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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Summer Thoughts.

Sometimes I don’t know how to put into words what a class makes me feel.

I have plenty of words, but I guess they aren’t the ones people really want to hear.
And it has nothing to do with the class itself–that was wonderful. It was the type of class that gives you the good slow basics we need and don’t get enough of. I was absolutely dripping in sweat like I haven’t since the days of my old studio. (Instep, may it rest in peace.) It was a small class, which are also my favorite. Everything about it was wonderful.

But I kept seeing my faults, all the ways I don’t measure up. I kept smacking the giant brick wall of impossibilities square in the face over and over. How much of this can I take before I give up? How much can I actually push “impossible” and expect results? There are unchangeable factors that are out of my control. Short of a miracle, there’s nothing I can do about the fact that my stomach gets sick for no rhyme or reason, and that my legs are different lengths causing loads of issues of its own.

I’m doing what I can to try and alleviate as much of the stomach issue as possible, including recruiting my co-worker to help with my food issues. (hopefully it’s effective)
I go to the chiropractor every other week for my hip/back issues, but really there’s only so much we can do about that. My hips can’t be square en pointe, and it really throws me off. That facet of it is something I’m sure time will help me adjust to, but yesterday I noticed the things I haven’t been doing fully correctly are due to the uneven-ness, and when I fix it, the resounding pain in my shoulder and neck is ridiculous. Not even a sharp pain, just a low, subtle, pressure-y type pain. Like a tension headache versus a piercing one. Not enough to put you out, but just enough to be annoying. But for me these things aren’t just annoying, they’re infuriating. How much can I push this? How much is it worth it?
And what about my shoes? They die too quickly for me to afford them, let alone for how long they take to make. I’m working on strengthening my ankles to help with that, but something has to give. The shank snaps where the ball of my foot hits when I have to do runs or anything on demi, vastly shortening the life of my shoes. It also affects me in trying to promenade. My shoe shifts to no end if I can’t do a firm demi pointe to get around. I need to sew my elastics tighter, but too tight and my feet fall asleep.

How much of this do I really have control over? How much of this is feasible? What will just take time? Should I even keep pursuing pointe? I can’t imagine not, I love it so much, even if it cracks and bruises my toenails. I want to get to a dance store to see if there are any shoes out there that would work better, or ways to make mine last longer or something. One of the principal dancers in our studio has feet similar to mine, so I kinda creep when she gets new shoes to see if they’d work for me as well. She’s tried a few recently, I need to ask her how they’re going for her. I won’t be back in Austin until October, but am going to Houston in July, so I may try and get fitted there and see if anything works. The plus side now is that I actually know how shoes are supposed to feel, whereas before I was going strictly off what people told me. Things can get lost in translation pretty easily. It’s one of things you have to feel to really know.

I just can’t imagine my life without ballet now. It keeps me sane, really. It makes me feel alive. I love it so much. Why can’t my body just cooperate and conform to it? Why are all these years and classes not translating like I need them to? What else do I need to do?
I’m trying to rework how I manage my time to fully benefit me instead of just getting by. There are too many things that I just can’t sit back and ignore anymore. If you want something to change you have to have action attached to it.

So, I’m feeling all the feels and trying to navigate through all of the things in my way. Evaluating what’s before me and how to go about handling it. I guess we’ll see where it takes me.

 

This entry was posted in dance.

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