I skipped class tonight.
It made me sad. Usually when I skip, it comes with a sense of relief. Not that I don’t want to be there, I do, but because it takes the weight of the expectation off.
This time, it was torn two ways. The weight was lifted, but then my heart was saddened at the fact that I didn’t get that hour to let my mind be free of the demands and pressures of everything going on in my life. Sure, there are classes when I can get overwhelmed and it feels weighty, but I don’t think today was that.
It’s hard to know when you need to take care of yourself. When to step back and let yourself heal in the places you need rather than try to push through it and hope things get better.
Because that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been pushing through. Even when taking breaks here and there to try and help, I was still pushing through. Still grinning and bearing it. Still hoping that pushing through would bring the healing i needed doing this thing that I love so deeply.
Ignoring the warning signs doesn’t bring healing. It leads to a public breakdown, embarrassment, sleepless nights, and lots of emotions all over the place. It leads to having farther to climb back up from this place you fell to. It leads to more vulnerability than you were hoping for. Even though I felt that I had no choice but to push through. That this is what is expected of me. That to slow down any more than I’ve already forced myself to would show weakness. It would tell people that I can’t do it. It would make these people feel like they were right in their opinions that I have spread myself to thin. I haven’t. I haven’t committed to anything more than I have done before, but for some reason my body isn’t keeping up this time. This is new to me. It’s not something I could have predicted. It’s something I hoped I could put off a little while longer. It’s something I’m trying to enjoy while I have it.
So today, I came Home early, stayed in my house. I made a cup of my favorite tea in a new mug I love. I watched my friend I miss on her live video and then watched Covet Dance on their live video, seeing how they go through the process of picking their brand ambassadors, laughing and dreaming and feeling good about myself. I laid on the pallet I made on my floor in the middle of the storm last night to help calm my dog, then I re made my bed so my floor will be clear again.
Take care. Whatever that means for you. Because if you don’t take the time to make sure that you’re okay, you’ll never be okay. If you don’t do it, no one will. Find the simple things that bring your soul peace and carve out time to enjoy them, even if it’s just for a moment. Give yourself time to breathe. Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself time to remember who you are, not who people tell you you are, not who people expect you to be.
It’s not worth the risk of everything you’d lose if you don’t.
Keep fighting. Keep pushing. Keep dreaming. Be patient with yourself.
I’m doing a giveaway on my Instagram. To enter all you have to do is tag a friend in the post and tell them how they inspire you. My goal is to spread kindness. To say the words now that are in your heart before you don’t have the chance. To let people hear kind things that they may not know exist. To brighten people’s days with words. My hope is that it brings friends closer together and helps hearts begin to heal and beat stronger.
Take care, my friends. Of those you love and of yourself.
Started ballet late October of 2011 at the age of 23.
Began pointe training late August of 2013.