Endings.

Class attendance was minimal yesterday.

Seven of us, I believe.

I didn’t really mind, though. There’s something about smaller classes that I really enjoy. Although, I feel more pressure at barre in smaller classes. I’m really good with patterns and can usually get the combination quickly. Sometimes I can really tell if people are relying on me to know if, and it can be a lot of pressure.
Not always. There are times when the class actually has people in it who know the combination (as much as we can, at least) and don’t just use other people as a crutch.

(thankfully, last night was one of those nights.)

It wasn’t full of things I was good at, but it all was things I could at least attempt. And not in the sense of what I would have felt confident attempting three months ago, but rather things that would have terrified me even three weeks ago. But I attempted them, and actually didn’t suck as much as I expected.
There were times I could have done better. Once I hit the groove in the floor exactly split so I was super thrown off. It was kind of funny. Another time I spaced out and forgot to compensate for my uneven hips in chaines. Another time I just psyched myself out of trying a double. But there were a few underlying themes.

1.) I tried.
Which is more than I can say is typical. I didn’t psych myself out before I could even attempt what was asked. I didn’t set myself up for failure. I tried, I attempted, I gave it a shot.

2.) I learned.
Which is–surprise!–what happens when you try.

I realized when I always struggle when we promenade. My shoe shifts and I can’t seem to hold my balance on the uneven shank and drop my leg way early. The simple matter of thinking of staying on the ball of the foot (like I’ve been told countless times) helped me to stay better and my shoe not to shift as much. (I think I was afraid to break my shank earlier. But I mean, Swan runs did that already.)
I also realized that I struggle in turns (to get multiples and stuff) largely due to ankle strength (or lack thereof.) A seemingly simple solution, yet why haven’t I done anything about it?

I’m resolving to work towards improving on these things, especially this summer. I have a personal trainer app I used the last place I lived that had enough floor space, and found it very beneficial. I want to start using it again (now that I have floor space again and soft rugs on them) as well as incorporating specific things like the theraband and bosu exercises.

I hesitate to even type that here, for fear of failure. But I’ll only fail if I don’t try, and putting it out here in the open cuts those odds immensely. (That and telling Annika, who will kick my butt if I don’t hold to it.)

Before it wasn’t as realistic to be able to stick to, considering I was rarely home. But now that classes are slowing down, rehearsals don’t exist, and we’re coming in to summer, it’s a more feasible expectation of myself without worrying about burning myself out.
It is all a rather overwhelming thought process. I want to be healthier and do more to achieve this, but I find myself faced with many obstacles, mainly in the food department. I get sick when I eat and we don’t really know why. Which makes me not want to eat. Except that, ya know, not eating will kill you, and I’ve gotten a bit to close to that line before.
But excuses only get you so far, even if it is logical reasoning as to why to hold back.

You’ll only get as far as your last excuse.

And I want to go farther.

(Now, back to class)

It was a really fun moment when Ms. Catherine used the song “Tiny Dancer” in a combination across the floor. I love this song, but never felt “allowed” to let it be personal to me, being that I’m not the “tiny” part in the title and chorus. There are parts of me that feel like a fraud, since I’m not what a “real” ballet dancer looks like. I get nervous going into dance stores, afraid of being judged to be a fraud when I tell people I do ballet. That if I were serious, or really any good, then I would look the part. It’s inevitable, right? That to work that hard, your body has to give way?
Except that mine doesn’t. It has changed and adapted and formed, but nothing near like what is expected. I could tell people I’m a modern or contemporary dancer and I’d be believed, but a ballet dancer is a bit of a stretch.
(and honestly, I hate being this honest, this vulnerable, because I can hear people and their opinions in my head and it makes me want to spit. But this is my life, this is my story, and this is how it is. Y’all can suck it.)

Even with my slip ups in yesterday’s class, I felt free.
I felt safe.

We went on to Jazz V’s after, where we had our last Recital Rehearsal until dress rehearsal on stage next week. People were missing, which is frustrating as this piece is interactive with each other. I struggled with the timing of one of the new parts I was given (and have only been able to run a few times) and didn’t get to do it correctly, which makes me a bit nervous. I really want to invest in this piece and give it my all, but it’s difficult considering everything.
But I still like it. I’m still very glad to be a part. And it’s not really anything we could have avoided. People not showing up and not committing and everything changing every other second has taken it’s toll on everyone. But I’m really proud of all of us that are still here. Those of us that show up and work hard to do our best. Regardless, we can hang out hats on that.

It hit me at the end of class that this was our last Jazz V’s class. That we’ll never have this again. We may take this class next year, but it won’t be with the same people, it won’t be the same experience. This one is done–it’s in the history books now.
Change is hard. And weird. And leaves room for new, but dang sometimes the old was just really great. And sometimes the in between new and old is really hard to handle.

But we must keep moving forward. Or else we get swallowed up in the quick sand of life and can never get out.

We have our last Ballet IV’s class with Mrs. Julie today. Hopefully finishing the recital piece. Sigh. This year has been a mess when it comes to attendance.

I hope to take classes in the summer, though I’m unsure of which classes and how often. And I’m unsure of what I’ll do this summer. I need to order another pair of shoes, but I need to wait until I get paid again first. And I need to see about jet gluing my last pair to hopefully get more life out of them.
If anyone wants to contribute to the Emilee-needs-shoes-but-also-has-to-pay-rent fund, just lemme know.

I need to remember to get more pictures. I fail.