I feel like a bag of excuses.

I left class after barre yesterday.
About 30 minutes early.

The bug bite on my elbow had swelled up pretty good and my foot was hurting (and I even found more bites?) which was making the dance mom’s concerned. I blamed it on that and told Ms. Munro I was gonna leave to take care of it. They did hurt and were bothersome, but really my stomach was hurting and making me dizzy.

Before I left, we had what I thought was a pretty successful barre. Brian wasn’t there, so Ms. Munro taught us, which made me happy since I already know her style and she knows about my knee.
I tried to do my best in spite of it all. I found myself balancing decently and lifting more and having better posture and more expression. (I don’t know why, though.) There was a point we did a cambre forward and back on releve and Ms. Munro complimented me. This took me by surprise. Usually I can’t hold my balance very well doing this on releve. Usually my hips move too much or I tense up all funny I don’t make it all the way. But this time, I actually did it, and Ms. Munro saw, and she complimented me.
Later on, we were doing a combination that included doing a develope a la seconde and holding it there–something I’m typically not very good at. But I did it. And Ms. Munro saw it. And she complimented me again. And to top it off, it was pretty high as well. And turned out. That’s when she saw me, as I fought for the turn out. And I think she was about to correct me but then I did it myself and she was happy I caught it.
So that was cool.
We also did this lunge into a front cambre, then took it to a back cambre and she said, “This is Swan Lake!” And on the side with the good knee, I was able to make it really dramatic. I don’t think she saw, but it felt good. So that was nice.

Yesterday’s really good barre made me feel hopeful.
I left early since I wouldn’t be able to do many of the jumps anyway.
I’m going to see if I can get another lift from the chiropractor for my shoe so I can cut it down to fit my pointe shoes better. Something. I think I’ll see if I can ask him why my leg is longer, because referring back to x-rays, the longer leg is the one with the jacked-up hip, so I don’t know if rolling out will fix anything. But I need some kind of solution. I need to be able to continue to improve and to be able to use my right knee.
Not being able to do simple things that shouldn’t be difficult can make you feel pretty defeated. And scared.
And I wish I knew exactly what to do for it so I could be doing it, but there doesn’t seem to be clear direction here. Or answers. Which seems to be the story of my life. So I’m making do with what I have and hoping something will happen and that I don’t screw it up more.
Trying to balance risk with wisdom is rather difficult.

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