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Emilee

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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.

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Snow White Program Pictures 

We’re getting to the point in rehearsals when we are starting to have Friday rehearsals as well as Saturday and Sunday. Since we have the company studio, and the ballet studio, we can, in theory, have two going at once. 

Last week we had hoffraulein downtown to help teach the new girls the first part that they’ve missed. I was late to the rehearsal since the class I teach ends at 7, which is when the rehearsal began. The cover is my assistant on Fridays, so I didn’t have her in class, but I wasn’t the only one missing, so she was a few different places. Our director also asked a few of the birds if they could stay and be place fillers to hopefully make it less confusing for the girls we were trying to teach as there are many patterns. In doing so, it was realized that somehow, things from one of the first rehearsal were done incorrectly, putting people in different spots. Thankfully, we fixed it, so hopefully now it should be correct. 

I think I’m on a good up tick of feeling better, though the fatigue is setting in. I was able to make it through the rehearsal and finally understood this part with chaines that I’ve been struggling with and my teacher friend has been helping me with. Hopefully it translates to pointe as we just did it in flat shoes last weekend. 

On Saturday, we had pictures. Our hair is to be in braided crowns for the entire show, so I woke up early and bribed my friend with coffee and breakfast tacos to braid my hair before the classes I teach. (Easy bribe 😂 she’s a great friend.) I ended up having a few new students in class, which made me get out a little late, and I was already late for my photo time since it was scheduled for the same time my last class ends and it takes about 20 minutes to get to the other studio in Saturday traffic. 

By that point, my hair was pretty covered in flyaways, but it was still good for pictures. Usually photo day seems like a long, drawn out thing, but this time it all felt like a rushed blur. With so much else going on with work and everything, a dear friend kept me hydrated and made sure I left after I was done so I could try and get other things done I needed to do. Bless her. 

As promised, here are a few pictures! 


The White costumes are for Weiss Frauen and the colored ones are for Hoffraulein. 

And, if you were a part of the Instagram live that night, here’s “Drake”


I have rehearsal again tonight after teaching, but it’s at the same studio, so that will be nice. I also have rehearsal tomorrow and Sunday free, which I’m super grateful for. 

I had my appointment with the rheumatologist yesterday. Overall, I really liked her. She confirmed that the gastrointestinal specialists i had seen are the worst in the city, but that they got at least something to go on. She was very knowledgeable and great at making sure I understood what was going on. 

We’re re running the blood work, as it’s possible the positive I got on the autoimmune test last time was a false positive. It was such a weak positive that it could be nothing. This is a pretty disheartening thing, but she’s not giving up on me. There’s clearly something wrong, it just looks like so many different things. 

She’s referring me to an orthopedic specialist, checking to see if my joint pain could be from early osteoarthritis. Which, if it is and we’re catching it this early, she’s very hopeful. 

I did note my hypermobility without me saying anything, and when she did I asked her about Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. She doesn’t think I have enough of the other symptoms for it to be that, but did say that the hypermobility could be part of the problems I’m having as well. 

She’s also going to send me for allergy testing, but I don’t know when that is going to happen. It’s going to be quite the process, and hopefully I can afford it all as my insurance is a co-op, so I pay as a cash client and office visits aren’t covered. I’m hopeful. I’m trying to stay optimistic. There are many gaps in support where I wish there wasn’t, but I am grateful for the friends I have that are here for me through all of this mess. 

This entry was posted in dance.

2 comments on “Snow White Program Pictures 

  1. Such beautiful costumes. You look gorgeous!

    Liked by 1 person

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