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Emilee

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Hi, it’s been a minute, new blog post. Link in bio.
Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. #leakycon #leakycon2018
Y’all, check out my friend Baileys announcement!! I’m so excited for her and super pumped to watch this series she’s a part of! #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ The concept is simple: follow someone’s journey from surgery to stage. Showing the life of a mucus mutant. Showing the life of a bilingual Deaf family. Showing the life of a dancer and @companythreesixty dancers. It technically hits all the hashtags: #spoonie #deaf #adultballerina #bodypositive #chronicillness. It hopefully connects with many communities and provides another voice in the chorus of those wanting representation in media abound. It is positive: a positive network with a positive focus wanting to counter the negative swarmy troll farm that is most modern media to date. But... what if the concept becomes a reality? What if I show not just the recovery from latest rounds of surgeries... but the pain and swelling and funk between? What if I don’t fulfill some sort of diagnostic paradigm being that I am an Atypical diagnosis (and someone who hopes not to be defined by that anyways where I can)? What if we capture not just the invigorating process of putting together a show with women I ferociously admire and protect... but also, how totally messy dance life can be? What if we showcase a family that’s equal parts Deaf as hearing... yet our variable mix of signing, reading lips, caption and speech isn’t in keeping with what the world wants from us? Choosing to share our story has come with a lot of IFs... but we are braving it none the less. Although I can’t believe our pilot episode premiered TODAY and that I can finally announce the news... fear of judgement subsists. Can perspective, positivity and living an imperfect life as openly as possible actually be of benefit? The verdict is still out... but I’m excited to try. I’m excited to see. And I’m excited to get started.▪️Click Link In Bio To Watch The Pilot Or Go To: onlygood.tv▪️#CatchingBreaths
The builders weren’t out today, so I decided to have one last hoorah in our still empty, hurricane Harvey-Ed house. They’ve finally begun repairs, and I’m super pumped for it to be fixed, but also a bit sad at the loss of the house as we knew it and how it was growing up. Here I’m in our game room, the red wall is my bathroom, and to the right is my old bedroom, where I was the night before the storm came. The bed I slept on had ceiling and insulation fallen on it the next day. Still pretty surreal almost a year out. TL;DR I love my new @sodancausa dance sneakers I got from @cinqdanceessentials ! Super pumped for the new year!

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Thoughts and stuff. 

Yesterday’s class was another small one. I, personally, liked it, but I know some girls prefer there to be more people. 

I was actually able to make it through the entire class without freaking out over or avoiding anything. (I didn’t jump, but only because my knee has been hurting again. Not terribly bad, but I don’t want to make it worse right now.) 

I was nowhere near perfect. I’d hardly even say I was decent. But I attempted things I’d never tried before, and pushed past excuses in my head of what I can and can’t do and just tried. It wasn’t always successful, but sometimes it was. That’s better than before. 

Our teacher gave us a good pep talk about Swan Lake, though I wish more would have been there to hear it. Still, it’s good to hear it from someone new, that we have to push our hardest and try our best even when it feels like we’re dying. We have to be on our A-game, because if you relax in the slightest, the audience can tell. And there are some who have it together the whole time, but they can’t carry the entire ballet. It’s up to everyone to do their best. 

I woke up a little panicked about the prospect of one of the swans not being able to dance and getting thrown in. Can I handle it? Will I screw up? That’s the hard part about being a cover. You could work on one part and think you’d get put in for it, and end up being an entirely different person and have to work on a different part. I just don’t want to get put in and completely screw up. I don’t want to not be confident and compromise the quality of dancing because of it. Worse than that, I don’t want to go forward in confidence and be completely wrong and just mess everything up. This isn’t rehearsal anymore. We start on stage today, and this is where the going gets tough. No more room for error, and I don’t want to be the one falling behind. 

Honestly, that’s what I feel like. I mean, I know I’ve improved since rehearsals began, but I still feel like I’m just behind everyone else. I feel like I’m not quite there, even with the improvements. I’m proud of myself, but I want to be able to do more. I want to push harder. I want to understand everything better so I can go at it more confidently and not cause any of the teachers to doubt me. Because, let’s face it, I can be pushing hard and get complimented at barre every rehearsal, but that isn’t necessarily what they’ll remember of me. They could simply remember my faults and where I lack rather than how far I’ve come. And I’ve seen it not be this way for everyone. And I don’t know what goes on in people’s heads. But I’m just afraid that is what would end up happening with me. 

The thought of watching Swans from the wings instead of doing it with everyone stings my heart a little. It’s like when I watched snow this last nutcracker. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m super grateful to have been Rat Queen, but there was something about being left out of snow. And I know it’s an intense part and there were so many people and it was a bit complicated this year, but I still couldn’t help but feel that I fell just short again. Although, it’s different this time, because I actually know the choreography of Swans and I don’t for Snow. 

I’m just so nervous. I don’t want to get put in and not be able to do it well enough. I don’t know how to try and prepare in case I do have to go in. I guess we’ll see where there’s are at rehearsal tonight. 

I can’t believe this show is almost over. It seems endless, and here we are staring show day in the face. 

Sometimes I wish I were different. Sometimes I wish I weren’t me. That I were better. That I were stronger. That I had started earlier or didn’t have so many issues or was able to understand things better or whatever. Sometimes I wish a lot of things. 

Recital is coming up, as well, and the dance I was most excited about it starting to make me nervous. I just got the choreography for the parts we were leaving open in case one girl showed up, but we just heard she’s not so I’ve had a class and a half, essentially, to learn it, and I think one run through each of the two classes. And I think there’s only two classes left. And I have to be so on my game with this. Not to mention, I have two entirely other classes I’m in recital for, and one isn’t even finished yet (show up to class, people.) I guess I feel a lot of pressure right now. 

There’s a lot I don’t understand. A lot I don’t think I ever will. But ya know, I think it’s impossible to fully understand anything. There’s always so many factors that you just can’t know. It’s funny because I used to obsess over what people think of me, and I’ve realized recently that I forget to think about it now. But in that I’ve realized that people could have opinions of me I never hear. They could say it to each other and form opinions or what have you and I be none the wiser. And if you know me and are reading this and think you know what I’m referring to, you’re more than likely incorrect so don’t even try. There’s just tons of stuff going on in my head and making a vague attempt of writing it out on a public platform seems to be the only way to process it currently. Yeah, good luck trying to understand that concept, too. 

I am excited for tonight. I’m excited for this week. I’m excited for recital. Especially now that work is going to larglely calm down. Regardless of what happens, it’ll be good. I’ll learn, I’ll grow, and I’ll continue to improve. The one thing that I really like is that even amidst all these nerves and uncertainty, I still largely feel peaceful. I may be trying to understand this that or the other, but in a way that betters me. Like when a good friend tells you a bit of a painful truth. I can’t make excuses and just get bitter or resentful. I need to take the corrected as direction and not rejection. At least I’m still getting corrected, right? 

This entry was posted in dance.

One comment on “Thoughts and stuff. 

  1. Alicia Heaney says:

    I feel like that all the time in class, especially returning at 30. You’re a beautiful dancer and are so lucky to have discovered your passion for dance at an age when it’s possible to make your dreams a reality! Don’t hold back, you will be amazing! I have to get my tickets haha! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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