January.

I’ve almost managed to make it through the first month of the year.
Which blows my mind, honestly. How have we already been in 2017 for almost 31 days?

It’s been quite the feat. This month has been full of ups and downs, survived by sheer will power and endurance. But honestly, I’m proud of myself. Though there were days that absolutely sucked, I didn’t let myself get as overwhelmed as I’m prone to. I’m learning and growing and I’m gonna make it after all.  (RIP Mary Tyler Moore.)

I actually had a solid week and a half where I felt pretty alright, health wise. Wednesday was rough because it was long. I stayed for the pointe class instead of going into adult, and found myself rather discouraged. A large part of it is probably due to the fact that my shoes weren’t 100% how I usually dance in them, so I struggled. Then I realized how much I truly do suck at rolling up onto pointe, which is in our spring show dances often. Then we did some ab work before all this, and I managed to hold a plank for a solid minute, largely due to stubbornness and willpower (though I crapped out on the further ab work after. I just couldn’t do it) but then afterwards found myself driving the struggle bus.

Apparently using my core so much really shook me up. My brain couldn’t seem to handle much else afterwards, and my stomach felt pretty rough. It’s so infuriating to have this happen, especially when I know I’m capable of more. And to not really have a reason for it… UGH.

Yesterday’s rehearsal for Hoffraulein went well. By the end of it, my knee was hurting pretty badly. Both of my roles have quite a bit of kneeling, but on top of that, there were many jumps, and most of the ones I do have my bad leg in front. It’s the long leg, so it doesn’t get to plie in correct alignment. I don’t think it’ll be a problem during shows, but while doing the same part over and over while learning it, it took its toll. By the end of rehearsal, I was pretty tired, but it was a good day.

I woke up this morning and got sick. Nothing contagious, just the normal whatever makes me sick sometimes thing. I thought our rehearsal wasn’t until later in the day, so I was taking the morning easy. At 1:28, I fired up my laptop to write this here post and decided to double check the schedule. And a good thing, too, because I then saw that rehearsal began at 2, not 4:30. It takes me 27 minutes to get to the downtown studio, and I didn’t even have tights on. I got dressed as quickly as I could and left the house at 1:33. I didn’t get to eat, and I’m not sure if that made things better or worse. I tried to pump myself up and tell myself I could get through this rehearsal, that I would be fine. I get inside at 1:57, having done my hair in the car (I do not recommend this) and put my shoes on.

No sooner we began, I realized I couldn’t do much of anything that involved my core at all. I struggled with simple things. Of course, our studio owner was doing the warm up, and she was watching us all closely. I kept myself from panicking as my brain criticized the fact I couldn’t do things I should be able to and tried to push through anyway. I looked terrible and couldn’t do it all. When it came to jumps, she had us stretch a little before (we had just finished grand battements) so I used that moment to find our director to let her know what was going on. While I waited for her to finish speaking to our seamstress, I ended up getting pulled in to try on the Weiss Frauen costume again since they had made some adjustments. (It’s going to be so great!) I got to tell my director, who at first thought I had caught whatever flu is going around, but then I was able to explain that this is just what happens sometimes, and you can’t really predict it. (Was it because I ate chili and I’m not really supposed to? Was it further repercussions from that dang plank? Was it exhaustion from the rehearsal the day before? Am I over-extended already?) I told her I didn’t want to sit out, especially since having people in the spots is so vital for these roles as they have many specific patterns, but that I probably wouldn’t be able to handle doing things full out. She understood and said she was glad I was there, it helps having everyone so we can figure out the visual of it and what’s going to work.

Honestly, I probably shouldn’t have been around people today. As I drove home, I felt absolutely terrible for how I handled myself. I was rather negative and complained quite a bit. My friends are so patient with me, I can’t express how much I appreciate it. Especially when trying to figure out new steps that can get kind of confusing. But we worked it out and they had such patience with me. They are invaluable. Seriously, they should get an award for not hating me at the end of shows. Sometimes I can’t even stand myself, I don’t know how they do it.

If you’re one of the girls in the dance with me today thank you so much for being patient with me, listening to me complain, helping me understand dance steps even when they are supposed to be simple, and for not hating me when I get kinda snappy. Y’all are serious God-sends.

If you know the spoon analogy, I have no spoons left. I still have to do dishes and pick up a little around my house, so I have to find some spoons, which means I’ll probably be borrowing from tomorrow’s supply. Not sure I’ll make it to class tomorrow, if I don’t start feeling better. I’m hoping I can get the dishes washed in one go instead of having to split it up so I can sit for a bit in between. If I can get them all done at once then maybe I can get to bed early.

The struggle.

Upside; only 18 days til my specialist appointment. Hopefully it gives us some sort of lead.

I was also able to video chat with one of my fellow adult ballet dancer friends this weekend. It did my heart so much good. Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone and having someone who understands where you are makes all the difference. I appreciate my friends so much.

I’m hoping to do a giveaway soon on my instagram. For a pair of feat socks. Maybe I’ll give away multiple things. I haven’t decided yet. But it’s in the works!

We have pictures on February 11, so I’ll have some pictures of costumes for you guys. I’m excited. I’m working with some friends to hopefully get my pointe work up to par so I don’t look like a derp on stage with everyone else. I don’t want to just get through the steps, I want to be able to actually look like I belong in the role, ya know? I hope my body can keep up so I can do the extra work. I’m so grateful to have these opportunities I do, and I want to make the most of them, because reality is my days are numbered.

Hope y’all have a great week!