Again. 

According to this picture, this time last year I was also spacing out. 

This was the time I was so out of it I didn’t realize I walked out in my ballet shoes until halfway home. (A 40 minute drive.)

I find it interesting how these things seem to happen. How certain times of the year I’ll feel the same way, even though my circumstances are different. I’m not sure how this happens, but whatevs. 

Needless to says, I had a rough day again yesterday. It was still good, and classes were great (though my babies were a bit excited and loved to use loud voices) I just had a hard time personally. 

Parts were wonderful. The first class went better, I think, but maybe because I felt I could get lost in it since there were 22 of us. Even so, the teacher of that class still sees you (which I love.) she’s not one to sugar coat corrections to make us feel better, but she’s not harsh either. And when she corrects, she does it in a way to explain how to fix it instead of just telling us to fix it. I really appreciate this. 

I forewent (is that a word) the pointe shoes again, and by the end of class I was really glad I did. I found myself spacing out and my stomach has been a mess this week, but I’ve still been pushing it and engaging my core like I’m supposed to instead of letting up to try and give my stomach rest. 

Once again, there were things I should know better and be better at but for some reason my brain didn’t connect all the dots. I had to choke down more anxiety than Monday, but managed to keep it inside and powered through class. I absolutely refused to let my brain pick apart all the things I did wrong and scream at me all my faults. Instead I just shut my brain off and kept going. 

At the end of class, we did a turning combination, which I managed to control and spot, even doing decent chaines, which I’m notoriously terrible at. My balances were a bit off in an earlier combination, but I was able to rock my epaulment, which is a vast improvement to usual. I felt pretty good regardless. 

At the very end, we did grand jetes across the floor and in a zig zag. I ended up going first somehow, and knew Ms. M was watching. I felt a bit of pressure since this class is the last thing they’ll see of me before auditions, which I’m out of town for, and I wanted to show them improvement. As we did the Jetes, Ms M complimented me by name. Which has never happened before with jetes. I struggle with them a lot but I was just going for it. I know they’re nowhere near perfect, but improvement was all I was aiming for. I’ll continue to work on them. 

In the struggle, I tend to forget happy moments I have in class. Like on Monday when they started the music and in 3 seconds I knew it was a classical version of Taylor Swift, though it was hard to tell. I laughed to myself when it was confirmed, because as I heard everyone else’s guesses, I too thought they may be correct. The further we went into the combination–and song–the more I realized it was indeed Taylor and I laughed because of course I’m the nerd that can tell a Taylor song even when it doesn’t really sound like a Taylor song. 

I have to remind myself to relish the good moments when things are hard. Not to forget that they are also there. To push through and do my best. That things will get better. I have to hold to the hope that maybe one day things won’t be this way, and if they are, I have all these examples of times I’ve gotten through. If I’ve done it before, surely I can do it again.