It would seem that, as of late, things seem to largely be battles of the mind more than anything.
And it’s kind of funny how when I can’t seem to figure out why things are the way they are in my own life, it comes out and seems to give me the answer when I dance.
Monday was a good class, but I found myself spacing out and struggling to remember things. I also struggled with things making sense when asked different variations of barre combinations. I had to tell myself not to overthink it or try and make sense of it, to just do my best today and figure it out later. If I’m absolutely terrible and have it all wrong, she’ll correct me. It helped keep me from panicking, though there were definite moments it creeped up from inside and sat in my throat, reading my mind with its opinions.
I made it through, not doing all that bad. There were things I know I can do better, but I can’t beat myself up over things I can’t control.
I was telling a dear friend of mine (shout out, Sarah) how sometimes I forget all the different things I face every day and have to find ways to endure just to go on living. The things I could make excuses for, the things I could let define me, the things that are good enough reasons to sit out. But if I do that, I’ll never get anywhere. I wouldn’t have a life at all. I’d be a burden to my family and worst of all, none of it would make sense. Upon looking at me you generally can’t tell that there’s anything out of the ordinary going on. You typically can’t tell by looking at me that I fight these battles every day and that having a “good day” is rare.
So I was reminded that even in my pursuit to do and try my best, I have to give myself a little more credit for even doing at all. I can’t tear myself apart when I have a day that’s less than stellar.
I still got corrections and compliments in class. I learned and tried and processed, little by little. And ironically was able to see specific improvement in my alignment, even though size was trying to tear my mind apart. I can only control what I can control. I have to play the cards I’m dealt and do my best with my hand. Little by little, I’ll get there if I don’t give up.
Even so, I did my second video for the perfect your pirouette challenge. It’s on my Instagram (link is in the last post) and thankfully didn’t get near as many views as last time. (So I’m not as nervous to post things 😂) there’s improvement, and also definite things that were causing me trouble. I couldn’t seem to remember the things I know I needed to think about, but I was able to get a pretty solid head spit, which I tend to struggle with.
I really need to practice preparations at home to get into the habit of not being afraid to fully straighten my knee. That’s what will give me the balance I’m missing. (I’m afraid because it can cause pain. Same with why I’m afraid of plies and cheat them, which does nothing but cheat myself.)
I’m starting to figure out the bad habits I’ve made over my time dancing, why I’ve made them, and how to do better about it all.
I may not be where I want to be yet, but I’m on my way.
Progress is progress, no matter how small.
Started ballet late October of 2011 at the age of 23.
Began pointe training late August of 2013.