I’ve had to miss a few more classes here and there for various reasons, and it makes me sad every time I do. I try not to let it get to me too much, though, as this is life and unexpected things happen all too often.
I was able to make Monday’s class and I’ll be in class again tonight (with a guest teacher who took class with us Monday and from what I gather is newly made company member somewhere. I hope to get more details tonight. She was great and really kind.)
Life has been rather difficult for me lately, in many different ways and avenues. I keep holding on to hope that things won’t always be this way, but until that happens the days are long and hard. I have found that this makes class harder. I guess I forget how much I fight against just to dance until my strength is sapped by other things and I have to dig deep to keep my spirits up.
My stomach is ever-complicated, my back has been causing numerous issues of its own with pain in my left lower back I don’t seem to have explanation for, as well as the “normal” complications from having the uneven legs. It’s possible this is a result of that but my chiropractor just blames the fact I dance. But I’ve been dancing far less since it started hurting, and dancing keeps my health largely in check for the most part. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t dance. What I have to deal with when I can’t make it too consistently is complicated enough.
So what do I do? Do I give in to the excuses I’m rightfully handed? Do I fight against all these complications? How much is too much to fight? Where do I draw a line? When do I tap out? Do I?
It’s exhausting, trying to find the balance in being able to do the one thing that makes me feel alive. I found myself in tears recently at the thought that everything in life is wearing me down so much that it’s compromising the thing in life that makes me happy to be alive. And that there isn’t much I can do about it.
So, I struggle. I fight against symptoms of these larger issues and thoughts that enter my mind telling me I can’t do the things I’ve been able to do in the past. Thoughts that tell me I’m not enough. That it’s not worth the fight; that I’m not worth the fight. I fight against loneliness, though I am grateful for the few I have that are here for me, but it is a road you largely walk alone. Few understand. And those few that do I greatly appreciate, though I feel for them having to walk similar roads, I am grateful we are at least together in that.
I don’t know that I’ll be posting quite as often as I have been lately–after every class and all. My goal is to give you fewer, more quality posts, rather than posting just because I usually do and it’s what is expected. I’ll definitely update any time I learn something profound or worth sharing, much like I did at the humble beginnings of this blog when it was centered around “everything I need to know about life, I learned in dance class.” Little bits of wisdom you can glean along the way.
Classes start next week, my first class being on Wednesday. I’m excited and nervous and hopeful.
Stay tuned 😊
Started ballet late October of 2011 at the age of 23.
Began pointe training late August of 2013.