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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Invisible. 

My doctors appointment was Friday. I’m not sure what I expected, really, I guess I just hoped it would be an easy answer. I should have known better. 

She doesn’t think I have eds, she thinks it’s autoimmune related, yet we haven’t found more than they think I have ibs. Which, unless there’s more to ibs than what is commonly known (which is all I’ve been told) then I really don’t think I have it. But I don’t know. Whatever. 

She gave me orders for labs to be run for autoimmune disorders, as well as for eds. She separated them so I can do them separately if they’re too expensive since I don’t have real insurance. (It’s a sharing program, which is legit, but I don’t know if it covers this stuff. It’s frustrating.) 

Being real, after my appointment I sat in my car crying. I’m pretty sure the other set of labs she’s ordered are ones I’ve already done with no positive results. It’s disheartening to know I have to pay money I don’t have for labs that will more than likely come back negative. I don’t have anything left in me to try and figure out the complex insurance situation, yet I have to find a way to do it. My cousin has her appointment to be tested for eds in a couple weeks, so I’m going to hold off on that until she has her results. No sense spending copious amounts of money I don’t have to be tested for something if she comes back negative. (It’s genetic.) 

I was able to explain to my doctor how I’m not okay. I told her how there are things I’ve previous been able to do just fine and now I can’t. She asked if it was just since I’ve started ballet and I explained how some of it is literally just in the last month. She asked if I was overworked. I laughed. Yes, I am, but I have no choice. And I’m doing significantly less than usual and way more wiped out than usual. 

She did examine me and found my right wrist to be swollen at the joint, which concerned her. She didn’t say much about the rest of the stuff she was looking for. 

I like that she doesn’t make me feel stupid when she thinks I’m wrong. Still, I felt stupid and naive and beat myself over the head on how this all just has to be in my mind, or that I’m making it out to be more than it really is. That I’m just being dramatic and need to get over it. 

Which is all fine and good, until I do just that and find myself getting super sick from pushing through. 

None of it makes sense. 

Yesterday we had snow rehearsal. I had a few friends help me with snow on Fridays to try and get it all clean and together and remember it all. Then my friend Adrienne and I went over it before rehearsal even started to make sure we had it down. 

I still have some working to do, as I can’t quite seem to get the step correctly. My teacher worked with me on it and showed me the proper way to execute it, so I just have to work on it to make sure it becomes fluid the proper way. I happen to be in the front for this part, so it’s extra important. Plus, I don’t want to be the one that messes up the beauty of the part for everyone. I want to do everything I can to be my best, and work hard at this to get it right. 

Sometimes I go along through class and rehearsal and feel like I’m the only one that sees me. That I blend, my details becoming near invisible. Not in a bad way, in an almost comfortable way. But I’m not. We’re seen. There’s always someone looking to us. We have influence, more than we realize. We are each a component in what makes up the big picture that is current reality. And if you ever feel like you don’t matter, just take a second to really realize what that entails. We all matter. We all have value. 

We’re also doing secret santa amongst the Snow cast again. This is my first year participating, and I found myself very nervous leading up to it. But I got someone that I’m excited about giving things to, so it’ll be good. 

We have flowers rehearsal today, which I need to brush up on the ending bit before we get going. I love flowers. I think it’s my favorite dance I’ve done. 

Keep going. Keep enduring. Keep fighting. 

Keep breathing. Half the battle is getting past the voices in your own head telling you you’re not enough. You are enough. You’re more than enough. And you being concerned about being better and striving to do so is proof of that. You’ll get there, my darling. Keep pressing on. 

This entry was posted in dance.

2 comments on “Invisible. 

  1. I really hope you are able to find out soon what is going on. That must be really scary.

    I’m thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my friend! I’m hoping so as well. I keep trying to act like it’s nothing but getting to the point where I can’t anymore is rather frightening.

      Like

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