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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Hi, I’m human.

This week has been a rough one, to say the least.
I managed to make it through classes the last three days, only having to sit out the last two or so combinations in yesterday’s class, which was the longest of the week.

I saw my chiropractor yesterday, and asked him further about my knee. He said my right leg is longer and it is because it just is. That the reason it hurts is because I roll in that foot when I plie to compensate for the elevated hip on that side. Doing so is causing the knee pain, and also causing me to not work the correct muscles. This makes my right leg weaker, and is the reason why my releves and turns and everything else are harder on that side. (though my balance is better.) Now I just need to focus on doing specific work outs for that leg to gain strength, and in the mean time I have a brace that is actually helping this time around.
(I also taught him what the term plie is. He was pretty proud of himself. I’ll quiz him next appointment.)

That being said, I’m not able to go to class today. Last week was rough on me physically, and not just because of my knee. I’ve had issues with my stomach/internal organs for a few years now, and doctors haven’t been able to pinpoint why. So far, doctors don’t seem to be too concerned. Whatever.
Recently, it’s gotten to be something I can’t ignore. Last week I tried, but this week has left me shaking in ways I have never experienced, forgetful to the point I didn’t even know it was something I could be forgetting, and oddly dizzy, which isn’t good for a dancer. I would get home just in time to get physically sick (thankfully, and amazingly) and the details of it no one really wants to hear. (Except my pre-med friend. She gets all the juicy details.)
I’ve been looking into what I can do about all of this, since the doctors locally seem to be lost on what else to try. A friend suggested a doctor in Central Texas. I looked into it, but would need a referral. I tried to think through what was the best course of action; should I just try my doctor here again? Should I ask for the referral? Am I gonna get quizzed or yelled at for trying to go elsewhere? Is there even anything else she could do, if the last few times I googled to come up with what to do and told her and that’s how we figured that out?
I was speaking to one of the dance mom’s (Ya know, my biggest fan, Mrs. Rowland 🙂 ) and she suggested a clinic here locally. It would be considered out of town for most people, but since we both live in the boondocks, it’s not all that bad. Just as far as driving to the other one I go to, just the other way.
I was a big girl and called to see about an appointment, and they’re able to get me in on Tuesday, which surprised me since I’m a new patient. I’m incredibly grateful, though, since I don’t know how long I’ll last based on these last few days. I considered going to the ER last night, but I don’t trust it, so I’m going to try and tough it out and take it easy. (Don’t worry, Mrs. Rowland, if it gets too bad I’ll go.) (And I’ll let you know I’m there.)
I spoke with Mrs. Alex about it last night, letting her know what was going on. I have been having to tell my teachers about it each day so they don’t freak out if I suddenly leave or have to do something halfway or have that glazed look on my face. I was kind of expecting yesterday’s teacher to just kind of listen to me, then tell me a simple, “Okay, well just take it easy” type of thing, but she didn’t. She was genuinely concerned for me. It made me feel really cared about. Like, I know people care about me, but dang all this support from everyone is a new concept. I really like it.
I told Mrs. Alex, and let her know I had the appointment on Tuesday and all that. I asked her what her opinion was on Festival. (The studio goes every year. I’m older, but it doesn’t really matter which, for me, is really great because I didn’t have these opportunities when I was younger and to know I didn’t miss out completely is really cool. It’s in the Spring, and they take different pieces, and there’s incredible master classes–all really enticing.) I booked two weddings last week (woo!) which could cover the fees and stuff, but I found myself hesitant. She told me a little more detail about it, and after I told her about my fear I’d get placed in too high of a level and die (hah,) I told her. “Honestly, I really want to go, especially for the Master Classes, but I don’t know how I’ll be health-wise then. This could be simple, but what if it’s not? I don’t know if Festival would be too much with already having Nutcracker and Swan Lake. I want to do well with those.” It was a valid point. She agreed that it might be best to sit out this year, even if I didn’t want to have to. So I think that is my decision at this point. (sad face.)

In other happy news…
Last week, when I was in the office on Friday waiting for the class I was helping with to start (since I’m crazy early for everything all the time) one of the teachers I hadn’t met (until that day) was talking with Ms. Munro and Nancy about covering days she would be gone. They asked if I was interested in subbing, and how they thought I would be great at it. (“You were born to teach!” thanks Ms. M) There was another girl they were looking at possibly having cover, so I told them if she fell through, I could do it.
The other girl looked pretty promising. I forgot about it.
I walked into class yesterday, and Nancy asked me if I could do it. The other girl fell through.
I’d have to leave work a little early (darn.) and it would be two classes–a 3/4 ballet and a 9-12 ballet. I told her I could and asked her different things about it since I’ve only ever seen one 5/6 class here and it was last week’s.
During class, Ms. Munro came over while I was at the barre (hahahahaha, yeah, while Mrs. Alex was showing a combination. Not gonna lie, I felt really important) and asked if I could do Mia’s class this Friday. She needed to cover the Tap class at the same time, and the easiest solution was to move Mia to the Tap and have me do the Ballet class I help her with.
So. Here we go! I teach my first class tomorrow! You’re looking at the newest staff member at Munro Ballet Studios! (Officially tomorrow when I fill out the W-4. Woo!)

That’s a pretty exciting step in a direction I love. I know it’ll be even better once I’ve done these classes and realized it wasn’t a disaster and get my feet wet in it and kinda have a handle on it. To be the teacher in the class–the one in charge, not just the helper or moral support for the teacher–is a pretty intense concept.
Look mom, I’m a real adult!

(And now I can finally answer “Yes” when I tell people that I do ballet and they automatically ask “Oh, you teach?” since in their mind a near-twenty-seven-year-old couldn’t logically be a student.)
(hehe)


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