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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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First class of spring semester. 

I’m blogging from my chiropractors office, currently. I came in on Tuesday for my first appointment since Nutcracker and apparently my back is so tight and messed up that he had me come back in again today. He’s never had me come in twice in the same week, so dang. I feel it though, but mainly in my upper back/base of the neck at the moment. (Usually it’s the lower back.) Part of that is probably because I’ve been sleeping weird. Now that I’m all sorts of congested, being so propped up is helping so I haven’t adjusted my pillows yet. Hopefully soon. Ugh. 

I went to class yesterday for the first time since break. We had class Monday, but I wasn’t feeling all too well still. I had left work early on Thursday, and we had Monday off as well. I had intended to go, but figured it’d probably be for the best if I didn’t push it. 

I woke up yesterday morning before my alarm, but was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of how long my day was going to be. It’s a lot to begin with, and was really taking its toll end of last semester, so to face such a long day not feeling well took a lot of willpower. Plus, tax season has begun, so we’re rather busy at work. Ahhhh. Anyway. I walked in to work, got everything rolling, and went in to ask my boss a question when she got in and first thing she said was, “you look like you don’t feel all that well.” I had made it through the day before alright, and it wasn’t anymore than that, really, but I told her I really wasn’t. (Because I really wasn’t.) She told me to finish the payroll I was working on and go home. That it’s early in the season and I have to be well for it, so to take the time when I can. 

Reluctantly, I went home and stayed in bed, (even making myself not finish up on my list of things to do around the house that I didn’t get done with all the down time I made myself take this weekend to try and be well enough by the start of the week) drinking lots of water and making the perfect cup of tea and just letting myself enjoy it. My stomach started hurting, unrelated to whatever this is, right before I had to leave to teach. I powered through, not feeling that my mental clarity was compromised at all, which is usually a good sign that something is off, and being that I wasn’t showing any signs of being contagious. I get to the studio and was told by one of my favorite dance moms that I didn’t look like I felt too well. Apparently my eyes were telling more than I was accepting in myself. Then again when I got into the studio, one of my good friends made a similar comment. I guess I really wasn’t okay. 

I taught my babies, whom I hadn’t seen in so long. I missed them so much and was excited to try some things on them to see how I wanted to go with recital. They were super chatty (not all, about half actually) and the ones that were focused were really getting the moves I was trying to see if they could handle. The others were super over it so I may just cut it out. I did play the song for them, which they’re super excited about being that it’s from Frozen. (I know so many in that class love Frozen so I did it on purpose. They’re pumped.) I think it helped them focus, even. 

After class, I went to sit in the office before the V’s barre I take, like usual. I must have spaced out or something, because the class starts at 7:15, and usually I hear the one class leaving before ours goes in. I completely missed it this time, and didn’t notice until 7:36. I peaked in through the window, where my role buddy, Hannah, saw me and mouthed, “why aren’t you here?” I mouthed back “I spaced out” and she laughed with me. She told me to come in anyway but I didn’t want to interrupt and cause a scene, so I just waited. We made faces through the mirror until I was afraid is get her in trouble. It was pretty funny. My teacher friend caught me through the window and made a face like, “wait…what?” To which I shrugged with a “dude I don’t even know” and we laughed as well. I text her so she would know after class how I completely spaced and that maybe I’m not completely myself after all. 

I stayed for Adult, and since I wasn’t pre-worked from the barre before, I actually made it through pretty decently. I was very prone to space out, but I find that I have my best classes when we first come back from a break. I think it’s mainly because I don’t overthink as much. It made me feel good, though. I got a few compliments from my teacher, and even a few corrections I was able to implement and get affirmation on afterwards. 

Then we did a simple jump combination (simple in steps, that is.) so I decided to go ahead and try it. Turns out the timing was a little funny, with a double time that was sort of odd at the end. I was able to keep up, so my teacher put me in the front for others to follow. She was watching me often during class (which, honestly, wasn’t hard since there were only 5 of us) and the positive affirmation from it really made me feel good. 

My knees starts to hurt a bit, but it wasn’t anything too bad. I was trying to focus on plieing more, since I tend to cut myself short, and keeping the leg alignment correct as I did so. I also tried to focus on not letting my standing knee bend when I come through first in rond de jambs. (Did I spell that right? Whatevs.) I also got a correction on my pique turns to the right. I tend to dip my left shoulder for whatever reason. 

Thankfully, there were so few of us we were able to do combinations a few times each. So we were able to get corrections and implement them on both sides. So often I get corrections and only have the left side to try to fix it, but the left is my good side. 

Overall it was a good day. 

I have a bunch of thoughts on things I want to blog about, but I gotta try and make them into like, words and sentences and ideas that make sense. If I could do anything as my job, I would write. I wish I could do this full time somehow. Stay tuned, and hopefully I’ll have more blog posts and pictures and goodness coming up soon. 

Thanks for sticking around with me, loves. Y’all are among some of my greatest encouragements when things get rough. I appreciate it more than words can say. 

This entry was posted in dance.

2 comments on “First class of spring semester. 

  1. The Accidental Artist says:

    How brave of you to post this. Showing yourself in a honest light is always inspiring! It takes courage to be honest and courage to dance, but reward and admiration results. You had so many roadblocks and you still kept going.
    I missed your pirouette post, but I know that people will put down other people when they are insecure. No one has a right to judge another because they have not walked in your “pointe” shoes. May you continue to grow in health, happiness and dance this new year XOXO Sarah

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, my dear friend. ❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

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