Although the classes I actually take will carry on throughout the month of July, the classes I teach are finished. The intensive still has a few more days, but I’m not involved in those.
It’s amazing how quickly a month can go by, and how slow it can feel at the same time.
Yesterday started off decently enough, though I wasn’t feeling all that well again. I’m officially at a loss of what to do, and feeling pretty disheartened by it. Healthy foods make me sick, other “foods” don’t like me either. So what am I supposed to do? I have no clue. For now I just eat enough to get by and deal with the pain and discomfort, trying to life as normal a life as possible.
I brought my new Eleve to wear to class, excited and looking forward to it. However, when I went to put it on I realized I hadn’t taken into consideration that the high neckline might not do so well when having to go over my large hips, since the hole for the neck is small.
I almost cried. I wanted to give up. I felt very defeated. Here I am, the size I am, and I can’t help it anymore than I already strive to do–not without invoking worse damage. I have to make myself be okay being the size that I am, because there isn’t much I can do about it. Which can feel rather disheartening when I see people able to just scrounge up some determination and see incredible results. It’s not a matter of me being lazy, it’s a matter of my body not being well and doctors not believing me and me living in immense pain and discomfort every day. It’s a matter of I’m just getting by as it is and nothing I’ve tried has been of any help. It’s a frustrating matter I have very little control over.
Realizing I didn’t have any other leotard with me, and I couldn’t just not go to class since I also had to teach, I struggled through sounds of snapping strings to work it over my hips and wiggle my arms in. No one would know if I didn’t tell them, though it fit a little tight. I walked into class to many compliments, even from Ms. Munro, only letting on to a close few of the struggle I had and that I may end up having to give the leotard away.
(that has yet to be decided.)
Before I left work, something happened that left me feeling pretty crappy. Details aren’t necessary, but tears were a-flowin’ most of the way to the studio. It took everything in me to hold it together and be happy for classes.
The babies were doing really well starting off, one of the younger ones even surprising me by knowing the names to ever ballet movement I showed, including Passe, Soute, Tendu and the difference between it and Pique. (She’s not quite four.) Abarrane and I were impressed.
They got super antsy and wild towards the end. I even had to utilize my adult voice powers to get them back to focusing for the last ten minutes. We made it through and they were released. A bitter-sweet sort of deal. I don’t know how teachers do it.
I had gotten Abarrane a gift for helping me out this summer. She has been wanting the Misty Copeland Barbie doll since the news first released that it was going to be made. Abarrane got to meet Misty Copeland not too long ago and to say she’s inspired by her is an understatement. So I ordered her one, which was hard to keep a secret, and hid it in the office until after class.
See, excited is an understatement. 🙂
I got into our class and stood at the Matthew barre again. I told myself being in this class was the best thing for me. I took a deep breath and hoped it would make me feel alive.
I tried to implement corrections I have been given, like making sure I come through first with all five toes on the ground instead of rolling in during rond de jambes, and to keep my arm fully extended in second, and to straighten my knee fully in arabesque. I also tried to keep in mind my alignment and placement like Ms. Clara had told me to help me en pointe. There were moments Ms. Munro looked at me and said, “Good, Emilee.” It’s so great to get corrections, implement them, then to get either further corrections or positive feedback so I know if I’m doing it right.
We came to center and did a few things, thankfully my stomach wasn’t hurting as bad as it had been. (I think getting upset sort of helped “numb” it, to an extent.) We did a combination of balances, into turns; it went something like, balance (waltz) front, balance back, balance side, balance side, balance turn, balance turn, tombe, pas de bourree, sous sous, tombe, pas de bourree to fifth, balance in passe, tombe, pas de bourree fourth, single turn, tombe, pas de bourree fourth, double turn.
Since she asked for the double turn, I told myself I was going to do the double turn. I briefly analyzed where my weak points may be and reminded myself of centering my weight in the plie, and of making sure I use my head to spot twice and I would get around. We did the combination, I did the preparation, the single, then a relatively clean double. (Sure, it can use some work, but dang it I actually did a double for the first time, I was pretty excited.) I think I let out some sort of elated exclamation after doing the double, to which Ms. Munro sort of smile/laughed at me, then we continued to the left. I attempted a double to the left, but my foot does this weird thing I haven’t seemed to break through yet that’s something between a bounce and a hop. I’m not sure if it’s the sensation of the shoe twisting that bothers me or if it’s a strength thing since that’s the foot that gives me trouble. No matter, I was very proud of myself for the day.
We continued on, and we did a jete combination with assambles and the like. Ms. Munro twinged something in her leg and asked me to demonstrate.
Hold the phone. Ms. Munro asked me to demonstrate.
I felt really nervous, was probably a bit awkward, but tried my best.
then of course she corrected me in front of everyone on how I did the jete too far forward instead of in a true second, which was causing me to travel too far. I was glad she pointed it out so I could correct it. She asked me to demonstrate something else too, but I don’t remember what. Then in the saut de basque–which I just recently grasped–she had me go first, and I was clueless on the arms, which she also corrected, so I tried again to do it correctly. It was a very informative class. I feel like I learned so much and in a sense where it’ll stick and retain.
One of the new girls from last week, Allison, came back for more yesterday. I was so glad to see her and glad she’s sticking with it. She has loads of potential and in time will prove to be really great. I’m glad she’s fighting through the overwhelming-ness that is your first few classes.
I won’t make any of the classes next week, due to holiday and being out of town. (We celebrate America’s Independence on Monday, the fourth.) But I’ll post about what happens at the point shoe fitting I have Wednesday! 🙂 Here’s to hoping.
(Perpetually working on that dang turn out. My demise.)
Another Night at the Barre 