I would like to think the SuperMoon is to blame for a lot of the craziness the beginning of this week has held, but I don’t know if that’s all that true, or if all of it can really be blamed on it. (Some of it, for sure.)
With everything going on with my health that doesn’t quite make sense, I’ve been rather overwhelmed and drained. I contemplated skipping class on Monday, since it’s the only day I can skip since I teach the other days I’m there. I thought of how the studio will be closed next week for Thanksgiving, and how–if I’m honest with myself–I didn’t want to skip at all.
It’s my favorite class, I think, though I do like the others I take. But I know I can be more relaxed in the adult class, and I know that my teacher knows what’s going on (as much as I know, at least) and if something were to happen, it would be okay to not have to pretend like it’s not happening. So many times I feel so much pressure to keep up that I’m not sure if I should be concerned about what I’m pushing through, or if paying attention to it would just be me being weak. The struggle.
I was glad I went. I was grateful to have an hour to dance and move and feel alive. To forget everything else going on around me, and just dance. My knee started hurting and my back was still tweaked from whatever I did to it this weekend, and my head was hurting, and everything else that’s normal, but I didn’t think about them much. And I was able to do these combinations that made me feel good and remind my why all this is worth it.
We are rehearsing in costumes this weekend. Which I absolutely cannot believe that it’s already this time of year. I feel like it’s still August, or early September at latest. Nope. It’s November. Which means that shows are, like, three weeks away. And Thanksgiving is next week. And what even is life. CALM DOWN TIME.
I’m working on Snow this weekend with my friend, Emily, who is new to our studio and also teaches. I’m pretty excited about it. I know she’ll be real with me but also not just eat my soul. (Not saying any of our teachers here do that, but it’s always an irrational fear of mine. I blame my childhood.) My goal is to get the step I’m struggling with to be fluid so that I don’t second guess myself and screw up in front of everyone. I have to get past that mental block.
One of my favorite teachers from High School is coming to see me dance. She called me yesterday about tickets, and just hearing her voice flooded me with good feelings. I don’t think she realizes how detrimental she was to the person I have become. She taught me kindness and empathy and compassion, as well as how to face scary things and that doing hard things is necessary. I don’t know if she knows what I was going through while I was in her class and how she ultimately helped me out of it, but she did. There are a few other teachers that really helped shape me as well. I carry them in my heart. And when I choose kindness, empathy, compassion, and love, I think of them.
Be kind. Do what you can. You may never see what it produces, but I promise, it produces good things.
Started ballet late October of 2011 at the age of 23.
Began pointe training late August of 2013.