a bit slower and did it with her, and by the end of it she had it. Sometimes just seeing the step can make things feel overwhelming, but when you can take it apart bit by bit, you see it’s not as scary as it seems and actually something you can handle.
(tadaaaaaa, life lesson right there.)
Usually on Thursdays we do Choreography and Variations, but since it was an augmented schedule, Mrs Julie did Ballet then Choreography.
I was totally okay with this. I had debated not going to dance yesterday since this week has been particularly difficult, but Elizabeth made a good point, “the kids will make it worth it.” And they did, they always do.
I did, however, leave after Ballet. My knee was hurting and I felt my back shift at one part (I had also just left the chiropractor with my next appointment being 2 weeks from now. sigh.) and didn’t want to be rolling all over the floor and make anything worse. Plus, being vulnerable is really difficult for me at this point in time since I’m so run down I can’t really make sense of things. It’s as though there isn’t a filter on my emotions, and I don’t want to be too much. Or talk too much. I can get really bad at not realizing my mouth is saying my thoughts when I get like this.
The girls were sort of shocked and sad I wasn’t staying. But I told them it was my knee and to be awesome like I knew they would be. They are such sweet girls. (Jazz hands after a combination to make Julie laugh was a pretty great memory, too.)
Some of them have been getting rather fearful recently. It’s sad to see, because you know they are incredibly talented and more than capable, but they’ve started to pick apart what they’re doing and only focus on where they fall short (or where they think they fall short) instead of focusing on what is right and building on it. Some of them are starting to hit that stage in development where this happens. My goal is to be as reassuring to them as possible to help them reach their goals and develop as few complexes as possible.
When Julie asked, I told her it was my knee, but also that Chipotle exists and I need it in my life.
I ended up staying to talk to Ms. Nancy, our receptionist, for a bit. She told me a few things that left me feeling very encouraged about my current standings with life, so that was nice.
After I left (and got Chipotle) Lillian text me so I went over to see her for a bit. I don’t think I’ve actually seen her face since the Beeville show, so it was really great to sit on her living room floor and laugh at her cat as she darted through a paper bag to attack a (toy) mouse while we talked about dance.
We got the schedule for how the classes in July will go, two weeks of which I will be gone. But I’m excited. I love dance, I love ballet. I wish I could do it more, but I’m so grateful for what I can do. I want to make it more of a priority and integral part of my life, but I’m not sure what that means for me quite yet.
I’m content where I am.
Next private lesson is tomorrow!
Started ballet late October of 2011 at the age of 23.
Began pointe training late August of 2013.