Seventeen days.

I haven’t posted a blog in 17 days.

I still haven’t updated about Beeville’s performance.

I’m writing now and, honestly, still have no idea where this blog is going to go.

But it’s been 17 days, and I feel like I at least owe you guys an update to the silence.

As some of you may know, my main job is at a CPA firm. Considering the work we do here centers around deadlines, and a great lot of them specifically around the April 15th deadline, I have been doing mostly this and nothing else. Since the 15th was on a Saturday this year, it bumped the filing date to the Monday. Monday was Emancipation Day, which is a federal holiday, bumping it further to Tuesday.

I am proud to say I have survived my second tax season, which this year we were kind of unsure as to how that would even be possible. Yet, we forged on and made it happen, with a good amount of help from close friends and colleagues. (Go us!)

Of course, this years shows happened right in the thick of it. Last year, it was the week after, so it worked out pretty slick. Granted, last year I ended up so sick I couldn’t get out of bed for four days, so I’ve been trying to do what I can to avoid something like that again.

I sleep until the absolute last minute, giving myself about 10 minutes tops to get ready for work. (Thankfully, I wear dresses, which makes it so much easier.) I hardly wear contacts anymore because my eyes are stingy in the morning, not to mention the extra time it takes to factor in putting them on and then wearing make up. (I can’t wear it with glasses because I can’t see to be far enough from the mirror not to hit it with the brush. Plus, ya know, more sleep.) I tried going to Mrs. Alex’s class after the first weekend of shows to keep me up to par for Beeville, but I could hardly last through barre and thought it better to just go home instead of trying to push it.

Beeville was hands-down my worst show, but even so it went pretty well.

Typically, the first time we are on the stage, my brain decides to space out and I’ll instinctively do things that are definitely not the choreography or the correct timing. I can typically shake it off because it’s just a rehearsal and doesn’t really matter.
This show, that didn’t happen.
Well, until Beeville.

I found myself completely spacing out at simple things I should know. My timing was off, my brain would just stop recalling the next steps I needed, and I only got along as well as I did because of muscle memory. It was frustrating.

The good news is that I did a part I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do at the end of the last dance, which made me feel accomplished in spite of it all.
The best news is that Beeville is always such an incredible audience. They react and you can hear it. They are so enthusiastic. They remind you why you put in all the long hours at rehearsal to do this. You see the magic in the kids eyes when you meet them afterwards. (One such tiny human even gave me her flowers. Cue me becoming a liquid state.) They didn’t see me as the one who continuously messed up, but instead as one of the dancers with the fancy shoes in the pretty dance who just helped create this entire world for them to escape to for a time. To be the magic in someone’s life, especially a strangers, well there’s nothing more you can ask for than that.

I spent the time before going on stage of my last show hanging out with cherished friends. At times even literally, as my friend and her husband brought eno’s (Hammocks) and invited me to hang out in between rehearsals. It was such a beautiful day, and one of the first days I had been outside all spring. Spring is my favorite season, so to be inside during most of it before the weather turns sweltering makes my little heart sad. Getting to enjoy it for a few hours that day was perfect.

After show, there were pictures and hugs and high fives and all. Two friends of mine and I went to the local sonic for ice cream and made great memories hanging out there. All in all, it was a great end to this crazy run that is show season.

I haven’t been in a class since.

I’ve taught my babies, and thankfully I’ll finally have my Saturday class back tomorrow. Poor things have had subs for a month (though I am grateful for the subs who stepped in!) and haven’t worked on their recital at all in that time since it was so new. I’m not so worried about my 4-5 as I am my 3-4 who have had much less practice. Tomorrow they get their costumes, which is going to be adorable. There’s a little less than a month until their recital. Summer begins first week of June. A whole other set of madness. (But the new babies are so cute it hurts!)

I’ve wanted to attend my adult classes, but the prospect of getting home so late is something I can’t afford currently. Not to mention the effort of exerting all that energy I just don’t have. My body is currently doing that thing it used to do where anytime I eat it decides it’s a great time to make me feel that feeling right before you throw up, without actually throwing up, for at least four hours. It makes for pretty miserable days, and the thought of using my core makes me want to just cry. I’m so tired. My body is tired. But I still have so many things required of me that I can’t just sit at home and give my body the rest it’s demanding of me. Instead, I cut back on anything I can spare and hope that I can get out of bed in the morning and don’t end up like I did last year. I had a large amount of last weekend off, which was good for my body (Thanks, Easter!) and the workload is significantly less on this side of the filing date, but I’m not in the clear entirely.

I miss class. I long to feel that exhausted high after a good class. I want to be back in my element, at the barre, working towards bettering myself and my ability. And honestly, if I have to be away too long, it’ll start making me sick in it’s own way. I’m hoping to be able to avoid that, and really hoping I can make it in at least once next week. The good news is the adult ballet class starts earlier in the summer, so I won’t get home near as late, giving me added incentive to push through and go.

I’m not sure what all this means for me in the long run. I have my follow up appointment with the rheumatologist next month which I’m trying to prepare for. I don’t feel I was as prepared as I needed to be the first go around. A lot of this medical stuff is over my head and I’m not sure which answers are the right ones. And at this point, I have officially been sick more of my life than I have been well. I don’t know what the blood work is going to say, or why it keeps indicating that I’m not sick when I clearly am. And it’s not just stress, but the stress definitely makes it worse. I may have to fight to try and see a new specialist, which would suck because it would take more time to do so. The waiting is the hardest part. Hurry up and wait, all. the. time. I’m trying to remain hopeful in anyway I can, but even that proves difficult.

But I’ll make it. I’ll somehow get through and do everything I need to, all the while not punching people who make comments out of ignorance. (This, of course, isn’t every comment. The ones of concern are totally welcomed. As are the open-minded curiosity. There’s a difference between those and the ignorant. I digress.)

Hopefully I’ll have more updates for you soon. And hopefully they don’t significantly decline in quality now that I’m not doing exciting shows anymore. Not to say I never will, but ya know. Anyway.

I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for taking an interest in my story and following along thus far. Hopefully I’ll have more pictures for y’all soon as well.

❤