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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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First Advanced Class

I was nervous, but I tried not to let myself feel it.
I don’t even really know if “nervous” is the right word, because actually I felt comfortable.
But comfortable isn’t the right word either, because this was definitely out of my comfort zone.

I felt safe.

I had my first 6’s class yesterday, and it was in a safe place, so I knew I could try and possibly fail and it would be okay. I knew a lot was expected out of me, and honestly I want a lot to be expected out of me.

I’m surrounded by my friends and some of the best dancers in our studio; ones I usually size myself up against and find that I am below. Except yesterday, I didn’t just see the ones who’s legs battement up to their ears and think of how far I still have to go. I saw the ones whose legs battement about 90 degrees, similar to mine. I saw girls fighting for turn out. I saw the ones who struggle with combinations and closing in fifth when the tempo is quick. I saw other people’s legs shaking, too, and how we were all challenged in our own right.

Sure, I’m lacking in areas in comparison, but so are each and every one of us.
No one is perfect. No one can be.
We all strive for perfection, and strive to improve, but we’ll never reach it.
(That’s not the point.)
If reaching it were possible, why dance at all?
What would you get out of it?

This class has two classes attached, the latter being the pointe class. I can only afford 5 classes, which is already a splurge, so I opted to only take the ballet part of Tuesday’s and then take the other 6’s class on Thursday, instead of doing the full day Tuesday (which is technically two classes) and nothing Thursdays.

Mrs. Julie explained how the classes would be run and what she expected out of us. I knew I was the different one in the class since the rest of the new 6’s were full 5’s last year, and that all this was new to me. I asked Julie about it and she said that I might only get to do barre, and I told her that was fine since I wouldn’t be doing pointe in this class anyway and that it’s just my extra class for the extra push and challenge and work. She spoke to me like she thought I was capable of doing full on 6’s, pointe and everything.
Maybe one day. Maybe even halfway through the year, I don’t know. But right now, I shouldn’t risk it.

I am realizing that the main part of my issue right now is my right knee. It’s hurting really badly to where plieing, and plieing properly is a challenge. It holds me back and I’m not sure what to do about it.
I’ve had physical therapy for it, and have a theraband to do the things at home myself. But it feels like it’s bruised underneath or that my kneecap will just pop off. They say I have arthritis, but didn’t really tell me what I can do about it, and all the creams with 65 year old golfers kneeling on the pamphlet don’t work, so I don’t really know what else to do. I’ve tried a brace and it just made it worse, and the last time I taped it, it was a flop. (I plan to try again.)
I’m wondering if the fact it’s my longer leg has an affect. It started feeling better when I started going to the chiropractor, but now it’s hurting again, and badly.
I don’t want to have to be so cautious, to where I can’t do anything even mildly quick. I can only go so far like this, and I’m reaching the max.
I want to go farther.

There has to be a way, right?

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