Swan Lake it til you make it. 

I was a little nervous going into rehearsal today, being that I hadn’t really danced all week. My ankle still doesn’t feel it’s best, and I’m notorious for pushing through things I really shouldn’t, so that also made me nervous. I got sick twice before rehearsal, and was really feeling it during, but managed to power through anyway. 

(For those of you new to the blog, I get sick for seemingly no reason and with little warning. Doctors aren’t sure what the deal is, as the tests all come back just fine. Meh.) 

Warm up went well. Ms Munro complimented me by name again, but I don’t remember what for. But it’s still nice to hear something from the teacher, be it correction or compliment. 

Honestly, it felt good just to be back in the studio again. I was slightly over being around so many people, but it wasn’t all that horrible. I feel like I hardly saw some of my friends, though, which makes me sad. (Lookin at you, Abarrane.) but I watched them dance and that brings me so much joy to see them succeed. 

We ran the entire show straight through. The covers went up and asked who all was missing and where they wanted us. Nicole was out, as was Lucy, and these are two that haven’t been gone. Nicole is similar to Lauren, who I had covered twice and Maddie a few times, and Lucy is sort of similar to Lauren in their aspects but not really in most. It was a hard day. 

Ms Munro put me in the spot of the girl whose always gone. It made sense, but it different, but I didn’t fight it even though I would have known Nicole’s spot the most out of all the available. This is the plight of the cover. We have to be ready, do our best, and make it happen. Hannah did really well at it, I thought. Especially for the role being so new. I felt really insecure about a few places, but did the best I could. I want to work on them and think through them more this week. It’s the part that I didn’t do as most of the people I’ve covered, so I’m sure I just look like an idiot. But oh well. The other girls are helpful in giving cues and telling me things I need to fix after, so that’s nice. Especially to not be told as its happening where it throws me off, but to tell me after when my head is more clear. 

I remembered more of hunts woman than I thought I would. Of course I had the help of the other girls. We still have a bit more to learn in that scene, but everything else is done. 

This rehearsal hit me hard physically. I think I’m slightly dehydrated and the fact I kept getting sick earlier didn’t help. 

I found pictures earlier this week from 7 years ago of the one time I went to New York City for like, six hours. My sister had flown up to help me drive back to Texas from Delaware and we decided to take a small detour to New Jersey to see a friends of hers (and now a friend of mine) and she offered to take us to the City. She has a friend who is on Broadway and we met up with him and he showed us around. It was pretty cool. He was a great, super chill, hilarious guy. Casually telling us about his auditions he had coming up for a show on cbs and other tv stations and Broadway shows. He stopped for the ice cream truck and was happy as a five year old on Christmas morning. The city was beautiful and I hardly knew anything about photography then. 

I decided to look up our City friend, though he had long unfriended me on Facebook. (Can’t really blame him. He doesn’t really know me and, let’s be real, you can google the guy.) 

He’s had a few solid roles, but mostly he has understudied. Then I saw he had a girl friend, who is currently the understudy of a big name show that’s on right now. And it was still enough to impress my Broadway nerd friends, that I was shown around the city by this girls boyfriend. 

And I realized. 

They’re mainly covers themselves. Does that make them any less amazing or talented? Not at all. Are they still a vital part of the show, even if they are just “ensemble”? Absolutely. Can they still say, “look, Ma, I’m on Broadway!” Of course. 

I scrolled through their pictures and saw how happy they were, even being “just” covers. I also saw how there were occasions that they got to do the role. There were also stories of crazy changes last minute throwing them into something they never knew and had to know in no time at all and they were successful with it. 

And today I looked out at all the younger dancers and moms. They didn’t see me as “just a cover” or whatever. They saw me as the character I happened to be bringing to life at that time. 

And that made me feel really good. 

I can’t let myself get worked up over what may or may not be the opinions of peers. I can only do the best I can to be my best version of myself. To be kind and get done what I need to. To be responsible. There’s no sense getting upset about one thing when you’re supposed to have your mind focusing on something else. Like Mrs Hooper says, stiff upper lip and you can let yourself feel it later. Stay “on.” Do your best. Stay focused and do what’s required of you. 

I have a quote I’ve heard before written in my dads handwriting above my bed.  

I found it while moving and kept it. I respect my dad so much, and knowing this was something that caught his attention, I knew I should pay attention too. 

And I thought of it today as I finished act II of swans and went into act III, which is my act with the least amount of effort. 

I need to do what I can, with what I have, where I am.

The rest will follow. Life has a funny way or working things out. And no matter what happens I decide how these days are lived. I decide what attitude I have towards it. 

It’s really nice having people behind me, encouraging me, and supporting me. No matter what happens, that’s something I can be proud of. 



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