Yesterday was rather rough for me on many different levels. Literally the only thing that got me to eat and push through the day was the fact that I had ballet that evening. I hadn’t been to a Monday class in a while and I was really excited about it.
Then as I was putting on my tights, I threw out my back.
Because the fact I turn 28 Thursday decided it needed to remind me that I’m really 87 or something.
I got dressed anyway. Somehow. And when I got in my car I called the chiropractor and headed that way. Thankfully his office isn’t far from the studio, and my class wasn’t until 8 so I wouldn’t be late.
Even though there were many things that were hard and complicated and unfortunate, all was not lost. I could have gotten upset about my back, but it wouldn’t do anyone any good so I just went with it. And thankfully I have an incredible chiropractor and didn’t have to teach yesterday.
The weight of the day hit me about half way there and I cried probably a solid 15 minutes or more, having to make myself calm down before walking into the building so I didn’t cause a huge ridiculous scene. I put on a brace face and walked in the door, signed in, and sat down.
My chiropractor was walking around and saw me, concerned, he came over and asked if I was okay cause my face was red and it looked like I had been crying. (How sweet, right?) I told him I was okay, it was just a rough day and tried to maintain my composure.
The therapy tech or whatever you want to call him came in to fetch me and hooked me up to the machine with the hot packs and all. Asked if I was okay as well and I told him I had a rough day. He asked if there was anything he could do to help and I told him there wasn’t but I appreciated it. He commented on how I was still smiling even though it was clear that I wasn’t really feeling very smiley. It’s just what I do I guess.
As I lay there on the bed I couldn’t help but almost laugh at the fact that no one ever sees me cry, like ever, no one can really tell when I have, I’m used to and good at hiding it all and dealing with it later. It’s easier that way to not have to try and explain or appear to be weak or deal with well-meaning people telling me “it’ll get better” or “someone has it worse” just to say something which usually only makes them feel better. It was hard not to break down again laying there alone, but I managed. My back still hurt a bit but I knew I made the right decision by not ignoring it and coming in instead.
When the tech put me in the exam room, he asked if I wanted him to pray for me. This meant so much to me that I almost couldn’t respond, and chokes me up even now. I said yes and he sat on the bed in front of me and held out his hand for mine and prayed for me. The chiropractor walked in in the middle of it and joined in as the tech kept going.
How cool is that? Like. Usually I’m the one people will come to when they need something and I’m rather hesitant to ask for help or whatever in situations like this. Mostly because I’m sure there’s worse happening and it’s hard to explain the depth of things anyway. And especially in a situation where I know there’s nothing to be done. And here they both took a moment out of their busy day not just to say they’d pray for me, but to actually do it. And it may not change anything that I can see or anything right away, but it did fill my heart with a renewed hope. And that is invaluable.
The chiropractor popped my back, and as he did I could feel and hear the huge pop that was the cause of the problem. It popped more after that and when I asked what he thought caused it, he said it sounds like I hold my stress in my back and that’ll do it. Makes sense. He asked if I would be interested in acupuncture, which I am, and so he did an acubalance on me to see if my organs are functioning well and where things might be off balance.
Apparently my body is relatively well balanced, which I laughed about because my blood work comes back perfect as well, yet I’m still sick all the time. He asked me more about it and showed me some things we could try when I come in next time to help with it. Hopefully it helps. Honestly, I’m beginning to be convinced that the root of my problem is stress, which I can’t do too much more for that I haven’t already done.
I went to the studio and even got there a little early. I was going to do pointe, but didn’t want to risk hurting myself. I was a bit nervous to not have my lift in my left shoe, so I took the one I had and cut it up to fit in my ballet slipper for class.
It was definitely weird to feel my legs even while doing ballet, and to not have to bend my knee when doing rond de jambs. (I didn’t even check that spelling so forgive me if it’s wrong.) I’m not sure if the difference was exact, but it was enough to make a difference. It was hard breaking the habit of standing wrong to counteract the unevenness now that I had the lift in my shoe.
Class went well and my back held up. I’ve been doing the pirouette challenge and felt a difference, though I started messing up towards the end. I’m really working on straightening my knee all the way and keeping it straight. I’ve gotten better at it, but still have a ways to go.
My favorite part of class was when Mrs Alex, being as silly as ever yesterday, was telling us to do this one part at small, medium, and high heights in our elevé. She said, “lets call it “small, medium, and large. It reminds me of fries.” It made me laugh, which I really appreciated.
I was glad I was still able to go to class. I think it did my heart and spirit well. My back still hurts a bit and I’m thinking sitting so much isn’t helping since my hips are uneven and with the curves in my back. It’s manageable, though, and I don’t have anything planned this afternoon so i can take it easy.
Today has been increasingly difficult, but I’m doing the best I can to make it through. I really appreciate the people I have in my life, near and far, that care about me and encourage me in every facet of my life.
I’ll get through this eventually. I don’t know how many more difficult days I’ll have until then, but I’ll make it. Something’s gotta give eventually, and I eagerly await that day. But I don’t want to just wish these days away, even though they’re tough. There’s much to be learned and shared and experiences, even in the darkest days. So I’ll push through and try to enjoy the good things I have. Who knows, this could remedy and I could lose something wonderful as well. And it would fall on me if I wasted the time I have to appreciate it just because things were difficult.
Started ballet late October of 2011 at the age of 23.
Began pointe training late August of 2013.