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Emilee

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Hi, it’s been a minute, new blog post. Link in bio.
Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. #leakycon #leakycon2018
Y’all, check out my friend Baileys announcement!! I’m so excited for her and super pumped to watch this series she’s a part of! #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ The concept is simple: follow someone’s journey from surgery to stage. Showing the life of a mucus mutant. Showing the life of a bilingual Deaf family. Showing the life of a dancer and @companythreesixty dancers. It technically hits all the hashtags: #spoonie #deaf #adultballerina #bodypositive #chronicillness. It hopefully connects with many communities and provides another voice in the chorus of those wanting representation in media abound. It is positive: a positive network with a positive focus wanting to counter the negative swarmy troll farm that is most modern media to date. But... what if the concept becomes a reality? What if I show not just the recovery from latest rounds of surgeries... but the pain and swelling and funk between? What if I don’t fulfill some sort of diagnostic paradigm being that I am an Atypical diagnosis (and someone who hopes not to be defined by that anyways where I can)? What if we capture not just the invigorating process of putting together a show with women I ferociously admire and protect... but also, how totally messy dance life can be? What if we showcase a family that’s equal parts Deaf as hearing... yet our variable mix of signing, reading lips, caption and speech isn’t in keeping with what the world wants from us? Choosing to share our story has come with a lot of IFs... but we are braving it none the less. Although I can’t believe our pilot episode premiered TODAY and that I can finally announce the news... fear of judgement subsists. Can perspective, positivity and living an imperfect life as openly as possible actually be of benefit? The verdict is still out... but I’m excited to try. I’m excited to see. And I’m excited to get started.▪️Click Link In Bio To Watch The Pilot Or Go To: onlygood.tv▪️#CatchingBreaths
The builders weren’t out today, so I decided to have one last hoorah in our still empty, hurricane Harvey-Ed house. They’ve finally begun repairs, and I’m super pumped for it to be fixed, but also a bit sad at the loss of the house as we knew it and how it was growing up. Here I’m in our game room, the red wall is my bathroom, and to the right is my old bedroom, where I was the night before the storm came. The bed I slept on had ceiling and insulation fallen on it the next day. Still pretty surreal almost a year out. TL;DR I love my new @sodancausa dance sneakers I got from @cinqdanceessentials ! Super pumped for the new year!

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Progress. 

It would seem that, as of late, things seem to largely be battles of the mind more than anything. 

And it’s kind of funny how when I can’t seem to figure out why things are the way they are in my own life, it comes out and seems to give me the answer when I dance. 

Monday was a good class, but I found myself spacing out and struggling to remember things. I also struggled with things making sense when asked different variations of barre combinations. I had to tell myself not to overthink it or try and make sense of it, to just do my best today and figure it out later. If I’m absolutely terrible and have it all wrong, she’ll correct me. It helped keep me from panicking, though there were definite moments it creeped up from inside and sat in my throat, reading my mind with its opinions. 

I made it through, not doing all that bad. There were things I know I can do better, but I can’t beat myself up over things I can’t control. 

I was telling a dear friend of mine (shout out, Sarah) how sometimes I forget all the different things I face every day and have to find ways to endure just to go on living. The things I could make excuses for, the things I could let define me, the things that are good enough reasons to sit out. But if I do that, I’ll never get anywhere. I wouldn’t have a life at all. I’d be a burden to my family and worst of all, none of it would make sense. Upon looking at me you generally can’t tell that there’s anything out of the ordinary going on. You typically can’t tell by looking at me that I fight these battles every day and that having a “good day” is rare. 

So I was reminded that even in my pursuit to do and try my best, I have to give myself a little more credit for even doing at all. I can’t tear myself apart when I have a day that’s less than stellar. 

I still got corrections and compliments in class. I learned and tried and processed, little by little. And ironically was able to see specific improvement in my alignment, even though size was trying to tear my mind apart. I can only control what I can control. I have to play the cards I’m dealt and do my best with my hand. Little by little, I’ll get there if I don’t give up. 

Even so, I did my second video for the perfect your pirouette challenge. It’s on my Instagram (link is in the last post) and thankfully didn’t get near as many views as last time. (So I’m not as nervous to post things 😂) there’s improvement, and also definite things that were causing me trouble. I couldn’t seem to remember the things I know I needed to think about, but I was able to get a pretty solid head spit, which I tend to struggle with. 

I really need to practice preparations at home to get into the habit of not being afraid to fully straighten my knee. That’s what will give me the balance I’m missing. (I’m afraid because it can cause pain. Same with why I’m afraid of plies and cheat them, which does nothing but cheat myself.) 

I’m starting to figure out the bad habits I’ve made over my time dancing, why I’ve made them, and how to do better about it all. 

I may not be where I want to be yet, but I’m on my way. 

Progress is progress, no matter how small. 

This entry was posted in dance.
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